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By Jeeves
Music: Andrew Lloyd Webber
Lyrics: Alan Ayckbourn
Book: Alan Ayckbourn
Premiere: Tuesday, April 22, 1975
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The Code of the Woosters
BERTIE
I obey the Code of the Woosters. It's a simple philosophy.
When perhaps a chap's in trouble. I respond with alacrity.
And if my fellow men have problems
Whatever they might be
They call on me
The sterling Wooster B.
For despite
This easy nature
Come the evening
When battle dawns
To see a Wooster
Grab the livestock by both the horns
For when a Wooster's mask of pleasure
Becomes a steely stare
You'll know he's there
He'll never turn a hair
What would a chap do without it?
How would he get through without it?
How could he stay true wihtout the Code of the Woosters?
If you're at sea, I shall be there, even put off tea to be there
Woosters have swum oceans for the Code of
Allegiance duly owed to the Wooster Code
What a load
If a girl
Is in the doldrums
Not a paddle
To her name
I'll be there
Though frankly speaking
Womanizing's not my game
But if she's really in a lather
Wild eyed and hat askew
He'll see her through
Old you know who...
Whenever it calls, can't ignore it, even give up Ascot for it
Woosters have died gladly for the code of
For that rugged, heavy load called the Wooster Code
What a load
Take my card
In case you need me, if you're jousting a losing cause
Like the chap
Who wins the double
I can rattle
The natural laws
So if you're eaten up with anguish
I'll snatch you from its jaws
No second's pause
From one sincerely yours...
It's alright!
He's on call both day and night
Turning darkness into light
Ubique illuminatus
Wooster is ready to fight!
Wooster is ready to fight!
Travel Hopefully (Part One)
BERTIE
I've invariably found
That feet kept on the ground
Allow the grass to grow
Check your mirrors front and rear
Slip smoothly into gear
Then hit the road and go
Feel the pistons steady beat
The camshaft 'neath your feet
That big end start to fly...
JEEVES
May I advise a modicum of caution, sir...
BERTIE
He who hesitates is lost
Burn bridges once they're crossed
Don't stop to say goodbye
JEEVES
There is a blind corner approaching, sir...
BERTIE
My philosophy's to travel hopefully
And making each day that I survive
An opportunity to share the company
That welcomes me when I arrive
Hark the mistle-thrush's cry
The hedge-rows rushing by
The curlew on the wing
JEEVES
That is a crow, sir.
BERTIE
List! Some distant church's bells
'Midst bracing country smells
Those fields of golden - thing...
JEEVES
Corn, sir.
BERTIE
My philosophy's to travel hopefully
And making each day that I survive
An opportunity to share the company
That welcomes me when I arrive
Travel's broadened out my mind
Until today you'll find...
JEEVES
The widest head I know...
BERTIE
Thank you, Jeeves. You did say wisest, didn't you?
JEEVES
Oh yes, sir.
BERTIE
Every traveller I meet
I'll always stop to greet
JEEVES
Be careful how you go, sir...
BERTIE
My philosophy's to travel hopefully
And making each day that I survive
An opportunity to share the company
That welcomes me when I arrive
Travel hopefully with me
And I will guarantee
There'll be no pause for doubt
Hit the nearest country track
No time for looking back
Look onwards and - look out!!!!
Travel Hopefully (Part Two)
BINGO
Sounds sweet
BERTIE
Goes like a bird. Hold on to your hat.
BINGO
Hey, this is more like it...
BOTH
My philosophy's to travel hopefully
And making each day that I survive
An opportunity to share the company
That welcomes me when I arrive
BINGO
Travel hopefully with me
Let all your thoughts run free
BERTIE
We can't have come this far...
BINGO
What's that?
BERTIE
Nothing
BINGO
Till with any luck you'll feel
Your inner voice reveal
BERTIE
Just where the hell we are
BOTH
Hopeful travellers me and you
That Was Nearly Us
HONORIA
Did you see that couple there?
BERTIE
Can't say I did...
HONORIA
Standing by the tree?
