Boys on the side

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Boys on the Side

Boys on the Side


JANE:     Thank you.  I’m Jane DeLuca, this is Johnny Figgis, and our band.

MAN:      I’m going to take a leak, Babe.

WOMAN:    Bye.

JANE:     Did you see that bitch, man?

JOHNNY:   Fuck her.

JANE:     I’m going to fuck her!

JOHNNY:   Wait!  J...J...Jane!

JANE:     Girl, that man is so fine!

WOMAN:    Yeah, actually he is.

JANE:     Is this your first date?

WOMAN:    Mm hm.  Listen, do you need to clear something?  Go ahead and take everything, just leave us the glasses.

JANE:     No, I was the singer up there.  You didn’t see me?  I was like signaling and going like this to you.

WOMAN:    What are you talking about?

JANE:     You don’t know?  Oh Baby!  You had the biggest, greenest thing hanging out of your nose, so I kept going like this.

WOMAN:    Oh my God.  You could see it from up there?

JANE:     Baby, it looked like Gumby doing Tarzan.  It was huge!

WOMAN:    Oh my God!  All right.

JANE:     You know.


MAN:      You blew my rent, man!  I had an important A &R guy coming down and you fucked me!  You know what?  You’re outta here!  You’re canceled!  Forget it!

JOHNNY:   No, you can’t...Hey, wait!

MAN:      Wait for what?  Till you learn to sing?

JANE:     What’s up with him?  What did he want?

JOHNNY:   You wanna know what’s up with him?  That son-of-a-bitch just fucked us!


JANE:     You know, this town is dead for me anyway.  We got that gig in L.A., we’ll just leave a little early.

JOHNNY:   Yeah, well maybe this is trying to telling us something.  You know what I’m saying?

JANE:     Yeah, it’s telling us we’re fucking fired!  That’s what it’s telling us.

JOHNNY:   Well, no, not just this.  I mean, maybe L.A. isn’t the answer to our problems.

JANE:     Well, what does that mean?

JOHNNY:   Well, Tommy hooked me up with some studio work in the city.  It’s good money.  It’s in the city.  And I’ve got to think of Debbie here, you know?

JANE:     Oh, Debbie?  Isn’t that the little girl in Queens who sets her hair everyday, this is suddenly a factor?

TAXI:     Yo!  Get the fuck outta the way!

JANE:     You get the fuck out of my way!  Do you understand?  Go back to Pakistan!

JOHNNY:   Look, I’ve gotta be realistic here, all right?  I’ve got to look ahead.  I mean, how long have you’ve been doing this shit?  What, for seventeen years?  Look...

JANE:     Look, what?  Look, what?!

JOHNNY:   I don’t want that to happen to me, okay?

JANE:     You should be so lucky!

JOHNNY:   Hey, I got priorities here, you know!

JANE:     You know, she’s holding you back, man.  Everybody says it.  She’s like Yoko with bangs!

JOHNNY:   They don’t say that she’s holding me back, okay?  Look.  All I’m saying is, don’t go to L.A.  All right?  I mean, even if you don’t got shit going on here, you still got all that voice-over stuff...

JANE:     Let me tell you something, man.  You stay here.  You stay here and you play daddy, okay?  I’m gone.

JOHNNY:   Jane!

SCENE 4   Jane is packing her things, finds an advertisement in the newspaper asking for a driver to drive to the west coast.


JANE:     That was in ‘78.  I was supposed to be the new Aretha, but the old Aretha was the new Aretha and I was neither one, so I was something that no one had ever seen before.

ROBIN:    Sure.

JANE:     So I’m gettin’ the fuck out!  (To waitress):  Could I get some french fries, please?

WAITRESS: Coming right up.

JANE:     You know, head down to L.A., get some gigs going, get the heat happening.

ROBIN:    Well, great.  That’s perfect because I can drop you there, and then head on to San Diego on my own.

JANE:     Great.

ROBIN:    You know, I used to sing, too.

JANE:     Oh really?

ROBIN:    Mm hm.  Nothing professional.  Mostly amateur talent competitions.

JANE:     Oh, “Star Search” or something?

ROBIN:    Sort of.  Only I never made it that far.  I played the piano and sang.

JANE:     What did you sing?

ROBIN:    “Way Over Yonder.”  Carole King.  “Close to You.”  The Carpenters.  It was the seventies.

JANE:     “Close to You”?

ROBIN:    You know, why do birds suddenly appear every time you appear, “Just like me, they long to be...”

JANE:     Yeah, I know.  I know.  Why San Diego?

ROBIN:    Well, why not?  You know.  I’m in real estate, and right now the market is just unbelievably bad.  And I think sometimes you have to make a change.  You have to take control and say:  “Things are going to be different.  I can make them different if I believe in them in my heart.” 

JANE:     Hey, fuck “Star Search.”  You should have been Miss America.


ROBIN:    Um, I hope you don’t mind my mentioning this:  no smoking in the car.

JANE:     What do you mean, no smoking?

ROBIN:    No smoking in the car.

JANE:     Whatsoever?

ROBIN:    I’m going uptown.  Can I give you a lift?  Yoo hoo!  Taxi!

JANE:     No, I have a car.  One in which I smoke...

ROBIN:    So what do you think?  I think it could work.

JANE:     I’ll let you know in a couple of days, okay?

ROBIN:    Because I really need to leave, as soon as possible, and I just don’t want to it alone.  I don’t think that would be safe.  And you’re the first person that answered the ad.  I think that’s a sign of something.  I think you’d be fine.  I mean, I think our personalities would mesh.

JANE:     Look, Robin, right?  You’re a nice lady and I’m sure there’s a lot of things about yourself that you just can’t help and I understand that.  But I don’t fuckin’ think we mesh at all.  And I’m sure there’s somebody out there who wants to go cross country with the whitest woman on the face of the earth, singing Carpenter songs and reliving childhood memories.  But it ain’t me.  (To tow truck driver):  Hey!  That’s my car, man!  Hey!  That’s my car!  Hey!  That’s my car!

ROBIN:    That’s gonna cost at least $200 to get your car back.


MAN:      Okay, Jane.  Good luck in L.A., man.  Earthquakes, fires, riots...they got some real crazy bastards out there in California.  I don’t know why you want to go out there anyway.  (To other mover):  Hey, easy with that piano!

SCENE 8   Robin is packing, putting notes on everything.

SCENE 9   Jane is packing her tapes.

SCENE 10  Robin lies awake in bed.


ROBIN:    Good morning!


JANE:     Listen, I’ve got a friend in Pittsburgh.  Do you mind if we stop, pick her up and take her out for lunch?

ROBIN:    No, absolutely.  No problem.  Deal.  (Takes picture):  Smile!  (Remembers childhood memory):  My brother threw up, right here, near Exit 7.  I remember, we pulled over.

JANE:     How come he’s not making this trek with you down memory lane?  Or does he have a life?

ROBIN:    He doesn’t, as a matter of fact.  He died of cancer when he was six.

JANE:     Oh, man.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  Man.

ROBIN:    Would you mind if I used your headphones?

JANE:     No, go ahead.



MACHINE:  “Hi, you’ve reached Nick and Holly, leave a message...(Jane hangs up).


WOMAN:    There’s a sick lady in the bathroom.  Is she with somebody here?

WAITRESS: She’s outside.

WOMAN:    Is that your friend in there in the bathroom?

JANE:     Yeah.

WOMAN:    Girl, you better get in there.  She’s in there throwin’ up.

JANE:     Thanks.


JANE:     Hey, are you all right?

ROBIN:    That stupid woman.  I told her I was fine.

JANE:     You look like shit.

ROBIN:    Thank you.  Allergies.  I have allergies.  They come and they go.  Some people think it’s all in my head.  Do you ever knock?

JANE:     Not in a public toilet, no.


JANE:     I’m really sorry.  It’s probably because I brought your brother up.

ROBIN:    Oh, no no.  It’s not that.  I’m fine.  I’ll be fine if we just keep moving.  It’s not that...You smell like an ashtray.


JANE:     (Talking on the phone):  I’m just goin’ down to L.A. to...(Robin knocks on the door):  What?!

ROBIN:    Are you getting HBO?  Because we’re supposed to get HBO and it’s not on mine.

JANE:     I don’t know.  I’m on the phone here.

ROBIN:    Oh, I’m sorry.

JANE:     No, come in and check.  Come in.  (Talking on the phone):  Yes, I’m on my way to L.A. and I thought I’d stop by and see you...No, no, I said Tuesday or Wednesday.  Are you okay?  No, it’s just...All right, no, I’ll wait.

