By Jeeves

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By Jeeves

Music: Andrew Lloyd Webber

Lyrics: Alan Ayckbourn

Book: Alan Ayckbourn

Premiere: Tuesday, April 22, 1975

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The Code of the Woosters

BERTIE

I obey the Code of the Woosters. It's a simple philosophy.

When perhaps a chap's in trouble. I respond with alacrity.

And if my fellow men have problems

Whatever they might be

They call on me

The sterling Wooster B.

For despite

This easy nature

Come the evening

When battle dawns

To see a Wooster

Grab the livestock by both the horns

For when a Wooster's mask of pleasure

Becomes a steely stare

You'll know he's there

He'll never turn a hair

What would a chap do without it?

How would he get through without it?

How could he stay true wihtout the Code of the Woosters?

If you're at sea, I shall be there, even put off tea to be there

Woosters have swum oceans for the Code of

Allegiance duly owed to the Wooster Code

What a load

If a girl

Is in the doldrums

Not a paddle

To her name

I'll be there

Though frankly speaking

Womanizing's not my game

But if she's really in a lather

Wild eyed and hat askew

He'll see her through

Old you know who...

Whenever it calls, can't ignore it, even give up Ascot for it

Woosters have died gladly for the code of

For that rugged, heavy load called the Wooster Code

What a load

Take my card

In case you need me, if you're jousting a losing cause

Like the chap

Who wins the double

I can rattle

The natural laws

So if you're eaten up with anguish

I'll snatch you from its jaws

No second's pause

From one sincerely yours...

It's alright!

He's on call both day and night

Turning darkness into light

Ubique illuminatus

Wooster is ready to fight!

Wooster is ready to fight!

 

Travel Hopefully (Part One)

BERTIE

I've invariably found

That feet kept on the ground

Allow the grass to grow

Check your mirrors front and rear

Slip smoothly into gear

Then hit the road and go

Feel the pistons steady beat

The camshaft 'neath your feet

That big end start to fly...

JEEVES

May I advise a modicum of caution, sir...

BERTIE

He who hesitates is lost

Burn bridges once they're crossed

Don't stop to say goodbye

JEEVES

There is a blind corner approaching, sir...

BERTIE

My philosophy's to travel hopefully

And making each day that I survive

An opportunity to share the company

That welcomes me when I arrive

Hark the mistle-thrush's cry

The hedge-rows rushing by

The curlew on the wing

JEEVES

That is a crow, sir.

BERTIE

List! Some distant church's bells

'Midst bracing country smells

Those fields of golden - thing...

JEEVES

Corn, sir.

BERTIE

My philosophy's to travel hopefully

And making each day that I survive

An opportunity to share the company

That welcomes me when I arrive

Travel's broadened out my mind

Until today you'll find...

JEEVES

The widest head I know...

BERTIE

Thank you, Jeeves. You did say wisest, didn't you?

JEEVES

Oh yes, sir.

BERTIE

Every traveller I meet

I'll always stop to greet

JEEVES

Be careful how you go, sir...

BERTIE

My philosophy's to travel hopefully

And making each day that I survive

An opportunity to share the company

That welcomes me when I arrive

Travel hopefully with me

And I will guarantee

There'll be no pause for doubt

Hit the nearest country track

No time for looking back

Look onwards and - look out!!!!

Travel Hopefully (Part Two)

BINGO

Sounds sweet

BERTIE

Goes like a bird. Hold on to your hat.

BINGO

Hey, this is more like it...

BOTH

My philosophy's to travel hopefully

And making each day that I survive

An opportunity to share the company

That welcomes me when I arrive

BINGO

Travel hopefully with me

Let all your thoughts run free

BERTIE

We can't have come this far...

BINGO

What's that?

BERTIE

Nothing

BINGO

Till with any luck you'll feel

Your inner voice reveal

BERTIE

Just where the hell we are

BOTH

Hopeful travellers me and you

That Was Nearly Us

HONORIA

Did you see that couple there?

BERTIE

Can't say I did...

HONORIA

Standing by the tree?

