Boys on the Side
SCENE 1
JANE: Thank you. Im Jane DeLuca, this is Johnny Figgis, and our band.
MAN: Im going to take a leak, Babe.
WOMAN: Bye.
JANE: Did you see that bitch, man?
JOHNNY: Fuck her.
JANE: Im going to fuck her!
JOHNNY: Wait! J...J...Jane!
JANE: Girl, that man is so fine!
WOMAN: Yeah, actually he is.
JANE: Is this your first date?
WOMAN: Mm hm. Listen, do you need to clear something? Go ahead and take everything, just leave us the glasses.
JANE: No, I was the singer up there. You didnt see me? I was like signaling and going like this to you.
WOMAN: What are you talking about?
JANE: You dont know? Oh Baby! You had the biggest, greenest thing hanging out of your nose, so I kept going like this.
WOMAN: Oh my God. You could see it from up there?
JANE: Baby, it looked like Gumby doing Tarzan. It was huge!
WOMAN: Oh my God! All right.
JANE: You know.
SCENE 2
MAN: You blew my rent, man! I had an important A &R guy coming down and you fucked me! You know what? Youre outta here! Youre canceled! Forget it!
JOHNNY: No, you cant...Hey, wait!
MAN: Wait for what? Till you learn to sing?
JANE: Whats up with him? What did he want?
JOHNNY: You wanna know whats up with him? That son-of-a-bitch just fucked us!
SCENE 3
JANE: You know, this town is dead for me anyway. We got that gig in L.A., well just leave a little early.
JOHNNY: Yeah, well maybe this is trying to telling us something. You know what Im saying?
JANE: Yeah, its telling us were fucking fired! Thats what its telling us.
JOHNNY: Well, no, not just this. I mean, maybe L.A. isnt the answer to our problems.
JANE: Well, what does that mean?
JOHNNY: Well, Tommy hooked me up with some studio work in the city. Its good money. Its in the city. And Ive got to think of Debbie here, you know?
JANE: Oh, Debbie? Isnt that the little girl in Queens who sets her hair everyday, this is suddenly a factor?
TAXI: Yo! Get the fuck outta the way!
JANE: You get the fuck out of my way! Do you understand? Go back to Pakistan!
JOHNNY: Look, Ive gotta be realistic here, all right? Ive got to look ahead. I mean, how long have youve been doing this shit? What, for seventeen years? Look...
JANE: Look, what? Look, what?!
JOHNNY: I dont want that to happen to me, okay?
JANE: You should be so lucky!
JOHNNY: Hey, I got priorities here, you know!
JANE: You know, shes holding you back, man. Everybody says it. Shes like Yoko with bangs!
JOHNNY: They dont say that shes holding me back, okay? Look. All Im saying is, dont go to L.A. All right? I mean, even if you dont got shit going on here, you still got all that voice-over stuff...
JANE: Let me tell you something, man. You stay here. You stay here and you play daddy, okay? Im gone.
JOHNNY: Jane!
SCENE 4 Jane is packing her things, finds an advertisement in the newspaper asking for a driver to drive to the west coast.
SCENE 5
JANE: That was in 78. I was supposed to be the new Aretha, but the old Aretha was the new Aretha and I was neither one, so I was something that no one had ever seen before.
ROBIN: Sure.
JANE: So Im gettin the fuck out! (To waitress): Could I get some french fries, please?
WAITRESS: Coming right up.
JANE: You know, head down to L.A., get some gigs going, get the heat happening.
ROBIN: Well, great. Thats perfect because I can drop you there, and then head on to San Diego on my own.
JANE: Great.
ROBIN: You know, I used to sing, too.
JANE: Oh really?
ROBIN: Mm hm. Nothing professional. Mostly amateur talent competitions.
JANE: Oh, Star Search or something?
ROBIN: Sort of. Only I never made it that far. I played the piano and sang.
JANE: What did you sing?
ROBIN: Way Over Yonder. Carole King. Close to You. The Carpenters. It was the seventies.
JANE: Close to You?
ROBIN: You know, why do birds suddenly appear every time you appear, Just like me, they long to be...
JANE: Yeah, I know. I know. Why San Diego?
ROBIN: Well, why not? You know. Im in real estate, and right now the market is just unbelievably bad. And I think sometimes you have to make a change. You have to take control and say: Things are going to be different. I can make them different if I believe in them in my heart.
JANE: Hey, fuck Star Search. You should have been Miss America.
SCENE 6
ROBIN: Um, I hope you dont mind my mentioning this: no smoking in the car.
JANE: What do you mean, no smoking?
ROBIN: No smoking in the car.
JANE: Whatsoever?
ROBIN: Im going uptown. Can I give you a lift? Yoo hoo! Taxi!
JANE: No, I have a car. One in which I smoke...
ROBIN: So what do you think? I think it could work.
JANE: Ill let you know in a couple of days, okay?
ROBIN: Because I really need to leave, as soon as possible, and I just dont want to it alone. I dont think that would be safe. And youre the first person that answered the ad. I think thats a sign of something. I think youd be fine. I mean, I think our personalities would mesh.
JANE: Look, Robin, right? Youre a nice lady and Im sure theres a lot of things about yourself that you just cant help and I understand that. But I dont fuckin think we mesh at all. And Im sure theres somebody out there who wants to go cross country with the whitest woman on the face of the earth, singing Carpenter songs and reliving childhood memories. But it aint me. (To tow truck driver): Hey! Thats my car, man! Hey! Thats my car! Hey! Thats my car!
ROBIN: Thats gonna cost at least $200 to get your car back.
SCENE 7
MAN: Okay, Jane. Good luck in L.A., man. Earthquakes, fires, riots...they got some real crazy bastards out there in California. I dont know why you want to go out there anyway. (To other mover): Hey, easy with that piano!
SCENE 8 Robin is packing, putting notes on everything.
SCENE 9 Jane is packing her tapes.
SCENE 10 Robin lies awake in bed.
SCENE 11
ROBIN: Good morning!
SCENE 12
JANE: Listen, Ive got a friend in Pittsburgh. Do you mind if we stop, pick her up and take her out for lunch?
ROBIN: No, absolutely. No problem. Deal. (Takes picture): Smile! (Remembers childhood memory): My brother threw up, right here, near Exit 7. I remember, we pulled over.
JANE: How come hes not making this trek with you down memory lane? Or does he have a life?
ROBIN: He doesnt, as a matter of fact. He died of cancer when he was six.
JANE: Oh, man. Im sorry. Im sorry. Man.
ROBIN: Would you mind if I used your headphones?
JANE: No, go ahead.
SCENE 13
ANSWER
MACHINE: Hi, youve reached Nick and Holly, leave a message...(Jane hangs up).
SCENE 14
WOMAN: Theres a sick lady in the bathroom. Is she with somebody here?
WAITRESS: Shes outside.
WOMAN: Is that your friend in there in the bathroom?
JANE: Yeah.
WOMAN: Girl, you better get in there. Shes in there throwin up.
JANE: Thanks.
SCENE 15
JANE: Hey, are you all right?
ROBIN: That stupid woman. I told her I was fine.
JANE: You look like shit.
ROBIN: Thank you. Allergies. I have allergies. They come and they go. Some people think its all in my head. Do you ever knock?
JANE: Not in a public toilet, no.
SCENE 16
JANE: Im really sorry. Its probably because I brought your brother up.
ROBIN: Oh, no no. Its not that. Im fine. Ill be fine if we just keep moving. Its not that...You smell like an ashtray.
SCENE 17
JANE: (Talking on the phone): Im just goin down to L.A. to...(Robin knocks on the door): What?!
ROBIN: Are you getting HBO? Because were supposed to get HBO and its not on mine.
JANE: I dont know. Im on the phone here.
ROBIN: Oh, Im sorry.
JANE: No, come in and check. Come in. (Talking on the phone): Yes, Im on my way to L.A. and I thought Id stop by and see you...No, no, I said Tuesday or Wednesday. Are you okay? No, its just...All right, no, Ill wait.