ROBIN:    “The Way We Were” is on.  Robert Redford.  Barbara Streisand.  “The Way We Were.”

JANE:     I don’t get out much.

ROBIN:    It was twenty years ago.  Oh great, you’ve got it.  Do you mind?

JANE:     No, please.  Please.  (Talking on the telephone):  No, I’m here.  No, I figured we’d come by tomorrow around noon.  Are you okay?  I mean, is it Nick?  No, fine, fine.  All right.  Yeah, no...I’ll see you then.  Good-bye.

ROBIN:    Is that your friend in Pittsburgh?

JANE:     Yeah.  If she is still my friend.

ROBIN:    That’s nice.  I don’t really have any girlfriends.  My mom always felt, you know, you can’t trust women.

JANE:     I don’t know about that.

ROBIN:    Oh, come on.  Men know all about PMS.  Somebody talked.


ROBIN:    Oh!  That gets me the way she like brushes his hair off his forehead.  That really gets me.

JANE:     So, which one of them were you?  The one who loved too much or the one who loved too little?

ROBIN:    Neither.  I’m the one who spent three years at Happy Hour and never went home with anybody except the bartender.

JANE:     Well, the bartender is somebody.

ROBIN:    Yeah.  He was somebody, all right.  I don’t know...I don’t know about men.  I just don’t get it.

JANE:     Maybe you’re not into them.

ROBIN:    You

JANE:     Maybe you don’t know.

ROBIN:    I think I scare them away because I know what I want.

JANE:     Oh well, tell me.  What do you want?

ROBIN:    It’s not very liberated, I know...I want a husband with a decent job, you know.  And, I want two kids, a boy and a girl, in that order, and a soap box colonial with three bedrooms, a sun porch, a stairway with a white banister, and a convertible den.

JANE:     You could’ve been Donna Reed in another life.

ROBIN:    Anyway, I didn’t get it.

JANE:     That’s all right, there’s always time.

ROBIN:    Yeah.

JANE:     Is that why you left New York?  Because that bartender did you wrong.

ROBIN:    Something like that...8:00 tomorrow, okay?  If you want to get to Pittsburgh by twelve.  Goodnight.

JANE:     Goodnight.  Thanks for the movie.


ROBIN:    Well, I looked around, got into real estate.  That’s where the performing really paid off.  Sizing up situations, handling people, getting what you want from them without them really knowing, you know.  Control.

JANE:     Don’t worry, you don’t have to come in.  Oh, I hate this belt.

ROBIN:    It’s for your own protection if something were to...

JANE:     I know.


JANE:     (Knocking on the door):  Hey Holly!  Hey Holly!  Hey!  Hey!  Hey!

HOLLY:    Jane!

JANE:     Hey.

HOLLY:    Hi.

JANE:     Hi!

HOLLY:    You look good.

JANE:     Thanks!  Thanks.  You, too....What’s the matter?

NICK:     Holly!

HOLLY:    Look, something’s come up, Nick’s in a mood.  Could we do this another time?

JANE:     Hey, we’re on the road here!  Look, I’ll handle it.  I’ll fix it.  Let me talk to him!

HOLLY:    Jane!

JANE:     Jesus Christ!

NICK:     Holly!

HOLLY:    He thinks he’s lost something.

JANE:     I thought you said he was clean.

HOLLY:    Well, he is.  I mean, he has nine months in NA.  He’s just dealing.  And, you know, he has a drink and he gets confused.

NICK:     Holly!  If you cleaned this fuckin’ place up maybe I’d be able to find my shit!  (To Jane):  What the fuck are doing here?!

JANE:     Hello Nick.  I’m just passin’ through.  We’ll catch you later.  (To Holly):  C’mon.

NICK:     You think you’re going somewhere?!

JANE:     Nick!  Nick!  Nick!  Nick!  Don’ a prick.

NICK:     Stick to what you know, Jane.  That’s something about you girls I could never figure out.  What’s sex like without a dick?

JANE:     I don’t know, man.  You tell me.

NICK:     Fuck you!

JANE:     You wish.  (To Holly):  Come on.

NICK:     You ain’t goin’ nowhere!

JANE:     Hey man!

NICK:     This is bullshit!

ROBIN:    All you all right?

JANE:     Uh huh.

NICK:     Who the fuck are you?!

ROBIN:    Hi, how are you?  (To Jane):  Are we going?

JANE:     Yes.

NICK:     Nobody’s going anywhere until I get my coke!  This bitch!  She stole it!  She ain’t seein’ daylight until she gives it up.

HOLLY:    You don’t remember shit when you’re drinking, you asshole!  You stole it Tuesday night.

NICK:     You remember the last time I called you a liar?  Is that the way you want me to play this?!

ROBIN:    Guys!  Guys!  Guys!  My hunch is, our two positions might be a lot closer than we think.  Who do you believe he sold it to?

HOLLY:    Frank.  This guy uptown.  A friend.

JANE:     Hey, Nick!

ROBIN:    Jane.  Let me close this.  Where’s his number?

HOLLY:    It’s on the wall.

ROBIN:    I’m Robin, by the way.  You must be Holly.

HOLLY:    Hi!  It’s really nice to meet you.

ROBIN:    Me, too.

HOLLY:    Um, I really like your hair.

ROBIN:    Oh, thanks.  The beauty parlor really messed with it.  You know how they never understand.  (Talking on the telephone):  Is Frank there?  Yeah.  (Hands the phone to Nick).

NICK:     Frank.  You score any coke off me Tuesday night?  Yeah.  How much?  Mm hm.  That’s what I thought!  Holly’s saying you did!  All right, later...So I sold it to him.

ROBIN:    Okay, fine.  Let’s go.

NICK:     Where’s the fucking money?!

HOLLY:    Oh man!

JANE:     Give us a fuckin’ break.

ROBIN:    Where’s the money?

HOLLY:    He hides it.  He always does.  The same three or four places and I’m not telling.

ROBIN:    Tell me where.

HOLLY:    I tell you to write it down but you never do, so forget it.

NICK:     You stole it.  Jane, you know her.  She’s a liar and a thief.  It’s not her fault.  It’s her fucking nature!

JANE:     Get the fuck away from me.

NICK:     Fuck you, too, man!  No fucking trust here!  Get the fuck up!  That’s what fucking hurts!  Ahh, Jesus fucking...Ahh (Holly hits Nick over the head with a baseball bat).

JANE:     What the fuck is wrong with you?  Are you crazy?!

HOLLY:    Did I hurt him?

JANE:     What do you mean “Did I hurt him?”  You hit him with a bat!  I’m gonna call the cops, okay?

NICK:     Oh fuck...

HOLLY:    He’s alive.

JANE:     Give me the bat!  Give it to me right now!

NICK:     I’m gonna kill you, Holly.  I’m gonna fuckin’ kill you...

JANE:     No!

ROBIN:    Time out!  Nobody move.  Jane, give me the bat, please.  Holly, don’t tease him.  And Nick, you have some real like ability issues.  Now who has tape?


JANE:     I do not feel good about this.

ROBIN:    Oh, what would you like to do?  Call the police?  They’ll arrest them both.  There’s drugs everywhere.

JANE:     What are you doing?

HOLLY:    Oh, nothing.

JANE:     What are you doing?

HOLLY:    Just the cash.  I’m clean.

JANE:     No.  We’re not taking drug money on the road.  Put it back.

HOLLY:    Well, it’s not like you can tell by looking at it.

JANE:     Okay, you have a point.  We’ll just take half.  All right?  And, we are not taking drugs with us on the road with us either, so give them here.  Thank you.

HOLLY:    You’re welcome.

ROBIN:    Okay.  We’ll take the gag off when we leave and there will be four hours of loud music, after which point you’ll will scream for help.  Meanwhile, work on the tape.  Okay?  Phone’s in the kitchen.  Water.

JANE:     Yeah.

ROBIN:    Thanks, hon.  Right here.  Everyone go potty, we don’t want to have to stop!

HOLLY:    I went.

JANE:     Look what she’s doing!

ROBIN:    Don’t tease the animal!  Come on.  Go!  Go!  Go!

NICK:     I’m gonna kill you Holly!  I’m gonna kill you!  Holly!

ROBIN:    Let’s go!  Don’t worry.  I feel really firmly about it.  All right, buckle up!

JANE:     Would you close the door!


JANE:     I am not going over a cliff for you two, so just forget it.

SCENE 23  Nick frees himself from the tape.


HOLLY:    I’ve got some friends in St. Louis.  You remember Linda.  I can stay with her.  So, where are you guys going?

ROBIN:    Los Angeles, then San Diego.