BERTIE

Really? Was it raining?

HONORIA

That was nearly us back there

BERTIE

Don't quite follow...

HONORIA

Nearly you and me

BERTIE

Oh yes, I see. Brrmmm!

HONORIA

Bertie, you've been badly neglected

You need a wife who'll correct it

The secret with men, of course, is

To treat them a bit like horses...

Did you see those lovers there?

BERTIE

No, I think they were pheasants, actually...

HONORIA

Even you could see

BERTIE

Oh, lovers! I thought you said plovers, sorry.

HONORIA

Oh, so nearly us back there

BERTIE

Was it? Nearly ran over them, then...

HONORIA

Nearly you and me

BERTIE

Appear to be running out of cardboard...

HONORIA

Could it be we took some wrong turning?

Is this a lesson worth learning?

Can't you see that couple there

Could well have been you and me?

BERTIE

Hump back bridge!

HONORIA

That was nearly us back there

Wouldn't you concur?

BERTIE

Hairpin bend, hang on...

HONORIA

He was so like you back there

I could have been her

BERTIE

No, I think they were both very much shorter.

HONORIA

Here you are, so vital, attractive-

Would that your brain was as active

You're nobody's intellectual

You hot-blooded het'rosexual...

BERTIE

Oh, now, simmer down...

HONORIA

Was it merely lucky chance

Brought us here today?

Victims both of circumstance

Meeting you this way

BERTIE

Brrrrmmmm! Brrrrrmmmm!!

HONORIA

It's as though our lives had been frozen

Back on the paths we'd both chosen

Giving us a fleeting glimpse

Of all that was meant to be

That was surely us back there

It's as clear as day

If we'd both kept faith back there

Hadn't lost our way

BERTIE

Nearly there ... Here's the village

HONORIA

What if we defied dull convention?

Stood up to shout our intention?

BERTIE

Steady!

HONORIA

If we'd followed our heart's volition

and shed our last inhibition?

BERTIE

Here we are! At last!

HONORIA

That's out future life back there

BERTIE

Cheerio then!

HONORIA

Bertie, can't you see?

BERTIE

You'd better hop in there smartish...

HONORIA

That was meant for us back there

BERTIE

You don't want to get gangrene...

HONORIA

All we're meant to be

Time we took the plain facts and faced them

Turned in our tracks and retraced them

Back to when that couple there

So clearly were you and me...

Love's Maze

STIFFY

Deep in love's maze

There my heart strays

Caught in a flurry of worry and doubt

Down love's pathways

There my heart plays

Whispering secrets it's longing to shout

All I need's a sympathetic friend

To help me find a way to leave -

Love's maze is a magical labyrinth

Close paths hidden far from gaze

Love's maze is for lovers in jeopardy

Lost there in a rainbow haze

Won't you save me?

Please assist me

Help me decipher its intricate ways?

Love has touched me

Love has kissed me

Holding me prisoner deep in this maze

BERTIE

Well, you can't blame me. Cupid never pays

You'll saunter round for day's inside love's -

STIFFY

Love's maze is a mystical wonderland

Conceals what the heart conveys

Love's maze is a puzzle in paradise

Misleads all the eye surveys

BERTIE

I did warn you

I have sworn to

Steer a wide berth, for I know to my cost

It's predicted

Self-inflicted

People in mazes do tend to get lost

STIFFY

All I need's a very special friend

To rescue me from here inside

STIFFY & MAIDS

Love's maze is a crazy kaleidoscope

All roads leading diff'rent ways

Love's maze, like a swaying calliope

One dance where the piper pays

Love's maze is a hatter's mad party time

One feast lasting nights and days

Love's maze is a firework spectacular

Bright skies as the bonfires blaze

All praise as we dance in its corridors

All part of these grand displays

Behold every lover who's ever born

All lost in their own love's maze

STIFFY

All I need's a little help from you...