ROBIN: The Way We Were is on. Robert Redford. Barbara Streisand. The Way We Were.
JANE: I dont get out much.
ROBIN: It was twenty years ago. Oh great, youve got it. Do you...do you mind?
JANE: No, please. Please. (Talking on the telephone): No, Im here. No, I figured wed come by tomorrow around noon. Are you okay? I mean, is it Nick? No, fine, fine. All right. Yeah, no...Ill see you then. Good-bye.
ROBIN: Is that your friend in Pittsburgh?
JANE: Yeah. If she is still my friend.
ROBIN: Thats nice. I dont really have any girlfriends. My mom always felt, you know, you cant trust women.
JANE: I dont know about that.
ROBIN: Oh, come on. Men know all about PMS. Somebody talked.
SCENE 18
ROBIN: Oh! That gets me the way she like brushes his hair off his forehead. That really gets me.
JANE: So, which one of them were you? The one who loved too much or the one who loved too little?
ROBIN: Neither. Im the one who spent three years at Happy Hour and never went home with anybody except the bartender.
JANE: Well, the bartender is somebody.
ROBIN: Yeah. He was somebody, all right. I dont know...I dont know about men. I just dont get it.
JANE: Maybe youre not into them.
ROBIN: You mean...eew...no.
JANE: Maybe you dont know.
ROBIN: I think I scare them away because I know what I want.
JANE: Oh well, tell me. What do you want?
ROBIN: Its not very liberated, I know...I want a husband with a decent job, you know. And, I want two kids, a boy and a girl, in that order, and a soap box colonial with three bedrooms, a sun porch, a stairway with a white banister, and a convertible den.
JANE: You couldve been Donna Reed in another life.
ROBIN: Anyway, I didnt get it.
JANE: Thats all right, theres always time.
ROBIN: Yeah.
JANE: Is that why you left New York? Because that bartender did you wrong.
ROBIN: Something like that...8:00 tomorrow, okay? If you want to get to Pittsburgh by twelve. Goodnight.
JANE: Goodnight. Thanks for the movie.
SCENE 19
ROBIN: Well, I looked around, got into real estate. Thats where the performing really paid off. Sizing up situations, handling people, getting what you want from them without them really knowing, you know. Control.
JANE: Dont worry, you dont have to come in. Oh, I hate this belt.
ROBIN: Its for your own protection if something were to...
JANE: I know.
SCENE 20
JANE: (Knocking on the door): Hey Holly! Hey Holly! Hey! Hey! Hey!
HOLLY: Jane!
JANE: Hey.
HOLLY: Hi.
JANE: Hi!
HOLLY: You look good.
JANE: Thanks! Thanks. You, too....Whats the matter?
NICK: Holly!
HOLLY: Look, somethings come up, Nicks in a mood. Could we do this another time?
JANE: Hey, were on the road here! Look, Ill handle it. Ill fix it. Let me talk to him!
HOLLY: Jane!
JANE: Jesus Christ!
NICK: Holly!
HOLLY: He thinks hes lost something.
JANE: I thought you said he was clean.
HOLLY: Well, he is. I mean, he has nine months in NA. Hes just dealing. And, you know, he has a drink and he gets confused.
NICK: Holly! If you cleaned this fuckin place up maybe Id be able to find my shit! (To Jane): What the fuck are doing here?!
JANE: Hello Nick. Im just passin through. Well catch you later. (To Holly): Cmon.
NICK: You think youre going somewhere?!
JANE: Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! Dont...be a prick.
NICK: Stick to what you know, Jane. Thats something about you girls I could never figure out. Whats sex like without a dick?
JANE: I dont know, man. You tell me.
NICK: Fuck you!
JANE: You wish. (To Holly): Come on.
NICK: You aint goin nowhere!
JANE: Hey man!
NICK: This is bullshit!
ROBIN: All you all right?
JANE: Uh huh.
NICK: Who the fuck are you?!
ROBIN: Hi, how are you? (To Jane): Are we going?
JANE: Yes.
NICK: Nobodys going anywhere until I get my coke! This bitch! She stole it! She aint seein daylight until she gives it up.
HOLLY: You dont remember shit when youre drinking, you asshole! You stole it Tuesday night.
NICK: You remember the last time I called you a liar? Is that the way you want me to play this?!
ROBIN: Guys! Guys! Guys! My hunch is, our two positions might be a lot closer than we think. Who do you believe he sold it to?
HOLLY: Frank. This guy uptown. A friend.
JANE: Hey, Nick!
ROBIN: Jane. Let me close this. Wheres his number?
HOLLY: Its on the wall.
ROBIN: Im Robin, by the way. You must be Holly.
HOLLY: Hi! Its really nice to meet you.
ROBIN: Me, too.
HOLLY: Um, I really like your hair.
ROBIN: Oh, thanks. The beauty parlor really messed with it. You know how they never understand. (Talking on the telephone): Is Frank there? Yeah. (Hands the phone to Nick).
NICK: Frank. You score any coke off me Tuesday night? Yeah. How much? Mm hm. Thats what I thought! Hollys saying you did! All right, later...So I sold it to him.
ROBIN: Okay, fine. Lets go.
NICK: Wheres the fucking money?!
HOLLY: Oh man!
JANE: Give us a fuckin break.
ROBIN: Wheres the money?
HOLLY: He hides it. He always does. The same three or four places and Im not telling.
ROBIN: Tell me where.
HOLLY: I tell you to write it down but you never do, so forget it.
NICK: You stole it. Jane, you know her. Shes a liar and a thief. Its not her fault. Its her fucking nature!
JANE: Get the fuck away from me.
NICK: Fuck you, too, man! No fucking trust here! Get the fuck up! Thats what fucking hurts! Ahh, Jesus fucking...Ahh (Holly hits Nick over the head with a baseball bat).
JANE: What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you crazy?!
HOLLY: Did I hurt him?
JANE: What do you mean Did I hurt him? You hit him with a bat! Im gonna call the cops, okay?
NICK: Oh fuck...
HOLLY: Hes alive.
JANE: Give me the bat! Give it to me right now!
NICK: Im gonna kill you, Holly. Im gonna fuckin kill you...
JANE: No!
ROBIN: Time out! Nobody move. Jane, give me the bat, please. Holly, dont tease him. And Nick, you have some real like ability issues. Now who has tape?
SCENE 21
JANE: I do not feel good about this.
ROBIN: Oh, what would you like to do? Call the police? Theyll arrest them both. Theres drugs everywhere.
JANE: What are you doing?
HOLLY: Oh, nothing.
JANE: What are you doing?
HOLLY: Just the cash. Im clean.
JANE: No. Were not taking drug money on the road. Put it back.
HOLLY: Well, its not like you can tell by looking at it.
JANE: Okay, you have a point. Well just take half. All right? And, we are not taking drugs with us on the road with us either, so give them here. Thank you.
HOLLY: Youre welcome.
ROBIN: Okay. Well take the gag off when we leave and there will be four hours of loud music, after which point youll will scream for help. Meanwhile, work on the tape. Okay? Phones in the kitchen. Water.
JANE: Yeah.
ROBIN: Thanks, hon. Right here. Everyone go potty, we dont want to have to stop!
HOLLY: I went.
JANE: Look what shes doing!
ROBIN: Dont tease the animal! Come on. Go! Go! Go!
NICK: Im gonna kill you Holly! Im gonna kill you! Holly!
ROBIN: Lets go! Dont worry. I feel really firmly about it. All right, buckle up!
JANE: Would you close the door!
SCENE 22
JANE: I am not going over a cliff for you two, so just forget it.
SCENE 23 Nick frees himself from the tape.
SCENE 24
HOLLY: Ive got some friends in St. Louis. You remember Linda. I can stay with her. So, where are you guys going?
ROBIN: Los Angeles, then San Diego.
JANE: Yeah, and youre not coming.