JANE:     Yeah, and you’re not coming.

HOLLY:    Bummer.

JANE:     Listen.  Why did you stay with this guy so long?

HOLLY:    A lot of that back there was drugs.  You know, they really fuck him up.

ROBIN:    But he’s a really nice guy underneath?

HOLLY:    Well, I wouldn’t go that far.

JANE:     It’s the sex.  Come on, let’s be frank, okay.  He was great in bed.  Am I right?

HOLLY:    Sometimes.  I don’t know, I mean, I think that there’s something beyond sex.

JANE:     Yeah, me.

HOLLY:    Well, I don’t know, but I certainly didn’t like his attitude and I’m going to think long and hard before I take him back.

JANE:     You go, girl.



MACHINE:  “Hi, you’ve reached Nick and Holly.  Leave a message after the beep and we’ll get back to you.”

NICK:     Oh, my fuckin’ head!  (Nick falls down dead).


HOLLY:    Thank you, really?  Oh my God, are you kidding?  That “Dance Fever” was my favorite.  I thought Danny Tarragon was the coolest guy I ever heard...

JANE:     Would you look at her!  It’s pathological, man.

ROBIN:    She’s young.

JANE:     I guess.  How you doing?

ROBIN:    I’m fine.  A little tired.

JANE:     You were great back there.  You must have sold a ton of condos.

ROBIN:    It was kind of fun.  Adrenaline.

JANE:     You were very frightening.  I was very proud of you.

HOLLY:    Um, it was very nice meeting you.


HOLLY:    Yes!  (To Jane):  Is Robin asleep already?

JANE:     Yeah, you know, she gets tired real easy.

HOLLY:    You know, she doesn’t look so good. 

JANE:     She has all those allergies, man.  You know, they come and go.  Did you call Linda yet?

HOLLY:    Yeah, I was just thinking.  You guys can just go ahead and leave tomorrow and I’ll just grab a bus.

JANE:     Well why?  We’re going right through St. Louis.  I mean, it’s no big deal...Oh, you’re going back, aren’t you?

HOLLY:    Might as well.

JANE:     What do you mean, “Might as well”?  This is a guy who kicks your ass all the time.  This is not love, Honey.

HOLLY:    Yeah, maybe you’re right.

JANE:     Look.  The man is going to kill you.  We humiliated him.  We tied him up.  Come on!

HOLLY:    I mean, I can’t always do what you think I should do.  Like, we’ve been there, Jane.

JANE:     Fine.  I just don’t understand why you keep setting yourself up to get hurt.  That’s all.

HOLLY:    You should talk.

JANE:     What does that mean?

HOLLY:    Look, you’ve guys have been really great and I really like Robin, and I just hope you know that she’s not gay.

JANE:     Well, so what?

HOLLY:    So, that’s what I meant by saying, “You should talk.”


FRANK:    Hey Nick.  Nick?  Oh shit!


MAN:      Passengers with tickets, please go directly to the forwarding area.  Those passengers still needing tickets, please purchase them at the ticket window.  Please take all luggage to the baggage loading area.

ROBIN:    Here we are.  Okay.  Take care of yourself.

HOLLY:    You, too.  Get some sunshine, okay?

ROBIN:    Okay.

HOLLY:    Promise?

ROBIN:    Yeah.

HOLLY:    Okay.  Take care of yourself.

ROBIN:    Okay.

HOLLY:    Bye, Jane.

JANE:     Bye.

HOLLY:    She’ll get over it.  See ya.


WOMAN:    Thank you.

ROBIN:    It’s her life.

JANE:     Yeah, but she gives us all a bad name with that “I’m addicted to a bad guy” stuff.

ROBIN:    Well...

WOMAN #2: Thank you.  I hope that everything was satisfactory.

JANE:     Um, actually, the green on number eight is a little rough.

WOMAN #2: Oh really?  Well, we’ll check it out as soon as we can.  Is there anything else?


ROBIN:    Jane!

JANE:     What?  What?  Why are you screaming like that?  What?!  (They see in the newspaper that Nick is dead).  Oh shit.


ROBIN:    Move closer!  Just a little bit closer.  Okay.

JANE:     There she is.

ROBIN:    Okay.  Holly!  Holly!  HOLLY!  HOLLY!  Holly!  Nick...dead!  No...Nick...dead!  Sounds like “head!”  Oh, wait a minute.  I have a good idea.  (Writes the French word for “dead” on the window).

JANE:     What are you writing?

ROBIN:    “Morre.”

JANE:     She’s not going to know what...

ROBIN:    It’s French for “dead!”  I can’t write dead...!

HOLLY:    Who’s Morty?

ROBIN:    (Holds newspaper up to window)  Dead!  Get off the bus!


HOLLY:    Oh, I can’t believe this.  I mean, he was alive when we left!  I have a photo.  Do you think it would help?  Poor Nick.  He was such a nice guy, once in a while.

JANE:     Stop with the “nice guy’ stuff.  They have to believe this was self-defense. 

HOLLY:    Who’s “they”?

JANE:     What do you mean, “Who’s they?”  The cops in Pittsburgh.

HOLLY:    Oh!  You want me to go back there?

JANE:     Yeah!

HOLLY:    Now?

JANE:     Yes!

HOLLY:    I couldn’t.

JANE:     Why not?

HOLLY:    Memories.

JANE:     What fuckin’ memories?

ROBIN:    Why does she have to go back?  Why don’t we just pretend we never saw it?

JANE:     Please tell me you’re kidding.

ROBIN:    No.  When we left, he was alive.  How do we know that what she did killed him?

HOLLY:    Exactly!  I mean, he could have tripped and hit his head on the bat.  It could happen.

JANE:     No!  You’re going back.  This is not a game.

HOLLY:    I can’t go to jail.  Not with the baby.

ROBIN:    What baby, Honey?

HOLLY:    I’m eight weeks pregnant.

JANE:     What?  You were going to bring a baby into that house?

HOLLY:    Oh, like what were my options?

JANE:     How about abortion?

HOLLY:    I couldn’t do that.  I’d feel like a murderer.

JANE:     Honey, you are a murderer!

HOLLY:    Oh God.  To think it’s possible that I killed my baby’s daddy.

JANE:     To think it’s possible?  You hit him in the head with a baseball bat--he’s dead!

HOLLY:    No!  To think it’s possible that Nick is the daddy?


ROBIN:    We never saw the newspaper.  She hit him in self-defense.  She split.  She’s never gonna see him again.  I’ll call my lawyer in New York.  He’ll tell us what to do.  If we have to go back, we’ll say we came as soon as we found out.

JANE:     That’s fine with me.  I suggest we keep driving.  We sleep in shifts.  The farther away from that body I get, the happier I’ll be.


HOLLY:    She wrote, “The Ballad of the Lonely Masturbater,” here, try this it’s really good... “The Celebration of my Uterus,” and...

ROBIN:    Oh, no no, Holly.  Stop the car!  Stop it!

HOLLY:    Oh fine!  I’ll go get it.  All right!


HOLLY:    See, Nick had this house with this drummer that Jane knew.  And we’d all hang out together.  But then Nick pissed some people off and we had to move to Pittsburgh...Can I have a bite of that?  Yeah,’s been a long couple of days.

ROBIN:    Tell me about it.

HOLLY:    Jane’s been so great to me.  I mean, at first she just liked me because of the whole “gay thing.” 

ROBIN:    Jane’s gay?

HOLLY:    Like, hello!  You didn’t know?

ROBIN:    I don’t know, I just...Don’t look!  It’s okay.  It’s okay.

HOLLY:    Anyway, she just got dumped so you know, rebound time.

ROBIN:    Oh.

HOLLY:    I know, eew gross.  But don’t worry.  She won’t try anything, especially not after me.  I told her that is was a real self-hating thing to get crushes on straight girls.

ROBIN:    But this person that dumped her, she’s gay, right?

HOLLY:    Yeah, but I mean even with gay girls, there are no guarantees.  They’re very emotional.  That’s about all I know.  They love uniforms, and don’t break their hearts.

ROBIN:    Uniforms?

HOLLY:    Oh yeah, all kinds.  Especially U.P.S.

WAITRESS: Will that be all?

ROBIN:    Yeah.

WAITRESS: I’ll get the check.

ROBIN:    Thanks.

HOLLY:    Not that I’m an expert.  I mean, she’s the only one I’ve seen, except for the ones in the porno tapes Nick used to rent...I’m sorry.  It’s just every time I think of his little ways...

SCENE 37  Jane, Robin and Holly are driving, listening to music and singing.


ROBIN:    Try to look a little more western.  That’s good.

