A FISH CALLED WANDA
JOHN CLEESE AND CHARLES CRICHTON
1A. EXT. OLD BAILEY. DAY.
Busy London scene. St Paul’s in the background.
Super impose: MGM CREDIT
1B. EXT. LINCOLN’S INN FIELDS. DAY
Legal folk meander through Lincolns’s Inn Fields
1D. INT. LAW COURTS. (OXFORD) DAY.
Legal folk throng the building and behave importantly.
SUPERIMPOSE: PRODUCTION CREDIT
1E. INT. LAW COURTS. (OXFORD) DAY.
A court in session. A judge and jury are enthralled by the forens poker of Archie Leach.
SUPERIMPOSE: JACK CLEESE
2 EXT. HATTON GARDENS. DAY
We start to close on a sign reading “London Diamond Merchants”. We pull back to reveal other similar signs, and then the street itself.
Out of a doorway comes a smartly dressed young woman. Sche is Wanda Gershwitz. She pauses and surveys the street, as the camera closes in on her.
SUPERIMPOSE: JAMIE LEE CURTIS
She holds a bag. The camera is now so close, thet when she moves her hand, we can see a lens wich she has been cancealing. We hear a fain click. Wanda adjusts the position of the bag, a second faint click.
3 INT. OTTO’S PAD. DAY.
A bare basement room whth minimal furnishings, part Japanese bedroom, part gymnasium. On the bed sits a figure in full lotus position. It is Otto West. He holds a book, “Beyond Good and Evil”. But he is doping. And alarm clock goes off and in a flash, he wakes, draws a pistol crossbow and dires the bolt so that it wedges itself between the two vibrating bells of the distant alarm clock, thus silencing it. He yawns
SUPERIMPOSE : KEVIN KLINE
4 INT. KEN’S ROOM. GEORGE’S FLAT. DAY.
A model of a strongroom is aduste. Ken Pile is comparing it with a photograph. He’s satisfied.
SUPERIMPOSE: MICHAEL PALLIN
Putting the photograph down, he walks a couple of steps, collects two tubs of fishfood and leaves shot. On the walls behind him we see several animal rights posters.
5 INT. LIVING-ROOM. GEORGE’S FLAT. DAY
A room furnished in strong but confused taste, dominated by a beautifully furnished aquarium, which Ken is approaching. Among some npretty tropicals is a superb angel fish. Ken put his face closet o her.
KEN Hullo Wanda.
SUPERRIMPOSE: A fish called Wanda
Ken feeds Wanda. She eats.
A burly, aggressive fish anters the shit, along with a slightly tired ornate one.
SUPERIMPOSE: WITH TOM GEORGESON AND MARIA AITKEN
As Ken continue sto feed the fish, the front door opens behind him, and Wanda enters, follone by
WANDA Hi Ke,.
KEN Hullo Wwwnda.
WANDA Ken, this i Otto.
WANDA Hi Ken, Wand’s told me a lot about you. Hey! Grat fish.
KEN Th th thank….
OTTO A squeese of lemon, a little tartare sauce, fantastic.
Wanda nudges Otto. Otto squeezes her boob. Samoothly and quickly. Wanda removes Otto’s
hand as Ken turns.
WANDA George back yet, ken?
She makes for kitchen.
KEN Nnnnno. He had to ggggo ttttto the bbbbbank.
Otto stares at Ken. Ken looks at him.
OTTO That’s a nasty stutter you’ve got ther Ken.
Ken is dumbstruck.
OTTO Hey, don’t worry, it doesn’t botte me. So…I hear George needs a weapons man for the job.
Ken looks sharply at Otto. Wanda calls from the kitchen.
WANDA Cupo f tea, Ken?.
OTTO Yeay, he wants one. (To Ken) I had a goof friend in the CIA had a stutter. Cost him his live, dammit.
The front door opens and George enters. Wanda runs to him from the kitchen.
WANDA Hi, George.
She embrice him and he returns the affection condescendingly. Ken is hot on her heels.
KEN Hullo, George. Ggget you a Scotch?
Ken scampers off. George eyes Otto.
WANDA George, this is Otto.
GEORGE …..So…you’are Wanda’s brother.
OTTO It’s good to beh ere, George. England’s fine country.
GEORGE Did sche explain what we need?
Otto makes a rapid movement, causing a knife to appear in this hand and then throws the knife
so that it sticks perfectly between the eyes o fan animal on one of Ken’s posters in the alcove.
George and Ken stare, impressed.
OTTO Something like that?
GEORGE Something like that, yeah.
10 INT. LAWCOURTS. DAY.
Archie watches intently. In the jury box the foreman is standing up.
FOREMAN Not guilty.
Scout of joy from the gallery. Archie smiles quietly to himself, nods to his junior and the prosecu-
Varius folk hurry up to Archie to offer their congratulations, the sollecitor, the defendant and his
Archie shakes hands graciously and accepts their congratulations.
DEFENDANT Brilliant Mr Leach. Bloody brilliant, sir.
DEFENDANT’S WIFE Thank you sir. Thank you.
ARCHIE Not at all. glad to be of help .
SOLICITOR Mr Leach, I really must congratulate you. The way you….
DEFENDANT Do you have a moment Mr Leach? Just for celebratory drink?
ARCHIE I’d like to but…I’ve got get on to my next case. I’m afraid.
11 INT. LIVING-ROOM, GEORGE’S FLAT. DAY.
Gang sit round table with papers and models. George toushes model car.
GEORGE They’re worth about one hundred thousand each and there’s a tundre and thirty of them – thst’s thirteen milion, my friends.
Ken is impressed.
WANDA Dollar or pounds?
GEORGE Pouns pet. It’s the big one. So the police will watch all the airports, so we don’t
meet up at Heathrow util Tuesday. And that’s it.
George looks at Wanda.
George looks at Ken who nods. They all look at Otto. Pausa.
GEORGE The plan.
OTTO Yeah! Great. No problem. What was…what was the middle part about the police?
GEORGE We don’t meet up until Tuesday because…
OTTO Yeah, yeah….
GEORGE I haven’t finisched yet…because the police’ll only watch the airports for 72 hours.
OTTO I know, i know.
GEORGE (tossing otto his ticket) Here’s your ticket.
OTTO Let’s do it.
WANDA What do we get for the stuff in Rio, George?
GEORGE Kevin Dalaney thinks we’ll get 70-75$
KEN You wwwant mmme to ggget a bbb….
Otto is staring. Ken’s stutter gets worse.
KEN BBBig…cccar…fffor the…ggg….ggg…
GEORGE Yes, Ken, a limo, Ok? And put diplomatic plates on it.
Ken rise, and goes to the fiish.
OTTO what if he ha sto say something during the break-in?
GEORGE …Nobody speaks during the break-in, otto.
WANDA It’s Ok, Otto. Ken’s good.
GEORGE So next week, we won’t need to look for work and it won’t need to look for us. (to
Wanda) Oscar Wilde.
George leans overn the kisses Wanda. Otto elude malice,rises and crosses to Ken.
OTTO You really like animals don’t you Kent? What’s the attraction?
KEN You can ttt…ttt…trust them and they don’t sh…sh…sh….
OTTO Shit on uou?
KEN Show off all the ttt…
OTTO you know what Nietzche said about them? He said they were God’s second blun-
der. Bye, sis!
Otto walks to the door, Wanda leaves George’s side.
KEN Wwwell you tttell him from mmm….
OTTO See you, Georg.
GEORGE Seven a.m. here….
OTTO Right! (he pecks her while whispering) Don’t let him touch you.
WANDA One more day we’re together.
OTTO (loudly) If you call Mun I’ll send her the money next week.
Otto leaves. Wanda goes to Ken.
WANDA Sorry he’s a bit…..insensitive, Ken. It’s sad but…Dad used to beat him up.
Ken nods understandingly. Then
KEN (to himself) Ggggod.
12 EXT. GEORGE’S BLOCK. DAY
Otto, lithely, descends the staircase and comes out of the main doors. Suddenly, he freezer and
Flattens himself against the building. A gun is in his hand. He screws a silencer in place and waits.
A pussy-cat appears. Otto fires. A “plop”, follonowed by loud receding hiwling. Otto walks forward
OTTO (quietly) Nice shooting.
He picks up the cat’s tail and pop sit in his breas pocket.
13 EXT. GARDEN. ARCHIE’S HOUSE.
Wendy, Archie’s wife, sits reading a paper. Archiie comes out of the house into the garden.
ARCHIE Hallo dear.
ARCHIE Had a good day?
WENDY I spend the morning trying to get the waste disposal man to come, have lunch with
Mariyorie. Brooks who takes up the entire meal complaining abaut her husband,
then i have to play three rubbers with that half- wit Philippa Hunter and I get back
here and Sanderson’s have sent the wrong flowers….
ARCHIE Oh, no!....Would you like some tea?
ARCHIE ….I won the case.
WENDY This is the first moment I’ve had to myself…..
Archie re-enters. Portia, his teenage daughter is at the fridge, full riding gear.
ARCHIE Hallo Portia. Haw was the show?
PORTIA Awful. Honestly, I’ve got to get a new horse Daddy.
ARCHIE I thought you liked Smokey….
PORTIA She’s not fit dog meat, honestly. Can I change her please Dad, it’s absolutely vital. It
Cost much, Ok?
She pecks him on the cheek and moves off.
ARCHIE Well, bughtn’t we to…
WENDY Ithought you were making the tea, Archie.
ARCHIE I am Darling.
WENDY I suppose I’d better geti t.
ARCHIE No, no, I’ll do it.
WENDY No, I’ll do it.
She starts getting it, noisily. She picks up a cup.
ARCHIE I won the case….
WENDY Oh! Now this is cracked.
15 INT. JEWELLER’S OFFICES AND STRONG ROO. DAY
Something ciolent is happening in a Hatton Garden establishment.
Employees are rising in alarm. They disappear from view when the reinforced glasso f the office
Is splintered by a blast from a sawn-off shot-gun. The gun swings round and shatters the lock of
the office door.
Three balaclaved figure burst througt the door, pusching a terrified custode before them.
The first (otto) draws on a gun and fires two shots at T.V. cameras covering the room. A monitor
on a desk in foreground goes blank. Otto sweeps it from the desk. During these brief seconds the
other two villains, George and Ken, have forced the terrifield employees to lie on the floor, hands
on their heads. Otto moves swiftly to the steel grido f the strong room, producing a small cross-
bow as he goes. Ken runs back to the entrance past him.
The startled Manager comes out of the office and encounters
George’s shot gun.
Otto is peering through the grill of the strong room. On the wall opposite to him is a small panel
With a push button in its centre. Otto unhurriedly loads fis bow with a bolt, thrusts the business
er.d through the grid, takes careful sim at the button and fires. The bolt finds its target. The steel
grill swings slowly open.
Ken rushes by, pushing something odd-looking on weels into the mamager’s office.
Otto replaces George guarding the employees. At the same moment Ken comes from the
Manager’s Office and he and George enter the strong room were they start shovelling the conten-
ts of the safes into pouch-like sacks hanging from their shoulders.
All this is done with military precision and without a word spoken.
INERCUT….George and Ken rifling the safes with Otto terrorizing his captives. He is unnecessarily
vicious,delights in coking the muzzle of is gun into panic-stricken faces and intermittently amuses
himself by vandalizing the office. He catches the Manager cautiously reaching for the secret
button of on alarm bell, and forces him at gun point to stand erect. An apple from a lunch box is
placed on the Manager’s head.
GEORGE You’are being watched, see? Anybody moves and….
He blasts off a round from his gun.
George goes through the glass door of the Manager’s office just as Otto vandalizes it. He is showe-
red in splinters. Ken has climbed onto the window sill. He disappears from sight.
16 EXT. JEWELLER’S DAY.
From aoutside, we see Ken rapidly descending Roger’s fire escape. The others follow. Emerging
at the botton, the balaclaved figures hurry across a narrow alleyway into the back of another
17 EXT. STREET. HATTON GARDEN. DAY.
A Black Mercedes Limowaits at the kerb with engine running. In the driver’s seat suits Wanda,
disguised in moutache, horn-rimned spectacles and chauffeur’s uniform. She is watching the
driving mirror intently. An Old Lady, Mrs Coady, passes un-noticed with three small dogs on leads.
Wanda stiffens. We see George, Ken and Otto walking, quickly towards the Limo. They are dressed
In nondescript clotes, with one or two diisguises. The jump into the car, wich accelerates away
From the kerb. But is brakes sharply. They are all thrown forward and George stares through the
Mrs Coady has frozen a few yards into the road, beyond the next car, and is staring at him. Wanda
Swings the wheel and accelerates again round the Old Lady, just missing a dog. Mrs coady puts her
Hand to her heart and scrabbles for some pills.
18 EXT. LONDON STREETS. DAY
The Limo hurries through the traffic. Ken’s face stares out of the back window.
20° EXT. LONDON STREET. DAY.
The Limo screeches to a halt. The gang pile out the car, Otto first, and hurry to a Metro on the
Other side of the road, Ken stuttering the wile.
OTTO That was fun. What wimps!
GEORGE What is it Ken?
OTTO I love robbing the English, they’re so polite.
WANDA We didn’t hit the dog, it’s ok, Ken.
They are living stuff to Ken.
OTTO Twenty million bucks and he’s worried about an insect.
KEN It’s n….nnn….n.n
OTTO The stutter’s getting worse Ken. Have you thought about surgery?
GEORGE Shut up
A police car screams by, obscuring them. Pan with the car. Cut to the Metro roaming off and Ken
Leaving in the other direction on his motor cycle.
21 EXT. ANOTHER STREET. DAY
Ken is passing a large refuse collecting van. He tosses his bag into the dark interior and speed on
22 EXT AND INT. MEWS AND GARAGE. DAY.
The Metro round the corner and drives straight into a lock-up garage. Otto close the garage door
As the others get out.
Inside, they now all carry bried case sto a safe in the corner, and George starts putting the jewel-
lery into it. They move very fast.
George slams the door.
GEORGE OK, let’s split.
George starts fixing the combination.
OTTO (glancing into the mews) See you Heathrow Tuesday George.
GEORGE Lie low. No celebrating.
Otto disappears into the mews. George glances round at Wanda.
GEORGE See you in a couple of hours.
Wanda leale. George comes out, pulls down and locks the roller dorr, sees wanda departing, and
Goes off right, in the other direction. Otto’s head appears from a conceled doorway. He watches
George until he’s gone, and then leale in the direction taken by Wanda.
For a moment, the mews is empty. Suddenly, a Mercedes sports car drives up. George gets
23 INT. OTTO’S PAD. DAY.
Champagne is flowing as Wanda and Otto celebrate, amongst pachked suircases.
WANDA To twenty million!
OTTO To a beautiful robbery!
WANDA To us.
OTTO The gratest broche-and-sister team since…since…
WANDA Burton and Taylor.
OTTO (throwing himself on the bed) Can you believe those cockney klutzes bought that
Story? Climb on, sis.
WANDA (doing so) Otto, i want you to know that if you really were my broche, i’d still want
To fuck you. Now make the call.
OTTO Subito casissima, senza moratorio.
WANDA No, Otto, no italian!
OTTO Per cominciare, due insalate verde con peperoni, un cotoletto di vitello…
WANDA No! No!!! Not yet! Make the call first! Quick!
She gives Otto the telephone. He dials. Wanda writes on a piace of paper.
WANDA Do you really have Italian blood?
OTTO Absolutamente. Sì. say arrivederci a Georgio.
WANDA Goodbye George.
OTTO (italian accent) Ah, I wonda ifa you coulda putta me troo to polles, per favore.
WANDA (sharply) Otto!
OTTO ((immediately serious, Irisc accent) Good afternoon. It night interest you to know
That the Hatton Garden robbery today was pulled by George Thomason, who lives
He reads off the paper Wanda gives him.
24 EXT. GEORGE’S BLOCK. DAY
OTTO (v.o.)…Flat 3, Kipiling Mansions, Murray Road, London w.9. (fx pfone down)
George strides througt the main entrance and runs up the steps.
25. GEORGE’S FLAT. DAY.
George hurried in, and calls out.
GEORGE Wanda! Change of plan. Let’s move….(He scecks, puzzled) Wanda?
Nothing. George looks at hid watch, perplexed. Then picking bits of glass off his trousers, he walks
Towards the cedro, loosening his trousers. He glances out of the window and stiffens. He hurries
back towards the door of the flat, but is halted by a knocking.
George freezer. His hand goes to his pocket and finds the safe deposit box key. He holds it and
Looks around. He sees a small cartono f fishfood by the tank, open sit, puts the key inside, runs
to the window, and keeping low, lobs the carton out of the window as the knocking restarts.