HOLLY: Bummer.
JANE: Listen. Why did you stay with this guy so long?
HOLLY: A lot of that back there was drugs. You know, they really fuck him up.
ROBIN: But hes a really nice guy underneath?
HOLLY: Well, I wouldnt go that far.
JANE: Its the sex. Come on, lets be frank, okay. He was great in bed. Am I right?
HOLLY: Sometimes. I dont know, I mean, I think that theres something beyond sex.
JANE: Yeah, me.
HOLLY: Well, I dont know, but I certainly didnt like his attitude and Im going to think long and hard before I take him back.
JANE: You go, girl.
SCENE 25
ANSWER
MACHINE: Hi, youve reached Nick and Holly. Leave a message after the beep and well get back to you.
NICK: Oh, my fuckin head! (Nick falls down dead).
SCENE 26
HOLLY: Thank you, really? Oh my God, are you kidding? That Dance Fever was my favorite. I thought Danny Tarragon was the coolest guy I ever heard...
JANE: Would you look at her! Its pathological, man.
ROBIN: Shes young.
JANE: I guess. How you doing?
ROBIN: Im fine. A little tired.
JANE: You were great back there. You must have sold a ton of condos.
ROBIN: It was kind of fun. Adrenaline.
JANE: You were very frightening. I was very proud of you.
HOLLY: Um, it was very nice meeting you.
SCENE 27
HOLLY: Yes! (To Jane): Is Robin asleep already?
JANE: Yeah, you know, she gets tired real easy.
HOLLY: You know, she doesnt look so good.
JANE: She has all those allergies, man. You know, they come and go. Did you call Linda yet?
HOLLY: Yeah, I was just thinking. You guys can just go ahead and leave tomorrow and Ill just grab a bus.
JANE: Well why? Were going right through St. Louis. I mean, its no big deal...Oh, youre going back, arent you?
HOLLY: Might as well.
JANE: What do you mean, Might as well? This is a guy who kicks your ass all the time. This is not love, Honey.
HOLLY: Yeah, maybe youre right.
JANE: Look. The man is going to kill you. We humiliated him. We tied him up. Come on!
HOLLY: I mean, I cant always do what you think I should do. Like, weve been there, Jane.
JANE: Fine. I just dont understand why you keep setting yourself up to get hurt. Thats all.
HOLLY: You should talk.
JANE: What does that mean?
HOLLY: Look, youve guys have been really great and I really like Robin, and I just hope you know that shes not gay.
JANE: Well, so what?
HOLLY: So, thats what I meant by saying, You should talk.
SCENE 28
FRANK: Hey Nick. Nick? Oh shit!
SCENE 29
MAN: Passengers with tickets, please go directly to the forwarding area. Those passengers still needing tickets, please purchase them at the ticket window. Please take all luggage to the baggage loading area.
ROBIN: Here we are. Okay. Take care of yourself.
HOLLY: You, too. Get some sunshine, okay?
ROBIN: Okay.
HOLLY: Promise?
ROBIN: Yeah.
HOLLY: Okay. Take care of yourself.
ROBIN: Okay.
HOLLY: Bye, Jane.
JANE: Bye.
HOLLY: Shell get over it. See ya.
SCENE 30
WOMAN: Thank you.
ROBIN: Its her life.
JANE: Yeah, but she gives us all a bad name with that Im addicted to a bad guy stuff.
ROBIN: Well...
WOMAN #2: Thank you. I hope that everything was satisfactory.
JANE: Um, actually, the green on number eight is a little rough.
WOMAN #2: Oh really? Well, well check it out as soon as we can. Is there anything else?
SCENE 31
ROBIN: Jane!
JANE: What? What? Why are you screaming like that? What?! (They see in the newspaper that Nick is dead). Oh shit.
SCENE 32
ROBIN: Move closer! Just a little bit closer. Okay.
JANE: There she is.
ROBIN: Okay. Holly! Holly! HOLLY! HOLLY! Holly! Nick...dead! No...Nick...dead! Sounds like head! Oh, wait a minute. I have a good idea. (Writes the French word for dead on the window).
JANE: What are you writing?
ROBIN: Morre.
JANE: Shes not going to know what...
ROBIN: Its French for dead! I cant write dead...!
HOLLY: Whos Morty?
ROBIN: (Holds newspaper up to window) Dead! Get off the bus!
SCENE 33
HOLLY: Oh, I cant believe this. I mean, he was alive when we left! I have a photo. Do you think it would help? Poor Nick. He was such a nice guy, once in a while.
JANE: Stop with the nice guy stuff. They have to believe this was self-defense.
HOLLY: Whos they?
JANE: What do you mean, Whos they? The cops in Pittsburgh.
HOLLY: Oh! You want me to go back there?
JANE: Yeah!
HOLLY: Now?
JANE: Yes!
HOLLY: I couldnt.
JANE: Why not?
HOLLY: Memories.
JANE: What fuckin memories?
ROBIN: Why does she have to go back? Why dont we just pretend we never saw it?
JANE: Please tell me youre kidding.
ROBIN: No. When we left, he was alive. How do we know that what she did killed him?
HOLLY: Exactly! I mean, he could have tripped and hit his head on the bat. It could happen.
JANE: No! Youre going back. This is not a game.
HOLLY: I cant go to jail. Not with the baby.
ROBIN: What baby, Honey?
HOLLY: Im eight weeks pregnant.
JANE: What? You were going to bring a baby into that house?
HOLLY: Oh, like what were my options?
JANE: How about abortion?
HOLLY: I couldnt do that. Id feel like a murderer.
JANE: Honey, you are a murderer!
HOLLY: Oh God. To think its possible that I killed my babys daddy.
JANE: To think its possible? You hit him in the head with a baseball bat--hes dead!
HOLLY: No! To think its possible that Nick is the daddy?
SCENE 34
ROBIN: We never saw the newspaper. She hit him in self-defense. She split. Shes never gonna see him again. Ill call my lawyer in New York. Hell tell us what to do. If we have to go back, well say we came as soon as we found out.
JANE: Thats fine with me. I suggest we keep driving. We sleep in shifts. The farther away from that body I get, the happier Ill be.
SCENE 35
HOLLY: She wrote, The Ballad of the Lonely Masturbater, here, try this its really good... The Celebration of my Uterus, and...
ROBIN: Oh, no no, Holly. Stop the car! Stop it!
HOLLY: Oh fine! Ill go get it. All right!
SCENE 36
HOLLY: See, Nick had this house with this drummer that Jane knew. And wed all hang out together. But then Nick pissed some people off and we had to move to Pittsburgh...Can I have a bite of that? Yeah, well...its been a long couple of days.
ROBIN: Tell me about it.
HOLLY: Janes been so great to me. I mean, at first she just liked me because of the whole gay thing.
ROBIN: Janes gay?
HOLLY: Like, hello! You didnt know?
ROBIN: I dont know, I just...Dont look! Its okay. Its okay.
HOLLY: Anyway, she just got dumped so you know, rebound time.
ROBIN: Oh.
HOLLY: I know, eew gross. But dont worry. She wont try anything, especially not after me. I told her that is was a real self-hating thing to get crushes on straight girls.
ROBIN: But this person that dumped her, shes gay, right?
HOLLY: Yeah, but I mean even with gay girls, there are no guarantees. Theyre very emotional. Thats about all I know. They love uniforms, and dont break their hearts.
ROBIN: Uniforms?
HOLLY: Oh yeah, all kinds. Especially U.P.S.
WAITRESS: Will that be all?
ROBIN: Yeah.
WAITRESS: Ill get the check.
ROBIN: Thanks.
HOLLY: Not that Im an expert. I mean, shes the only one Ive seen, except for the ones in the porno tapes Nick used to rent...Im sorry. Its just every time I think of his little ways...
SCENE 37 Jane, Robin and Holly are driving, listening to music and singing.
SCENE 38
ROBIN: Try to look a little more western. Thats good.
JANE: Take the picture!