JANE:     Take the picture!

ROBIN:    You sort of need to something.

JANE:     Here. 

ROBIN:    That’s cute.  (Robin has a childhood memory)


JANE:     Hey!  Hey!  Hey! Hey!  Hey!  Who you calling?  Who you calling?

HOLLY:    I was calling a friend.

JANE:     Uh uh, no, you can’t call that friend, he’s dead.  And you’re not supposed to know he’s dead.

HOLLY:    But...I want my friend.  I want Nick!


JANE:     Hey, will you come talk to Holly, please.

ROBIN:    Don’t come in!

JANE:     What’s the matter?


DOCTOR:   Ms. DeLuca?

JANE:     Yes.

DOCTOR:   Susan Newbauer.  She asked me to talk to you.  It’s pneumonia.  We’ll have to keep her here for a couple of days.

JANE:     Can we see her?

DOCTOR:   Tomorrow, after eleven.  Just go on up to the eighth floor.  It’s typical in this kind of AIDS-related pneumonia.

JANE:     AIDS?  You tellin’ me she’s got AIDS?

DOCTOR:   Yes.  I’m sorry, I thought you knew.

JANE:     No, I didn’t.

DOCTOR:   She’s okay.  She’ll be out in less than a week.


JANE:     How ya doin’?

ROBIN:    Okay.  I’m sorry.

JANE:     For what?  It’s not like you knew this was going to happen.

ROBIN:    I thought...if I could just go somewhere else...I could make it...not happen.  I shouldn’t have lied to you.

JANE:     It wasn’t a lie, exactly.  It was more like a sinful omission.  Can I sit down?

ROBIN:    Sure.

JANE:     So I guess now we’re even.

ROBIN:    How so?

JANE:     Well, Holly told me that you didn’t know I was gay.  I don’t want you to worry because...You know, I’m not after you.

ROBIN:    I’m not worried....Why?

JANE:     Luck of the draw, I guess.

ROBIN:    No, I mean, why aren’t you after me?

JANE:     ‘Cause you’re not my type.

ROBIN:    Oh....Gee....Is this a black-white thing?

JANE:     It’s more like, uh, blondes-Carpenter thing....You’re safe with me.  Um, is there somebody I should call or something, like family?

ROBIN: mother?  We don’t communicate much.  I mean, we’re...What about you?  You’ve got to get to L.A.  Would you get me some more ice?

JANE:     Sure.


JANE:     What is it?  Wait!  Wait!  Wait!  WAIT!  What is it?  Are you in pain?

ROBIN:    No.

JANE:     What is it?

ROBIN:    I don’t know where to go.  I don’t have any place to go...I don’t know...anyplace...

JANE:     Okay.  Okay.  Okay.  Sometimes, if you don’t have any place to go, it’s probably a good idea to stay where you are.  Okay?  All right, here, um...put your arm around me...Jesus, your weight....This might be the wrong time to bring this up, but...where the fuck are we?  I mean, really.  Where are we?

ROBIN:    Tucson.

JANE:     As in Arizona?  Are you serious?  Hey, you know what this means?  I’m gonna have to go out and get some cowboy boots....What about a horse?

SCENE 43  Tucson.  Three months later.

HOLLY:    Okay, good.  No, I’m just gonna go straight from work.  Yeah.  Yeah!  Okay.

ROBIN:    I’m leaving now, Holly.  So if you’re coming, get off the phone.

HOLLY:    I’m coming.  Okay, I’ve got to go.  Yeah, bye.

ROBIN:    Will still have to pick up the cake.

HOLLY:    Do you think she’s gonna be surprised?

ROBIN:    That’s the idea.  Hurry up!

HOLLY:    Okay!


ROBIN:    So I’ll pick up the cake myself ‘cause I have to drop by the hospital for a blood test.

HOLLY:    Okay, but I told Abe to meet us there around ten...

ROBIN:    What?  Are you okay.

HOLLY:    Kicking all morning long!  Anyway, I told him to meet us there at ten.  I really think that you’re gonna like him.

ROBIN:    Listen.  I like any man that dates a pregnant woman.  I wonder about him, but I like him.


ANNA:     Two hands.  In this bar we wash the glasses with two hands.  That’s the difference between clean an absolutely fucking disgusting.

ALEX:     Watch your language, your bambinos are coming.

KIDS:     Mom!  Hi Mom!

ANNA:     Get in the kitchen and stay there.  She sees you two and the cat is out of the bag.

ALEX:     Oh God.  Is there no mercy?  I can’t believe it.  A body like that on a 12-year old.


ANNA:     That’s enough candles.

BOY:      Oh come on.  We all know she’s not twelve.

GIRL:     It’s not polite.

HOLLY:    Oh sorry, am I late?  Great.

ALEX:     Hey, ready?

SCENE 47  Everyone sings “Happy Birthday” to Jane in Spanish.


ROBIN:    Can I have a light?

JANE:     Give me that thing!  You’re such a slut.


ALEX:     I don’t know.  It’s like gay people are the only people getting laid anymore.

JANE:     Maybe you oughtta try it.

ALEX:     I like being straight.  And I think heterosexuality is making a comeback.

JANE:     Not if you have anything to do with it.  Go dance.

ALEX:     Excuse me....Say, Robin?

ROBIN:    Yeah?

ALEX:     Would you like to dance?

ROBIN:    Yeah....Oh, Jesus.

ALEX:     My dream evening.  Lesbians and cops.  What’s next, Republicans?

ROBIN:    (Whispers to Jane):  Cop.  Cop.  Cop.

ABE:      Evening, ladies.  Sir.  I’m looking for a Holly Pulchik.

ROBIN:    Uh...

JANE:     Who?

ABE:      Holly Pulchik.  Blonde hair, green eyes, about five-four.

ROBIN:    She’s...

HOLLY:    Hey!  You made it!

ABE:      There she is.

HOLLY:    I was afraid some crime would keep you away.

ABE:      No, it couldn’t.  It happens to be a slow night.  Fridays...and when Friday’s the first and when they get their checks, we have to be ready...

JANE:     It’s time to go.  Good night everyone, we’re going to clean up.  Excuse me, nice to meet you Mr. Lincoln.

ABE:      No, please.  Call me Abe.

JANE:     Abe?  As in Abe Lincoln?  What is this, some kind of joke?

HOLLY:    No, it’s his name.  Isn’t that a coincidence?  Just like the president.  I mean, like, I wonder why his parents thought that Abraham and Lincoln sounded good together.

ABE:      Now, let me guess.  You must be Robin.  Nice to meet you Robin.  And this is Jane.

JANE:     Oh.

ABE:      Hi, Jane.  Happy birthday.

JANE:     Oh, thank you.  Peppers.

ABE:      Yes, they’re from my garden.

HOLLY:    Oh, isn’t he sweet?

ABE:      Now, now, Babe.  Not while I’m still in uniform.

HOLLY:    Isn’t that cute?  He takes it so serious.

JANE:     Aw...

HOLLY:    Come on, Honey.  Let’s go get a drink.

JANE:     Is it me, or is she workin’ her way down some weird list of guys who call women Babe?

ROBIN:    I hope she keeps her mouth shut.

JANE:     Right!


ROBIN:    Where are you and Anna going again?

JANE:     Oh, she’s taking me to see some damn psychic.

ROBIN:    Oh.

JANE:     Here’s your ride.

ALEX:     Robin.  Uh, do you need a ride home?

ROBIN:    Oh, I have a car.

JANE:     Oh no, didn’t I tell you?  Holly came up to me and sighed and said that she needed the car.

ROBIN:    Oh.

ALEX:     It’s on my way.

JANE:     Yeah.

ROBIN:    Thanks.

JANE:     Oh, could you take these for me?  Thanks.

ANNA:     Jane!  (Speaks Spanish) I don’t want to be late for this woman.  She scares the shit out of me.

JANE:     Okay.  Let’s go.

ANNA:     She is really good.  You have to prepared when you get there.


PSYCHIC:  Here we go.  There’s a long trip here.  Traveling.  This is nice, you’re in love.  This is very nice.  And...oh...oh...

JANE:     What?

PSYCHIC:  This is a friend.  I feel...this is not good at all.  There’s a sickness here...There’s a curse...Yes?  Yes.  This is a curse.  I can feel it. 

ANNA:     Can you do anything to remove the curse?

JANE:     Anna!

ANNA:     No, she can do that!  Last year I...

JANE:     Anna, sit down.

PSYCHIC:  Let me talk to my guides.

JANE:     You’re gonna talk to these rocks?  Are you talking to these rocks and they’re gonna say something to you?