BERTIE
Really? Was it raining?
HONORIA
That was nearly us back there
BERTIE
Don't quite follow...
HONORIA
Nearly you and me
BERTIE
Oh yes, I see. Brrmmm!
HONORIA
Bertie, you've been badly neglected
You need a wife who'll correct it
The secret with men, of course, is
To treat them a bit like horses...
Did you see those lovers there?
BERTIE
No, I think they were pheasants, actually...
HONORIA
Even you could see
BERTIE
Oh, lovers! I thought you said plovers, sorry.
HONORIA
Oh, so nearly us back there
BERTIE
Was it? Nearly ran over them, then...
HONORIA
Nearly you and me
BERTIE
Appear to be running out of cardboard...
HONORIA
Could it be we took some wrong turning?
Is this a lesson worth learning?
Can't you see that couple there
Could well have been you and me?
BERTIE
Hump back bridge!
HONORIA
That was nearly us back there
Wouldn't you concur?
BERTIE
Hairpin bend, hang on...
HONORIA
He was so like you back there
I could have been her
BERTIE
No, I think they were both very much shorter.
HONORIA
Here you are, so vital, attractive-
Would that your brain was as active
You're nobody's intellectual
You hot-blooded het'rosexual...
BERTIE
Oh, now, simmer down...
HONORIA
Was it merely lucky chance
Brought us here today?
Victims both of circumstance
Meeting you this way
BERTIE
Brrrrmmmm! Brrrrrmmmm!!
HONORIA
It's as though our lives had been frozen
Back on the paths we'd both chosen
Giving us a fleeting glimpse
Of all that was meant to be
That was surely us back there
It's as clear as day
If we'd both kept faith back there
Hadn't lost our way
BERTIE
Nearly there ... Here's the village
HONORIA
What if we defied dull convention?
Stood up to shout our intention?
BERTIE
Steady!
HONORIA
If we'd followed our heart's volition
and shed our last inhibition?
BERTIE
Here we are! At last!
HONORIA
That's out future life back there
BERTIE
Cheerio then!
HONORIA
Bertie, can't you see?
BERTIE
You'd better hop in there smartish...
HONORIA
That was meant for us back there
BERTIE
You don't want to get gangrene...
HONORIA
All we're meant to be
Time we took the plain facts and faced them
Turned in our tracks and retraced them
Back to when that couple there
So clearly were you and me...
Love's Maze
STIFFY
Deep in love's maze
There my heart strays
Caught in a flurry of worry and doubt
Down love's pathways
There my heart plays
Whispering secrets it's longing to shout
All I need's a sympathetic friend
To help me find a way to leave -
Love's maze is a magical labyrinth
Close paths hidden far from gaze
Love's maze is for lovers in jeopardy
Lost there in a rainbow haze
Won't you save me?
Please assist me
Help me decipher its intricate ways?
Love has touched me
Love has kissed me
Holding me prisoner deep in this maze
BERTIE
Well, you can't blame me. Cupid never pays
You'll saunter round for day's inside love's -
STIFFY
Love's maze is a mystical wonderland
Conceals what the heart conveys
Love's maze is a puzzle in paradise
Misleads all the eye surveys
BERTIE
I did warn you
I have sworn to
Steer a wide berth, for I know to my cost
It's predicted
Self-inflicted
People in mazes do tend to get lost
STIFFY
All I need's a very special friend
To rescue me from here inside
STIFFY & MAIDS
Love's maze is a crazy kaleidoscope
All roads leading diff'rent ways
Love's maze, like a swaying calliope
One dance where the piper pays
Love's maze is a hatter's mad party time
One feast lasting nights and days
Love's maze is a firework spectacular
Bright skies as the bonfires blaze
All praise as we dance in its corridors
All part of these grand displays
Behold every lover who's ever born
All lost in their own love's maze
STIFFY
All I need's a little help from you...