VOICE Open the door or we’ll knock it down.
George thinks about the trousers, gives up on that problem and goes the door. Several Policemen
Are outside. One steps forward.
INSPECTOR MARVIN George Francis Thomason?
26. EXT. ROAD OUTSIDE GEORGE’S BLOCK. DAY
Otto and Wanda, in a car, watch George being brought to one of three police cars and getting in
the back seat. Wanda checks her bag.
The police car drivers off.
Otto pulls out withhout looking and drives off fast in the opposite direction.
27. INT. GARAGE. DAY.
Otto, with a stethoscope, is kneeling by the safe. Wanda hovers.
WANDA How’s it coming?
OTTO Hard, very hard. Should take me wath?.... Oh God…ten more seconds. Sing to
WANDA (quietly) Oh, say can you see, by the dawn’s early light, which so proudly we
OTTO (removing the stethoscope) We’re rich, Wanda.
WANDA Seriously rich.
OTTO Give me a kiss. (He kisses her masterfully) I bet these are the best two weeks
you ever had with anyone.
He holds the door of the safe triumphantly. Wanda produces a cosh from her bag.
WANDA You sait it.
Otto opens the safe door. They stare in.
OTTO OK. Where is ti?
Wanda gets the cosh back in her bac and starts thinking.
OTTO Sonofabitch! What do’ya have to do in this life to make people trust you?
WANDA Shut up.
OTTO Everybody trie sto take advantage of me.
WANDA Shut up and think! Where’s he moved it?
Otto thinks, then draws his gun and fires three shots at the safe.
WANDA What are you doing?
OTTO I’m thinking!!! I’m thinking what I’ll do with him. I’ll sew hedgehogs inside him,
then I’ll hang him up eith piano wire. Then I’ll where are you going?
WANDA We’are going to talk to him.
OTTO Then I’ll make carpaccio out of…talk to who?
28. INT. ROOM. JAIL. DAY.
C/U George. He sits with his solicitor , Bartlett, and Archie.
ARCHIE So in the course of installing these windows for your parents, you were knee-
ling on the floor, where there was broken glass, fromm the pane you’d drop-
GEORGE That’s right, sir.
ARCHIE And your mother and father can confirm this?
BARTLETT Yes, and his aunt, Georgina Thomason.
The door opens and a Warder looks in.
WARDER Sorry to interrupt, sir.
WARDER Thomas, there’s a young lady to see you.
BARLTLETT (to Archie) Anything else?
ARCHIE No, that’s everyting for the moment. Thank you Mr Thomas.
George rises and Barlett goes with him. Archie looks up at Bartlett.
ARCHIE You don’t have to dash off, do you?
BARTLETT (to Archie) No absolutely not. (to Georgr, quietly) George…your nephew has the
fishfood. He’ll be in later.
George is delighted but very restarne.
BARTLETT De nada.
George leale and Bartlett returns to Archie.
BARTLETT What do you think Mr Leach?
ARCHIE We may be all right on the glass. But what else are they going to come up with….
29. IN. JAIL. VISITING ROOM. DAY
Wanda enters the room. Otto is some way behind. George is sitting, looking impassive. Wanda sees him and runs to him.
WANDA Oh George….
She throws herself on to the chair opposite him, staring at him tearfully.
WANDA Oh darling.
She breaks down. George is not the emoziona type.
WANDA Are you all right?
She is convincingly upset. She stares at him.
WANDA Darling? Oh, say something.
George relaxes a little.
GEORGE I’m all right.
Wanda cries again.
WANDA I can’t believe it. Oh George, it can’t handle this.
GEORGE (almost Kindly) Ok. Ok doll, leave it out.
Wanda tries to pull herself toghether.
GEORGE Now listen (more quietly). I was with you at the flat.
WANDA (nodding as she’s anticipated this) Yes.
GEORGE We slept late, you made me breakfast, I called father at just after eleven.
George has seen Otto hovering.
GEORGE …What’s he doing here?
WANDA He wanted to see you.
OTTO Who was it, George? Kevin Delaney? (Sitting) You want me to rub him out? (He
eyeballs George) Anyting George, just name it.
GEORGE I have friends making enquiries….
GEORGE The money is very safe….
Wanda and Otto nod, enthusiastically. George eyes Otto.
GEORGE Right. If it get sent down, it all gets handed back, to cut the sentence. Now to out
my sentence even more, I could tell them who did it with me. If I wasn’t happy
There is a silence. Otto thinks.
OTTO …What was the middle part?
GEORGE If was…piss off.
Otto rises, puzzled, looking round the room.
OTTO George…you want me to spring you?
George eyeballs him. Shrugging, Otto moves off. Wanda staring at George as Otto disappears.
WANDA You don’t think…?
GEORGE What do you thinks?
A pause. Wanda doesen’t believe he did but there’s just a doubt.
WANDA No! No….no.
GEORGE Ok. Now….
WANDA (her eyes going after Otto) You’are sure the garage is safe…?
GEORGE Trust me. We slept late….
30. EXT. JAIL. MAIN GATE. DAY.
Otto is waiting outside the jail. Wanda comes out smilingn charmingly at a solicitous warder who
Has opened the door for her.
WANDA Well, he’s not sure it was you. That’s something I suppose.
OTTO How about you?
WANDA He believes me. That’s why he can’t figure out about you.
OTTO Figure out what?
WANDA Whether you turned him in stupid.
OTTO Don’t ever call stupid.
Wanda is staring ahead. Otto looks. He see Bartlett and Archie walking ahead, talking.
WANDA That’s George’s lawyer. The other guy must be the barrister.
Wanda starts hurring. Otto follows but Wanda checkes him.
OTTO What are you doing?
WANDA Trust me.
She hurries ahead. Otto looks doubtful.
Archie and Barlett reach Archie's. They spilt up and Archie starts to fumble for his keys. Wanda
saunters past, glances at hiim, looks back again and stops. Archie about to open the car door
becoms aware of her. He looks at her. She smiles.
WANDA Hi! Excuse me...Do I recognise you?
ARCHIE No, I don't think....
WANDA You're a famous barrister, aren't you?
ARCHIE ...Oh well, hardly.
WANDA Can I have your autograph?
Archie is very surprised.
ARCHIE Er....yes. Yes, certainly. Er....
He looks for pen and paper.
WANDA I'm studying aspects of your system. I'm American.
ARCHIE Oh, really?
WANDA Only just started. It's fascinating.
ARCHIE (indicating the prison) What brings you here?
WANDA (smiling so charmingly) It's a little embarrasing.....have a friend...(she indicates
ARCHIE Oh! Oh! (laughs) Well...there you are. (he hands her the paper)
WANDA I knew it! You're Archie (misreading) Leash!
ARCHIE Leach, yes.
WANDA I'm a big fan yours. Oh, I really...sespect your work. I love the way you...
Archie is surprised
WANDA (fishing>) I saw you is court about, two weeks ago?
ARCHIE The casino break in?
WANDA That was it. You were terrific. The way you...wow. I think you're great.
ARCHIE Oh thank you.
For a moment they look at each other.
WANDA Well...I guess I'm keeping you.
ARCHIE Oh, fine. Right. Well...au revoir.
WANDA Oh you speak French too, huh?
She moves off. Archie gets into the car and looks in the mirror.
Wanda glances back and smiles. Archie reacts.
On the other side of the road, Ken is slipping into the main gate of the jall. As Archie's car drives off, Otto accosts Wanda.
OTTO What's going on?
WANDA Whatever George decides to do, he'll tell Leach first.
WANDA (sharply) Cos he's his lawyer.
OTTO Yeah, yeah. I know that!
WANDA So I'm going to get Know Mr Leach.
OTTO Will George tell him wherw the diamonds are?
WANDA That's what I'm going to find out.
31 iNT. VISITING ROOM, JAIL. DAY.
We open on Ken's closed hand. It opens cautiously, revealing the safe deposit box key. It closes again quickly. George, leans forward.
GEORGE You've done well my son. Where are going to keep it?
Ken leans forward and whispers. There are many visiytors round them and George is checking his neighbours.
GEORGE …..All right. And no word to Wanda, right? Otto might get things out of her. Now....
KEN (with emotion) George...are you gggoing to get off?
GEORGE Sure. Don't you worry Ken. We'll fix it. Now...
KEN Nnnot yet.
GEORGE Keep an eye on him.
32 INT. STAIRCASE. GEORGE'S BLOCK. DAY.
Otto lurks, suspiciously. At the topo of the steps Wanda is opening the door to George's flat.
33 INT. GEORGE'S FLAT. DAY.
Wanda opens the door and calls.
WANDA Ok! The police have been over it. Let me just change, we'll start looking.
otto enters. Wanda goes towards her bedroo. Otto surveys the scene. He sees the fish tank.
OTTO Hallo, Ken's pppets. Like some entertainment?
He picks up a ruller and calls to Wanda.
OTTO So haw are you going to get friendly with the lawyer?
He stirs the tank.
WANDA I don't Know...I'll think of something.
OTTO (stopping stirring) Fucking fish. I thought Englishmen din't like women, the way the way they talk.
He comes into Wanda's bedroom. She is in underwear, finding a shirt to wear.
WANDA He's straight. And kinds cute in a pompous sort off....
Otto envelops her.
OTTO (facetiously) You got the hots for him?
WANDA I'm not into necrophilia thanks.
OTTO Hump-a-limey week is it? Otto doesn't approve. Otto might get jealous. E' molto
pericoloso, signorina. Molto pericoloso.
Wanda gets turned on. They fall on the bed.
WANDA Oh yes, speak it, speak it!
OTTO Oh carissima. Un ossobuco milanese con piselli, un melanzane parmigiana con
spinaci e pomodori fritti....
WANDA Oh yes, I want you, you slimy bimbo....
WANDA No! No, not here....
OTTO Yes! Now! (singing) Nessuno dorme....
WANDA No, no, no! Let's go to youe place. Quick........
She tears herself away, recovers her shirt, and starts to put it on when she freezes. So does Otto.
They can hear Ken opening the flat door.
They stay frozen. Ken is at the main door, listening. Satisfie he crosses to the tank and holds up the fishfood carton.
KEN (whispering) Look what I've got, Wanda. Treasure!
He shous the key to Wanda the fish. As he does so, Wanda the girls pees through the bedroom door which has been left slightly ajar. Seeing Ken preccupied, she opens it a crack chest on the floor of the aquarium. She checks on otto. He's safely in the bathroom doing his hair. Ken withdraws his arm from the water and dries in on the cloth always kept by the tank for this purpose.
KEN (to fish) Sssssh!
As Ken starts to feed the fish, Wanda wanders aout of the bedroom, casually towelling her hair. Ken jumps. Wanda starts.
WANDA Didn't hear you come in. Hi!
KEN (suspiciour for a moment) Wh...wh...where...?
WANDA Have you seen George yet?
Ken thinks. Wanda kisses him. Ken is thrown.
WANDA Ken homey, I have a terrible headache. Could you yust pop round to the drugstore
for me and get a couple.....
there is a noise from the bedroom area. Ken starts.
KEN What's that?
WANDA Hm? My brother's using the bathroom.
Ken's eyes flash with suspicion and dislike.
WANDA Yeah, we've just been to see George and....
but Ken in the bedroom in a flash. Otto stands by the mirror in the bathroom.
KEN Wh wh wh wh....
OTTO Isn't it terrible about George? I love that man, Ken.
KEN Wh what are you doing here'
OTTO Wanda's cut up about him, Ken. She needed to talk to family.
KEN She's just had a shower.
Ken, looking around, sees the bed is slightly disturbed. Otto notes Ken's eyeline and takes his arm.
OTTO Ken. I got talk.
Otto leads the way into the living room. Wanda is starong out of the window.
OTTO Can you manage now sis?
WANDA (controlling her tears) Yeah. I,m fine now.
Ken does a take on Wanda's apparent mood change.
OTTO Call me if you need me again.
WANDA (bravely) I'll be ok now. Give my love to mum.
Otto and Ken go out of the door, Ken staring at Wanda.
34 INT. STAIRCASE. GEORGE'S BLOCK. DAY.
They come out onto a landing. Otto slams the door and turns to Ken.
OTTO What's the matter with you? Can't you think of her feeling?
KEN ...There's something ffffunny going on. Wwwhat....
OTTO Oh dear. You don't even know why you're excited do yoi.
KEN The bbbed....
Otto claps his hands together to get Ken's attention.
OTTO Ken! Ken! Ken>! I didn't want to say this while George was around.
But isn't it time you faced up to certain realities.
Ken is fairly surprased.
OTTO Come on! You're a very attractive man, Ken. You're smart, you have wonderful
bones, great eyes and you dress very interestingly....
OTTO We could have a lot of fun together. And I really think we'd be goog for
each other. What do you say?
Ken finds it difficult to speak.
KEN You mmmust be jjjj....
OTTO Ken, may I kiss you?
He leans towards Ken who struggles and pushes him away.
KEN NnnnotT FFF.....
OTTO Just a peck. No tongue.
35 INT. FLAT. DAY.
Colse on Wanda looking at the key and drying her arm. She hears the sound of the struggle outside the door and Ken stuttering in protest. She pops the key into her locket, thinks for a moment, goes to the phone, lifts it and stands frozen in his position.
36 INT. STAIRCASE. DAY.
Ken has managed to push Otto and is breathing heavily.
OTTO (incredulous) You didn't realize I was gay? What is this?! Ok. I'm sorry, Ken. I've
handled this badly. Look, the physical side can wait. You need time. But will you
think about it...?
Ken breaks away and hurries back upstairs. Otto goes off down the stairs.
37 EXT. GEORGE'S BLOCK. DAY.
Otto appears through the door, runs three paces, and throws up.
38 INT. GEORGE'S FLAT. DAY.
Wanda is standing in her frozen position when the door opens and a shattered Ken
entrers. Wanda suddenly looks alarmed.
WANDA OH my God.
She stares at Ken. Ken is too distracted to have heard.
WANDA (much louder) Oh my God!
She drops the phone. Ken looks towards her.
WANDA Somebody just called.
Ken is still not taking thing in. Wanda graps him by the arm. He starts back.
WANDA Ken! They said the police know the loot is in garage in Fulham. We must
get it. Quick!
She hurries him to the door.
WANDA Come on!
Ken is bewildered. She pulls him after her through the door.
WANDA Come on, Ken!!
39 INT. STAIRCASE. GEORGE'S BLOCK. DAY.
Wanda pulls Ken down the stairs.
He sresists more strongly.
KEN Nnnn...it's all right!
KEN It's all right! Ge...ge...
KEN (nodding) Mmmmmm.....
Wanda's brow is furrowed with concentration and anxiety.
Wanda is astounded.
WANDA George....moved the loot?!
Ken nods, embarrassed. Wanda graps Ken and shakes him.
WANDA Where did he move it? Quick! There's no time Ken! Where did he move to?!
Ken can't get a single consonant out. Wanda reacts, thinks, and then suddenly howls. Tears bubble out. She puts her hand to her mouth, runs upstairs and disappears. Ken is totally confused. He chases after her.
40 INT. GEORGE'S FLAT. DAY.
Ken runs into the lounge. Wanda isn't there. He hears the sound of sobbing coming from the bathroom.
WANDA(oov) (sobbing) It's ok,, Ken. Really
Ken tries the door. It is locked.
KEN Wwwwhy are you ccc....
WANDA(oov) (sobbing) It's very painful for me when people don't trust me.
WANDA(oov) Ken, it's all right. It's my problem.
A primal scream. Ken is heart-broken.
KEN I ddddo trust you. I ppp...
WANDA(oov) Put it somehere?
KEN ….pp promise. There's a a kkk....
WANDA (an inspiration) A key!!!
KEN Yyyyes, that's all I know. Ilovee you, Wwwanda.
Wanda opens the door in a flash.
WANDA Oh Ke. You sweet, sweet man.
WANDA No. Don't be sorry. If it wasn't for George...
Ken is deeply touched. Wanda strokes him.
WANDA So George moved the loot somehere, you don't Know where, but he gave
you the key to it.....
KEN (nods) It's in the tt...
WANDA No! Don't tell me.
WANDA Trust me. And don't tell George you told me about the key. You know how angry he
can get. Ok?
Ken nods. She starts thinking.
KEN Otto tried to kkkkkiss me.
WANDA ...I thought he might.
42 EXT. PRISON YARD. Day.
An identification parade. Didtant yapping can be heard. The old lady who witnessed the getaway, mrs Coady, is walking along a line of men holding cards. She approaches George, whose fase looks
slightly odd, as he is trying subtly to distort his features. The old lady spots him immediately, and says to the policeman, Ibsen, who accompanies her, and Inspector Marvin, who is watching.