ROBIN: You sort of need to something.
JANE: Here.
ROBIN: Thats cute. (Robin has a childhood memory)
SCENE 39
JANE: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Who you calling? Who you calling?
HOLLY: I was calling a friend.
JANE: Uh uh, no, you cant call that friend, hes dead. And youre not supposed to know hes dead.
HOLLY: But...I want my friend. I want Nick!
SCENE 40
JANE: Hey, will you come talk to Holly, please.
ROBIN: Dont come in!
JANE: Whats the matter?
SCENE 41
DOCTOR: Ms. DeLuca?
JANE: Yes.
DOCTOR: Susan Newbauer. She asked me to talk to you. Its pneumonia. Well have to keep her here for a couple of days.
JANE: Can we see her?
DOCTOR: Tomorrow, after eleven. Just go on up to the eighth floor. Its typical in this kind of AIDS-related pneumonia.
JANE: AIDS? You tellin me shes got AIDS?
DOCTOR: Yes. Im sorry, I thought you knew.
JANE: No, I didnt.
DOCTOR: Shes okay. Shell be out in less than a week.
SCENE 42
JANE: How ya doin?
ROBIN: Okay. Im sorry.
JANE: For what? Its not like you knew this was going to happen.
ROBIN: I thought...if I could just go somewhere else...I could make it...not happen. I shouldnt have lied to you.
JANE: It wasnt a lie, exactly. It was more like a sinful omission. Can I sit down?
ROBIN: Sure.
JANE: So I guess now were even.
ROBIN: How so?
JANE: Well, Holly told me that you didnt know I was gay. I dont want you to worry because...You know, Im not after you.
ROBIN: Im not worried....Why?
JANE: Luck of the draw, I guess.
ROBIN: No, I mean, why arent you after me?
JANE: Cause youre not my type.
ROBIN: Oh....Gee....Is this a black-white thing?
JANE: Its more like, uh, blondes-Carpenter thing....Youre safe with me. Um, is there somebody I should call or something, like family?
ROBIN: Oh...my mother? We dont communicate much. I mean, were...What about you? Youve got to get to L.A. Would you get me some more ice?
JANE: Sure.
ROBIN: AHH!
JANE: What is it? Wait! Wait! Wait! WAIT! What is it? Are you in pain?
ROBIN: No.
JANE: What is it?
ROBIN: I dont know where to go. I dont have any place to go...I dont know...anyplace...
JANE: Okay. Okay. Okay. Sometimes, if you dont have any place to go, its probably a good idea to stay where you are. Okay? All right, here, um...put your arm around me...Jesus, your weight....This might be the wrong time to bring this up, but...where the fuck are we? I mean, really. Where are we?
ROBIN: Tucson.
JANE: As in Arizona? Are you serious? Hey, you know what this means? Im gonna have to go out and get some cowboy boots....What about a horse?
SCENE 43 Tucson. Three months later.
HOLLY: Okay, good. No, Im just gonna go straight from work. Yeah. Yeah! Okay.
ROBIN: Im leaving now, Holly. So if youre coming, get off the phone.
HOLLY: Im coming. Okay, Ive got to go. Yeah, bye.
ROBIN: Will still have to pick up the cake.
HOLLY: Do you think shes gonna be surprised?
ROBIN: Thats the idea. Hurry up!
HOLLY: Okay!
SCENE 44
ROBIN: So Ill pick up the cake myself cause I have to drop by the hospital for a blood test.
HOLLY: Okay, but I told Abe to meet us there around ten...
ROBIN: What? Are you okay.
HOLLY: Kicking all morning long! Anyway, I told him to meet us there at ten. I really think that youre gonna like him.
ROBIN: Listen. I like any man that dates a pregnant woman. I wonder about him, but I like him.
SCENE 45
ANNA: Two hands. In this bar we wash the glasses with two hands. Thats the difference between clean an absolutely fucking disgusting.
ALEX: Watch your language, your bambinos are coming.
KIDS: Mom! Hi Mom!
ANNA: Get in the kitchen and stay there. She sees you two and the cat is out of the bag.
ALEX: Oh God. Is there no mercy? I cant believe it. A body like that on a 12-year old.
SCENE 46
ANNA: Thats enough candles.
BOY: Oh come on. We all know shes not twelve.
GIRL: Its not polite.
HOLLY: Oh sorry, am I late? Great.
ALEX: Hey, ready?
SCENE 47 Everyone sings Happy Birthday to Jane in Spanish.
SCENE 48
ROBIN: Can I have a light?
JANE: Give me that thing! Youre such a slut.
SCENE 49
ALEX: I dont know. Its like gay people are the only people getting laid anymore.
JANE: Maybe you oughtta try it.
ALEX: I like being straight. And I think heterosexuality is making a comeback.
JANE: Not if you have anything to do with it. Go dance.
ALEX: Excuse me....Say, Robin?
ROBIN: Yeah?
ALEX: Would you like to dance?
ROBIN: Yeah....Oh, Jesus.
ALEX: My dream evening. Lesbians and cops. Whats next, Republicans?
ROBIN: (Whispers to Jane): Cop. Cop. Cop.
ABE: Evening, ladies. Sir. Im looking for a Holly Pulchik.
ROBIN: Uh...
JANE: Who?
ABE: Holly Pulchik. Blonde hair, green eyes, about five-four.
ROBIN: Shes...
HOLLY: Hey! You made it!
ABE: There she is.
HOLLY: I was afraid some crime would keep you away.
ABE: No, it couldnt. It happens to be a slow night. Fridays...and when Fridays the first and when they get their checks, we have to be ready...
JANE: Its time to go. Good night everyone, were going to clean up. Excuse me, nice to meet you Mr. Lincoln.
ABE: No, please. Call me Abe.
JANE: Abe? As in Abe Lincoln? What is this, some kind of joke?
HOLLY: No, its his name. Isnt that a coincidence? Just like the president. I mean, like, I wonder why his parents thought that Abraham and Lincoln sounded good together.
ABE: Now, let me guess. You must be Robin. Nice to meet you Robin. And this is Jane.
JANE: Oh.
ABE: Hi, Jane. Happy birthday.
JANE: Oh, thank you. Peppers.
ABE: Yes, theyre from my garden.
HOLLY: Oh, isnt he sweet?
ABE: Now, now, Babe. Not while Im still in uniform.
HOLLY: Isnt that cute? He takes it so serious.
JANE: Aw...
HOLLY: Come on, Honey. Lets go get a drink.
JANE: Is it me, or is she workin her way down some weird list of guys who call women Babe?
ROBIN: I hope she keeps her mouth shut.
JANE: Right!
SCENE 50
ROBIN: Where are you and Anna going again?
JANE: Oh, shes taking me to see some damn psychic.
ROBIN: Oh.
JANE: Heres your ride.
ALEX: Robin. Uh, do you need a ride home?
ROBIN: Oh, I have a car.
JANE: Oh no, didnt I tell you? Holly came up to me and sighed and said that she needed the car.
ROBIN: Oh.
ALEX: Its on my way.
JANE: Yeah.
ROBIN: Thanks.
JANE: Oh, could you take these for me? Thanks.
ANNA: Jane! (Speaks Spanish) I dont want to be late for this woman. She scares the shit out of me.
JANE: Okay. Lets go.
ANNA: She is really good. You have to prepared when you get there.
SCENE 51
PSYCHIC: Here we go. Theres a long trip here. Traveling. This is nice, youre in love. This is very nice. And...oh...oh...
JANE: What?
PSYCHIC: This is a friend. I feel...this is not good at all. Theres a sickness here...Theres a curse...Yes? Yes. This is a curse. I can feel it.
ANNA: Can you do anything to remove the curse?
JANE: Anna!
ANNA: No, she can do that! Last year I...
JANE: Anna, sit down.
PSYCHIC: Let me talk to my guides.
JANE: Youre gonna talk to these rocks? Are you talking to these rocks and theyre gonna say something to you?