BERTIE
You'll never drag me there inside love's -
ALL
Love's maze is a crazy kaleidoscope
All roads leading diff'rent ways
Love's maze, like a swaying calliope
One dance where the piper pays
Love's maze is a hatter's mad party time
One feast lasting nights and days
Love's maze is a firework spectacular
Bright skies as the bonfires blaze
Love's maze is a magical labyrinth
Close paths hidden far from gaze
Love's maze is for lovers in jeopardy
Lost there in a rainbow haze
All praise as we dance in its corridors
All part of these grand displays
Behold every lover who's ever born
All lost in their own love's maze
The Hallo Song
BERTIE
It's an English tradition
We like to say hallo
We hope by shaking hands that we'll recall your name
We work on that basis, remembering faces
But that's about all
I know you're somebody something
It's on the tip of my tongue
You're either Edith Sitwell or the Bow Street Beak
I'll know who you are, the moment you speak ...
But meanwhile, just put in right there
How do you do?
BUDGE
How do you do?
GUSSIE
How do you do?
BERTIE
Hallo again...
BUDGE
How goes it all?
GUSSIE
Good day to you
BERTIE
You keeping fit?
BUDGE
So great to meet you
GUSSIE
It's been an age
BERTIE
A tiny world
BUDGE
How do you -
GUSSIE
How do you -
BERTIE
How do you -
BUDGE
How do you -
ALL
How do you do?
BUDGE
How's life with you?
GUSSIE
Good evening all
BERTIE
You're looking well
BUDGE
Well, hi there, stranger
GUSSIE
Surprise, surprise
BERTIE
What could be nicer, meeting like this?
I confess I've forgotten
Who on earth you can be
It could be you're Nijinsky or the man next door-
BUDGE
How do you -
GUSSIE
How do you -
BERTIE
How do you -
BUDGE
How do you -
ALL
How do you do?
GUSSIE
You're either Pablo Picasso
BUDGE
Or maybe Harpo Marx
BERTIE
You might be Sarah Bernhardt - no, you're Wittgenstein
GUSSIE
Whoever I am though, the pleasure's all mine
BUDGE
Let's take it and shake it right there
BERTIE
Well, fancy this
GUSSIE
It's surely not?
BUDGE
I can't believe
BERTIE
Good Lord alive!
GUSSIE
How long's it been?
BUDGE
You've hardly changed
BERTIE
You've lost some weight
GUSSIE
I can't believe it!
BUDGE
It's been a while
BERTIE
You're just the same
BUDGE
How do you -
GUSSIE
How do you -
BERTIE
How do you -
BUDGE
How do you -
ALL
How do you do?
GUSSIE
What brings you here?
BERTIE
How's life back home?
BUDGE
How's business been?
GUSSIE
And how's your father?
BERTIE
My sainted aunt!
What could be better, meeting like this?
Though I haven't an inkling
Not a clue who you are
You could be Amy Johnson
BUDGE
No, I'm Al Capone. How do you -
GUSSIE
How do you -
BERTIE
How do you -
BUDGE
How do you -
ALL
How do you do?
BUDGE
Aren't you Marlene Dietrich?
GUSSIE
I think I'm Bernard Shaw
BERTIE
It really doesn't matter who on earth you are
The truth of it all is our friendship's been far
Too long now to bother with names
It's just another episode
In the Wooster moral code
Let's extend the hand of greeting
ALL
Hallo there, whoever you are
How do you do
By Jeeves
BERTIE
It is patently clear
Any awkwardness here
Can be cleared up in less than a trice
Our identity switch
Who is who, which is which
We're in need of some solid advice
There's a painfully simple solution
It's as plain as the nose on your face
BINGO
By gad!
GUSSIE
By gosh!
BINGO
By heck!
GUSSIE
By gum!
BINGO
By rabbit's foot!
GUSSIE
By kingdom come!
BERTIE
By all my sainted aunt believes!
BINGO
By George!
GUSSIE
By Jove!
ALL
By Jeeves!
When we're faced with the grind
Of exerting the mind
We are filled with a deep sense of dread
BERTIE
"How on earth," I hear cries
"Does one give exercise
To a thing that's in bed in your head?"