MRS COADY That's him. That's the one who tried to kill my dogs.
The rest of the line are interested. Inspector Marvin in his book.
42A INT. GARAGE. DAY
Otto, breathless and grym, has the garage apart. The car is in 17,128 piece. He looks round.
OTTO oK. So...what? It's not here. So he's moved it to...where?|... Think...bastard! I'll
get his think! What? Wheew? Ah! He's moved it to...think!! to....yes! Make....
a....fool of me!.
He fires three more shots at the safe.
42B INT. LOCKSMITH'S SHOP. DAY.
A Locksmith is examining the key through an eyeglass.
LOCHSMITH No....nothing. No marks at all.
WANDA But is it safety deposit box key or.....
LOCKSMITH Oh yes, but...could ne any in England, millions of 'em. Banks, offoces,
he hands they key back. Wanda grimly replace it in her locket and thinks.
43 INT. ARCHIE'S CHAMBERS. DAY.
Archie sits at his desk, working on a brief. Wanda comes into view outside. He gets up, pulls out a legal tome and turns to the right page. As he does so he becomes aware of being watched. He looks aut of the window. Wanda waves. Archie stares, them returns the waves. Archie stares, then returns the wave. Wanda mimes ”Can I see you”. Archie waves her round to the main door. He hurries across the room, opens the door on to the corridor and calls to his Clerk.
Davidson appears from his office.
DAVIDSON Yes, Mr Leach.
ARCHIE Er...there's a young...legal student at the door, wants to see for a moment. What
time's Sir John here?
DAVIDSON Half past twelve, sir.
Davidson goes, and Archie hurries back to his room, hesitates hurries to his desk, and sits, studying deeply. The door opens and Archie loks up, rises and stides across the room to Wanda.
ARCHIE Well, how very nice to see you again.
WANDA Am I interrupting?
ARCHIE Absolutely not.
WANDA You're sure?
ARCHIE Delighted to see you.
He offers his hand but Wanda steps forward and kisses him on the cheek, which startles him.
WANDA Iwas at the courts this morning.
Archie moves to offer her a chair.
WANDA What are you doing?!
ARCHIE …..Offering you a chair.
ARCHIE Sorry! Please. I'm afraid I only have a few minutes before....(he glances at his watch)
Wanda sits. Archie goes round desk to sit.
ARCHIE Well done. Still, till then I'm all yours. As they say. So... what, what can I do for you?
WANDA Well, I'm having some problems understanding preleminary criminal procedures.
ARCHIE Ah. Good!
WANDA What exactly is a committal?
ARCHIE Interesting. Um, it's basically a preliminary investigation where the prosecution
presents prima-faci evidence that the accused has a case to answer for trial.
WANDA Well, that's what it says in the books, but look...take for example...(she smiles
rueffully).....my “friend” in jail, George Thomason, when he appears at the
committal on Wednesday....
ARCIE George Thomason?
WANDA Yes, he's.....
ARCHIE I'm defending him!
Archie is rather pleased.
WANDA ….What are you talking about.
ARCHIE I'm his barrister – his lawyer.
WANDA Oh that's so weird. Great! I'm so glad you're defending him.
ARCHIE (taking the compliment a little eagerly) Thanks you.
WANDA Fantastic. So I can really watch you work.
WANDA So at the committal George will plead....?
ARCHIE (obviously) Not guilt.
ARCHIE Oh yes, the evidence is largely circumstantial.
WANDA But there's been an identification.
ARCHIE True, but a very....elderly lady. I think they've got the wrong man.
WANDA ...You don't think he did it?
WANDA Oh. But, er, let's juast say, theoretically, that you did.
ARCHIE ...If more evidence against came to to light you mean.
WANDA Right. Then you might advise him him to plead guilty and get his sentence cut by handing back the diamonds, via who? You?
ARCHIE ...Theoretically. Yes, well, you see....oh....how embarrassing....
ARCHIE I'm really most frightfully sorry...I've forgotten your name.
ARCHIE What a fool, what a fool. Well Wanda, THERE ARE REALLY THREE....
A STRANGE LOOK COMES OVER HIS FACE.
AECHIE (can't be) Not Wanda Gershwitz?
ARCHIE (quietly) Oh my God.
WANDA What's the matter?
ARCHIE (almost speechless) You're his alibi! I can't talk to you.
WANDA Why not?
ARCHIE My dear young lady, you are a defence witness. (He rises) I must ask you to leave immediately. I'm sorry.
WANDA What did I say?
ARCHIE ….It is not ethical for me talk to a witness.
WANDA ….Everyone does in America.
ARCHIE Not in England. It's strictly forbidden. I'm very sorry, I must insist. Please!
Wanda is looking at Archie oddly.
WANDA Oh Archie....
Archie takes a step back to her.
WANDA Ididn't come here to talk about legal procedure.
WANDA Come on! You know. You Knew the moment I walked in here.
Archie experience truly profound puzzlement.
WANDA I want you, you fool.
The intercom buzzes. Archie answers it automatically.
DAVIDSON(oov) Sir John is here.
ARCHIE Tank you. Show him in.
WANDA (spelling it out) I want you to make love to me.
WANDA Will you take me to bed with you?
ARCHIE ...No. Sorry.
WANDA Please! You make me so wet.
The door opensrevealling Davidson. Wanda pecks Asrchie on the cheek and walks out past Sir John.
WANDA By uncle.
Archie sees Sir John.
Sir John looks at him strangely.
44A EXT. ARCHIE'S CHAMBERS. DAY.
As Wanda walks away, Archie's face appears at his window, staring a after her.
45 INT. OTTO'S PAD. NIGHT.
Wanda lets herself in.
WANDA He's pleading “Not guilty”
Otto is doing Tai-Chi, to the sound of a recording of a battle. Wanda takes a deep breath.
WANDA So you're safe till trial, unless new evidence come up. And Leach doesen't think he
WANDA And Ken says there's a safe deposit key but only George Knows where it is. (She
throws herself down on the floor) Thanks you Wanda. So what have you found out?
(She opens her People magazine)
OTTO Not a lot....
WANDA You realize he's in court tomorrow.
OTTO Yes I know. I know that!
WANDA ...Nothing eh?
OTTO Nix. Zip. Dick. (He pauses in mid-swoop) Niente.
Wanda stiffens. Venetian gondolier music replaces the small-arms fire.
46 INT. ARCHIE'S BEDROOM. NIGHT.
C.U. A brief is laid down on a bed-side table. “THE CROWN VERSU GEORGE THOMASON”. Archie
aits on the bed. Portia is complaining to Wendy, who sits aat her dressing-table, smearing on cold cream.
PORTIA Oh it's too big...
WENDY It isn,t, Portia
PORTIA Oh, it is, it's much too big. It's absolutely enormous. Oh please, mother!
WENDY No, absolutely not.
PORTIA You don't care. I'm so miserable.
WENDY Oh do shut up, Portia. All I get, all day, is people complaining to me. Huh!
Portia runs out.
ARCHIE Oh dear....
Archie starts to remove his trousers.
47 INT. OTTO'S PAD. NIGHT.
A belt buckle pings. Otto is removing his trousers more interestingly.
OTTO Ecco l'uomo.
48 INT. ARCHIE'S BEDROOM. NIGHT.
Archie's shirt comes off, revealing a slightly baggy vest. Wendy is absorbed by her dressing table activities.
49 INT. OTTO'S PAD. NIGHT.
Otto's shert comes off, with a flourish.
OTTO Due capuccini con zucchero.
50 INT. ARCHIE'S BEDROOM. NIGHT.
Archie gets into bed. Wendy is peeling off her blouse.
51 INT. OTTO'S PAD. NIGHT.
So is Wanda.
OTTO(oov) Le due cupole grande della cattedrale di Milano.
52 INT. ARCHIE'S BEDROOM. NIGHT.
Wendy gets into bed. Archie is deeply engrossed in his brief. Wendy glances at it. She sighs.
53 INT. OTTO'S PAD. NIGHT.
In the gloom, spectacular humping is taking place to the sound of Wagner.
OTTO Dov'è la farmacia. C'è nel vicino qui nella Piazza San Marco a Venezia. Allore,
vogliamo bevere una bottiglia di Chianti classico e di San Pellegrino.
54 INT. ARCHIE'S BEDROOM. NIGHT.
Wendy reads a 'Horse & Hound'. Archie is engrossed in the brief.
WENDY Archie, Iwant you to speak to her about plastic surgery.
WENDY I do wish you'd listen to me. I want you speak to Portia.
ARCHIE Oh! Yes. Right, I'll have a word with her in the morning.
WENDY Good night, Archie.
She sings and turns the light out on her side.
WENDY Good night, Archie.
ARCHIE Good night, Wanda.
Pausa. Wendy's head comes back up.
WENDY Good night who?
ARCHIE Oh!....Oh, sorry darling, just some stupid case I've got tomorrow some...lousy old
55 INT. MAGISTRATE'S COURT. DAY.
Wanda, sufficiently disguised to be not immediately recognised, sits on one of the pubblic benches in a fairly relaxed but busy coutyoom. George stand in the dock, with a P.C. By him. Archie and Bartlett are sitting at the front of the court, and Otto and Ken separately further back among the pubblic. The court is presided over by a woman Satipendiari Magistrate, and run by the Clerk of the Court. No-one wears robes except the Uscher.
CLERK Are you George Francis Thomason, of Kipling Mansions, Murray Avenue, London
GEORGE Yes, sir.
George catches Wanda's eye. She makes an encouraging face.
CLERK The charge is one of armed robbery. Sit down Mr Thomason. Are we ready for
committal today Mr Percival?
Percival, the prosecuting counsel, rises.
PERCIVAL Yes, it will be under Section Six, Two, madam.
ARCHIE That is so, Section Six, Two.
Otto, at the back, is keeping a general eye on things. He is sitting some way from Wanda ad Ken.
PERCIVAL Here are the statements, all to be fully bound, please.
MAGISTRATE Stand up then, Mr Thomason. You are hereby committed to stand trial at the
Central Criminal Court.
George now indicates to Ken that the wants to speak to him. Ken nods.
PERCIVAL There is some urgency about this case, madam, as the main witness, Mrs Eileen
Coady, is elderly and has ad certain heart difficulties recently; is there any possibility
that this case might be but down for an early trial.
Wanda looks at Otto. Archie confers quietly with Bartlett.
CLERK This is for the Listing Office at the Old Bailey, Mr Percival. (To the P.C. With George)
Take him down to the cells, please officer.
The Copper with George stands and rummages for his Keys. Ken darts forward. Otto, alert watches. The Magistrate and Clerk converse privately. George says something to Ken and slips him a piece of paper. Otto's eyes narrow. The Copper turns to take George out, and waves Ken away. Ken hurries away. Otto moves in his direction.
56 EXT. COURTROOM STEPS. DAY.
People spill out doun the steps, Ken among them. Otto falls in beside him.
OTTO Hi, Hon.
Ken starts but keeps moving. Otto stays with him.
OTTO You look great. Time for a coffee?
Ken declines, vigorously shaking his head.
KEN Nnnnn....I've gggot to gggg...
OTTO Have you thought it over? On, one thing Ken...why did he give you this?
Otto has stopped. He has George's piece of paper in his hand. He reads aloud.
OTTO Eileen Coady, 22 Lincoln House, Basil Street.
Ken's eyes pop. He graps at his pocket, realizes and dashes to Otto.
OTTO What's he want you to do? Send her flowers?
Ken tries to grap the paper back.
OTTO Do her shopping? Sho her a good time'
KEN (snatching vainly) Gggggg....
OTTO Rub her out? Have a bit of noo....
Ken jumps a foot in the air. Otto stares at him. Ken looks furtive.
OTTO What! What??! He wants you to rub her out?!
KEN (suddenly nonchalantly) Nnnn....
OTTO (addressing three passers-by) He's going to kill her.
Ken makes a panicky move to hush Otto. The passers-by, ggawp.
OTTO (to punks) Funck off or I'll kill you. You limey fruits.
The passers-by disappear. Otto starts shaking with laughter.
OTTO So...Granny's going to mmmmeet with an accident is she?
KEN Sssshhh....sshhhh! (Suddenly angry) What's so funny?!
OTTO Wasting old ladies usn't nice....
KEN It's bbbetter than bbbggering people.
Otto is helpeless with mirth. Ken gets the paper back. Otto controls himself.
OTTO Ken...I bet you a pound you don't kill her.
KEN (deeply, deeply angry)....All right.
His jaw set, Ken stalks off. Otto calls after him, attracting attention.
OTTO Look at the man's aas when he walks. Is that beautiful or is that beautiful? No!
Otto turns and sees something. It's Archie with another lawyer. Watched by Wanda.
He is folling Wanda, who is herself following Archie.
57 EXT. STREETS NEAR COURTROOM. DAY.
Wanda, still disguised, stands near Archie, who is talking with a legal friend, Zebedee.
ARCHIE I'm tied up the whole day....
ZEBEDEE So how soon could you look at it?
ARCHIE Let's see. Thursday's hopeless, dinner Thursday night, Friday...ah!
Wanda is close enough to hear, as they slow down.
ARCHIE My wife's going to the opera on Friday evening. I'll look at it then. Call me at the
office Saturday morning?
ZEBEDEE I'd really apprecite that. Thanks Archie. Bye.
Wanda moves to Archie and he sees her.
Archie double-takes on Wanda's semi-disguise.
WANDA I know. We mustn't be seen together. (She puts a pink note in his breast pocket)
ARCHIE We're not allowed to talk.
WANDA We don't have to. I don't want you for your conversation.
ARCHIE I can't...
WANDA Oh Jesus!
She lets out a strangled cry and hurries off. Archie stares after her.
So is Wanda, who keeps walking. Otto appears as Archie stares after her.
OTTO What's happening?
WANDA Got a date Friday.
58A INT. LAUNDRY ROOM. MRS COADY'S FLAT. DAY.
C/U of gas meter. Whistling. The back of a man's head comes into shot as he peers at the meter. He writes in his notebook. He glances into the corridor. It's empty. He suddenly grabs a piece of underwear from a pile, and stuffs it inside his shirt, still whistling. Mrs Coady appears.
MRS COADY Will you stop that noise. The dogs are trying to rest.
There is a frightful yapping and Mrs Coady's doglets rush into the room. Ken puts put his hand making kissing noises, on of the dogs bites him. Ken shakes his hand in pain.
58B EXT. MRS COADY'S BLOCK. DAY
Ken emerges, sucking his hand, and mounts his mootorcycle.
58C INT, ARCHIE'S CAR DAY.
Archie, Wanda's pink note in hand, is dialling her number on his car pfone. He is parked in a suburban street. He's nervous. It starts to ring.
58D INT. GEORGE'S FLAT. DAY.
Wanda near the start of her enening primping picks the phone up.
58E INT. ARCHIE'S CAR. DAY.
Archie xhichens and puts the phone down.
58F INT. GEORGE'S FLAT. DAY.
Wanda smiles, and goes to choose a dress.
59 EXT. GEORGE'S BLOCK. DAY.
Wanda emerges, looking stunning, just as Ken dismounts from his motor-cycle and runs up the steps, with Coady's underwear in his hand. Ken hides the underwear behind his back, and then stares at Wanda's clothes.
WANDA Hallo darling.
She kisses him and notes his surprise. She indicates her outfit.
WANDA What? Oh don't worry about this. Otto's taking me to at gay club and I just wanted
to be safe.
He watches Wanda for a moment as she goes down the steps, and ther he hurries inside. Wanda goes up to Otto's car, and opens the door.
60 INT. OTTO'S CAR. DAY.
Otto is in full lotus-position in the driver's seat, meditating.
WANDA What are you doing?
OTTO It's a Buddhist meditation technique. (He opens his eyes end unwraps his legs) It
helps you focus your aggression. The monks used to do it before they went into
battle. (He starts the engine).
WANDA ...What kind of Buddhism is this, Otto?
60A EXT. GEORGE'S BLOCK. DAY.
Otto drives off suddenly, causing a car to brake noisily. Otto hitd his horn.
60B INT. OTTO'S CAR. DAY.
OTTO Asshole! It's an early Tantric....(He takes on Wanda) What is this?
WANDA Otto, to get the information, I have to be friendly with him, ok?
61 INT. ARCHIE'S HOUSE. HALL. DAY.
Archie is mounting the stairs, carrying a brief. Wendy appears below. Portia lurks unenthusiastically.
WENDY Right! (sighs). Well, we're off now, at last.
ARCHIE Good! Well...enjoy the opera....