PSYCHIC:  I’d cross your legs here.


ROBIN:    You want some?

JANE:     Oh, yeah.  Yeah, thanks.

ROBIN:    How was the psychic?

JANE:     Don’t ask.  How was Alex?  Did he leave fingerprints all over you?

ROBIN:    What is it with me and bartenders?

JANE:     I don’t know.

ROBIN:    He’s coming with us Saturday night.  To the street fair.

JANE:     Well, good.  There’s safety in numbers.  Just don’t let him get you by yourself....I cannot believe he’s a cop.

ROBIN:    He’s cute though, huh?

JANE:     Yeah, for a cop.

ROBIN:    He does have a nice heiny.

JANE:     Heiny?  What is he, two years old?  He has a nice heiny?

ROBIN:    Don’t laugh!

JANE:     And don’t think that I didn’t see you checkin’ out that man’s basket.

ROBIN:    Eew!

JANE:     Eew!  What do you call it?

ROBIN:    I don’t call it anything.  I just wasn’t brought up to talk about a person’s anatomy.

JANE:     That’s probably because you don’t have a word for it.

ROBIN:    That’s just ridiculous.  I do, too.  It just doesn’t often come up.

JANE:     Okay.  What is this, below the belly button?

ROBIN:    I’m not going to say “pussy” if that’s what you’re after, okay, I hate that.

JANE:     Okay.  So, what do you call it?

ROBIN:    Down there.

JANE:     Oh, come on!  “Down there!”

ROBIN:    Well, “vagina” seems so formal.

JANE:     But you make it sound like a basement!

ROBIN:    Okay.  Honestly?

JANE:     Yeah.

ROBIN:    Fine.  “Hoo-hoo” or “cissy.”

JANE:     You’re kidding, right?  A “hoo-hoo” or a “cissy,” what is that?

ROBIN:    Well that’s what my mother called it.  I had a hoo-hoo or a cissy and my brother had a “noodle” or a “dingle.”

JANE:     And that’s what you still call it?

ROBIN:    Well, it’s better than “pussy.”  Or “beaver.”  What’s that about?  I never got that.  Or worse...

JANE:     Worse?  Did you say worse?  Now, what could be worse?  I have to hear you say it.

ROBIN:    Well, you know.  I’m not going to say it.

JANE:     Oh, come on!  “C-U-N-T.”  Come on, please? 

ROBIN:    I don’t think so.

JANE:     Please?  It’ll free you.  Try it!

ROBIN:    There’s a policeman within the sound of my voice.

JANE:     Give him a thrill.

ROBIN:    I don’t think so.

JANE:     I’m gonna wet you.

ROBIN:    No!  You’re such a baby!

JANE:     Okay.  Come on.

ROBIN:    All right.  “Cunt.”

JANE:     What?  What was that?

ROBIN:    I said it!

JANE:     No, you breathed it!  I want to hear you say it.

ROBIN:    All right!  All right.  All right.  “C-U-N-T, cunt.”

JANE:     Yeah?

ROBIN:    “Cunt.”  “Cunt.”  “CUNT!”

JANE:     Free!  You’ve got a dirty mouth.

ROBIN:    You were right.  I feel...I don’t know, different.

JANE:     That’s because you’re free Miss Scarlett!  You’re free!  C’mon, let’s go get everybody and tell them!

ROBIN:    That can’t be good for the baby.

JANE:     Oh, well, you know.  They’ll probably take a break in the delivery room....Do you miss it?

ROBIN:    What?

JANE:     Sex.

ROBIN:    Yeah, I do....You know what’s weird?  You never know the last time you sleep with somebody it’s the last time.  You’re thinking:  “Oh, we got problems, we got work to do,” you know, but you never think...and then you break up and a month later you look back and you go:  “Oh, that was it.”  That Tuesday or Friday or whenever, and you wished you paid attention because it was the last time....Well.

JANE:     Listen, thanks for my birthday present.  Because a girl can never have too many (?).

ROBIN:    I know.  I’m sorry.

JANE:     No. No.  I love it.

ROBIN:    Well, happy birthday.

JANE:     Thank you.

ROBIN:    You’re mail is in the living room.  Good night, I drank too much.

JANE:     Good night.

SCENE 53  Jane plays her new piano and sings a Carpenters song.


JANE:     So what’s the deal?  Do you like her or what?

ALEX:     Yeah, I do.  I’ve been trying.  But you know, she’s got that “back off” thing goin’ on so I just assumed that she was one of the girls.

JANE:     No.  She’s not that.  She’s definitely not one of the girls.

ALEX:     No kidding?

JANE:     No kidding.  Just shy, you know.

ALEX:     Yeah?

JANE:     Yeah.  So, I hear you’re goin’ with us on Saturday?

ALEX:     I am now.

JANE:     We should have a little talk.

ALEX:     Come on, I’ll give you a beer.  Come on.


ABE:      Ready?

HOLLY:    Okay.

ABE:      All right.  One...two...three...There you go.  Higher!  Higher!


ALEX:     You want a drink?


JANE:     Hey.

ANNA:     You okay?

JANE:     Mm hm.  Just tired.

ANNA:     She’s having a good time.

JANE:     Yeah.

ANNA:     That’s good, no?  That’s what you wanted.

JANE:     Yeah.


ABE:      Holly?  Hey Babe.  Is something the matter?

HOLLY:    No.

ABE:      It smells like marijuana out here. 

HOLLY:    Clove cigarettes.

ABE:      Now you know that’s not good for the baby. 

HOLLY:    Yeah, well, having him come out of that tiny hole is not good for me, either, so  we’re even.

ABE:      What is wrong?

HOLLY:    I’ve got things on my mind.

ABE:      It’s that guy, right?  Nick?

HOLLY:    Who told you about him?

ABE:      Well, it had to be someone.  And besides, you keep calling out “Nick” in bed

HOLLY:    I do?  Well, maybe it’s something that sounds like Nick.

ABE:      Does he know about the baby?

HOLLY:    No.  I’m only here temporarily.  I might go back.

ABE:      I know that.  And I will not stand in your way.  But if he loves you so much, why doesn’t he call?

HOLLY:    Maybe he can’t get to a phone.

ABE:      Come on back to the party.  I want to get one dance before we go.

HOLLY:    All right.


ROBIN:    No, stop.

ALEX:     What?

ROBIN:    I don’t know.

ALEX:     You don’t like it?

ROBIN:    No, I do.  I do like it.

ALEX:     Yes, so do I....Feel me girl.  Come on, put your hands on me.  Yeah...lay down now.

ROBIN:    Slow, slow, slow.

ALEX:     Okay, real slow.

ROBIN:    Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

ALEX:     What’s the matter?

ROBIN:    Um, I’m a little drunk.  Oh gosh.

ALEX:     You are so beautiful.

ROBIN:    No I’m not.

ALEX:     Oh, yes you are.  You’re so fucking beautiful.  And you taste so good. 

ROBIN:    Alex.

ALEX:     Talk to me.  Tell me what you like.

ROBIN:    Listen.

ALEX:     I want to make you cum so hard.

ROBIN:    I gotta...I have to tell you something.

ALEX:     Honey, I know.

ROBIN:    You need to know something.

ALEX:     It’s okay, I know.  I’m going to use something.

ROBIN:    What?

ALEX:     I’m going to use something.  It’s okay.  We’ll be safe.  Don’t worry about it.

ROBIN:    About what?

ALEX:     Come on, shh, it’s okay.

ROBIN:    No.  No.  You don’t understand.  I...I’m...positive.  I tested positive.

ALEX:     It’s okay.  I know.  I know.  I just don’t want to talk about it, all right?  Because I already know...What?  What’s the matter?

ROBIN:    Who told you?

ALEX:     Nobody.  Nobody told me.  Come on...

ROBIN:    It was Jane.  She told you.

ALEX:     Yeah, she told me.

ROBIN:    Why?

ALEX:     It was no big deal.  She said you were shy and had...had a bad time with some guy and I guessed, and she didn’t deny it.  It just came up real casually.  It’s just part of your history, like hey, she’s on the rebound or something so be careful, you know.  It just came out...

ROBIN:    What does that make you?  Big hero?  Bringing sex to the unfuckable.  You must feel really good about yourself.

ALEX:     Oh, God.  That’s not it.  I just want things the way they used to be.  You know?  When I meet someone, someone I like, have a good time, get drunk, and fuck my brains out.  Why can’t we do that anymore?

ROBIN:    Because you can’t.  That’s all.  Just can’t.  I think you should go home. 

ALEX:     Robin.

ROBIN:    No, please.  Don’t make me beg.  Just go.