BERTIE

You'll never drag me there inside love's -

ALL

Love's maze is a crazy kaleidoscope

All roads leading diff'rent ways

Love's maze, like a swaying calliope

One dance where the piper pays

Love's maze is a hatter's mad party time

One feast lasting nights and days

Love's maze is a firework spectacular

Bright skies as the bonfires blaze

Love's maze is a magical labyrinth

Close paths hidden far from gaze

Love's maze is for lovers in jeopardy

Lost there in a rainbow haze

All praise as we dance in its corridors

All part of these grand displays

Behold every lover who's ever born

All lost in their own love's maze

The Hallo Song

BERTIE

It's an English tradition

We like to say hallo

We hope by shaking hands that we'll recall your name

We work on that basis, remembering faces

But that's about all

I know you're somebody something

It's on the tip of my tongue

You're either Edith Sitwell or the Bow Street Beak

I'll know who you are, the moment you speak ...

But meanwhile, just put in right there

How do you do?

BUDGE

How do you do?

GUSSIE

How do you do?

BERTIE

Hallo again...

BUDGE

How goes it all?

GUSSIE

Good day to you

BERTIE

You keeping fit?

BUDGE

So great to meet you

GUSSIE

It's been an age

BERTIE

A tiny world

BUDGE

How do you -

GUSSIE

How do you -

BERTIE

How do you -

BUDGE

How do you -

ALL

How do you do?

BUDGE

How's life with you?

GUSSIE

Good evening all

BERTIE

You're looking well

BUDGE

Well, hi there, stranger

GUSSIE

Surprise, surprise

BERTIE

What could be nicer, meeting like this?

I confess I've forgotten

Who on earth you can be

It could be you're Nijinsky or the man next door-

BUDGE

How do you -

GUSSIE

How do you -

BERTIE

How do you -

BUDGE

How do you -

ALL

How do you do?

GUSSIE

You're either Pablo Picasso

BUDGE

Or maybe Harpo Marx

BERTIE

You might be Sarah Bernhardt - no, you're Wittgenstein

GUSSIE

Whoever I am though, the pleasure's all mine

BUDGE

Let's take it and shake it right there

BERTIE

Well, fancy this

GUSSIE

It's surely not?

BUDGE

I can't believe

BERTIE

Good Lord alive!

GUSSIE

How long's it been?

BUDGE

You've hardly changed

BERTIE

You've lost some weight

GUSSIE

I can't believe it!

BUDGE

It's been a while

BERTIE

You're just the same

BUDGE

How do you -

GUSSIE

How do you -

BERTIE

How do you -

BUDGE

How do you -

ALL

How do you do?

GUSSIE

What brings you here?

BERTIE

How's life back home?

BUDGE

How's business been?

GUSSIE

And how's your father?

BERTIE

My sainted aunt!

What could be better, meeting like this?

Though I haven't an inkling

Not a clue who you are

You could be Amy Johnson

BUDGE

No, I'm Al Capone. How do you -

GUSSIE

How do you -

BERTIE

How do you -

BUDGE

How do you -

ALL

How do you do?

BUDGE

Aren't you Marlene Dietrich?

GUSSIE

I think I'm Bernard Shaw

BERTIE

It really doesn't matter who on earth you are

The truth of it all is our friendship's been far

Too long now to bother with names

It's just another episode

In the Wooster moral code

Let's extend the hand of greeting

ALL

Hallo there, whoever you are

How do you do

By Jeeves

BERTIE

It is patently clear

Any awkwardness here

Can be cleared up in less than a trice

Our identity switch

Who is who, which is which

We're in need of some solid advice

There's a painfully simple solution

It's as plain as the nose on your face

BINGO

By gad!

GUSSIE

By gosh!

BINGO

By heck!

GUSSIE

By gum!

BINGO

By rabbit's foot!

GUSSIE

By kingdom come!

BERTIE

By all my sainted aunt believes!

BINGO

By George!

GUSSIE

By Jove!

ALL

By Jeeves!

When we're faced with the grind

Of exerting the mind

We are filled with a deep sense of dread

BERTIE

"How on earth," I hear cries

"Does one give exercise

To a thing that's in bed in your head?"