Portia pulls a face.
WENDY Your dinner's in the fridge, Archie.
ARCHIE Marvellous! Thank you darling.
WENDY Be good.
62 INT. OTTO'S CAR. DAY.
OTTO When you say “friendly”...what are we taking about here? Cordial? Corteous?
WANDA I don't know exactly Otto, we'll just have to see what happens.
OTTO Fine. So ...friendly might include actual what? Penetration, yes.
WANDA LooK! I don't need ypur jealousy right now.
OTTO Look, I am merely curious about....yealous!? Ha! Of that fop.
63 INT. KITCHEN, ARCHIE'HOUSE. DAY.
Archie is looking into the fridge. He sees a pork pie and a few tired lettuce leaves on a plate. And two apples.
64 INT. OTTO'S CAR. DAY.
WANDA (very quietly)....What about my tits?
OTTO (casually) Does he get to handle 'em?
WANDA That's my forecast, yes. I'll stand by that.
WANDA I think 20 million dollars is worth a little nuzzling. So, an 80% chance there.
OTTO (meanly) Sucking?
WANDA (coolly) I thought you were't jealous.
OTTO I'm not! I don't belive in jealousy. It's dumb! One thing though. Touch his dick and
65 EXT. SUBURBAN ROAD. DAY.
Otto's car roars past. We stay on another car, stationary at the side of the road, with a puncture.
Wendy ans Portia examine it. Wendy sighs and looks at her watch,
66 INT. DEN. ARCHIE'S HOUSE. NIGHT
Archie sits on a sofa, nibbling a lettuce leaf and reading a brief.
67 EXT. DRIVEWAY, ARCHIE'S HOUSE. NIGHT.
Otto has opened the front door with some CIA device. Wanda slips inside. Otto closes the door again quietly, turns, sees something by his car in the drive. In a flash he's on the ground rolling for cover, a gun in his hand. He sims and fires. Plop. Cat noises. Otto smiles coolly.
68 INT. DEN. ARCHIE'S HOUSE. NIGHT.
Wanda, looking Wandaful, stands inside the door behind Archie.
WANDA Do you despise me?
Archie jumps and spins round. He stares at Wanda.
WANDA Hi. I couldn't keep away.
ARCHIE Tank God.
WANDA Can I stay?
Archie smiles and rises.
ARCHIE Ofo course. Look, Wanda....
WANDA I know, your wifw's coming back.
ARCHIE No, no it's not that, she's gone for hours. It's about what I said to you....it is all right
for us to talk....
WANDA It is?
ARCHIE Provided we don't discuss the case.
ARCHIE But if anyone saw us together, theyd think,,,,
WANDA They won't.
ARCHIE ...Sorry if I'm...I'm not used to...
WANDA You're the best.
ARCHIE ….Can I get you a drink?
WANDA Please. Voska.
ARCHIE ...You are the sexiest, most beautiful girl I have ever....
From outside comes a heart-rending feline yowl.
ARCHIE ….seen in my entire life.
WANDA (softly) Get the drink.
69 EXT. LAWN. ARCHIE'S HOUSE. NIGHT.
Otto is examining a fine, fluffy tail from a second cat. He waft it in the cool air.
OTTO That is a beauty Siamese...
He blows on it, pops it in his breast pocket, and moves off, making kissing noises. He glances up at the window. Archie appears and begins pouring a drink. Behind Archie, Wanda appears. She turns Archie round and Kisses him. It's a big kiss. Otto stares. Archie and Wanda sink out of sight. Otto's lip twitches slightly. He looks thoughtfully at his gun, and absent-mindedly tightens the silencer. He is torn.
70 INT. DEN. NIGHT.
Archie and Wanda are on the floor, caressing, and staring into each other's eyes.
WANDA I want to have a long affair with you, Archie.
ARCHIE Do you really?.
WANDA Yes. It'd be esasier if George was guilty, wouldn't it? (She kisses him) I wonder if he
ARCHIE Is what? (He kisses her)
WANDA Guilty? (She kisses him)
ARCHIE ...But he was with you.
Wanda kisses him hard to cover her logical error.
70A EXT. ARCHIE'S HOUSE. NIGHT.
Otto is on the roof paering into the den. Due to the configuration of the furniture, he can see only feet. He thinks.
70B INT. DEN. NIGHT.
ARCHIE Anyway darling, we mustn't talk about the trial, Ok?
WANDA But is affects us Archie.
ARCHIE But darling...
WANDA Kiss me here. Doesn't it?
ARCHIE (kissing her) How...how does it affect us?
Archie moves Wanda's locket out of the way.
71 INT. HALL, ARCHIE'S HOUSE. NIGHT.
The latch is being opened a second time. The door yawns silenty. Otto enters and listens. And hears a moan.
72 INT. DEN. ARCHIE'S HOUSE. NIGHT.
Archie is nuzzling contentedly. Wanda is moaning loudly.
WANDA Ooh, where did you learn to do that? Oh Archie! So, say someone like George
decided to plead guilty, he'd tell you about the loot first, wouldn't he? He'd tell you-
oh you're gorgeous – where the diamonds were before he told the police, yes?
ARCHIE (muffled) Mm, the normal proprocedure when the defendant changes his
instruction to his legal representative, especially in regard to the plea, is fully and in
all aspects to re-instruct.
Wanda has seen Otto. She mouthes “Fuck off”.
ARCHIE What's the matter?
Wanda waves Otto away with a hand behind Archie's back.
WANDA Oh yes. That's wonderful.
ARCHIE ...I'm not doing anything.
WANDA Yes but it's the way you're not doing it. (Loudly) Ohhh!
WANDA Darling...you're getting me too turned on.
ARCHIE Sorry, I....
WANDA I've got to stop for a moment...Could I have a drink.
ARCHIE (reaching for her vodka)...Here.
WANDA A cold one? Have you got anything...on ice, or...?
ARCHIE (smiling) Champagne?
WANDA Oh my favourite! Thank you darling.
ARCHIE (leaping up) Don't go away.
He hurries out of the room. Wanda flies at Otto, very very quietly. The locket lies on the floor, unnoticed.
WANDA What the fuck are you doing?
WANDA Get the fuck out of here!
OTTO He won't see me. If he does, I'll kill him.
Wanda hits Otto hard.
WANDA Will you get out!
OTTO (slightly surprised) I heard the moaning. I was worried.
WANDA I'm faking it you stupid fuckwit. Now get...
OTTO (grabbing her wrist) Don't...ever call me stupid. And I'm not jealous.
WANDA So leave then.
OTTO Ok. Nice place.
Otto laughs, and begins to leave. He wags an admonishing finger.
OTTO Don't make me kill him.
73 INT. HALLWAY, ARCHIE'S HOUSE. NIGHT.
Otto comes down the stairs like a cat. He listens for Archie. Satisfied, he opens the front door, goes to leave, stops, retreats, closes the door, does a mini-panic, regains his cool and shoots up the stairs again.
74 INT. DEN. NIGHT.
Wanda is arranging herself for Archie's re-entrance. Otto runs in.
OTTO His wife's back.
In a flash they have both disappeared. A moment, and Wendy and Oortia come up the stairs. Wendy walks in and goes straight to the drinks cabinet. Portia pos upstairs. Archie bounds into the room with a champagne bottle and two glasses on tray. As wendy has her back turned and is wearing the some dress as Wanda, he doesn't realize it's her for a moment.
Wendy turns. Archie sees her and screams.
WENDY What's the matter?
Archie's eyes flicker round the room. Wendy eyes the tray.
WENDY What are you doing?
ARCHIE Champagne dear...to welcome you home. I'lll pour you glass.
He puts the tray down, checking the room for Wanda. He starts pouring.wendy watches him, puzzled.
WENDY Whose is the car?
ARCHIE The car?
WENDY Blocking the drive.
Archie's pouring gets worse. He's rilled two glasses.
ARCHIE There you are dear. Cheers!
ARCHIE Nice to see you again. How was the opera? Finished early....?
WENDY Whose car is it?
Wendy is looking at Wanda's abandoned glass.
Otto appears from nowhere.
OTTO It's mine. Where did I leave my glass Archie?
Archie does not believe this happening. Otto looks around.
He goes and picks up Wanda's glass.
WENDY (quietly) Who is this?
ARCHIE (quietly)....Don't you know?
OTTO (to Wendy) Hi. Harvey Clone. I'm with the CIA to know Mrs Leach. (he drinks)
OTTO Yeah, I was just telling your husband before I visited the bathroom. We've got a
high-ranking KGB defector in a safe house near here.....
Archie is staring into space....
OTTO ...We're debriefing him as of now so we're just checking all the houses round here.
WENDY For what?
OTTO For KGB.
WENDY (slightly irritaded) Is there any danger?
OTTO No, no. Not now. We just wanted to keep everyone informed. Ok. (He finisches his
drink) Thanks Archie. Sorry to have troubled you folks. I'll see myself out.
Otto makes to move off but Wendy puts a hand on his arm.
WENDY Keep everyone informed...?
OTTO So there's no panic.
WENDY But isn't it secret?
OTTO You have no idea how secret, Mrs Leach.
WENDY Well, why are you telling everyone?
OTTO ….It's a smokescreen.
OTTO Double bluff. Listen, you obvioisly don't Know anything about intelligence work
lady. It's an XK Red 27 technique.
WENDY My father was in the Secret Service, Mr Clone, and I know perfectly well that you
don't keep the general pubblic informed ehen you're de briefing KGB defectors a
OTTO Oh, you don't huh?
WENDY Not unless you're congenitally insane or irretrievably stupid, no.
OTTO Don't call me stupid....
WENDY Why on earth not?
Otto glowers, boiling. Archie sees Wanda, who waves to him surreptitiously from behind Wendy.
OTTO You English, you're so fucking superior, aren't you? Well, would you like to know
where you'd be without us to protect you? I'll tll you – the smallest fucking province
in the Russian Empire, that's a what! And what thanks do we get? Nothing! Zippo!
Diddley-squat!! because America's rich and powerful and you fucking English don't
like einners. So don't call me stupid, lady. Just thank me.
He turns and starts to leave. Wendy follows.
WENDY Well, thank you for popping in and protecting us, Mr Clone.
As Otto and Wendy disappear downstairs, Wanda pokes her head out of hiding.
OTTO ...If it wasn't for us, you'd all be speaking German.
WANDA That's my brother. He was covering for me.
WANDA Get her out of here and I'll split.
ARCHIE Right. Yes, I'll think of something.
PORTIA Who are you talking to?
Portia is standing at the door.
ARCHIE Myself, darling.
PORTIA Who was that shouting?
ARCHIE The brother of a...of a firend of mine.
Wendy's coming back up the stairs.
ARCHIE Yes, dear?
WENDY Who on earth...
ARCHIE I don't Know....extraordinary! He rang the bell, I opened the door....
WENDY I need a drink.
ARCHIE Let's go down to the pub.
ARCHIE Let's go to the pub. Have a drink there. Do you want to come Portia?
Portia has seen the locket. It is very near Wanda's hiding place.
WENDY We haven't been to the pub for fifteen years....
ARCHIE Be nice for Portuia to see it....
PORTIA What's this?
She bends down to pick the locket up. Archie realizes and moves fast.
ARCHIE (snatching it) Oh yes. Thanks Portia. Ok. Coming us?
WENDY What was that?
PORTIA A sort of locket...
ARCIE Nothing. Nothing. Ok, let's go.
WENDY What's going on?
ARCHIE Nothing darling.
WENDY Can I see it?
Arcie looks mystified.
WENDY In your hand. Your other hand.
Archie is paralysed. Wendy taken his hand, opens it and takes the locket.
ARCHIE Portia, go to youe room. I can explain everything dear. I left some papers at the
office (to Portis) Now! (to Wendy) And they sent a new girl over....
WENDY Oh Archie!
ARCHIE No really, she's Canadian, and she mentioned it was her birthday...so....
WENDY It's lovely. Thank you.
Wendy kisses him. Archie is stunned. Portia leaves the room, shaking her head.
WENDY It's the mosto beautiful thing you've ever given me.
Wanda, alarmed, peeps out, registering the loss.
WENDY And you've had it engraved......
She shows the “W” on the Locket.
WENDY Oh darling. Thank you.
She kisses Archie again. Archie suddenly graps her and kisses her passionately, waving Wanda out of the room. He holds Wendy very tightly.
WENDY Archie......this isn't like you.
Wendy responds. The embrace intensifies. Wanda slips from her hiding place and out of the door. Archie watches jer go. He moans quietly. Wendy moans loudly. Outside, a cat howls.
75 Ext. ARCHIE'S HOUSE. NIGHT.
The house. A light goes off in the den. At the side of the house two figures depart, arguing futiously in muted tones.
WANDA What the hell do you think you were doing.
OTTO I saved your ass baby.
WANDA I had him just where I wanted him, and you....
A car door slams.
78 INT. DINING ROOM. ARCHIE'S HOUSE. DAY
The Leaches are finishing breakfast. Wendy is reading the paper looking very relaxed. Archie. Pre-occupied, is trying to concentrate on a brief. The telephone rings. Portia runs in …?..picks it up eagerly.
PORTIA Hallo? (didgruntled) Oh. Dad.
She leaves, dumping the phone. Archie comes to pick it up.
ARCHIE Hallo....Not at the mment, no....uh huh.
He glances at Wendy's lochet.
ARCHIE Yes, I'm not absolutely sure when I'll be able to get hold of that....yes I appreciate
that....yes I appreciate that.
Wendy glances at him, sees him looking at her and happily indicates the locket. Archie beams uneasily.
ARCHIE As soon se possible, yes. Uh, huh. Well that would be very nice, obviously. so...see
you soon I hope.
ARCHIE (quickly) Goodbye, Frank.
He puts the phone down.
79A INT. OTTO'S PAD. DAY
Wanda puts down the phone, and returns to her breakfast, preoccupied and irritable. Otto is nearly reading “The Portable machiavelli”, but what little intuition he has makes him suspicious.
OTTO That guy is so stiff and awkward and pompous and....
WANDA He's English, Otto. It's normal...
OTTO Why are you so bothered about that lochet?
WANDA I'm not.
A pause as Otto stares.
WANDA It's just George gave it to me.
WANDA He might ask where it is.
OTTO Tell him you lost it.
WANDA I like it. What's the matter? Don't you trust me?
WANDA Oh that's nice. That's a real sweet thing to say to me this morning, thanks you.
OTTO It's not personal. I don't trust anyone. And I don't want you to trust me either, I
couldn't handle it.
WANDA I'm only just realizing how far down the food chain you are.
OTTO Why do you think so many relationaships break up? Trust it puts too much pressure
on people. The spontaneity goes.
WANDA Remind me, Otto....why are we together...?
OTTO Twenty million bucks and I like playing hide-the-salami with you.
WANDA Do you ever write poetry Otto?
OTTO Yes. Why.
WANDA Speaking of twenty million, what I'm doing to get it is keeping George happy, seeing
if Ken finds out anything, and setting up Archie so we know what George is going to
do. What are you doing, Otto?
OTTO ...What was the last part?
WANDA Where do you go when I'm talking to you?
OTTO Look there's a lot going on up here.
WANDA Your mind wanders Otto.
OTTO If you could only understand the concepts...
WANDA What are you doing for your half, Otto, apart from mangling Machiavelli.
OTTO (still and angry) I do not mangle....
WANDA Stgart making enquiries Otto.
OTTO ….Beginning where, for instance?
WANDA Beginning anywhere.
8O Ext. MRS COADY'S BLOCK OF FLATS. DAY.
A slightly dirty black van with minimal windows is parked about 30 yards from the entrance to the block.
Inside the van are Ken and a huge fearsome dog called Maggie. The dog is half Dobermann Pincher ad half Dragon. It is growling fearsomely. It has a muzzle on. Ken ties to keep it calm.
KEN Easy, easy, Mmmmmmmggie. Easy ggggirl.
Through the small window in the back, Ken sees Mrs Coady and her three little dogs coming out of
KEN Here! Smell, smell!
Ken produces the stolen underwear and holds it to Maggie's muzzle. Maggie gets more excited.
KEN Kkkkkkill, kkkkkill.
Inside the van, carnage. Suddenly the van doors fly open.
Maggie lands outside the van, knichers around her head. Sche tosses them off and sniffs. She looks in the direction of Mr Coady and sets off towards her at a terrifying lope. Mrs Coady hardly sees Maggie before she is upon her. In one deft movement, Maggie takes one of the small dogs in her jaws and disappears down the street with it. Mrs Coady puts her hand to her heart.
The black van drives off.