BINGO
What we need is a free range consultant
GUSSIE
Where on earth do you find one of those?
BERTIE
By hook! By crook!
BINGO
By way! By pass!
GUSSIE
By sea! By air!
BERTIE
By road!
BINGO
By grass!
GUSSIE
By seven dwarves!
BERTIE
By forty thieves!
ALL
By George! By Jove! By Jeeves!
BERTIE
By shuttlecock!
GUSSIE
By croquet hoop!
BINGO
By Panama!
BERTIE
By Windsor soup!
GUSSIE
By all those cards tucked up his sleeves!
ALL
By George! By Jove! By Jeeves!
Our collective I.Q.
Of around 42
Cannot cope, to be perfectly frank
All true leaders of men
Delegate now and then
Try to keep their minds totally blank
To appreciate loftier matters
BINGO
Things that mostly go over my head
BERTIE
By derby day!
GUSSIE
By nursery tea!
BINGO
By moose!
BERTIE
By spoons!
GUSSIE
By half past three!
BINGO
By every tender breast that heaves!
ALL
By George! By Jove! By Jeeves!
BERTIE
By marmalade!
GUSSIE
By bowler hat!
BINGO
By toothpaste tube!
BERTIE
By Burmese cat!
GUSSIE
By baby newts!
BINGO
By autumn leaves!
ALL
By George! By Jove! By Jeeves!
Behold how Jeeves with sleight of hand
Conceives a scheme so carefully planned
Even we can understand
If he takes it terribly slow - ly
BERTIE
By Basingstoke!
BINGO
By cardboard box!
GUSSIE
By Budge's knees!
BERTIE
By Bassett's socks!
BINGO
By each that conjuror deceives!
ALL
By George! By Jove! By Jeeves!
BERTIE
By jumping jack!
GUSSIE
By easy chair!
BINGO
By Bain Marie!
BERTIE
By Camembert!
GUSSIE
By every fruit bat in the eaves!
ALL
By George! By Jove! By Jeeves!
BINGO
By walking boot!
GUSSIE
By thermal drawers!
BERTIE
By canapes!
BINGO
By Santa Claus!
GUSSIE
By all his mighty brain achieves!
BERTIE
By every spell the master weaves!
ALL
By heck! By George! By Jove! By Jeeves!
By Jeeves! By Jeeves! By Jeeves!
By Jeeves!
When Love Arrives
BERTIE
But the point of all this, let's face it, is that it's not what Gussie says, surely.
It's what he feels. I mean, love's a funny thing. It doesn't always look quite the same.
It varies from person to person, if you follow. I mean, with Budge it's a brisk covering in jam,
but with Gussie, it's more subtle - more oblique - like - steamed fish - it creeps up on you...
When love arrives, it's hard to tell
He doesn't ring the front door bell
He doesn't wait politely in the hall
Or leave his card
He doesn't wait to wipe his feet
In fact he's not at all discreet
He doesn't phone to warn you he will call and means to stay
He may not come when you're expecting him to visit -
But if he does, make sure he finds you home
Surrender now, for what's the use?
And wave that friendly flag of truce
Just rush right out to greet him
Don't hesitate at all, dear
You'll bless the day that love rings your bell
MADELINE
Ding! Ding!
BERTIE
Hallo?
MADELINE
Who's there?
BERTIE
It's love
MADELINE
Come in
BERTIE
Kiss, kiss
MADELINE
Hee-hee!
BERTIE
So close your eyes and lend an ear
For I suspect he's somewhere near
And that it's you that he has come to find
MADELINE
Oh Bertie, dear...
BERTIE
So let him hold you tight and snug -
MADELINE
Like kittens cuddled in a rug?
BERTIE
Well, that's the sort of thing I had in mind...
MADELINE
Oh look, my dear!
Each dandelion clock is very softly chiming
To tell the flowers it's time to go to bed
BERTIE
What's that she said?
MADELINE
I know this night can't be in vain
The stars shine in God's daisy chain
And even Mr. Moon's begun to snore...
BERTIE
Good grief, no more...