JANE:     Hey, good morning.  How’s it going?

ROBIN:    Great.

JANE:     How was last night?

ROBIN:    Ooh, it was good.

JANE:     Good.  Is Alex still here?

ROBIN:    No, he’s gone.

JANE:     So you had a good time, huh?

ROBIN:    Real good time until I found out you told him I’ve got HIV.

JANE:     Well, I didn’t exactly tell him, you know.

ROBIN:    No, I know.  He guessed.  You know, she looks like the kind of girl that tested positive for the AIDS virus.  I don’t know, she’s got that kind of glow.

JANE:     It slipped out.

ROBIN:    What did you think you were doing, setting me up like that?

JANE:     I thought I was doing a good thing.  I mean, I know you like him and he likes you.

ROBIN:    Yeah, great.  Maybe he’ll ask me to go steady.  Maybe he’ll take me to the prom.

JANE:     Come on.

ROBIN:    What, do you think I’m stupid?

JANE:     No.  I don’t think that at all.

ROBIN:    You think that you can just put a man in my bed and I’ll forget?  All it does, if you want to know, all it does is remind me.  Alex and you and Holly and her baby.  Every single living thing I see reminds me.

JANE:     So what are you going to do?  Are you gonna hide in the house?  Are you going to lock yourself away?  Come on!

ROBIN:    You don’t know anything about it.  Anyway, it’s none of your business.  You’re the one that’s in love with somebody that you can never have.

JANE:     Do me a favor, okay?  I’ll stay out of your love life and you stay out of mine.

ROBIN:    Not just my love life.  My life. Stay out of my life!

JANE:     Meaning what?

ROBIN:    That means maybe this isn’t working.  Maybe you should move.

JANE:     Okay.

ROBIN:    And take that fucking piano!  If you don’t, I’ll leave it out in the rain.  I swear to God I will.

JANE:     All right.


ANNA:     All the way back against the wall.

GIRL:     Hi!

JANE:     Hi. 

GIRL:     How are you?  Are you going to teach me to play the piano?

ANNA:     Is this gonna be good?

JANE:     That’s fine.


ABE:      Hey, Babe?

HOLLY:    Yeah?

ABE:      Marry me.

HOLLY:    Get serious!

ABE:      I am serious.

HOLLY:    Get out of town!  Look.

ABE:      Freeze, sucker.

HOLLY:    I got you.  I’m gonna get you!

ABE:      Marry me.  Marry me tomorrow.

HOLLY:    I can’t marry you, Abe.

ABE:      You’re’re not over him yet, are you?

HOLLY:    Well, we’re all over him.  Like, six feet over him.


ROBIN:    Mom?


HOLLY:    It was an accident, or self-defense.  I mean, I would never kill anybody on purpose or like, in cold blood.  Hey, did you ever see that movie?

ABE:      Shh.  Shh.  Let’s get some rest, okay?

HOLLY:    You don’t want to marry me now, do you?

ABE:      Shh.  We’re together now.  We’re together.  And that’s not changing.


ELAINE:   Oh, she looks so thin....Look at you, Honey.  Oh!  They gave us a terrible map at Hertz.  I have been driving around for an hour and a half.  Is this your house?  Oh, isn’t it quaint.  I need to use the little girl’s room, Darling.

ROBIN:    Oh, sure, Mom.

ELAINE:   This heat!  The A/C is n.g., right Jer?  You know me.  I like so you need a sweater.

JERRY:    It’s two days.  It’ll be fine.  I’m Jerry.

ROBIN:    Hi.

ELAINE:   Oh, I’m sorry!  Robin, my daughter.  Robin, Jerry.

ROBIN:    Pleased to meet you....I told her I could have picked you up.  You didn’t need to get a car.

ELAINE:   Well, you know me.  I’m so damn independent.  Riding in other people’s cars, forget it.  Well, isn’t this nice?  Oh, oh look Jer, a cactus flower.  They bloom once every hundred years.  Oh quick, show me the potty, Darling.  I’m about to burst.


HOLLY:    Anyway, um, Jane called me at work.  Wants to know how you are.

ROBIN:    I’m fine.

ELAINE:   Who’s Jane?

ABE:      Jane used to live here up until a few days ago.

ROBIN:    Just stay out of this Holly.  It’s between me and Jane.

HOLLY:    Well, she asked for my advice so I told her, she’s an anti-lesbian.

ROBIN:    I am not.

ELAINE:   Who’s a lesbian?

ROBIN:    Jane is.

ELAINE:   And she was living here?

ABE:      Yes, ma’am.

ROBIN:    I am not anti-lesbian.

HOLLY:    Not you, her.

ELAINE:   Who?

ROBIN:    Jane.

HOLLY:    See, this is her old problem.  She creates a situation where she gets this rejection and everyone else sees it coming.

ROBIN:    She just wasn’t being honest.

HOLLY:    Well, I think it’s a black thing, too.

ELAINE:   Jane is black?

ABE:      Yes, ma’am.  She sure is.

ROBIN:    And you can’t live a lie.  You just can’t.

HOLLY:    Well, there’s lying and then there’s just not telling.

ELAINE:   She’s a black lesbian?

ABE:      Yes, ma’am.  That’s right.

ELAINE:   And she was living here, with you?

HOLLY:    No, no, no, no.  She was just living here.  They weren’t like, fucking or anything...Were you?

ELAINE:   Were you?

ABE:      Were you?

ROBIN:    I’ll get the coffee.


ABE:      I have to get going, Babe.

HOLLY:    Why?  Your shift doesn’t start until 10:30.  Don’t you wanna go upstairs for a while?

ABE:      No, not tonight.  Um, it was nice meeting you ma’am.

ELAINE:   You’re going already?

ABE:      Yes.

ELAINE:   We have dessert.

ABE:      Maybe next time, thank you.  Uh Robin, good night.

ROBIN:    Good night.

HOLLY:    Maybe I’m just too fat now.

ELAINE:   Don’t worry, Dear.  It’s a natural thing.


ELAINE:   Will they live here after they get married?

ROBIN:    Who?

ELAINE:   Holly and um...oh, that nice young man.  What is his name?

ROBIN:    Oh,, I’m not sure she wants to marry him.

ELAINE:   A pregnant girl?  Is she crazy?  She should grab him.

ROBIN:    Well, it’s not really his baby.

ELAINE:   So what?  She still should grab him.  Believe me, I know what she’s going to have to go through.  You know, I’m a feminist, too.  I was a single mother after your father left.  You think that was easy?  I even voted for Carter twice.  But you can’t fight nature.  God knows you girls keep trying.  Treating your men like side dishes.  Stick a fork in when needed.  Just like men used to treat us.

ROBIN:    Mother, who am I treating?  Do you see a man here anywhere?

ELAINE:   No, I don’t.  And I think it’s a problem. 


ELAINE:   I don’t understand why you don’t come home.

ROBIN:    I like it here, Mom.

ELAINE:   You’re not exactly bubbling over with happiness.

ROBIN:    It’s a life, Mom.  It’s not a hayride.


ELAINE:   Honey, what is this?  Oh my gosh!  The police are here!

ROBIN:    Yes, I see the police, Mother.

JANE:     What the fuck is goin’ on?  What the hell is goin’ on?

POLICE:   Hold it.

JANE:     Okay.

HOLLY:    Jane, what are you doing here?

ABE:      I called her.  I thought that she should know.

ROBIN:    Know what?

HOLLY:    He’s arresting me.

ROBIN:    What for?

ABE:      You know what for, Robin.  Pittsburgh.

JANE:     You told him?

ABE:      Yes, she told me.  And I take this name seriously.  I cannot tell a lie. 

JANE:     That was Washington, shmuck!

ABE:      Whatever.  Anyway, I’m going to stand by Holly one-hundred percent.  But I am sworn to uphold the law.  And I don’t believe I would be any use to her whatsoever if I broke my oath.  Now would I?

HOLLY:    He really loves me.

JANE:     Oh yeah, I can tell by the manacles on your wrists!

ROBIN:    Don’t say a word.  Not to him, not to anybody.  We’ll get you a lawyer.

HOLLY:    I’ll miss you guys.

ABE:      Now I promise you that they are going to treat her right.  They know that she is going to be my future wife.

JANE:     Son-of-a-bitch!

ELAINE:   Honey, what in the world is going on?  I feel like I’ve just seen “America’s Most Wanted” in person.

JANE:     This has got to be the mother.

ROBIN:    Jane, please.

ELAINE:   Yes, I am.  And who are you?

JANE:     I’m the lesbo.  I used to live here until your daughter threw me out.