81 EXT. KENSINGTON PET CEMETERY. DAY.
A very bandaged Ken lurks behind a tree. He is watching the burial of Mrs Coady's little dog. A Vicar presides. The moment of interment arrives. Sad music plays.
A tear rolls down Ken's cheek.
81A INT. SAFE DEPOSIT BOX AREA. DAY.
C/U photograph of George.
OTTO (V.O. English accent) Did this man deposit anything here on the morning of May
The Clerk looks at the photo askance.
CLERK Who's ashing?
OTTO (flashing a card) M15.
CLERK ….I didn't see it.
Otto flashes the card again.
CLERK I still didn't see it.
OTTO This is important old chap.
CLERK Sir, we are unable to divulge confidential information of the Kind you're seeking,
without proper identification and authorisation....
otto grabs him by the throat, puts a grenade to his head, and pulls the pin put.
OTTO Did he?
CKERK (terrified) No! No! Never seen him before. I swear it. Jesus!
OTTO (looking at a list) Ok. Now where do I finf Barclays Bank, Craven Road?
The petrified Clerk points. Otto replaces the pin.
OTTO Thank you. Good morning.
82A INT. GEORGE'S FLAT. DAY.
Close on Otto knocking on the door, ao that we don't recognize for a moment where we are. The door opens, revealing the bandaged Ken with a black armband.
OTTO Allo Angel. (Seeing the bandages) What happened?
KEN Nnnnthing. (He retreats, trying to conceal the armband).
OTTO (pointing to it) What's that? Not Granny is it?
KEN Not yet nnn....
OTTO Who's it for then?
KEN A fff.....
OTTO A faggot? A phone operator? A Frenchman?
KEN A fffffriend.
OTTO Four-legged one? Hard luck. Where's my sister?
KEN She's in the bbb...lavatory.
Otto wanders towards the bedroom calling....
Wanda emerges from the bathroom, altert.
WANDA (quietly but slightly excited) Anything?
OTTO What? no....
Wanda goes back into the bethroom.
WANDA (louder) Why are you here?
OTTO Becouse I'm bored. Bored with wandering round London showing George's pic....
(He glances out towards the main room).....talking to a lot of notty, tight-assed,
He sees Wanda's handbag and moves to it.
OTTO ...English shirtlifting neard, Jesus! They're uptight.
Otto pokes around in the bag and sees an envelope addresse “Miss W Geershwitz” “Private and Confidential”. He glances at the bathroom and sneaks the letter out.
OTTO They get rigor mortis in the prime of life in this country, standing there with their
hair clenched, just waithing for the weekend so they can dress up as ballerinas
Unfolding it, he starts as he sees something in the letter.
INSERT: “See uyou at the flat at four. 2B St Trevor's wharf, E1.”
OTTO …..whip each other at the flat at four, 2B St Tr...(he looks towards the bathroom.
Loudly) To be honest....I despise them. (He shoves the note back in the envelope)
Pretending the're so fucking superior (He puts the envelope in the bag) with those
phoney wharfs. Accents I Pfoney accents. (Rising, the see Ken peeping into the
room) Not you Ken. You have a beatifukl speaking voice.
Ken disappears, embarrassed.
OTTO When it works...bastard!!
OTTO (quietly) Heard from fim? (Loudly) So, want some lunch
WANDA (quietly) Who?
WANDA (louder) No, I've got to finish hair. (Quietly) No....
OTTO (quietly) No plans to see him?
WANDA (quietly) No. (Louder) Bye, bro.
Otto wanders out of the bedroom, and sees Ken walking along.
OTTO See you Wanda.
He picks up a photo of her and puts his first through it. Ken turns.
OTTO Oh! Sorry....
83 INT. LIVING ROOM. ARCHIE'S HOUSE. DAY.
ARCHIE It wasn't theirs to sell An old woman gave it to them to be engrved, she's about 80
snd dying and it's of great sentimentl value and somebody put it in in the display
cabinet by mistke. So....
WENDY That's their problem.
ARCHIE Well not really, legally they can't give title to it if.....
WENDY You paid for it.
ARCHIE And they accept their mistake so they're offering you this...(producing a stunning
pendant) which is worth over three times as much and.....
WENDY (putting a hand on the locket wich she's wearng) This is the nicest thing you've ever
given me that I abosutely love, and now you want me to give it back.
ARCHIE I don't want you to give....
WENDY Well they can't have it.
ARCHIE Wendy!! pa 71
WENDY Tell them they can's have it. You're the barrister.
She runs into the garden. Archie fumes impotently.
84 EXT. FRIEND'S FLAT. DAY
Wanda comes along the street, looking at the numbers of the house. Sche pauses and checks the number con Archie's letter.
85 INT. FIEND'S FLAT. DAY.
Archie is preening the flat. He checks the champagne, turns the music up, looks round, cheks his apparance.
86 INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE FRIEND'S FLAT. DAY.
Wanda is outside the door of the flat. She opens her bag and prepares to go into combat. A squirt of scent up her skirt, a smudging of the eye make-up, a deep breath. She rings.
87 INT. FRIEND'S FLAT. DAY.
Archie opens the door. Wanda enters.
WANDA Hi.....Hey! It's nice.
ARCHIE You like it? It belongs to someone at the chambers.
WANDA Where is he?
ARCHIE Hong Kong. He's awey for weeks. Don't worry, we spoke this morning.
WANDA It's lovely. Hmmm....nice rug.
She admires a thick wite rug by the fireplace. Archie turns the music up.
ARCHIE May I have the pleasure?
He polkas with her, rather well and flamboyantly, for a few seconds. Wanda is surprised.
ARCHIE You make me feel so free!
ARCHE Wanda, have you any idea what it's like being English? Being so correct all the time,
so stifled by this drad of sayng the wrong thing, of asking someone whether they're
married and hearing “My wife left me this morning”, of saying “Do you have
children?”, or getting somebody's name wrong or having our flies open at a State
Funeral. Wanda, we're terrified of embarrassment. That's why we're so....dead.
Most of my friends are dead you know. But you're alive, God Bless you. And I want
to be. I'm so bored with all this....I want to make love with you Wanda. I'm a goog
lover. At least I used to be, back in the early Fourteenth century. Can we fo to bed?
WANDA I thought you'd never ask.
Archie suddenly sweeps her up in his arms, carries her into the bedroom and lays her on the bed. Otto is watching through the louvered doors of the wardrobe.
ARCHIE I think I lovee you Wanda.
WANDA Oh you sweet men. Can I ask you something?
ARCHIE Anything. Anything....
WANDA Where's the locket?
ARCHIE Icouldn't get it, Wanda....
they are speaking so quetly that Otto has to strain to hear
ARCHIE Wendy won't give it back. Look, (producing the new pendant) I got you this....
WANDA …..Archie, that's no good. (She eyeballs Archie) Have to have mine.
WANDA Yes 8she slokes) My mother gave it to me. On her d...(she cries). Sorry....
Otto missed this. He's frustrated.
ARCHIE Oh, ok. All right. I'll get it for you.
WANDA ...Can you?
ARCHJIE Yes...I'll find a way.
Otto can't hear a thing, and gives up.
ARCHIE Don't worry. You'll have it.
WARCHIE I promise.
Wanda starts loosening something.
WANDA And promise me....you'll tell me if George decides to plead guilty....
The guardrobe door is opening slightly in the background.
WANDA It affects us Archie.
WANDA And especially if he says something about my jewlels.
The wardrobe door is open wide. Otto is moving closer to the bed.
WANDA He has some jewels of mine and he won't tell me where he's put them. You might
be able to find out.....
ARCHIE Wanda, I can't....
WANDA Archie! Please! Promise me. Sex is difficult for me....if I don't completely trust
WANDA Oh, I love you Archie. (She kisses him:)
Otto, crawling to a better listening position, reacts, and makes a noise. Archie hears it. His head comes up.
ARCHIE What was that?
ARCHIE I thought....you're brother didn't bring you here this time?
WANDA No! Archie! (she laughs)
ARCHIE I just...he's no idea?
WANDA You can say that again.
WANDA Oh he's so dumb. He once told me the Gettysberg address was where Lincoln lived.
ARCHIE Oh. And those terrible lies he told about the CIA! Oh dear....painfu...
Archie smorts with laughter. Otto is silently imploding.
WANDA And when he heard your daughter was named Portia, he said “Why did they name
her after a car?”.
Otto, bemused for a moment, struggles for calm. Archie laughs and laugs. And laughs. Wanda watches Archie with curiosity.
WANDA (Not lying).....I like the way you laugh, Archie.
There is a moment between them.
ARCHIE And I like you. You're funny. How can someone as.....bright as you, have a brother
otto's head appears over the side of the bed, about two feet from them. There is another moment between Archie an Wanda.
OTTO (reasonably) Don't call me stupid.
They both see Otto is there and cry out, and leap away from him across the bed.
ARCHIE Jesu Christ!
WANDA What are you doing here?! Get out of here!!
In a flash, Otto has entangled Archie in the be dspread, grabbed Wanda by the wrist and is pulling her out of the bedroom.
WANDA Stop it, let me go you idiot, for Crhrist's sake let me go or I'll....
Otto shoves her out for the door of the flat into the corridor.
OTTO I'll deal with you later.
He slams the door on her and is back in the bedroom in an instant. Archie is just standing up. Wanda hammers on the flat door.
ARCHIE What have you done with her?
OTTO She's all right. Now apologise.
ARCHIE ….Are you totally deranged?
OTTO You pompous stuck-up English giant twerp scumbag dickhead butt-fucking asshole.
ARCHIE How interesting. You're a true vulfgarian aren't you.
OTTO ….I've never been near the place. I'm American.
ARCHIE I said Vulgarian....
OTTO OooH! Vulgrian. Well, you're the vulgariam, you fuck! Now, apologise....
ARCHIE To you!?
88 EXT. FRIEND'S FRAT. DAY.
Close on Archie.
ARCHIE All right. All right. I apologise...
OTTO(ovv) You're really sorry.
ARCHIE I'm really, really sorry. I apologise unreservedly.
OTTO You take it ckack....
The camera is turning through 180 degrees and mow pulls back rapidly, to reveal Archie dangling upside down out of the window of the flat. Otto is holding him by hid ankles.
ARCHIE I do. I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was quits uncalled for
anf was totally without basis in fact, nor was it “fair comment” and i deeply regret
any distress my remarks my have caused you or your family....
People in the street below are staring up. Archie is being hauled back in.
ARCHIE ….And I hereby undertake not to repeat such a slander at any time....
He disappears into the window. People look at each other.
89 INT. FRIEND'S FLAT. DAY.
OTTO So....don't ever, ever call me a stupid Vulgarian, Ok. (He moves off but turns) And if
you try to fuck my sister again, I'll drown you a bucket of your own blood.
Hammering is still audible. Otto strides to the door.
OTTO Think about it. It's part of your life now. (He opens he grabs Wanda and slam the
door behind him)
In the bedroom, Archie is kneeling, trepid.
ARCHIE I'm alive. Thank you God.
90 EXT. ROAD OUTSIDE MRS COADY'S BLOCK OF FLATS. DAY.
The road is deserted. A beaten-up Ford waits, revving its engine, without its lights on. From inside comes reggae music.
Mrs Coady appears with her two remaining dogs from the entrance to her block and turns away from the Ford. The Ford moves slowly off after her, and the reggae music is swtched off.
Mrs Coady walks a few paces and then prepares to cross the road. One of her dogs starts pulling her across the road. The Ford accelerates. But the second dog tangles its leach round a lamp post and hauls Mrs Coady back onto the pavement.
Close on Ken as rasta, horrified. He swings the wheel to avoid the dog in the road. He fails. It is flattened.
KEN Aaaah.....oh ffffff.......
the Ford, swerving, hits a council rubbish bin and crashes to a halt. Mrs Coady, realising what's happened, runs towards the Ford and belabours Ken as he emerges three-quarters stunned. He takes a terrible battering before he runs off.
Mrs Coady takes several pills.
91 INT. OTTO'S PAD. NIGHT.
A row is in progress. Otto is bckpedalling.
OTTO You said you loved him!
WANDA Yes, otto, that's correct. Now here's a multiple choise question foro you. Ok? a) Wanda was lying b) Wanda was telling the truth....Which are you going to chose, Otto?
OTTO ….You told me you weren't planning to see him.
WANDA Right. Because I knew you'd come along and funck it up. And sure enough you
came along and fucked it up, Otto. I was dealing with something delicate there,
Otto. Delicate as in “Don't give it to a brain-damaged gorilla”. I was setting up
a guy who's incredibly important to us, who'll tell me if they're going to arrest you,
and where the loot is....and you come lopin..?.in, like Rambo without a jockstrap
and you dangle him out of a fifth floor window. Was that smart Otto?
OTTO (calmly) Ok.....
WANDA Was that shrewd? Was it good tactics? Or was it stupid!!
OTTO Don't call me stupid.
WANDA You're right. I'm sorry. To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. I've
known dresses with a higher IQ. But you think you're interllectual don't you, ape?
OTTO Apes don't read philosophy.
WANDA Yes they do, Otto. They just don't understand it. Let me tell you a couple of things,
Otto. Aristotele was not Belgian. The central message of Buddhism is not “Every
Man For himself”.
OTTO You read....
WANDA And....the London Ubderground is not a political movement. Those are mistakes,
Otto, I looked them up.
Otto, for once, is deflated. Wanda sits on the arm of the chair.
WANDA Now......you have just humiliated the man who can keep you out of jail and make
you rich. What are you going to do?....What would an intellectual do? What would
OTTO (louder, defiantly) Apologise!!
WANDA Right. (She rises)
OTTO ...I'm sorry.
WANDA Not to me! You ape. To him. And make it good, or we're dead. Or at least, you are.
92 EXT. KENSINGTON PET CEMETERY. DAY
A tiny wreath lies on tiny grave. Above it a tiny headstone - “Lucky”. A pause. A tear falls on the wreath. And another. Ken is crying. A wide shot shows him on his own among the trees. Yearning
94A EXT. LOCK BRIDGE. DAY.
The yearning music continues over distant figures of Wanda and Archie. Archie is behaving emotionally, making points insistently. He pauses. Wanda throws herself at him and after a
moment he embraces her passionately.
C/U of the lovers.
WANDA You're wonderful
ARCHIE …..You're wonderful.
WANDA It'lll never happen again, I promise. He understands now. He feels terrible.
WANDA Please just speak to him, you'll see. He's so sorry.
95 INT. OTTO'S PAD. DAY.
Close on Otto, so we're not sure where he is.
OTTO ...I don't know got into me. You know me Italians are – impulsive, spontaneous
….you've seen the Godfather, well....you called me stupid and I just...wanted to
kill you, like this and this and this......
Otto delivers Karate blows, but we realize he is on his own, rehearsing.
96 EXT. TACKY BACK STREET. DAY.
Ken peeps out of doorway. Satisfied the coast is clear, he hurries out carrying a rifle-shaped package, looking around furtively, and dumps it in the boot of his battered van.
98 INT. LARGE STORE. DAY.
There are plenty of shoppers about. Archie is at a pay phone, carrying three champagne bottles and a gift-wrapped package. He is wearing a raincoat over spronsier outfit, and gloves. He's laughing happily.
ARCHIE Wonderful. See you at five then. Neither can I. I love....No, I won't forget it. I'm
going to get it now. I'm going to steal it. I'll explain everything later. What? No, I
won't forget it. I'm going to get it now. I'm going to steal it. I'll explain everything
later. What? No, no, he hasn't contacted me yet, but....
98A EXT. LONDON STREET. DAY.
ARCHIE ….it doesn't matter. See you at five. I love you. (fX phone down).
Close on Otto emerging from bank. He crosses a name off a list and walks off, muttering to himself.
OTTO I'm very....very....s....i want to apolofize because I really am very....very....very
….funck you! Funck you you expect me to apologixe to you, you slimy Limey bast
Passers-by are staring at Otto. He glances at them and double-takes.
OTTO Yes?...Yes?? You English. Look at you. You stand therer a forest of Redwood trees
upnyour big pink hairless butts, looking so shocked and superior- what the matter?
Haven't you ever seen anybody before who was actualy alive, you miribund dorks?
Upper Class Woman bristles.
UPPER CLASS WOMAN Don't you speak to me like that.
OTTO You ungly old witch. I'm going to throw you out.
He picks her up and stuffs her head first into a trsash can.
OTTO Who's next?! Form a line here....come on....
he points. The others didperse rapidly, including two big men. Otto calls after them.
OTTO Sorry! Do forgive me. Don't know that came over me. So sorry.
A small crowd of children applkaud.
99 INT. OTTO'S PAD. DAY.
The door opens and Otto enters, still talking to himself. He go to a vase and puts several cats tails in it from his pocket.