Look, softly now, just close your eyes -
MADELINE
And will I get a big surprise?
BERTIE
What else d'you think I'm doing all this for
You lovely thing, you?
Just wait right there till love himself arrives
Wait there...stay there...right there...don't move...stay put...
What have you got to say, Jeeves?
BERTIE
What have you got to say, Jeeves?
What have you got to say?
JEEVES
Sir -
BERTIE
Your job's to protect me and to cushion me from shocks
Not to let the poor young master end up crouching in a box
Leave him posing as a coatstand there, the minute someone knocks
No, somebody's got to pay, Jeeves
Somebody's got to pay
JEEVES
If you would allow me, sir -
BERTIE
Threatened with a lynch mob and I lose my oldest friends
I'm embroiled with random females bent on dire romantic ends
Yours is frankly not a judgement, Jeeves, on which a chap depends
It's bordering on risque, Jeeves
Utterly declasse...
JEEVES
If I might -
BERTIE
Your job's to inspire me with encouragement and praise
Not abandon me with Stiffy in some frightful leafy maze
Not to make me change my name three times in just as many days
Here I am in an extreme position
General Custer out of ammunition
Didn't get here by my own volition
As Tennyson once thundered
Someone here has badly blundered
JEEVES
Sir -
BERTIE
It's chaos and disarray, Jeeves
Misery and dismay
JEEVES
Perhaps if i could interr -
BERTIE
Calling this a shambles is to understate the case
Look at all these banjo lovers, not a dry eye in the place
I shall never have the nerve again to look them in the face
So what have you got to say, Jeeves?
What have you got to say?
JEEVES
I fear I must confess it, sir
Despite my best endeavours to
Ensure a fluid narrative
Things haven't gone to plan
Evens were overtaken, sir
By unseen technicalities
I really can assure you, though
I've done the best I can
There comes the odd occasion, sir
When facing up to destiny
We'd do as well as well remembering
A man is but a man
You have my firm assurances
That come the grand denouement, sir
Events will all resolve themselves
In spite of come what may
I only can apologize
For any inconvenience
Injurious to your dignity
That happens on the way
I simply wish to emphasize
I have your interests uppermost
And that, sir, in conclusion, sir
Is all I have to say!
Half a Moment
HAROLD
Time, they say, is relative
Infinite as space
This must be eternity
Neither time nor place...
Half a moment
We are together
I shall want
Half a moment
I shall treasure
Keep it locked away
For some future rainy day
Should you leave me
With just this moment
In my mind, I will capture it anew
Like some picture
Taken in my childhood
Half a moment
Spent with you
STIFFY
Time looks kindly
On fleeting lovers
They can turn
The briefest hour into a day
Turn a moment
To a lifetime
Making it to last
Blending future with the past...
Ev'ry moment
We spend together
I don't care
What they say or try to do
Can't erase it
All that's gone between us
Shared with you
BOTH
Half a moment
We are together
I shall want
No one else and nothing new
Half a moment
I shall treasure
Keep it locked away
For some future rainy day
We're together
What else can matter?
Even though half a moment
Is too few
I shall save it
Till I have another
Making one whole moment
Filled with you
It's a Pig!
HONORIA
Who are you? Someone quick! There's a man broken in!
In a pig mask, broken in my bedroom!
Stand well clear! He's all mine!
I can deal with this swine
With this chauvinist pig in my bedroom!
When I'm through, I will bet
You will live to regret
that you picked on me, you and I ever met
I'm teaching you a lesson that you never will forget
You're a pig! What a pig! What a pig!
MADELINE
Oh dear, help! It's a pig! Daddy, help it's a pig!
There's a beastly piggy in my bedroom
HONORIA
Cornered! He's cornered!
MADELINE
Is it real or a dream?
Get away, or I'll scream!
Who on earth let this pig in my bedroom?
HONORIA
Lend a hand! Bar the door!
And we've trapped him for sure
MADELINE
I shall die if the thing makes a mess on my floor...