ELAINE:   Well, I’m sorry.

ROBIN:    Mother.

JANE:     Yeah, me too.  But I think this makes her real happy, because now she’s got the whole house to herself.

ROBIN:    Cut it out.  You’re just being a baby.  Jane, stop!  You know, she’s going to need our help.

JANE:     No, not our help.  I’ll take care of this myself.

ROBIN:    Okay.

JANE:     Okay.

ROBIN:    Fine.  Fine.  Fine.  Fine.  Fine.


ELAINE:   They do that now, don’t they?

ROBIN:    What?

ELAINE:   Call themselves “lesbos.” 

ROBIN:    Oh, Mom.

ELAINE:   And she makes it sound like a compliment.


HENRY:    She wants to confess.  She says she doesn’t want to bring a child into a world of lies.

ABE:      Well you have nothing to worry about Henry.  Holly has promised me that she is going to keep her mouth shut as long as does not have to lie out loud.

JANE:     We wouldn’t even be here if wasn’t for you, you brown-nosin’ putz!

ABE:      I took an oath, Jane.

JANE:     Yeah, you took a fucking oath, man.  Now were stuck here in Pittsburgh and Holly’s on trial because of your oath!


JANE:     So what exactly do they have?

HENRY:    Nothing.  Except for Abe’s testimony and that’s just hearsay.

ABE:      That is the truth.

JANE:     Oh, shut up!  Nobody wants to hear the truth.  But aside from that, what do they have?

ABE:      They...they have the Polaroid.

JANE:     The Polaroid?

ABE:      Yes.  I mentioned that I had seen a snapshot.

HENRY:    It’s on the list of exhibits.  I mean, come on.  What the hell can they do with that?


LAWYER:   Cold blooded.  Cruel.  Inhuman.  What words would you use to describe a woman who posed and took this photograph?  This is a photograph of a man who in a few short hours will be dead from a wound inflicted by this woman that you see before you.  


LAWYER:   ...and not surprisingly, everything that you say...everything that you say tends to exonerate your friend.

JANE:     Sorry.  It’s just the truth.

LAWYER:   And perhaps not coincidentally, it tends to exonerate you.

JANE:     There are no charges against me.

LAWYER:   Yet. 

JANE:     Oh, come on.  Your Honor, is he allowed to just intimidate me like this?

JUDGE:    Mr. Massarelli, please.

LAWYER:   Oh, I apologize your Honor.  It was unintentional.  What is the nature of your friendship with Ms. Holly Pulchik?

JANE:     Excuse me?

LAWYER:   Oh, I’m sorry.  Let me rephrase the question.  How would you characterize your friendship?

JANE:     I would call her my friend.  I mean, come on.  What is this “friendship” stuff about?

LAWYER:   That’s precisely what I’m trying to find out.  Let me put this delicately to avoid offending the court.  Is there a “romantic” character to your friendship?

HENRY:    Objection!

JUDGE:    Over ruled.  You may proceed Mr. Massarelli.

LAWYER:   To repeat Ms. Deluca, is there a romantic character to your friendship with the defendant?

JANE:     No, Mr. Massaralli, there is not.

LAWYER:   Massarelli.

JANE:     I’m sorry.  Unintentional.

LAWYER:   You are, however, one of these gay women that we read about, or do you prefer lesbian?

JANE:     Do I prefer them to you?

LAWYER:   Are you gay?

JANE:     Do I look gay?

LAWYER:   Your Honor?

JUDGE:    Please answer the question.

LAWYER:   Are-you-gay?

JANE:     Yes-I-am.  And I’m sure you hear that women all the time.  And in my case, it happens to be true.


JANE:     (Talking on the telephone):  She’s scared shitless, just like I would be after today.  No, I don’t want you to do that Anna, okay?  I don’t want you to do that.  I’ll call you tonight, all right?  Good-bye.  (To Abe):  You shmuck!

ABE:      You did your best.

JANE:     Yeah, I did, which is more than I can say for you.

ABE:      Justice is hard.

JANE:     Justice?  You call this justice?  This girl protects herself against some marauding asshole who uses her body as a punching bag, and she’s going to jail?  You call that justice!  Is that what you want?

ABE:      I want Holly to be my wife.  I want us to be a family.

JANE:     Where, in the joint?

ABE:      I don’t know that.  But I do know that there is no kind of family without the law.  None whatsoever.  Because the law that governs this society is the same law that holds the family together.

JANE:     Where did you read that?  On the side of a Cheerios box?

ABE:      You think I love her less, now.  But I don’t.  I love her more.  And that is why I had to do this.

JANE:     Come on.  Come on!  Come on!


ELAINE:   And they lived happily ever after.

ROBIN:    Did I wake you?

ELAINE:   No.  I was just looking for a drink.

ROBIN:    There’s beer.

ELAINE:   No.  I had some bourbon from the plane, but I seem to have finished it.  What are you doing?

ROBIN:    I thought somehow if I made this trip again, we’d all be here at the end like this.

ELAINE:   Oh, Honey.  Nobody was happy in these pictures.  Except maybe you.  Tommy was already so frail.  And your father....

ROBIN:    Well, you loved him, didn’t you?

ELAINE:   Yes, I did.  With all my heart.  But I lost him.  And Tommy, too.  And that’s that.  You just have to let it go, Robin.  Just let it go.

ROBIN:    I can’t.

ELAINE:   Well, you have to, Darling.  Because it’s never going to come out any differently, no matter how many times you make this trip.

ROBIN:    I know that.

ELAINE:   When we lost Tommy, well, your father just couldn’t live with that.  I don’t blame him.  It’s not right, losing your children.  Children are supposed to live after you.  Oh, Honey.  Are you crying?  Oh my gosh.  Do you know, I don’t ever remember you crying.  Even when you were a baby.  Isn’t that funny?

ROBIN:    Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  ...I’m sorry.

ELAINE:   I know that you’re not well, Darling.  I don’t know what it is and I don’t want to know.  But I know you’ll get better.  You were always the strong one.  I can’t lose you.  I can’t just lose everybody.  I do the best I can, Honey.  I know it’s not enough, and I’m sorry.  But that’s what you get in life, you know?  You get whoever you end up with.  Whoever is willing to stick by you and fight for you when everyone else is gone.  And it ain’t always who you expect.  But you just have to make do.

ROBIN:    I’m not complaining, Mom.

ELAINE:   Never complain.  Never explain.  Katherine Hepburn.  She said that in Redbook last month.  It’s a good motto, isn’t it?


HENRY:    The best I can do is to pretend like you never testified.  Just go on like it never happened.

JANE:     Go on to what?

HENRY:    Honestly?  I don’t know.

ROBIN:    All right, this is the situation.  I am still angry.  I do not forgive you for anything.  And I don’t want to talk about it.  Anna filled me in.  She told me everything I needed to know about the trial so far, and I know I can help.  Because even if I can’t, I couldn’t make it any worse.  And Holly is just as much my responsibility as everyone else’s, and so are you.  Because you are my family and I love you.  Now, I feel fine.  My T-cells are over a hundred and I’m rarin’ to go.  So, unless you want to waste time being stubborn, I suggest we get me on the stand as soon as possible.


LAWYER:   You expect us to believe that the defendant, pregnant with this man’s child, would leave him and never look back?

ROBIN:    It was over.  He beat her and abused her.  I saw.  I saw how he treated her.

LAWYER:   But not to call.  Not to leave an address so he could forward her mail.  And practical reasons aside, let’s just say that she did strike a blow for self-defense.  Let’s just assume.  And she decides to let him stew in his own juices for a while.  But a couple of hours, a few days later she realizes, “But he’s my little baby’s daddy.  And you know what?  He’s not so bad.  And sure, maybe he’s got a temper.”  But all she knows is that she needs him.  She needs to call him.

ROBIN:    But it was over between them.  I know you think a girl like her, the most important thing in her life is a man, but she didn’t need him.  She had us.

LAWYER:   Well, I hardly think that you’re a replacement for a father.

ROBIN:    I don’t know what it is, but, there’s something that goes on between women.  You men know that because it’s the same for you.  I’m not saying one sex is better than the other.  I’m just saying, like speaks to like.  Love, or whatever, doesn’t always keep, so you find out what does, if you’re lucky.

LAWYER:   Well, thank you for that very illuminating view of the war between the sexes.  Are you a lesbian, too, Ms. Nickerson?

ROBIN:    No, sir.  But at times I understand the inclination.

LAWYER:   Now, suppose there is this bond between women.  Suppose men are disposable.

ROBIN:    I didn’t say that!  I...