OTTO So I' d just like to say......I really do apologise, and well, what else can Isay,
He turns to one of the cut-out figures. It is now that of Archie. Three shots hit the Archie figure between the eyes.
Wanda has been warching from the bathroom door.
Otto throws himself scross the room and rolls, covering Wanda in an instant. Wanda ignores this.
WANDA (deliberately) The trial is tomorrow.
100 INT. OTTO'S CAR. DAY.
Otto is pulling up near Archie's driveway, rehearsing.
OTTO ...Really am, really, rreally sorry and it was very, very wrong of me to....to dangle
you out of the windo.
The corner of his mouth fliuckers. And straightens. He gets out of the car.
101 EXT. ROAD NEAR ARCHIE'S HOUSE. DAY.
Otto approaches the house, muttering. He notes the absence of cars from drive, and looks at his watch. He pulls his gun and starts looking for cats, when he hears a distant breaking of glass. He is curious.
102 INT. GROUND FLOOR, ARCHIE'S HOUSE. DAY.
Archie's black-gloved hand is opening the back door from the outside, through a broken pane. He enters, and hurries along corridor and upstairs.
103 INT. WENDY'S DRESSING-ROOM, ARCHIE'S HOUSE. DAY.
Archie enters and opens Wendy's jewellery drawer. He takes the locket and a few other pieces, puts them into a bag, scatters she drawers, and runs downstairs.
104 INT. GROUND FLOOR, ARCHIE'S HOUSE. DAY.
Otto comes through the back door, sees a movement - no more – at the end of the corridor, creeps into the hall and glimpses a Archie keeling at a chest of drawers in the living room, rummaging. Archie rises. Otto disappears. Archie goes out into the hall, and almost immediately comes spinning back in, with a raincoat over his head and his arms pinned to his sides, followed by Otto. Archie falls over a small table, and Otto, in a trice, trie his hands behind his back.
OTTO So......try to rob Mr Leach would you? Well, I'm going to teach you lesson. He just
happens to be a very good friend of mine.....
He stamds and reaches a large copper warming pan down off the wall, as Archie, making muffled noises, tries to stand up.
OTTO ….ans he's going to be very pleased with me, when he finds you.....
ARCHIE (muffled) No! Otto!
OTTO ...trussed up here all ready for the police.
Otto brings the pan down on Archie's head with an awful bong.
OTTO And don't call me Otto. TO YOU i'M mR.....
He stops. Archie slumps unconscius. Otto has disturbing thoughts. He drops to the floor and pulls the raincoat off Archie's head. He stares. And panic.
OTTO …..Aaaaagh!! Oh my God!! (Dropping to his Knees) Oh I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, oh my
God I'm sorry. I apologise! I didn't know it was you! I'm sorry! (He tries to bring
Archie round) Please!! How could I know it was you? How can you expect me to
guess, you stupid bastard!! (Rising)
What the fuck are you doing robbing your own house!? You asshole!
He starts kicking Archie.
OTTO You fuckwit! You moron! You stupid, stiff, pompous English....
He stops, horrified.
OTTO Oh I'm sorry, I'm sorry....let me think
He ponders deeply and runs for it.
105 INT. HOUSE OPPOSITE MRS COADY'S BLOCK. DAY.
Ken in an empty room, holds the rifle. It is beautiful. Slow he squeezes the trigger.
106 EXT. ARCHIE'S HOUSE. DAY.
Bang! Wendy slams the door of her car in the drive.
107 INT. LIVING ROOM. DAY.
Archie stirs and opens his eyes. He suddenly comes to, and discovers his hands are tied. Then he hears Wendy coming trhrough the front door and reacts with horror. But Wendy goes upstairs. Archie sees the bag. He stares. From upstairs comes a scream. And another. Archie picks the bag up with his teeth and scatters the contents. Wendy is running down the stairs. Archie sees the locket an somehow gets it and the chain in his mouth and slumps, feigning unconsciousness, just as Wendy bursts in. She sees him and screams and runs to him. Archie feigns waking up, making moanir noises. Wendy kneels by him.
WENDY Darling, are you all right? Oh Archie.....
WENDY Are you hurt?
Archie shakes his head, moaning.
WENDY Speak to me....
Archie groans sympathetically and indicates his tied hands.
WENDY Can't you speack Archie! What has happened?
Archie, hands free, stages a coughing, fit and gets the locket into his hand and then his pocket.
WENDY Archie, we've been burgled.
ARCHIE Oh no!
WENDY Are you all right?
ARCHIE Yes, I'm fine. Bit of a headache. Ha! Icame in he..?.. someone must have hit me, I
felt, a blow, a Kind of blackness.
He's rubbing his wrists. Suddenly he sees his watch, starts and stares at it. Waendy looks at him.
ARCHIE Oh my God! Is that the time?!
ARCHIE I didn't realise it was so late.
He gets up. Wendy stares at him in astonishment.
AECHIE I'm late for a conference.
WENDY ….A conference!! You're yust been attacked....!
ARCHIE It's nothing, really. Look I, I must run....
WENDY But Archie....
ARCHIE I'll help you tydy up when I get back. Sorry.
Archie hurries out. Portia wanders in casually.
PORTIA What's happened?
WENDY Oh go to hell...
The front door slam. Wendy reviews her sense data.
108 EXT. ROAD OUTSIDE ARCHIE'S HOUSE. DAY.
Further down the road, Archie's car roars off. In the distance curioously worried Otto is watching from behind some greenery.
109 INT. FLAT OPPOSITE MRS COADY'S BLOCK. DAY.
Ken has his ritle set up, with telescopic sights, pointing out the window.
110 INT. ARCHIE'S FRIEND'S FLAT. DAY.
Archie bursts in, breathless. He looks at a clock, wich shows 5.03 p.m. He hurries to the kitchen. The appearance of flat has altered a little, but due to Archie's haste, and the …?.. of lingering shots, only the sharpest members of the cinema audience notice anything. Archie shoves the champagne into the freezing compartment of the fridge, and puts some music on. As the music swells, he checks his appearance.
111 INT. CORRIDOR, CHESTER SQUARE. DAY.
Outside the door, Wanda prepares to ring. But this time she do?so. Differently – quite demurely, by her standards. Then she reaches for the bell.
112 INT. ARCHIE'S FRIEND'S FLAT. DAY.
Archie opens the door. Wanda steps in.
Archie gives her a big Kiss. She likes it.
ARCHIE How do you do.
He gives her another kiss. Half-way through, Wanda stiffens. They part slowly. Half the locket protrudes from Wanda's mouth. She takes it out, looks at it, looks at Archie and smiles.
WANDA Thamk you. That's....
Archie makes for the Kitchen. Wanda quickly opens the locket, sees the key, reacts with delight, puts it back and puts the locket on. Archie appears with two glasses. He gives her one. Wanda drinks.
ARCHIE It's not very cold I'm afraid. Ha! I went back to.
WANDA Let's make love.
Archie looks at her. She put her glass down.
ARCHIE ….If you insist.
He takes her hand and takes a step towards the bedroom.
She points to the thick white rug.
WANDA Take your clothes off.
She disappears into the bedroom.
ARCHIE Why no, indeed.
He starts to undress, and calls to Wanda.
ARCHIE Let's go to South America.
Wanda's face appears at the door.
ARCHIE Let's fly to South America.
WANDA Why South America?
ARCHIE Ok. Iceland.
Wanda, more or less ressured, disappears. Archie takes his shirt off.
ARCHIE What do you really want out of live.
WANDA(oov) I don't know....
ARCHIE Why do I like you so much?
Wanda thinks. Then smiles.
WANDA Do you speack Italian?
ARCHIE I am Italian. Sono italiano in spirito ma ho sposato una donna che preferisce
laborare nel giardino a far l'amore passionata. Uno sbaglio grande.
Archie's accent is better than Otto's. Wanda breathes in sharp. Archie is in his underpants. He checks his appearance in the mirror and pulls his stomach in.
ARCHIE But it's such an ungly language. Haw about.....Russian?
He unleashes a flow of superb Russian. Wanda inhales sharply, leans against the wall and strrrruggles to remain conscious, as a drop of saliva creeps downwards from the corner of the mouth.
Archie cavorts round the room, maintaining the flow of luscious Russke chat. Wanda, hardly undresses at all, appears at the door, and watches. Archie sees her and stops.
WANDA Do you have money?
ARCHIE Not really, no.
WANDA What about the house?
ARCHIE That's Wendy's. She's the rich one. Why?
WANDA ….Never mind.
She disappears. Archie starts up the Russian again, removes his underpants, flicks them up with his foot and tosses them away, a cavorts. The door of the flat opens and in walk the Johnstone family. A couple in their forties, three children, 13, 11 and 6, and a nanny and a small child. They are all through the door before they see Archie and Wanda. They now all stare at each other for a very long time. The parents are so astonished they do litt to restrain their children's natural curiosity. Eventually the small child starts to cry.
MR JOHNSTORE What the hell are you doing???
Archie conceals his private parts with a photograph of Mrs Johnstone, smiling.
ARCHIE I might ask you the same question.
MR JOHNSTONE Who are you???
MR JOHNSTORE Get your clothes on.
ARCHIE Would you leave immediately please.
MR JOHNSTORE What??!!!
ARCHIE You're in the wrong flat. This belongs to George Sherlock, he's in Hong Kong,
he grave me the Key. Now get out.
MR JOHNSTORE …..We lessed it from the agents last week-end.
ARCHIE ….....Well, that obviously changes things a bit. er....
Wanda appears from the bedroom, immaculate. The Johnstones jump.
WANDA Well, I must be going. Third time lucky eh, Archie. (To Archie) Thanks for
She goes out through the door as the Johnstones shrink back.
WANDA Call me.
ARCHIE My live.
MR JOHNSTONE(oov) Aren't you Archie Leach?
113 INT. HOUSE OPPOSITE MRS COADY'S BLOCK OF FLATS. DAY.
Ken is in position behind a telescopically sighted rifle, on a stool.
There is a movement below. Ken peers. Mrs Coady is eneging slowly. Ken's eje goes to the telescopic sighted rifle in position.
We see the telescope's POV. The cross wires are focussed on some apparatus on the scaffolding.
Mrs Coady moves out of the door towwards the pavement leading her hanging from the scaffolding right above her.
Ken watches her for a moment, and then returns to the sight.
His non-telescope eye flickers between the stone ball to Mrs Coady. She moves to the edge of the step. Ken fires. The bull hits a pulley. A pause. The rope through the pulley suddenly. Starts to feed through and the block descends. Mrs Coady checks for rain, as she always does. Hearing a thunderous roaring sound she steps back on to the steps, pulling the dog back with her, to put her brolly up.
The stone block plummets on to the dog behind her. Ken screams. Mrs Coady gets the umbrella up and walks off. The leash tighter she returns for her dog. But the leassh terminates in a concrete block, from which a stain emerges. She continues to look around for her dog.
Ken screams again. And topples off the stool.
Mrs Coady begind to realise what's happened. She shrieks. Ken shrieks. Shw clasps her hand to her heart. Ken rolls around making agonized noises. Mrs Coady totters and falls to the pavement, twitches and is still.
115 EXT. MRS COADY'S BLOCK OF FLATS. DAY.
Ken comes out onto the pavement, emittting groaning noises. He runs towards the block of stone and then notices a cluster of people near it. He approaches, peers through the cluster and stares at the body of Mrs Coady. A policeman pulls a covering over her head.. gradually Ken undeerstands. A smile spreads across his face..
115A INT. GEORGE'S FLAT. NIGHT.
C/C Wanda smiling. She sits in her bath, well covered with foard lisstening intently to the telephone at her ear.
WANDA Yeah....Ok, Ken, you do that.. Great! GOODBYE kEN.
She puts the phone down and thinks.
WANDA ….And godbye to you too, Otto.
115B EXT. ARCHIE'S HOUSE. NIGHT.
Otto sits desponddently, waiting for Archie. He looks at his watch. He has a good collection of tails.
116 EXT. TOWPATH BY KIPLING MANSIONS. TWILIGHT.
Archie stands, staringat the water. Sad music. He lloks up at the window of Wanda's apartment. He suffers gallantly, sighs, takes a step towards the building, checkes, thinks, and goes to the car nd gets in. Sadder music swells over the pretty scene.
116A INT. ARCHIE'S CAR. TWILIGHT.
Archie, holding the car phone to his ear, is dialling. He takes deep breath. The phone rings twice and is picked up. He looks at the window.
ARCHIE Wanda, it's Archie. Listen – i've got to finish it. I'm sorry. I can't talk now. There's
a cafe called Moll's in Fatter Lane just behind the Law Courts. See me there after
the trial tomorrow. I'm sorry darling but it's not fair on anyone, especially you. I love you Wanda.
He puts the phone down and behaves sentimentally.
116B INT. BOARDING HOUSE. NIGHT.
An elderly Armenian with a large hearing-aid has his ear to the receiver.
GUWDJIEFF Who o you want to speak to...? Hallo? Who is this?
117A INT. ARCHIE'S CAR. NIGHT.
Archie driving to sad music. A tear runs down his cheeks as he turns the wheel.
PAGE 95 DELETE Continued Pag 96
She wanders off, distracted.
ARCHIE This is the hardest decision of my life, Wanda. I've...never felt like this about
anyone, it my be my last chance of...joy. But it's not fair. Not fair on anyone.
Least of all on you. Do you see?
WANDA Sorry, what?
ARCHIE I can hardly take it in either. I'm ending our relationship Wanda. I'm not going to
see you again.
Wanda stares at him, uncomprehending.
WANDA Oh! Ok. Fine. I mean...er....
ARCHIE I'm sorry.
WANDA (deciding to act regretful) Married man, you Know...(She exhales) Whew! Life is
tough sometimes. Wow!
WANDA It's Ok, I can take it. I'm a survivor. (She takes Archie by the shoulders) Look, don't
ARCHIE You're the only girl I've ever really loved, Wanda.
WANDA Can I ask you something Archie.
WANDA The old lady's had a heart attack. She's dead. George'll get off won't he?
ARCHIE ...Yes. Will you go back to him?
118 EXT. ARCHIE'S HOUSE. NIGHT.
Archie's car turns into the driveway and stops. Otto approaches it cautiously. Archie sits inside for a time. Otto pauses. Then Archie gets out brushing his cheeks, turns as he hears a noise, ad sees Otto.
ARCHIE No!, no! Please! Please!
Archie throws up his arms and backs away.
OTTO I want to speak with you.
ARCHIE No! No! I've just finished it! Please!
Archie runs away. Otto gives chase, calling after Archie, as they run round the grounds. We hear them faintly.....
ARCHIE Please! No. No! Don't beat me up again!
OTTO Wait! Wait....I want to apologise...Awant to say sorry....wait...I came here to
apologise for.....you stupid...!
ARCHIE No! No! Please...I've endend it. I swear it.
Archie stumbles and falls near the corner of the house. Otto catches him up. Archie cowers as Otto looms over him.
ARCHIE Bo, please. It's all over between us.
OTTO It's all right.
ARCHIE Really! I swear it!
OTTO Look, it's all right!
ARCHIE Please! Please, believe me. I've ended it.
OTTO Will you calm down.
ARCHIE I'm not going to see her any more. Don't beat me up again, please!
ARCHIE I've had a terrible day. Please!
OTTO (loudly) Shut up!!
119 INT. BEDROOM. ARCHIE'S HOUSE. NIGHT.
Wendy puts her bedside light on. She can hear voices faintly. She gets out of bed, goes to the window and peers out. She can't see anything.
120 EXT. ARCHIE'S HOUSE. NIGHT.
Archie is terrified.
ARCHIE Oh Jesus Christ don't kill me please.
Otto is pointing the gun at him.
OTTO Shut up then.
Archie shuts up, but still whispers a little.
OTTO Ok. Look. I want to apologise...sincerely...for....
121 INT. UPER FLOOR. AERCHIE HOUSE. NIGHT.
Wendy creeps along the corridor and enters another room, where thw voice sem louder.
122 EXT. ARCHIE'S HOUSE. NIGHT.
OTTO And when I dangled you out of the window, well, I'm s....it was not a nice thing to do.
Wend's head appears and she sees the two figures. Otto is putting the gun awy.
OTTO And then when I attacked you in there. Well, I'm really, really...but how could I
know you were burgling your own House?
Wendy's head stiffens.
OTTO(oov) I was just trying to help.
ARCHIE(oov) Yes, thanks.
OTTO I wanted you to trust me.
ARCHIE Please. It was my fault.
OTTO That's true. Now, about my sister.
ARCHIE I've just fin...