HONORIA
Speaking as a woman who has hunted wild boar
What's a pig, more or less? What's a pig?
Now we've got him!
BERTIE
Look, it's Bertie...
HONORIA
Nice and easy...
MADELINE
It's so dirty!
BERTIE
Listen, Maddy...
MADELINE
Don't come near me!
HONORIA
Don't dare touch her, do you hear me!
BERTIE
Oh, this damn thing's stuck completely!
Exit Wooster, swift and sweetly!
HONORIA/MADELINE
Follow that pig!
BASSETT
Bless my soul! Who are you? What on earth's going on?
There's a circus artist in my bedroom
MADELINE
Stop him!
HONORIA
We've got him!
BASSETT
Can't believe both my eyes
There's a chap in disguise
There's a cat burgling pig in my bedroom
Careful, girls, all stand back
He may try to attack...
It's a well known fact that they hunt as a pack
Wait while I distract him, try to put him off the track
Watch that pig!
HONORIA
Watch the pig!
MADELINE
Watch the pig!
BERTIE
Listen, people...
BASSETT
Don't you try it!
MADELINE
Tried to kiss me
BERTIE
I deny it!
BASSETT
Oh, you swine you!
HONORIA
Caught him looting!
BASSETT
Raise your hands or I'll start shooting!
BERTIE
With a badly bruised libido
Exit Wooster tres rapido
HONORIA, MADELINE, BASSETT
Follow that pig!
Hunt the pig! Hunt the pig! Hunt the two-legged pig!
There's a pig loose somewhere in the house here
GUSSIE/HONORIA/MADELINE
Find him!
BASSETT/GUSSIE
And catch him!
MADELINE/HONORIA
Everybody look out
For the glimpse of a snout
BASSETT/GUSSIE
For the click of his trotters on the stairway
MADELINE
There he is!
HONORIA
False alarm!
BASSETT
We must try to keep calm
MADELINE
I'm afraid! I'm afraid!
GUSSIE
Then take hold of my arm
BASSETT
I'll let him have both barrels, it'll work just like a charm
On the pig
BERTIE
Steady on!
ALL
There's the pig!
There's the pig! There's the pig! There's the housebreaker pig!
There's the pig with criminal intentions
Once he's caught there is talk
We'll reduce him to pork
In a way that's too terrible to mention
Can't escape, now he's caught
He can grunt he can snort
It's a great new game, chasing porkers for sport
Now we've got him cornered there's a lesson to be taught
To the pig, to the pig, to the pig
Banjo Boy
BERTIE & COMPANY
Who's the man you've all been sitting there anticipating?
Whos' the man with his instrument ready, willing and waiting?
Who's the man for whom your breath has been eagerly baiting?
If I hadn't already confessed it
You'd no doubt already have guessed it
Banjo boy, banjo boy, play a number for me
Won't you play that melody?
When you start your plain' - Mama starts a-swayin'
She's right there with 'em - stompin' that rhythym
Banjo boy, banjo boy, play the razzamatazz
You're the sunny southland's king
You set Dixie hummin' it - when you started strummin' it
See those fingers goin'
When you start to syncopate
Songbirds seem to orchestrate
The Swanee stops it's flowin'
Just hear him play
Who can plunk your heartstrings full of joy
That's banjo boy
COMPANY
Hear him go
Don't you know
Love him so
Let him swing
And do his thing
He's the king
Ring-a-ding
BERTIE & COMPANY
Banjo boy, banjo boy, you're the musical sun
In those southern sunny skies
Feet will start their fidgets - see those magic digits
Hands are a clappin' - fingers a snappin'
Banjo boy, banjo boy, play that favourite tune
That the old folks love to sing
Can't you hear the people cry
Wann see those fingers fly
COMPANY
Listen to him playin'
Can't you hear those children roar
Dixie's shoutin' out for more
Hear the steamboats blowin'
Eight to the bar
Who's that cotton pickin' hunk of joy?
That golden kid that fashion can't destroy?
Whose name they shout from Maine to Illinois?
That's banjo boy!
Banjo boy!