BINGO

What we need is a free range consultant

GUSSIE

Where on earth do you find one of those?

BERTIE

By hook! By crook!

BINGO

By way! By pass!

GUSSIE

By sea! By air!

BERTIE

By road!

BINGO

By grass!

GUSSIE

By seven dwarves!

BERTIE

By forty thieves!

ALL

By George! By Jove! By Jeeves!

BERTIE

By shuttlecock!

GUSSIE

By croquet hoop!

BINGO

By Panama!

BERTIE

By Windsor soup!

GUSSIE

By all those cards tucked up his sleeves!

ALL

By George! By Jove! By Jeeves!

Our collective I.Q.

Of around 42

Cannot cope, to be perfectly frank

All true leaders of men

Delegate now and then

Try to keep their minds totally blank

To appreciate loftier matters

BINGO

Things that mostly go over my head

BERTIE

By derby day!

GUSSIE

By nursery tea!

BINGO

By moose!

BERTIE

By spoons!

GUSSIE

By half past three!

BINGO

By every tender breast that heaves!

ALL

By George! By Jove! By Jeeves!

BERTIE

By marmalade!

GUSSIE

By bowler hat!

BINGO

By toothpaste tube!

BERTIE

By Burmese cat!

GUSSIE

By baby newts!

BINGO

By autumn leaves!

ALL

By George! By Jove! By Jeeves!

Behold how Jeeves with sleight of hand

Conceives a scheme so carefully planned

Even we can understand

If he takes it terribly slow - ly

BERTIE

By Basingstoke!

BINGO

By cardboard box!

GUSSIE

By Budge's knees!

BERTIE

By Bassett's socks!

BINGO

By each that conjuror deceives!

ALL

By George! By Jove! By Jeeves!

BERTIE

By jumping jack!

GUSSIE

By easy chair!

BINGO

By Bain Marie!

BERTIE

By Camembert!

GUSSIE

By every fruit bat in the eaves!

ALL

By George! By Jove! By Jeeves!

BINGO

By walking boot!

GUSSIE

By thermal drawers!

BERTIE

By canapes!

BINGO

By Santa Claus!

GUSSIE

By all his mighty brain achieves!

BERTIE

By every spell the master weaves!

ALL

By heck! By George! By Jove! By Jeeves!

By Jeeves! By Jeeves! By Jeeves!

By Jeeves!

When Love Arrives

BERTIE

But the point of all this, let's face it, is that it's not what Gussie says, surely.

It's what he feels. I mean, love's a funny thing. It doesn't always look quite the same.

It varies from person to person, if you follow. I mean, with Budge it's a brisk covering in jam,

but with Gussie, it's more subtle - more oblique - like - steamed fish - it creeps up on you...

When love arrives, it's hard to tell

He doesn't ring the front door bell

He doesn't wait politely in the hall

Or leave his card

He doesn't wait to wipe his feet

In fact he's not at all discreet

He doesn't phone to warn you he will call and means to stay

He may not come when you're expecting him to visit -

But if he does, make sure he finds you home

Surrender now, for what's the use?

And wave that friendly flag of truce

Just rush right out to greet him

Don't hesitate at all, dear

You'll bless the day that love rings your bell

MADELINE

Ding! Ding!

BERTIE

Hallo?

MADELINE

Who's there?

BERTIE

It's love

MADELINE

Come in

BERTIE

Kiss, kiss

MADELINE

Hee-hee!

BERTIE

So close your eyes and lend an ear

For I suspect he's somewhere near

And that it's you that he has come to find

MADELINE

Oh Bertie, dear...

BERTIE

So let him hold you tight and snug -

MADELINE

Like kittens cuddled in a rug?

BERTIE

Well, that's the sort of thing I had in mind...

MADELINE

Oh look, my dear!

Each dandelion clock is very softly chiming

To tell the flowers it's time to go to bed

BERTIE

What's that she said?

MADELINE

I know this night can't be in vain

The stars shine in God's daisy chain

And even Mr. Moon's begun to snore...