OTTO She's a very sexy girl, I don't blame you for wanting to play around with her.
ARCHIE No, but....
OTTO Look, I'm sorry I was jealous, just go ahead and pork away pal, it's fine by me.
OTTO Have fun. I just want to help you....
Otto moves off. Wendy's head disappears. Archie sits dedeated. The heart-rending music builds.
123 EXT. JAIL. DAWN.
The sun rises over the jail.
124 INT. JAIL. DAY.
George is in mid-ecstatic-leap. He capers about a bit, watched by startled Warders and a grinning Ken.
He tales a moment to calm, then sits again.
GEORGE (quietly) You done well my son. Now ...here's the plan. Get four tickets for this evening. Rio, first class....
GEORGE Yes four. We'll lose him later. Then...back to the flat, pack, collect me, then to the
Cathcart Towers Hotel to pick up the jewels.
125 INT. DINING ROOM. AECHIE'S HOUSE. DAY.
Archie stands at the telephone, jaw agape.
ARCHIE When did this happen? Yes...well...
Wendy appears at the door, very composed and smartly dressed.
WENDY ...What case are you on today Archie?
ARCHIE ...the jewel robbery, dear.
WENDY Jewel robbbery? What a coincidence....
Archie doesn't understand.
WENDY Well, goodbye.
ARCHIE (looking at his watch) Are you off?
WENDY I am as it happens. See you later, duckie.
She leaves the room. Archie is bemused.
126 INT. GEORGE'S FLAT. DAY.
Wanda, in a coat, is hugging Ken delightedly, despite his scruffiness, and dancing a rumba, wile miming maracas.
WANDA It's so grat! It's wonderful darling! Wonderful!
KEN He's sssssafe...
WANDA Yes. Oh! What incredible luck!
She gives him an extra hug and kiss, and looks at her watch.
WANDA I gotta go....see you at the court.
She picks up her bag. The phone goes. Ken goes to answer it.
KEN Ggggggoood luck. (To phone) Hallo?...Oh hallo otto....
Wanda indicates dhe's not there, and leaves.
127 INT. GEORGE'S FLAT. DAY.
Otto is standing at the door.
Ken smiles smugly, and returns to his packing.
KEN You owe me a pppound.
OTTO (unwillingly)...Not Granny.
KEN Mmmmmet with an accident.
OTTO Bullshit. You fucking liar.
He grabs Ken who coolly puts his hand out for the money.
KEN Heart attack.....
Ken sings to himself.
OTTO I don't believe this.
KEN So George'll bbbe out this afternoon, off we go to Heathrow, ppppick up the loot
and...(He mines a plane flying off with appropriate noises.) All thanks to mmme.
OTTO So the diamonds are at the airport, are they Ken.
Ken's face falls.
128 INT. COURTROOM. DAY.
A fgull, formal court is in session, well attented by the general public. Archie and Percival sit on the benches. George is standing in the dock, with two warders. The Clerk of the court in full flow.
CLERK ….on the 4th day March 1986, you did enter the premises of Nicholas Walt
Jewellers of Hatton Garden and there commit robbery and at the time of the said
entry had with a firearm contrary to Section 8 of the Theft Act 1968. How do you plead?
GEORGE Not guilty, m'lord.
He sits. The Prosecuting Consuel, Mr Percival, rises and addresses the Judge.
PERCIVAL May it please your lorddship...Members of the jury, I appear on behalf of the
Prosecution and my learned friend (he indicates Archie) appears on behalf of the
Archie half rises and sits.
PERCIVAL And the Prosecution will endeavour to prove to you so that you sre sure and
satisfied that the defendant antered the promises in Hatton Garden, with two
others, threatened the ower and staff with a sawn off shot gun....
In the gallery above, Wendy is watching this.
129 INT. LOBBY. OLD BAILEY. DAY.
Wanda is peering through the glass-pannelled door into the court. An Usher moves her awey. Puzzled, she looks at her watch.
130 INT. GEORGE'S FLAT. DAQY.
OTTO Hallo Kkkken.
KEN What's happening?
OTTO Well, Ken. I'm going to ask you some questions......
Ken looks apprehansive.
OTTO ….While I eat my chips. First, who was the philosopher who developed the concept
of the Superman in Thus Spoke Zarathustra?
Ken looks suitably dumbstruck.
Otto eats a chip, takes another and inserts it in Ken's nostril.
OTTO That's a chip up the nose I'm afraid. Friedrich Nietzche. Next. In which book did
Nietzsche clain that almost all higher culture is based on cruelty?.
Ken is open mouthed.
OTTO Are you thinking, or are you in mid-stutter?
KEN You're mmm...mad.
Ken gets a chip up the other nostril, with some kerchup on it.
OTTO “Beyond Good and Evil”. What do they teach in English schools? Next. Nietzsche
said “God's second blunder was creating animals.” What was his first?.....Oh dear!
We've run out of nostrils haven't we? Creating women. Oh well, I'll have to ask you
an easy one. Er...yes! Where are the diamonds?
Ken gets the point.
OTTO Here's a clue. It's near the airport.
KEN I'm nnnn...nnn
OTTO No hassle, there's plenty of time. I'll just sit here and eat my chips till you tell me.
Otto eats one. Ken almost relaxes.
OTTO The English contribution to world cuisine. The chip.
Otto eats another.
OTTO Very boring. What do the English usually eat with chips to make
them more interesting Ken? Sparrows, is it? Badgers? Polecats?
Otto's eyes slowly come round to the fish tank.
OTTO Wait a moment! It's fish, isn't it?
Otto picks up a little net by the tank and starts fishing. Ken stares with a Room 101 expression on his face. Otto catches a fish, lifts it out of the water and niffs it appraisingly.
OTTO Down the hatch.
He swallows the fish. And smacks his lips.
OTTO Delicious. Take your time Ken.
Otto returns to fiishing.
OTTO Better eat the green one? Ok.
Otto gets a green one and shows it to Ken.
OTTO What's this one's name? Not Wanda anyway.
OTTO I'm going to call her lunch. Hallo lunch!
Otto eats the green one. He makes a sour face.
OTTO Yuck. Avoid the green ones, they're not ripe yet. The chocolate one looks good...
Otto chases it. Ken is almost fainting.
OTTO You haven't forgotten the question have you Ken? (to fish) Wanna see a stomach?
Otto shows it to Ken.
Otto eats it with a chip.
OTTO This is fun. I think I'm going to open a resturant where you can do this.
131 INT. COURTROOM. DAY.
Archie is cross-questioning Inspector Marvin, who arrested George.
ARCHIE You were in cort were you not, Inspector, when the forensic evidence was read?
INSPECTOR ….Yes sir.
ARCHIE The fact that Mr Thomas was installing windows the previous weekend, Inspector,
would account satisfactorily for the presence of small particles of glass on his
trousers, would it not?
The Inspector can't think of anything to say.
ARCHIE No rush, Inspector...take your time....
132 INT. GEORGE'S FLAT. DAY.
Otto glances at his watch grimly and belches loudly. Tears roll down Ken's face. Otto peers into the tank.
OTTO Only two left. Er....I think I'll have the lemon one.
With a flourish, Otto scoops up a yellow one, tosses it in the air and catches it in his mouth.
OTTO I'm almost full. (He looks at Wanda the fish) Almost.
Otto is interested.
KEN Pppppplease ddddon't eat wwww.....
OTTO Where's it Ken?
Otto goes back to the tank.
OTTO Come on Wanda. Gullet time.
He catches her, and shows her, in the net, to Ken.
OTTO Fishes. They're the ones that can't breathe out of water aren't they?
OTTO Pop her in my mouth? Okey-dokey. (Pause) What are those hotels by the airport?
Otto pops Wanda in his mouth. Wanda's tail protrudes between his lips.
OTTO The Post House? The Airway Sheraton? The Cathcart Towers?
Ken's face flickers.
OTTO The Cathcart Towers! Hmmmmm? Hmmm?''
KEN (after a terrible struggle) Yes!
OTTO In a safe deposit?
OTTO (indistinctly) Who has the key?
OTTO (clearer) Where's the key?
Wanda struggles inside Otto's mouth, moving his cheeks. Ken agonises. Then.
KEN In the ttttank.
Otto flies to the tank.
KEN In the tttt...
OTTO ….Treasure chest!!!
Otto pulls the treasure chest out, and opens it with a flourish. And stares. He shows it to Ken. Ken is astounded.
Ken, hopelessly, shrugs. Otto swallows. Ken screams.
KEN Aaaaagh. You.....I'll kkkk.....
OTTO Sorry Ken, but your answer was incorrect.
Otto twists a piece of cloth around Ken's head, covering his mouth. Ken continues to make muffled noise.
OTTO Still.....you really thought the key was there didn't you.ppppal. So.....
He ponders, and glances at his watch. Strange sounds are coming from Ken who is going purple.
He removes the chips allowing Ken to continue breathing. He glances at the chips.
Squeamishly, he tosses them into the tank. Then.
OTTO I know who'll have that key.
133 INT. LOBBY. OLD BAILEY. DAY.
Wanda, flanked by a Court Usher, holds a tele phone.
134 INT. GEORGE'S FLAT. DAY
Otto is holding the receiver. Ken, demented, his in the background.
OTTO I know where the loot is....
135 INT. LOBBY, OLD BAILEY. DAY.
OTTO ….Where's the Key?
WANDA I have it.
OTTO(oov) How soon can you get toGeorge's flat.
The same Usher appears. Wanda covers the mouthpiece.
USHER Miss Gershwitz?
USHER I'm sorry. You're wanted in court.
WANDA (to phone) Soon....what? Of course.
She puts the receiver down and hurries off with the Uscher.
136 INT. COURTROOM. DAY.
In the courtroom, Percival is looking resigned, Archie impassive, and George downright smug. Wendy sits forward to watch as Wanda anters the witness box. Archie gives a furtive moonstruck look at Wanda who takes a bible from an Usher and reads from a card, fingering her locket as she does.
WANDA I swear by almighty God that the evidence I shall give shall be the truth, and nothing but the truth.
Wendy has been the locket. She is less than gruntled. Archie rises. He is being professionally casual.
ARCHIE You are Wanda Gershwitz of Kipling Mansions, Murray Road, London ww.9.?
WANDA Yes, I am.
ARCHIE Do you know a Mr George Thomason?
ARCHIE Do you see that person in the court today?
WANDA Yes, he's over there.
ARCHIE How o you know the defendan?
WANDA We've a relationship for two years.
WANDA We're lovers, my lord.
ARCHIE Now, Miss Gershwitz, on the 4th of May of this year...in the morning, where were
WANDA I was at George's apartment at Little Venice.
ARCHIE Were you by yourself or was anybody else present?
WANDA I was with another person.
ARCHIE And who was that?
WANDA My brother.
ARCHIE And did....(He does a take) Your brother?
George looks startled.
ARCHIE ...Are you sure it was your brother?
JUDGE Mr Leach, I'm sure Miss Gershwitz can recognise her brother. She's had a relationship with him all her life.
ARCHIE Well......was anyone else present that morning?
WANDA Well George was there.
ARCHIE Thank you....
George relaxes, still puzzled.
WANDA But he left about five to seven.
The Judge turns sharply to Archie. Wendy sits up, eyes flashing. Archie realizes his mistake.
ARCHIE I wanda...I wonder...
Archie looks around the courtroom, wondering. He sees Wendy. And goes totally blank. A long pause. George is ominously still.
JUDGE ...Yes Mr Lesch?
Archie tries to recover.
ARCHIE I wendy, I wanda, Iwonder...when you say five to seven Miss Gerschwitz....how
could you be so sure?
WANDA I looked at the clock, I thought “where can he be going now with that sawn off
Archie realizes and stares up at Wendy, who rises and starts leaving. The Judge is astonished.
JUDGE “Darling”, Mr Leach?
Archie is still staring after Wendy.
JUDGE Mr Leach! “Darling”?
ARCHIE Yes dear?
George suddenly moves. He vaults over the front of the dock and hurtles towards Wand.
GEORGE You bitch! You lousy fucking bitch.
He is intercepted by a Solicitor or two who have been sitting at the central table; and by a Court Usher who has beeb standing by the jury.
JUDGE Restrain that man!
But George breaks free, gets to the witness box and grabs Wanda who screams. Archie graps George from behind, wrestling him away from Wanda. George hits Archie who reels back and lands. He lies quietly in the well of the court, thinking about things. The activities around him take on a dream-like quality. People pile on top of George. Wanda plays shocked and innocent. The Judge restores order.
JUDGE Clear the court. I'm adjourning this matter for an hour. Take the prisoner below.
The Judge leaves by his private door behind his chair. The melee continues.
POLICE OFFICER Clear the court! Clear the court!
Everyone starts to leave, including alll the Solicitors at the central table, the Jury (via their own door), the Usher and the police who hustle George back to the dock and down the stairs beside it.
Wanda is ushered out by an Usher and a policeman. She is passed by Wendy coming the other day. As a Policeman tries to stop Wendy she calls.
WENDY My husband. He's been hit.
She approaches Archie who is rising unsteadily to hos feet. He sees Ewndy.
ARCHIE Ah. You made it.
Wendy checkes. She can't believe this. Archie indicates his eye.
ARCHIE Bit of a knock I'm afraid.
Wendy slaps hin right on the same spot. He staggers, and falls.
WENDY I enjoyed that. Well, Archie, I know what's been going on. And that's it. See you in
She storms off.
ARCHIE Very fair. Yes, I agree. That's it.
An Usher appears suddenly behind him.
USHER The judge wants to see you and Mr Percival in his room in ten minutes.
ARCHIE Tell him an hour...
ARCHIE (emotionally) This is a fracture. I've got to get treatment.
He suddenly strides off towards the exit. The Usher goes in the other direction. But instead of leaving the court, Archie stops at the top the steps leading down to the calls. He sees Wanda.
137 INT. FOYER. OLD BAILEY. DAY.
A Policeman and an Usher are restraining Wanda by the entrance to court.
WANDA Why can't I go?
COPPER You're still under oath. The court is being reconvened and.....
Archie disappears. Wanda fakes a miny-breakdown.
COPPER Are you all right?
WANDA Poor George...I couldn't tell a lie you see.
She gasps for air and acts ill.
138 INT. CELL. OLD BAILEY. DAY.
George is sitting looking pretty disappointed. The Two Waeders are with him. Archie walks in. George ignores him.
ARCHIE We've got to talk....
GEORGE ...Tell those pigs to fuck off.
ARCHIE Fuck off pigs.
This causes real surprise among our bluebottle friends, who stare open mouthed. Even George is half thrown.
ARCHIE Did you hear what I said?
The Policemen go.
ARCHIE What's she up to
GEORGE What are you up to? You called her Wanda. And darling.
ARCHIE I've been helping her get her evidence straight you berk. It slipped out.
GEORGE ...You've been coaching her?
ARCHIE Of course! Look, we've got ten minutes. They're going to find you guilty
If you plead guilty now and say where the loot is, you may get away with eight
years, out in five and a half.....
GEORGE Supposing I turn in Otto. An Wanda.
ARCHIE They did it with you?
ARCHIE Better still. Great. Maybe six, out in four. So where's the loot?
GEORGE Where's a Bartlett'
ARCHIE He's upstairs trying to calm things down. Where is it?
GEORGE Tell Bartlett Ken'll show him where it is.
ARCHIE George, it'll be a lot quicker if you tell me.
George remaind silent.
ARCHIE Ok. I'll tell Bartlett. Where's Ken?
GEORGE At my flat.
139 INT. STAIRS BETWEEN DOCK AND CELL. DAY.
Archie flying uo them. He reaches the top, emerging by the dock and looks out into the foyer. He sees a distraught Wanda with the Policemen and the Husher by the washrooms. Wanda disappears into the Ladies. Archie walks out into the foyer.
140 INT. FOYER. OLD BAILEY. DAY.
Archie strides through the foyer into the street.
141 EXT. OLD BAILEY... DAY.
Archie hurries along the side of the Old Bailey, turns a corner and sees Wanda coming through a window some way away. She hurries across the road and tries to hail a cab. The cab does not stop and Wanda goes in search of another. Archie hurries across the road, takes her by the arm and hurries her away fron the Old Bailey.
ARCHIE Come on.
WANDA (recovering) What are....where are you taking me?
ARCHIE Buenos Aries....
Archie hurries with Wanda trotting beside him, along the relatively crowded pavement.
ARCHIE But we're going to George's flat first.
They get in. Archie checkes his briefcase for his passport. It's there.
ARCHIE Ok. Keep your head down.
He drives off, in the direction the car faces, back towards the Old Bailey. The young man shouts wimpily after them.