PSYCHIC: Id cross your legs here.
SCENE 52
ROBIN: You want some?
JANE: Oh, yeah. Yeah, thanks.
ROBIN: How was the psychic?
JANE: Dont ask. How was Alex? Did he leave fingerprints all over you?
ROBIN: What is it with me and bartenders?
JANE: I dont know.
ROBIN: Hes coming with us Saturday night. To the street fair.
JANE: Well, good. Theres safety in numbers. Just dont let him get you by yourself....I cannot believe hes a cop.
ROBIN: Hes cute though, huh?
JANE: Yeah, for a cop.
ROBIN: He does have a nice heiny.
JANE: Heiny? What is he, two years old? He has a nice heiny?
ROBIN: Dont laugh!
JANE: And dont think that I didnt see you checkin out that mans basket.
ROBIN: Eew!
JANE: Eew! What do you call it?
ROBIN: I dont call it anything. I just wasnt brought up to talk about a persons anatomy.
JANE: Thats probably because you dont have a word for it.
ROBIN: Thats just ridiculous. I do, too. It just doesnt often come up.
JANE: Okay. What is this, below the belly button?
ROBIN: Im not going to say pussy if thats what youre after, okay, I hate that.
JANE: Okay. So, what do you call it?
ROBIN: Down there.
JANE: Oh, come on! Down there!
ROBIN: Well, vagina seems so formal.
JANE: But you make it sound like a basement!
ROBIN: Okay. Honestly?
JANE: Yeah.
ROBIN: Fine. Hoo-hoo or cissy.
JANE: Youre kidding, right? A hoo-hoo or a cissy, what is that?
ROBIN: Well thats what my mother called it. I had a hoo-hoo or a cissy and my brother had a noodle or a dingle.
JANE: And thats what you still call it?
ROBIN: Well, its better than pussy. Or beaver. Whats that about? I never got that. Or worse...
JANE: Worse? Did you say worse? Now, what could be worse? I have to hear you say it.
ROBIN: Well, you know. Im not going to say it.
JANE: Oh, come on! C-U-N-T. Come on, please?
ROBIN: I dont think so.
JANE: Please? Itll free you. Try it!
ROBIN: Theres a policeman within the sound of my voice.
JANE: Give him a thrill.
ROBIN: I dont think so.
JANE: Im gonna wet you.
ROBIN: No! Youre such a baby!
JANE: Okay. Come on.
ROBIN: All right. Cunt.
JANE: What? What was that?
ROBIN: I said it!
JANE: No, you breathed it! I want to hear you say it.
ROBIN: All right! All right. All right. C-U-N-T, cunt.
JANE: Yeah?
ROBIN: Cunt. Cunt. CUNT!
JANE: Free! Youve got a dirty mouth.
ROBIN: You were right. I feel...I dont know, different.
JANE: Thats because youre free Miss Scarlett! Youre free! Cmon, lets go get everybody and tell them!
ROBIN: That cant be good for the baby.
JANE: Oh, well, you know. Theyll probably take a break in the delivery room....Do you miss it?
ROBIN: What?
JANE: Sex.
ROBIN: Yeah, I do....You know whats weird? You never know the last time you sleep with somebody its the last time. Youre thinking: Oh, we got problems, we got work to do, you know, but you never think...and then you break up and a month later you look back and you go: Oh, that was it. That Tuesday or Friday or whenever, and you wished you paid attention because it was the last time....Well.
JANE: Listen, thanks for my birthday present. Because a girl can never have too many (?).
ROBIN: I know. Im sorry.
JANE: No. No. I love it.
ROBIN: Well, happy birthday.
JANE: Thank you.
ROBIN: Youre mail is in the living room. Good night, I drank too much.
JANE: Good night.
SCENE 53 Jane plays her new piano and sings a Carpenters song.
SCENE 54
JANE: So whats the deal? Do you like her or what?
ALEX: Yeah, I do. Ive been trying. But you know, shes got that back off thing goin on so I just assumed that she was one of the girls.
JANE: No. Shes not that. Shes definitely not one of the girls.
ALEX: No kidding?
JANE: No kidding. Just shy, you know.
ALEX: Yeah?
JANE: Yeah. So, I hear youre goin with us on Saturday?
ALEX: I am now.
JANE: We should have a little talk.
ALEX: Come on, Ill give you a beer. Come on.
SCENE 55
ABE: Ready?
HOLLY: Okay.
ABE: All right. One...two...three...There you go. Higher! Higher!
SCENE 56
ALEX: You want a drink?
SCENE 57
JANE: Hey.
ANNA: You okay?
JANE: Mm hm. Just tired.
ANNA: Shes having a good time.
JANE: Yeah.
ANNA: Thats good, no? Thats what you wanted.
JANE: Yeah.
SCENE 58
ABE: Holly? Hey Babe. Is something the matter?
HOLLY: No.
ABE: It smells like marijuana out here.
HOLLY: Clove cigarettes.
ABE: Now you know thats not good for the baby.
HOLLY: Yeah, well, having him come out of that tiny hole is not good for me, either, so were even.
ABE: What is wrong?
HOLLY: Ive got things on my mind.
ABE: Its that guy, right? Nick?
HOLLY: Who told you about him?
ABE: Well, it had to be someone. And besides, you keep calling out Nick in bed
HOLLY: I do? Well, maybe its something that sounds like Nick.
ABE: Does he know about the baby?
HOLLY: No. Im only here temporarily. I might go back.
ABE: I know that. And I will not stand in your way. But if he loves you so much, why doesnt he call?
HOLLY: Maybe he cant get to a phone.
ABE: Come on back to the party. I want to get one dance before we go.
HOLLY: All right.
SCENE 59
ROBIN: No, stop.
ALEX: What?
ROBIN: I dont know.
ALEX: You dont like it?
ROBIN: No, I do. I do like it.
ALEX: Yes, so do I....Feel me girl. Come on, put your hands on me. Yeah...lay down now.
ROBIN: Slow, slow, slow.
ALEX: Okay, real slow.
ROBIN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
ALEX: Whats the matter?
ROBIN: Um, Im a little drunk. Oh gosh.
ALEX: You are so beautiful.
ROBIN: No Im not.
ALEX: Oh, yes you are. Youre so fucking beautiful. And you taste so good.
ROBIN: Alex.
ALEX: Talk to me. Tell me what you like.
ROBIN: Listen.
ALEX: I want to make you cum so hard.
ROBIN: I gotta...I have to tell you something.
ALEX: Honey, I know.
ROBIN: You need to know something.
ALEX: Its okay, I know. Im going to use something.
ROBIN: What?
ALEX: Im going to use something. Its okay. Well be safe. Dont worry about it.
ROBIN: About what?
ALEX: Come on, shh, its okay.
ROBIN: No. No. You dont understand. I...Im...positive. I tested positive.
ALEX: Its okay. I know. I know. I just dont want to talk about it, all right? Because I already know...What? Whats the matter?
ROBIN: Who told you?
ALEX: Nobody. Nobody told me. Come on...
ROBIN: It was Jane. She told you.
ALEX: Yeah, she told me.
ROBIN: Why?
ALEX: It was no big deal. She said you were shy and had...had a bad time with some guy and I guessed, and she didnt deny it. It just came up real casually. Its just part of your history, like hey, shes on the rebound or something so be careful, you know. It just came out...
ROBIN: What does that make you? Big hero? Bringing sex to the unfuckable. You must feel really good about yourself.
ALEX: Oh, God. Thats not it. I just want things the way they used to be. You know? When I meet someone, someone I like, have a good time, get drunk, and fuck my brains out. Why cant we do that anymore?
ROBIN: Because you cant. Thats all. Just cant. I think you should go home.
ALEX: Robin.
ROBIN: No, please. Dont make me beg. Just go.
SCENE 60
JANE: Hey, good morning. Hows it going?
ROBIN: Great.
JANE: How was last night?
ROBIN: Ooh, it was good.