BERTIE

Good grief, no more...

Look, softly now, just close your eyes -

MADELINE

And will I get a big surprise?

BERTIE

What else d'you think I'm doing all this for

You lovely thing, you?

Just wait right there till love himself arrives

Wait there...stay there...right there...don't move...stay put...

What have you got to say, Jeeves?

BERTIE

What have you got to say, Jeeves?

What have you got to say?

JEEVES

Sir -

BERTIE

Your job's to protect me and to cushion me from shocks

Not to let the poor young master end up crouching in a box

Leave him posing as a coatstand there, the minute someone knocks

No, somebody's got to pay, Jeeves

Somebody's got to pay

JEEVES

If you would allow me, sir -

BERTIE

Threatened with a lynch mob and I lose my oldest friends

I'm embroiled with random females bent on dire romantic ends

Yours is frankly not a judgement, Jeeves, on which a chap depends

It's bordering on risque, Jeeves

Utterly declasse...

JEEVES

If I might -

BERTIE

Your job's to inspire me with encouragement and praise

Not abandon me with Stiffy in some frightful leafy maze

Not to make me change my name three times in just as many days

Here I am in an extreme position

General Custer out of ammunition

Didn't get here by my own volition

As Tennyson once thundered

Someone here has badly blundered

JEEVES

Sir -

BERTIE

It's chaos and disarray, Jeeves

Misery and dismay

JEEVES

Perhaps if i could interr -

BERTIE

Calling this a shambles is to understate the case

Look at all these banjo lovers, not a dry eye in the place

I shall never have the nerve again to look them in the face

So what have you got to say, Jeeves?

What have you got to say?

JEEVES

I fear I must confess it, sir

Despite my best endeavours to

Ensure a fluid narrative

Things haven't gone to plan

Evens were overtaken, sir

By unseen technicalities

I really can assure you, though

I've done the best I can

There comes the odd occasion, sir

When facing up to destiny

We'd do as well as well remembering

A man is but a man

You have my firm assurances

That come the grand denouement, sir

Events will all resolve themselves

In spite of come what may

I only can apologize

For any inconvenience

Injurious to your dignity

That happens on the way

I simply wish to emphasize

I have your interests uppermost

And that, sir, in conclusion, sir

Is all I have to say!

Half a Moment

HAROLD

Time, they say, is relative

Infinite as space

This must be eternity

Neither time nor place...

Half a moment

We are together

I shall want

Half a moment

I shall treasure

Keep it locked away

For some future rainy day

Should you leave me

With just this moment

In my mind, I will capture it anew

Like some picture

Taken in my childhood

Half a moment

Spent with you

STIFFY

Time looks kindly

On fleeting lovers

They can turn

The briefest hour into a day

Turn a moment

To a lifetime

Making it to last

Blending future with the past...

Ev'ry moment

We spend together

I don't care

What they say or try to do

Can't erase it

All that's gone between us

Shared with you

BOTH

Half a moment

We are together

I shall want

No one else and nothing new

Half a moment

I shall treasure

Keep it locked away

For some future rainy day

We're together

What else can matter?

Even though half a moment

Is too few

I shall save it

Till I have another

Making one whole moment

Filled with you

It's a Pig!

HONORIA

Who are you? Someone quick! There's a man broken in!

In a pig mask, broken in my bedroom!

Stand well clear! He's all mine!

I can deal with this swine

With this chauvinist pig in my bedroom!

When I'm through, I will bet

You will live to regret

that you picked on me, you and I ever met

I'm teaching you a lesson that you never will forget

You're a pig! What a pig! What a pig!

MADELINE

Oh dear, help! It's a pig! Daddy, help it's a pig!

There's a beastly piggy in my bedroom

HONORIA

Cornered! He's cornered!

MADELINE

Is it real or a dream?

Get away, or I'll scream!

Who on earth let this pig in my bedroom?

HONORIA

Lend a hand! Bar the door!

And we've trapped him for sure

MADELINE

I shall die if the thing makes a mess on my floor...