142 EXT. OLD BAILEY. DAY.
Archie ducks down as the car passes the Old Bailey. Various Court Officials and Policemen are buzzing about.
143 INT. CAR... DAY.
ARCHIE Sorry I ended our relationship.
Wanda tries to recollect this.
ARCHIE But it's back on.
ARCHIE Now. Why did you blow the alibi?
WANDA I was telling the truth.
ARCHIE I know. Why break a lifetime habit, Wanda?
144 EXT. LONDON STREETS. DAY.
Archie's car takes a corner pretty fast.
145 INT. ARCHIE'S CAR. DAY.
ARCHIE ….Would you like me to repeat the question, Miss Gerschwitz?
WANDA I wanted to be with you, Archie.
WANDA ….I love you Archie.
ARCHIE Oh, balls!
146A EXT. SUBURBAN STREET. DAY.
Archie's car drives by, fast.
147 INT. CAR. DAY.
ARCHIE Otto....knows where it is.
WANDA He must have found out from Ken.
ARCHIE Ok. We've got to move quick Wanda.
WANDA Yes, but Archie....
She suddenly recognizes where they are.
148 EXT. GEORGE'S BLOCK. DAY
Archie's car screams up to the curb.
148B INT. ARCHIE'S CAR. DAY
But Archie kisses her hard and leaps out of the car
ARCHIE Keep it running
He sprints into Kipling Mansions. Wanda calls after him.
WANDA No, Archie!...Archie.....
She starts climbing across the driver's seat after him, but Otto appears from nowhere, wearing a cat's tails hat.
OTTO Hi!....I thought he'd finished it.
152 INT. GEORGE'S FLAT. DAY.
Archie files in and is astnished by the sight of Ken.
Ken's reply is muffled. Archie sees the gag and gets it off.
ARCHIE Are you Ken?
Ken nods. But car crash outside makes Archie run to the window, distractedly.
152A EXT. GEORGE'S BLOCK. DAY.
Archie's Pov: Otto, in pulling out, has caused an accident. The other driver has got out of his car and is advancing on otto, remonstrating. Otto rolls the window down, and fires a shot, knpcking the driver's hat off. The driver runs for his life. Otto waves up at Archie and drives off, with Wanda staring back through the rear window.
152B INT. GEORGE'S FLAT. DAY.
Archie struggles with his amazement and turns to Ken.
ARCHIE Where have they gone?!
ARCHIE What's the matter'
ARCHIE Are you ill?
ARCHIE Have you got a stutter?
KEN (nodding) A bbbbbbbbbbi....bi.....
ARCHIE (calmly) Ok. Don't worry. Where have they gone?
Archie unties Ken's a wrists and ankles as he stutters.
ARCHIE Take your time....yes...yes....
Ken's attempt to say “Cathcart Towers” is a record breKING STUTTER.
ARCHIE Oh come on! Sorry! Sorry. Slowly. Slowly.
ARCHIE Sing it.
KEN (higher pitch) Ccccccc.....
Archie checks his pockets. Nothing. He sees a ballpoint pen on the desk and runs to get it.
ARCHIE Here! Write it!
Ken takes it, Archie finds a magazine. Ken starts writing but the pen won't ork. Archie shakes it. Ken grabs it back. Archie runs back to the desk but Ken has found a pencil. He starts to write, very unsteadidly. Archie waits. Ken pauses. Archie grabs the magazine and reads what Ken has written on it.
ARCHIE She's....gone...to..... the....c....
Archie slams it back down. Ken resumes writing. The lead breaks. A moment of disbelief. Ken tries to continue writing but it won't. Archie runs around, sees a pentel with its cap off, but of course it's dry. Ken is trying to find a knife to sharpen the pencil, but all the kitchen ones are useless. Archie joins Ken in the kitchen, upends a drawer but can't find a suitable knife.
Then he seen Wanda's typewriter in the bedroom and runs to it. He hits a Key. Nothing. He stares and starts trying to switch it on. Nothing causes it to work. He checks the plug. It's out of the socket. He puts it in, switches it on, opens the drawer. No paper. He's frantic. He sees a Kleenex box and tries to feed a Kleenex in. It gets mangled. Ken runs up with a toothpaste tube and tries to write with the paste on the dressing table surface but the past won't obey his wishes. Archie suddenly sees a penknife on the window ledge.
ARCHIE Look! Knife....
He grabs it and opens it.
ARCHIE Where's the pencil?
The look around. They have lost it. They run around incredulously. They can't find the pencil anyhere. Suddenly Ken holds it up. Triumph. But they've lost the knife.
ARCHIE I gave it to you.
ARCHIE Ken! Here! Write in this....
But the ketchump won't flow. Ken appears, holding a newspaper as tourniquet. Archie grabs the paper and runs to the typewriter with it, tears off a sheet, and puts it in. It goes dead. He is him across the room and points to the wall. He's written “Cathcart Towers” there in blood. Archie stares.
ARCHIE Cathcart Towers?
KEN Cathcart Towers.
KEN MIMES PLANE.
ARCHIE The airport!!
153 EXT. LONDON STREETS. DAY.
Ken hurtles along on his motorcycle with Archie clinging on behind.
154 EXT. CATHCART TOWERS HOTEL. DAY
Otto and Wanda run from Aechie's car. They hurry into the hotel.
155 EXT. LONDON STREET. DAY.
Ken and Archie pass “ Hearthron Airport” sign.
156 INT. SECURITY BOX AREA. CATHCART TOWERS HOTEL. DAY
Otto and Wanda conclude their busines. Wanda holds her hand luggage with unusual affection. Otto surrenders a key card to a Reception clerk.
CLERK Thank you Mr Jackson.
The hurry off in the direction of the check-in desks.
157 EXT. CATHCART TOWERS HOTEL. DAY.
Ken's motorcycle skids to a Halt, and Archie sees his car. Illegally parked, surrounded by a traffic warden ad a policeman. He runs to it, leans in and takes the passport out of the briefcase.
ARCHIE Shan't be a moment.
He chases after Ken.
158 INT. AIRPORT CHECK-IN AREA. DAY.
Wanda looks up at the Rio flight details on the Information Board, as Otto cheks in.
WANDA BA 313. Last call.
AIRLINE EMPLOYEE Smoking or non -smoking?
159 INT. CATHCART TOWERS LOBBY. DAY
Ken and Archie look around frantically. They run off towards the check-in area.
159A INT. AIRPORT SECURITY. DAY.
Wanda's hand luggage passes through the security scanning machine. Wanda whose coat bulges, waits to collect it calmy. Otto passes through the security frame and with a billiant and outtrageous manoeuvre involving physical dexterity and deceit, takes the gun with him. Wanda is momentarily shocked, but bites her tongue as they hurry off together. Wanda checks her handbag.
160 INT. AIRPORT CHECK-IN AREA. DAY.
Archie and Ke look around hopelessly. No sign of their quarry. Ken suddenly tugs at Archie's arm and points above a distant check-in desk.
THEIR POV: A sign reading BA313 – RIO DE JANEIRO.
160 INT. AIRPORT CHECK-IN AREA. DAY.
Archie and Ken look around hopelessly. No sign of their quarry. Ken suddely tugs at Archie's arm and points above a distant check-in desk.
THEIR POV: A sign reading BA 313 – RIO DE JANEIRO.
161 INT. LONG CORRIDORS LEADING TO DEPARTURE LOUNGES. DAY.
Wanda and Otto hurry. As they pass an empity departure lounge Wanda looks round, Gasps and pulls Otto into it out of sight.
WANDA Look out! Police!!
Otto peers back but can't see anything. Wanda coshes him. Otto falls.
162 INT. CHECK-IN AREA. DAY.
Archie is waiting breathlessly as an Airline Employee finishes a phone call, and puts the phone down.
EMPLOYEE We can just do it Mr Leach. Luggage?
He starts writing speedily. Behind him Ken passes on a luggage belt and disappears down a chute. Archie is startled. The Employee looks at him.
ARCHIE No! No luggage. Don't really need it.
163 INT. QUIET AIRPORT LOUNGE. DAY.
Wanda crams to rest of Otto into a broom cupboard, and close it. It locks. She sees Otto's boarding pass on the floor, picks it up, and stuffs it into a trash can.
WANDA Ciao stupidissimo.
165 INT. CORRIDOR LEADING TO DEPARTURE LOUNGE. DAY.
Archie running at full speed.
167 EXT. CORRIDOR NEARE THE PLANE. DAY.
An Indian Cleaner is sweeping near Otto's cupboard. A silenced revolver starts shooting away the lock. The Cleaner does not notice.
168 INT. PLANE BA 313. DAY.
Wanda is seated. She glances at the seat next to her, and sniffs hilosophically. She pats her hand luggage and pulls out People Magazine.
169 INT. CORRIDOR NEARER THE PLANE. DAY.
The Indian Cleaner lies still as Otto gets the cupboard open and sprints off. Flash pan to Archie running, who sees Otto as he disappears into departure lounge.
170 int. Departure lounge. Day.
Archie sees Otto hurring after another late arrival, Hutchison. Hutchison and Otto go round a corner. Otto catches up Hutchison.
OTTO (english) Exuse ne sir. May I see your boarding card. M15.
HUTCHISON Oh certainly.
OTTO (examining it) Brritish passport!
Otto bonks Hutchison on the head with his gun, puts it on the fllor and starts hauling Hutchison out of sight. Archie comes round the corner and can hardly believe his luck. He picks uo the gun
and sticks it in Otto's ribs as he straightens up.
ARCHIE Down the stairs.
Otto stiffens, but goes down the stairs without arguing.
OTTO Ok, Ok, don't get excited.
Archie pushes him down to the bottom of the steps and shoves him against the wall.
ARCHIE Get over there.
Otto turns and sees Archie.
OTTO Oh! It's you. You had me worried for a minute.
He takes fis hands down.
ARCHIE Keep your hand up.
ARCHIE Put them up.
OTTO I'll do you a deal. I'll kepp one up.
Otto puts one arm up.
ARCHIE Put the other one uo.
Otto puts the other one up but takes the first one down.
OTTO Which looks better?
He alternates raised arms experimentally.
ARCHIE I warn you....
OTTO What do you want?
ARCHIE I just want to tell you what a deeply unpleasant creature you are.
OTTO Correct. Now I've got a plane to catch....
ARCHIE Hold it!
OTTO What are you going to do? Shoot me, Archie? Gun me down in cold blood like a dog? Look, if you have something to settle with me, fight me.
Otto adopts Queensbury pose. Archie stares.
OTTO You are a man aren't you. Well, let's figh like men.
OTTO Come on then.
Dramatic music starts. Archie puts the gun down and they circle.
OTTO Hey, you look good.
ARCHIE That's right Otto. I used to box for Oxford, and I'm going to teach you....
Otto has picked the gun up. Archie stands, breathtaken, with his fist up.
OTTO Sorrry. I changed my mind.
He fires a shot, which rips a shoulder pad off Archie's jacket.
OTTO Now, hands up.
Otto shoots his other shoulder pad away. Archie puts up his hands.
OTTO You spineless bimbo. Where's your boarding pass?
Archie, now really scared, nods towards his breast pocket.
OTTO Get it.
Archie pulls it out.
OTTO Eat it.
Archie looks astonished. Two more shots dismantle his jacket. Archie starts eating it very fast. Otto peers out on to the landing field.
OTTO For your continued comfort abd safety – out.
He indicates. Archie goes through the door.
171 ext. Taxi-ing area. Day.
They come out on to the taxi-ing area. It's fairly deserted, bar two British Airways planes. The cement is being resurfaced and there's masses of trsurfacing equipment. Among this is a large barrel of black goo. Archie and Otto are moving towards it.
OTTO I have to shoot you now Archie. But first I'm going to humiliate you. So....get in the
OTTO ...In the barrel.
Otto fired and removes some cloth in the region of Archie's crotch. Archie starts getting into the barrel. As he does so...
OTTO You English! You think you're so superior, don't you. Well, you're the filth of the planet. A bunch of disadvantaged, pompus, badly-dressed, homosexual football hooligans...
Archie is in the barrel. We now see behind Otto a distant steamroller.
OTTO ….running a trash can of an Empire. (English accent) Declaring war on the Falkland
Islands!! Why don't you pick on someone your own sizel! Bay Archie!
Archie, up to his waist in disgusting oleaginous substances, is staring past Otto with a look of amazement. Then he thinks quickly.
ARCHIE ...Like Grenada?
ARCHIE Lihe Grenada? That was a triumpf wasn't it?
In the background, Ken is slowly bearing down on Otto.
OTTO You know your problem? You just don't like winners!
OTTO Yeah, winners!
ARCHIE Like North Vietnam?
OTTO Shut up! We didn't lose Vietnam, it was a tie.
ARCHIE (in bad American accent) I'm tellin'ya baby, they kicked a little ass there. Boy, they whupped your hide but good.
OTTO No they didn't
ARCHIE Yes they did.
OTTO No they didn't
ARCHIE Oh yes they did.
OTTO Bullshit. America is the most powerful country on earth!
ARCHIE The most violent! The largest proportion of paychopaths in the Western Worl. The
only nation on earth where Rambo could be a national Hero. No wonder the Mafia's
based there. Looks at your television. It's car crashes, American Football, the most
brutal game ever invented, and people being shot every twelve seconds. And if you
get any decent leaders, you shoot them too. And then you pretend we're all
supposed to be scared of the Russians!
The steam roller is now closer to Otto. Otto raises the gun.
ARCJIE And that's forgetting the violence you do to our beautiful language.
OTTO (calmly) Oh shut up. Bye Archie.
ARCHIE Going to shoot me?
OTTO I'm afraid so old chap. Sorry.
ARCHIE Old American debating trick is it? Win your argument the American way, blow his
ARCHIE Look! Look Otto! (He points)
OTTO Oh tha's good. That's original. Almost had me there Archie.
Then Otto has second thoughts and glances over his shoulder and sees Ken bearing down on him. He is so tickedd, he unknowingly steps into some wet concrete.
OTTO Ha ha ha ha. It's Kkkkkken cccoming to Kkkkkkill me. And what's he going to Kill me
with, a steam roller. Ah ah ah! Couldn't you find anything a little bit faster, Ken?
How are you toing to ccccatch me Kkkkken? Ah ah ah ah ah.
He turns bach to Archie, who is half out of the barrel.
OTTO Where was I? OH!...Goodbye chicken.
He aims the gun at Archie's head, but then pauses. He moves his shoulders oddly. He glances down, double-takes as he sees he is standing in wet concrete and tries to move his feet. He can't. He starts to panic. He swivels round towards the steam roller. It's very close. Otto fires at Ken. The bullet akims the and of Ken's nose, leaving a red tip.
KEN Ddddddeath Dddddeath!
Otto pulls the trigger again. Nothing.
OTTO No. No! Ken! Wait! Wait!!!
KEN Remember Wanda!
OTTO Aaaah! Ken! This is the deal of a life time! 50-50. You and me. Ok? 60-40. That's
my final offer.
OTTO Wait! I've had an idea. You can have it all! Here's my boarding pass. No, no, please.
I've just seen God! Onward Christian Soldiers, marching as to....
The roller is very close. Otto has his boarding pass in his aoutstretched hand.
OTTO Look! Ken! I can cure your stuttter! Ken, I'm sorry I ate the fish. I'm sorry!! Jesus!
I said “sorry” you c....!!
The steam roller runs him over.
ARCHIE Is out of the barrel. But he watches in horror as Otto is squashed. A tiny blob loops through the air and lands on his cheek. Archie wipes it off with a finger. Where Otto had stood there is a large patch of strawberry yoghurt. A solitary hand is left. It holds a boarding pass. Archie sees it.
KEN The next one's for George.
He comes back on a second run. Archie runs forward.
KEN (shouts) You bastard! You filthy bugger!
Archie dashes over to the strawberry yoghurt and Otto's right hand. Archie takes the boarding pass and leaps out Ken's way as he thunders by again, flattening the hand, which has frozen in a rude sign position.
KEN Got you again! Hey. I've lost my stutter! Ha ha! It's ggggggone!
In as wide a shot as we can afford, Ken runs over the yoghurt again. Various folk and vehicles run towards Ken and his roller, shouting.
172 INT. ENTRANCE OF PLANE BA 313. DAY.
Archie, in underpants only, is presenting the boarding pass to a steward. The cabin staff are all bemused. The steward leads him to his seat, next to Wanda. Passengers stare. He sits. Wanda jumps, and stares.
Archie leans towards her. She moves to embrace him, but he leans past her, picks up her hand luggage, and places it between them. Wanda smiles. He puts his hand on hers.
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