LAWYER:   If that’s the case, why should we believe you?  Wouldn’t you say anything, wouldn’t you do anything to keep your sister, keep your bosom-buddy, so to speak, out of jail?

ROBIN:    I’m under oath.  I wouldn’t perjure myself.

LAWYER:   Well, I’m glad that I don’t have to remind you of that.  And, just for the record...You didn’t know...You didn’t know until the police told you, that this man was dead of his wounds?

ROBIN:    If I’m lying, may I be struck down with some terrible disease.


HENRY:    Okay!  All right!  Good news!  Got an offer.  Involuntary manslaughter with extenuating circumstances.

ABE:      One to two years, parole after six months.

HENRY:    I got you minimum security in Arizona, two hours from home, and good medical care.

HOLLY:    I’d hate to have my baby in jail.

ROBIN:    What are the chances for an acquittal?

HENRY:    Well, he’s dead as a result of her actions, and, juries want to make someone pay for that.  She didn’t testify in her own defense, and I’m not sure how much good you did her.

HOLLY:    I mean, my baby will have a mother who’s a convicted felon.  I don’t know.  What do you think?

EVERYONE: Well, by the time...

HOLLY:    I mean Abe.  What do you think about that, Babe?

ABE:      I think that you should take it.  And I will keep the baby until you get out.

ROBIN:    Yeah, but...

HOLLY:    That’s what I’ll do, then.

HENRY:    Fine.  I’ll tell them we’ll take it.

HOLLY:    I love you.

ABE:      I gotta get in there with you.

HOLLY:    Do you?

ABE:      I want you so much.

HOLLY:    Could we have a minute?

JANE:     Yeah.  We’ll see you later.

HOLLY:    Oh Abe.  I missed you so much!

JANE:     Well, so much for the bonds between women.

ROBIN:    You can’t fight that.

JANE:     You were pretty good in there.  What ever happened to honesty is the best policy?

ROBIN:    You don’t want to go overboard.

JANE:     You know, I’ve been thinkin’ and thinkin’ and thinkin’ about this and I want to say it.  I’m really, really sorry.  I truly am.

ROBIN:    Yeah, me, too.  I get so angry so fast.  It’s just it’s...lonely.  Between me and everybody else there’s all this space all the time and it gets bigger and bigger and...I’m on one side, you know...and, I’m screaming and the one person I think I’m holding is afraid of it, too.

JANE:     I’m holding you.

ROBIN:    There will not be anymore lies between us, not even for my own good.

JANE:     No ma’am.

ROBIN:    Good.

JANE:     I’m gonna go call Anna, she’s got a...

ROBIN:    Okay.

JANE:     Yeah?

ROBIN:    Go ahead....

JANE:     Wait a minute.  What’s the matter?  Hey!  Hey!  Hey!  Abe!  ABE!


JANE:     (Talking on the telephone):  Elaine?  Jane.  Listen.  I’m sorry to wake you, but we’re back in Tucson and she’s in the hospital.

SCENE 82  Elaine runs to the hospital and finds Robin laying in bed in her room.

SCENE 83  Alex meets Jane at the hospital.


PSYCHIC:  What curse, Honey?  Who?

JANE:     One of my friends.  Remember when I came to see you, you said there was a curse on a friend of mine?  It’s my friend, Robin.  She’s...Look, you know, I don’t believe in this stuff.  You know that.  I just thought it couldn’t hurt to come and see you.

PSYCHIC:  Oh, Robin.  That’s the girl with AIDS.  Anna’s friend.

JANE:     She’s my friend.

PSYCHIC:  Oh, boy uh, let’s see...

JANE:     So can you do it?

PSYCHIC:  Do what?

JANE:     Take the curse off of her.  You said you could...

PSYCHIC:  It’s AIDS, Honey.

JANE:     I know that, but right now it’s just a lung infection, see, and...I don’t want a miracle.  I just want to give her a 51-49 shot.  I mean look, I brought money.  I could pay you right now. 

PSYCHIC:  Pay when it works.  I can’t promise anything.


JANE:     Don’t wake her up.

NURSE:    Just doing my job.  (To Elaine):  Is that a cold?  She can’t afford an infection.  I’ll have to mask you.

JANE:     Are you blind?  Can’t you see she’s been crying?  It’s her mother.

NURSE:    People think that they’re being nice but they come here with colds and it’s not a nice...

JANE:     It’s not a goddamn cold.  Don’t be such a hoo-hoo!

NURSE:    And what’s a hoo-hoo?

ELAINE:   It’s a cunt, Dear.  Now why don’t you leave us alone?


ROBIN:    Tommy?  Tommy?

JANE:     Hey.  It’s just me.

ROBIN:    I know.

JANE:     Okay.

ROBIN:    Where’s Mom?

JANE:     She had to go back to the house.

ROBIN:    Will you call her?

JANE:     Sure.  (Talking to Elaine on the telephone):  Yeah, hi.  Uh, she’s asking for you.  (To Robin):  Do you want me to get a doctor?

ROBIN:    No.  No....I had a crush on a woman once.  I was ten.

JANE:     That’s when I had crushes on boys.

ROBIN:    She was a strawberry blonde.  That’s what my mom called her.  She was a baby-sitter at the hotel we stayed at right before my Dad went to Vietnam.  She was beautiful.  Strawberry blonde.

JANE:     I used to be a strawberry blonde, too.

ROBIN:    It was me you loved, wasn’t it?

JANE:     Yeah.  Still do.

ROBIN:    Well, I loved you, too.  I don’t want a funeral, but Mom will.  But it’s got to be here.  Don’t let her take me back to San Diego.

JANE:     Okay.

ROBIN:    And afterwards, have a big party at the house.  Okay?

JANE:     Okay.

ROBIN:    Big party.

JANE:     A big party.


NURSE:    You can do it!  Push!  Push!  Come on Holly, you can do it!  Push right into it. Take a deep breath.  Good!  Perfect!  Perfect!  Perfect!

DOCTOR:   Give us a real good push now....The head is coming.

SCENE 88  Abe visits Holly in the hospital.


ABE:      I wanted to be here to help her with the breathing and everything.

JANE:     Next time.  Next time.  Have you ever seen one of these things?

ABE:      Uh uh.

JANE:     They’re really ugly. 

ABE:      Where are they?

JANE:     Let’s go.  Whoa, wait a minute!  Come on, man!


ABE:      Firstad.  Mitchell.  Pulchik.

JANE:     Don’t look at me.


EVERYONE: Welcome back!

ABE:      You made it.  You’re back home.

ELAINE:   Isn’t she beautiful?

HOLLY:    Hi, little one.  Hello.  Welcome.  Welcome Mary Todd.  (Holly hands the baby to Robin).

JANE:     Push it right out.

SCENE 92  Everyone is singing “Mellow Yellow” at the party outside.


JANE:     It was rough goin’ in there.  But she managed to pull herself through, you know.  And the next day the Pentamidine kicked in, so....

HOLLY:    What are her T-cells now?

JANE:     Uh, they’re about 35.  They were under 20 before.

HOLLY:    She just...she doesn’t look good.

JANE:     She looks great.


JANE:     Everyone, welcome Holly home, with her new baby and her new husband Abe.  We’re all glad to be here with our friends.  And I want you right now, ladies and gentlemen, to put your hands together and give a round of warm applause, to 1983’s fourth runner-up in the “Star Search” talent competition!

ELAINE:   No!  No!  No!  Jane!  Jane!  It was third runner-up, not fourth.  I told her.  Fourth was this terrible little boy tap dancer with pimples.  He only got that far because he cheated.  I mean, that is the only reason that I...

ALEX:     Elaine.

ELAINE:   What?

JERRY:    Shut up.

ELAINE:   Jerry!

ROBIN:    (Singing):  “Every time I look into your loving eyes...I see love that money just can’t buy...

JANE:     (Singing):  “One look, from you...I drift away...I pray that you are here to stay...Anything you want, you got it...Anything you need, you got it...Anything at all, you got it...Baby...Every time I hold you I begin to understand...Everything about you tells me that I’m your best friend...So I live my life to be with you... ‘Cause no one can do the things you do...Anything you want, you got it...Anything you need, you got it...Anything at all, you got it...Baby...Anything you need...Anything you got it...Anything you need, you got it...”

SCENE 95  Jane looks at Robin’s empty wheelchair.

HOLLY:    Ready to go?

JANE:     Yeah.

HOLLY:    Okay.  But you better be back for Christmas because Mary Todd’s expecting you.

JANE:     Yeah, I will.

HOLLY:    You make sure you call me as soon as you get to L.A.  I want to know how the audition goes.

JANE:     Okay, Mom!

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