JANE: Good. Is Alex still here?
ROBIN: No, hes gone.
JANE: So you had a good time, huh?
ROBIN: Real good time until I found out you told him Ive got HIV.
JANE: Well, I didnt exactly tell him, you know.
ROBIN: No, I know. He guessed. You know, she looks like the kind of girl that tested positive for the AIDS virus. I dont know, shes got that kind of glow.
JANE: It slipped out.
ROBIN: What did you think you were doing, setting me up like that?
JANE: I thought I was doing a good thing. I mean, I know you like him and he likes you.
ROBIN: Yeah, great. Maybe hell ask me to go steady. Maybe hell take me to the prom.
JANE: Come on.
ROBIN: What, do you think Im stupid?
JANE: No. I dont think that at all.
ROBIN: You think that you can just put a man in my bed and Ill forget? All it does, if you want to know, all it does is remind me. Alex and you and Holly and her baby. Every single living thing I see reminds me.
JANE: So what are you going to do? Are you gonna hide in the house? Are you going to lock yourself away? Come on!
ROBIN: You dont know anything about it. Anyway, its none of your business. Youre the one thats in love with somebody that you can never have.
JANE: Do me a favor, okay? Ill stay out of your love life and you stay out of mine.
ROBIN: Not just my love life. My life. Stay out of my life!
JANE: Meaning what?
ROBIN: That means maybe this isnt working. Maybe you should move.
JANE: Okay.
ROBIN: And take that fucking piano! If you dont, Ill leave it out in the rain. I swear to God I will.
JANE: All right.
SCENE 61
ANNA: All the way back against the wall.
GIRL: Hi!
JANE: Hi.
GIRL: How are you? Are you going to teach me to play the piano?
ANNA: Is this gonna be good?
JANE: Thats fine.
SCENE 62
ABE: Hey, Babe?
HOLLY: Yeah?
ABE: Marry me.
HOLLY: Get serious!
ABE: I am serious.
HOLLY: Get out of town! Look.
ABE: Freeze, sucker.
HOLLY: I got you. Im gonna get you!
ABE: Marry me. Marry me tomorrow.
HOLLY: I cant marry you, Abe.
ABE: Youre not...youre not over him yet, are you?
HOLLY: Well, were all over him. Like, six feet over him.
SCENE 63
ROBIN: Mom?
SCENE 64
HOLLY: It was an accident, or self-defense. I mean, I would never kill anybody on purpose or like, in cold blood. Hey, did you ever see that movie?
ABE: Shh. Shh. Lets get some rest, okay?
HOLLY: You dont want to marry me now, do you?
ABE: Shh. Were together now. Were together. And thats not changing.
SCENE 65
ELAINE: Oh, she looks so thin....Look at you, Honey. Oh! They gave us a terrible map at Hertz. I have been driving around for an hour and a half. Is this your house? Oh, isnt it quaint. I need to use the little girls room, Darling.
ROBIN: Oh, sure, Mom.
ELAINE: This heat! The A/C is n.g., right Jer? You know me. I like so you need a sweater.
JERRY: Its two days. Itll be fine. Im Jerry.
ROBIN: Hi.
ELAINE: Oh, Im sorry! Robin, my daughter. Robin, Jerry.
ROBIN: Pleased to meet you....I told her I could have picked you up. You didnt need to get a car.
ELAINE: Well, you know me. Im so damn independent. Riding in other peoples cars, forget it. Well, isnt this nice? Oh, oh look Jer, a cactus flower. They bloom once every hundred years. Oh quick, show me the potty, Darling. Im about to burst.
SCENE 66
HOLLY: Anyway, um, Jane called me at work. Wants to know how you are.
ROBIN: Im fine.
ELAINE: Whos Jane?
ABE: Jane used to live here up until a few days ago.
ROBIN: Just stay out of this Holly. Its between me and Jane.
HOLLY: Well, she asked for my advice so I told her, shes an anti-lesbian.
ROBIN: I am not.
ELAINE: Whos a lesbian?
ROBIN: Jane is.
ELAINE: And she was living here?
ABE: Yes, maam.
ROBIN: I am not anti-lesbian.
HOLLY: Not you, her.
ELAINE: Who?
ROBIN: Jane.
HOLLY: See, this is her old problem. She creates a situation where she gets this rejection and everyone else sees it coming.
ROBIN: She just wasnt being honest.
HOLLY: Well, I think its a black thing, too.
ELAINE: Jane is black?
ABE: Yes, maam. She sure is.
ROBIN: And you cant live a lie. You just cant.
HOLLY: Well, theres lying and then theres just not telling.
ELAINE: Shes a black lesbian?
ABE: Yes, maam. Thats right.
ELAINE: And she was living here, with you?
HOLLY: No, no, no, no. She was just living here. They werent like, fucking or anything...Were you?
ELAINE: Were you?
ABE: Were you?
ROBIN: Ill get the coffee.
SCENE 67
ABE: I have to get going, Babe.
HOLLY: Why? Your shift doesnt start until 10:30. Dont you wanna go upstairs for a while?
ABE: No, not tonight. Um, it was nice meeting you maam.
ELAINE: Youre going already?
ABE: Yes.
ELAINE: We have dessert.
ABE: Maybe next time, thank you. Uh Robin, good night.
ROBIN: Good night.
HOLLY: Maybe Im just too fat now.
ELAINE: Dont worry, Dear. Its a natural thing.
SCENE 68
ELAINE: Will they live here after they get married?
ROBIN: Who?
ELAINE: Holly and um...oh, that nice young man. What is his name?
ROBIN: Oh, Abe...um...Well, Im not sure she wants to marry him.
ELAINE: A pregnant girl? Is she crazy? She should grab him.
ROBIN: Well, its not really his baby.
ELAINE: So what? She still should grab him. Believe me, I know what shes going to have to go through. You know, Im a feminist, too. I was a single mother after your father left. You think that was easy? I even voted for Carter twice. But you cant fight nature. God knows you girls keep trying. Treating your men like side dishes. Stick a fork in when needed. Just like men used to treat us.
ROBIN: Mother, who am I treating? Do you see a man here anywhere?
ELAINE: No, I dont. And I think its a problem.
SCENE 69
ELAINE: I dont understand why you dont come home.
ROBIN: I like it here, Mom.
ELAINE: Youre not exactly bubbling over with happiness.
ROBIN: Its a life, Mom. Its not a hayride.
SCENE 70
ELAINE: Honey, what is this? Oh my gosh! The police are here!
ROBIN: Yes, I see the police, Mother.
JANE: What the fuck is goin on? What the hell is goin on?
POLICE: Hold it.
JANE: Okay.
HOLLY: Jane, what are you doing here?
ABE: I called her. I thought that she should know.
ROBIN: Know what?
HOLLY: Hes arresting me.
ROBIN: What for?
ABE: You know what for, Robin. Pittsburgh.
JANE: You told him?
ABE: Yes, she told me. And I take this name seriously. I cannot tell a lie.
JANE: That was Washington, shmuck!
ABE: Whatever. Anyway, Im going to stand by Holly one-hundred percent. But I am sworn to uphold the law. And I dont believe I would be any use to her whatsoever if I broke my oath. Now would I?
HOLLY: He really loves me.
JANE: Oh yeah, I can tell by the manacles on your wrists!
ROBIN: Dont say a word. Not to him, not to anybody. Well get you a lawyer.
HOLLY: Ill miss you guys.
ABE: Now I promise you that they are going to treat her right. They know that she is going to be my future wife.
JANE: Son-of-a-bitch!
ELAINE: Honey, what in the world is going on? I feel like Ive just seen Americas Most Wanted in person.
JANE: This has got to be the mother.
ROBIN: Jane, please.
ELAINE: Yes, I am. And who are you?
JANE: Im the lesbo. I used to live here until your daughter threw me out.
ELAINE: Well, Im sorry.
ROBIN: Mother.
JANE: Yeah, me too. But I think this makes her real happy, because now shes got the whole house to herself.