HONORIA

Speaking as a woman who has hunted wild boar

What's a pig, more or less? What's a pig?

Now we've got him!

BERTIE

Look, it's Bertie...

HONORIA

Nice and easy...

MADELINE

It's so dirty!

BERTIE

Listen, Maddy...

MADELINE

Don't come near me!

HONORIA

Don't dare touch her, do you hear me!

BERTIE

Oh, this damn thing's stuck completely!

Exit Wooster, swift and sweetly!

HONORIA/MADELINE

Follow that pig!

BASSETT

Bless my soul! Who are you? What on earth's going on?

There's a circus artist in my bedroom

MADELINE

Stop him!

HONORIA

We've got him!

BASSETT

Can't believe both my eyes

There's a chap in disguise

There's a cat burgling pig in my bedroom

Careful, girls, all stand back

He may try to attack...

It's a well known fact that they hunt as a pack

Wait while I distract him, try to put him off the track

Watch that pig!

HONORIA

Watch the pig!

MADELINE

Watch the pig!

BERTIE

Listen, people...

BASSETT

Don't you try it!

MADELINE

Tried to kiss me

BERTIE

I deny it!

BASSETT

Oh, you swine you!

HONORIA

Caught him looting!

BASSETT

Raise your hands or I'll start shooting!

BERTIE

With a badly bruised libido

Exit Wooster tres rapido

HONORIA, MADELINE, BASSETT

Follow that pig!

Hunt the pig! Hunt the pig! Hunt the two-legged pig!

There's a pig loose somewhere in the house here

GUSSIE/HONORIA/MADELINE

Find him!

BASSETT/GUSSIE

And catch him!

MADELINE/HONORIA

Everybody look out

For the glimpse of a snout

BASSETT/GUSSIE

For the click of his trotters on the stairway

MADELINE

There he is!

HONORIA

False alarm!

BASSETT

We must try to keep calm

MADELINE

I'm afraid! I'm afraid!

GUSSIE

Then take hold of my arm

BASSETT

I'll let him have both barrels, it'll work just like a charm

On the pig

BERTIE

Steady on!

ALL

There's the pig!

There's the pig! There's the pig! There's the housebreaker pig!

There's the pig with criminal intentions

Once he's caught there is talk

We'll reduce him to pork

In a way that's too terrible to mention

Can't escape, now he's caught

He can grunt he can snort

It's a great new game, chasing porkers for sport

Now we've got him cornered there's a lesson to be taught

To the pig, to the pig, to the pig

Banjo Boy

BERTIE & COMPANY

Who's the man you've all been sitting there anticipating?

Whos' the man with his instrument ready, willing and waiting?

Who's the man for whom your breath has been eagerly baiting?

If I hadn't already confessed it

You'd no doubt already have guessed it

Banjo boy, banjo boy, play a number for me

Won't you play that melody?

When you start your plain' - Mama starts a-swayin'

She's right there with 'em - stompin' that rhythym

Banjo boy, banjo boy, play the razzamatazz

You're the sunny southland's king

You set Dixie hummin' it - when you started strummin' it

See those fingers goin'

When you start to syncopate

Songbirds seem to orchestrate

The Swanee stops it's flowin'

Just hear him play

Who can plunk your heartstrings full of joy

That's banjo boy

COMPANY

Hear him go

Don't you know

Love him so

Let him swing

And do his thing

He's the king

Ring-a-ding

BERTIE & COMPANY

Banjo boy, banjo boy, you're the musical sun

In those southern sunny skies

Feet will start their fidgets - see those magic digits

Hands are a clappin' - fingers a snappin'

Banjo boy, banjo boy, play that favourite tune

That the old folks love to sing

Can't you hear the people cry

Wann see those fingers fly

COMPANY

Listen to him playin'

Can't you hear those children roar

Dixie's shoutin' out for more

Hear the steamboats blowin'

Eight to the bar

Who's that cotton pickin' hunk of joy?

That golden kid that fashion can't destroy?

Whose name they shout from Maine to Illinois?

That's banjo boy!

Banjo boy!

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