ROBIN: Cut it out. Youre just being a baby. Jane, stop! You know, shes going to need our help.
JANE: No, not our help. Ill take care of this myself.
ROBIN: Okay.
JANE: Okay.
ROBIN: Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.
SCENE 71
ELAINE: They do that now, dont they?
ROBIN: What?
ELAINE: Call themselves lesbos.
ROBIN: Oh, Mom.
ELAINE: And she makes it sound like a compliment.
SCENE 72
HENRY: She wants to confess. She says she doesnt want to bring a child into a world of lies.
ABE: Well you have nothing to worry about Henry. Holly has promised me that she is going to keep her mouth shut as long as does not have to lie out loud.
JANE: We wouldnt even be here if wasnt for you, you brown-nosin putz!
ABE: I took an oath, Jane.
JANE: Yeah, you took a fucking oath, man. Now were stuck here in Pittsburgh and Hollys on trial because of your oath!
SCENE 73
JANE: So what exactly do they have?
HENRY: Nothing. Except for Abes testimony and thats just hearsay.
ABE: That is the truth.
JANE: Oh, shut up! Nobody wants to hear the truth. But aside from that, what do they have?
ABE: They...they have the Polaroid.
JANE: The Polaroid?
ABE: Yes. I mentioned that I had seen a snapshot.
HENRY: Its on the list of exhibits. I mean, come on. What the hell can they do with that?
SCENE 74
LAWYER: Cold blooded. Cruel. Inhuman. What words would you use to describe a woman who posed and took this photograph? This is a photograph of a man who in a few short hours will be dead from a wound inflicted by this woman that you see before you.
SCENE 75
LAWYER: ...and not surprisingly, everything that you say...everything that you say tends to exonerate your friend.
JANE: Sorry. Its just the truth.
LAWYER: And perhaps not coincidentally, it tends to exonerate you.
JANE: There are no charges against me.
LAWYER: Yet.
JANE: Oh, come on. Your Honor, is he allowed to just intimidate me like this?
JUDGE: Mr. Massarelli, please.
LAWYER: Oh, I apologize your Honor. It was unintentional. What is the nature of your friendship with Ms. Holly Pulchik?
JANE: Excuse me?
LAWYER: Oh, Im sorry. Let me rephrase the question. How would you characterize your friendship?
JANE: I would call her my friend. I mean, come on. What is this friendship stuff about?
LAWYER: Thats precisely what Im trying to find out. Let me put this delicately to avoid offending the court. Is there a romantic character to your friendship?
HENRY: Objection!
JUDGE: Over ruled. You may proceed Mr. Massarelli.
LAWYER: To repeat Ms. Deluca, is there a romantic character to your friendship with the defendant?
JANE: No, Mr. Massaralli, there is not.
LAWYER: Massarelli.
JANE: Im sorry. Unintentional.
LAWYER: You are, however, one of these gay women that we read about, or do you prefer lesbian?
JANE: Do I prefer them to you?
LAWYER: Are you gay?
JANE: Do I look gay?
LAWYER: Your Honor?
JUDGE: Please answer the question.
LAWYER: Are-you-gay?
JANE: Yes-I-am. And Im sure you hear that women all the time. And in my case, it happens to be true.
SCENE 76
JANE: (Talking on the telephone): Shes scared shitless, just like I would be after today. No, I dont want you to do that Anna, okay? I dont want you to do that. Ill call you tonight, all right? Good-bye. (To Abe): You shmuck!
ABE: You did your best.
JANE: Yeah, I did, which is more than I can say for you.
ABE: Justice is hard.
JANE: Justice? You call this justice? This girl protects herself against some marauding asshole who uses her body as a punching bag, and shes going to jail? You call that justice! Is that what you want?
ABE: I want Holly to be my wife. I want us to be a family.
JANE: Where, in the joint?
ABE: I dont know that. But I do know that there is no kind of family without the law. None whatsoever. Because the law that governs this society is the same law that holds the family together.
JANE: Where did you read that? On the side of a Cheerios box?
ABE: You think I love her less, now. But I dont. I love her more. And that is why I had to do this.
JANE: Come on. Come on! Come on!
SCENE 77
ELAINE: And they lived happily ever after.
ROBIN: Did I wake you?
ELAINE: No. I was just looking for a drink.
ROBIN: Theres beer.
ELAINE: No. I had some bourbon from the plane, but I seem to have finished it. What are you doing?
ROBIN: I thought somehow if I made this trip again, wed all be here at the end like this.
ELAINE: Oh, Honey. Nobody was happy in these pictures. Except maybe you. Tommy was already so frail. And your father....
ROBIN: Well, you loved him, didnt you?
ELAINE: Yes, I did. With all my heart. But I lost him. And Tommy, too. And thats that. You just have to let it go, Robin. Just let it go.
ROBIN: I cant.
ELAINE: Well, you have to, Darling. Because its never going to come out any differently, no matter how many times you make this trip.
ROBIN: I know that.
ELAINE: When we lost Tommy, well, your father just couldnt live with that. I dont blame him. Its not right, losing your children. Children are supposed to live after you. Oh, Honey. Are you crying? Oh my gosh. Do you know, I dont ever remember you crying. Even when you were a baby. Isnt that funny?
ROBIN: Ha! Ha! Ha! ...Im sorry.
ELAINE: I know that youre not well, Darling. I dont know what it is and I dont want to know. But I know youll get better. You were always the strong one. I cant lose you. I cant just lose everybody. I do the best I can, Honey. I know its not enough, and Im sorry. But thats what you get in life, you know? You get whoever you end up with. Whoever is willing to stick by you and fight for you when everyone else is gone. And it aint always who you expect. But you just have to make do.
ROBIN: Im not complaining, Mom.
ELAINE: Never complain. Never explain. Katherine Hepburn. She said that in Redbook last month. Its a good motto, isnt it?
SCENE 78
HENRY: The best I can do is to pretend like you never testified. Just go on like it never happened.
JANE: Go on to what?
HENRY: Honestly? I dont know.
ROBIN: All right, this is the situation. I am still angry. I do not forgive you for anything. And I dont want to talk about it. Anna filled me in. She told me everything I needed to know about the trial so far, and I know I can help. Because even if I cant, I couldnt make it any worse. And Holly is just as much my responsibility as everyone elses, and so are you. Because you are my family and I love you. Now, I feel fine. My T-cells are over a hundred and Im rarin to go. So, unless you want to waste time being stubborn, I suggest we get me on the stand as soon as possible.
SCENE 79
LAWYER: You expect us to believe that the defendant, pregnant with this mans child, would leave him and never look back?
ROBIN: It was over. He beat her and abused her. I saw. I saw how he treated her.
LAWYER: But not to call. Not to leave an address so he could forward her mail. And practical reasons aside, lets just say that she did strike a blow for self-defense. Lets just assume. And she decides to let him stew in his own juices for a while. But a couple of hours, a few days later she realizes, But hes my little babys daddy. And you know what? Hes not so bad. And sure, maybe hes got a temper. But all she knows is that she needs him. She needs to call him.
ROBIN: But it was over between them. I know you think a girl like her, the most important thing in her life is a man, but she didnt need him. She had us.
LAWYER: Well, I hardly think that youre a replacement for a father.
ROBIN: I dont know what it is, but, theres something that goes on between women. You men know that because its the same for you. Im not saying one sex is better than the other. Im just saying, like speaks to like. Love, or whatever, doesnt always keep, so you find out what does, if youre lucky.
LAWYER: Well, thank you for that very illuminating view of the war between the sexes. Are you a lesbian, too, Ms. Nickerson?
ROBIN: No, sir. But at times I understand the inclination.
LAWYER: Now, suppose there is this bond between women. Suppose men are disposable.
ROBIN: I didnt say that! I...
LAWYER: If thats the case, why should we believe you? Wouldnt you say anything, wouldnt you do anything to keep your sister, keep your bosom-buddy, so to speak, out of jail?
ROBIN: Im under oath. I wouldnt perjure myself.
LAWYER: Well, Im glad that I dont have to remind you of that. And, just for the record...You didnt know...You didnt know until the police told you, that this man was dead of his wounds?
ROBIN: If Im lying, may I be struck down with some terrible disease.
SCENE 80
HENRY: Okay! All right! Good news! Got an offer. Involuntary manslaughter with extenuating circumstances.
ABE: One to two years, parole after six months.
HENRY: I got you minimum security in Arizona, two hours from home, and good medical care.
HOLLY: Id hate to have my baby in jail.
ROBIN: What are the chances for an acquittal?
HENRY: Well, hes dead as a result of her actions, and, juries want to make someone pay for that. She didnt testify in her own defense, and Im not sure how much good you did her.
HOLLY: I mean, my baby will have a mother whos a convicted felon. I dont know. What do you think?
EVERYONE: Well, by the time...
HOLLY: I mean Abe. What do you think about that, Babe?
ABE: I think that you should take it. And I will keep the baby until you get out.
ROBIN: Yeah, but...
HOLLY: Thats what Ill do, then.
HENRY: Fine. Ill tell them well take it.
HOLLY: I love you.
ABE: I gotta get in there with you.
HOLLY: Do you?
ABE: I want you so much.
HOLLY: Could we have a minute?
JANE: Yeah. Well see you later.
HOLLY: Oh Abe. I missed you so much!
JANE: Well, so much for the bonds between women.
ROBIN: You cant fight that.
JANE: You were pretty good in there. What ever happened to honesty is the best policy?
ROBIN: You dont want to go overboard.
JANE: You know, Ive been thinkin and thinkin and thinkin about this and I want to say it. Im really, really sorry. I truly am.
ROBIN: Yeah, me, too. I get so angry so fast. Its just its...lonely. Between me and everybody else theres all this space all the time and it gets bigger and bigger and...Im on one side, you know...and, Im screaming and the one person I think Im holding is afraid of it, too.
JANE: Im holding you.
ROBIN: There will not be anymore lies between us, not even for my own good.
JANE: No maam.
ROBIN: Good.
JANE: Im gonna go call Anna, shes got a...
ROBIN: Okay.
JANE: Yeah?
ROBIN: Go ahead....
JANE: Wait a minute. Whats the matter? Hey! Hey! Hey! Abe! ABE!
SCENE 81
JANE: (Talking on the telephone): Elaine? Jane. Listen. Im sorry to wake you, but were back in Tucson and shes in the hospital.
SCENE 82 Elaine runs to the hospital and finds Robin laying in bed in her room.
SCENE 83 Alex meets Jane at the hospital.
SCENE 84
PSYCHIC: What curse, Honey? Who?
JANE: One of my friends. Remember when I came to see you, you said there was a curse on a friend of mine? Its my friend, Robin. Shes...Look, you know, I dont believe in this stuff. You know that. I just thought it couldnt hurt to come and see you.
PSYCHIC: Oh, Robin. Thats the girl with AIDS. Annas friend.
JANE: Shes my friend.
PSYCHIC: Oh, boy uh, lets see...
JANE: So can you do it?
PSYCHIC: Do what?
JANE: Take the curse off of her. You said you could...
PSYCHIC: Its AIDS, Honey.
JANE: I know that, but right now its just a lung infection, see, and...I dont want a miracle. I just want to give her a 51-49 shot. I mean look, I brought money. I could pay you right now.
PSYCHIC: Pay when it works. I cant promise anything.
SCENE 85
JANE: Dont wake her up.
NURSE: Just doing my job. (To Elaine): Is that a cold? She cant afford an infection. Ill have to mask you.
JANE: Are you blind? Cant you see shes been crying? Its her mother.
NURSE: People think that theyre being nice but they come here with colds and its not a nice...
JANE: Its not a goddamn cold. Dont be such a hoo-hoo!
NURSE: And whats a hoo-hoo?
ELAINE: Its a cunt, Dear. Now why dont you leave us alone?
SCENE 86
ROBIN: Tommy? Tommy?
JANE: Hey. Its just me.
ROBIN: I know.
JANE: Okay.
ROBIN: Wheres Mom?
JANE: She had to go back to the house.
ROBIN: Will you call her?
JANE: Sure. (Talking to Elaine on the telephone): Yeah, hi. Uh, shes asking for you. (To Robin): Do you want me to get a doctor?
ROBIN: No. No....I had a crush on a woman once. I was ten.
JANE: Thats when I had crushes on boys.
ROBIN: She was a strawberry blonde. Thats what my mom called her. She was a baby-sitter at the hotel we stayed at right before my Dad went to Vietnam. She was beautiful. Strawberry blonde.
JANE: I used to be a strawberry blonde, too.
ROBIN: It was me you loved, wasnt it?
JANE: Yeah. Still do.
ROBIN: Well, I loved you, too. I dont want a funeral, but Mom will. But its got to be here. Dont let her take me back to San Diego.
JANE: Okay.
ROBIN: And afterwards, have a big party at the house. Okay?
JANE: Okay.
ROBIN: Big party.
JANE: A big party.
SCENE 87
NURSE: You can do it! Push! Push! Come on Holly, you can do it! Push right into it. Take a deep breath. Good! Perfect! Perfect! Perfect!
DOCTOR: Give us a real good push now....The head is coming.
SCENE 88 Abe visits Holly in the hospital.
SCENE 89
ABE: I wanted to be here to help her with the breathing and everything.
JANE: Next time. Next time. Have you ever seen one of these things?
ABE: Uh uh.
JANE: Theyre really ugly.
ABE: Where are they?
JANE: Lets go. Whoa, wait a minute! Come on, man!
SCENE 90
ABE: Firstad. Mitchell. Pulchik.
JANE: Dont look at me.
SCENE 91
EVERYONE: Welcome back!
ABE: You made it. Youre back home.
ELAINE: Isnt she beautiful?
HOLLY: Hi, little one. Hello. Welcome. Welcome Mary Todd. (Holly hands the baby to Robin).
JANE: Push it right out.
SCENE 92 Everyone is singing Mellow Yellow at the party outside.
SCENE 93
JANE: It was rough goin in there. But she managed to pull herself through, you know. And the next day the Pentamidine kicked in, so....
HOLLY: What are her T-cells now?
JANE: Uh, theyre about 35. They were under 20 before.
HOLLY: She just...she doesnt look good.
JANE: She looks great.
SCENE 94
JANE: Everyone, welcome Holly home, with her new baby and her new husband Abe. Were all glad to be here with our friends. And I want you right now, ladies and gentlemen, to put your hands together and give a round of warm applause, to 1983s fourth runner-up in the Star Search talent competition!
ELAINE: No! No! No! Jane! Jane! It was third runner-up, not fourth. I told her. Fourth was this terrible little boy tap dancer with pimples. He only got that far because he cheated. I mean, that is the only reason that I...
ALEX: Elaine.
ELAINE: What?
JERRY: Shut up.
ELAINE: Jerry!
ROBIN: (Singing): Every time I look into your loving eyes...I see love that money just cant buy...
JANE: (Singing): One look, from you...I drift away...I pray that you are here to stay...Anything you want, you got it...Anything you need, you got it...Anything at all, you got it...Baby...Every time I hold you I begin to understand...Everything about you tells me that Im your best friend...So I live my life to be with you... Cause no one can do the things you do...Anything you want, you got it...Anything you need, you got it...Anything at all, you got it...Baby...Anything you need...Anything you want...you got it...Anything you need, you got it...
SCENE 95 Jane looks at Robins empty wheelchair.
HOLLY: Ready to go?
JANE: Yeah.
HOLLY: Okay. But you better be back for Christmas because Mary Todds expecting you.
JANE: Yeah, I will.
HOLLY: You make sure you call me as soon as you get to L.A. I want to know how the audition goes.
JANE: Okay, Mom!
