Chapter two

CHAPTER TWO

Neil Simon

Characters:

GEORGE SCHNEIDER

JENNIE MALONE

LEO SCHNEIDER

FAYE MEDWICK

ACT 1 - SCENE 1

The set consists of two separate apartments on opposite sides of Manhattan - GEORGE SCHNEIDER lives in one; JEN­NIE MALONE, in the other. His apartment, stage left, is located in the mid-seventies on Central Park West. It is one of New York's older buildings, and the ceilings and rooms are higher and larger than the smaller, flatter, uninteresting boxes they build today. Hers is one of the smaller, flatter, uninteresting boxes they build today. It is in the upper eighties off Third Avenue.

His is decorated in a traditional, comfortable style - large inviting armchairs and sofa, bookcases from floor to ceiling, lots of personal photographs of him and his wife.

Hers is modern, bright, attractive and cheerful. That's because she is.

We see the living rooms of both apartments plus the en­trance doors. His apartment has a kitchen and an archway that leads into four other rooms. Hers has a small kitchen and single bedroom.

It about to:3o P. M. in his apartment. The door opens and GEORGE SCHNEIDER enters. He wears a coat and scarf and carries a large fully packed leather suitcase and an attaché case. He turns on the lights. GEORGE is forty-two years old, an attractive, intelligent man who at this moment seems tired and drawn. He puts down his bags, looks around the room, and goes over to a table where his mail has been placed. A large number of letters have piled up. He goes through them, throwing every second and third piece into the wastebasket; the rest he takes with him to a chair, where he sits and starts to look through them.

LEO SCHNEIDER appears, carrying GEORGE'S other match­ing suitcase. LEO is about forty. He is wearing a suede sheep­skin coat, scarf and gloves.

LEO          (Coming through the door) George, you're not going to believe this! I found a place to park right in front of the building. First time in four years ... I think I'll buy an apartment here-I don't want to give up that space. (Puts the suitcase down) Christ Almighty, it's four degrees in here. Wh000! Whyn't you rent it out for the winter Olympics, pay your expenses. Where do you turn your heat on? (GEORGE is reading bis mail) I smell gas. Do you smell gas, George?

GEORGE   (Looks up) What?

LEO            Gas, for Chrissakes! (He runs into the kitchen, to the stove. GEORGE continues to read his mail. LEO comes out) It was on. Didn't you check it before you left? Thank God I didn't have a cigar on me. One match, we'd both be back in Italy. (Turns on the desk lamp) Where do you turn the heat on? ... George?

GEORGE   What?

LEO          Where is the heater?

GEORGE   The heater? It's, uh .

LEO          Take your time. Accuracy is important.

GEORGE   I'm sorry ... The thermostat's on the wall as you come in the bedroom.

LEO            (Looks at him) Are you all right? GEORGE No. Am I supposed to be?

LEO          You lost weight, didn't you?

GEORGE   I don't know. A couple of pounds.

LEO            Sure. Who could eat that lousy food in Paris and Rome?

GEORGE   Do you smell gas?

LEO            What?

GEORGE   I smell gas.

LEO          I think your nose is having jet lag, George. (He goes into the bedroom)

GEORGE   I was going to stay another week in Rome. Then I said, "No, I have to get back. I'm really anxious to be home.” (He looks around) I wonder why I thought that.

LEO            (Reentering) Come on. You walk into Ice Station Zebra with gas leaking in the kitchen and no fresh air in here for four and a half weeks. I mean, this is February and we're standing here breathing Janu­ary ... Why don't you make some popcorn, see what's on TV. (He takes the suitcases into the bedroom. GEORGE shakes his head)

GEORGE    God!

LEO          (Enters) You've got to see the bathroom. You left the shower dripping with the little window wide open. There are icicles hanging everywhere. It's beautiful. It looks like the john in Doctor Zhivago ... What are you reading?

GEORGE   My mail.

LEO          Anything interesting?

GEORGE   Not unless you like letters of condolence. I thought I answered my last one when I left ... Do we have an Aunt Henry?

LEO          (Offstage) Aunt Henry? We have an Uncle Henry. In Kingston, New York.

GEORGE   This is signed "Aunt Henry.”

LEO          (Offstage) Uncle Henry's about sixty-three-maybe he's going through a change of life.

GEORGE   (Reading) " 'Sorry to hear about your loss. With deepest sincerity, Aunt Henry. ' "

LEO            (Comes out of the kitchen; holding up the food) You want to see sour milk? You want to see white bread that's turned into pumpernickel all by itself? You want to see a dish of grapes that have dried into raisins?

GEORGE    (Looking at another letter) You want to listen to something, Leo?

LEO          (Trying to avoid the past) George, you just got home. You're tired. Why don't you defrost the bath­room, take a bath?

GEORGE   Just one letter: "Dear Mr. Schneider, My name is Mary Ann Patterson. We've never met, but I did know your late wife, Barbara, casually. I work at Sabrina's, where she used to come to have her hair cut. She was so beautiful and one of the warmest people I've ever met. It seems I always used to tell her my troubles, and she always found some terrific thing to say to cheer me up. I will miss her smiling face and the way she used to come bouncing into the shop like a little girl. I feel lucky to have known her. I just wanted to return a little of her good cheer. God bless you and keep you. Mary Ann Patterson.” (He puts down the letter. LEO looks at him, knowing not to intrude on this moment) What the hell did I read that for?

LEO          It's very nice. It's a sweet letter, George.

GEORGE   Barbara knew a whole world of people I never knew ... She knew that Ricco, the mailman, was a birdwatcher in Central Park, and that Vince, the butcher in Gristede's, painted miniature por­traits of cats every weekend in his basement on Staten Island . _ She talked to people all year long that I said hello to on Christmas.

LEO          (Looks at him) I think you could have used an­other month in Europe.

GEORGE       You mean, I was supposed to come home and forget I had a wife for twelve years? It doesn't work that way, Leo. It was, perhaps, the dumbest trip I ever took in my whole life. London was bankrupt, Italy was on strike, France hated me, Spain was still mourning for Franco ... Why do Americans go to grief-stricken Europe when they're trying to get over being stricken with grief?

LEO          Beats me. I always thought you could have just as rotten a time here in America.

GEORGE   What am I going to do about this apartment, Leo?

LEO          My advice? Move. Find a new place for yourself.

GEORGE   It was very spooky in London… I kept walking around the streets looking for Barbara­ Harrod's, King's Road, Portobello ... Sales clerks would say, "See what you want, sir?" and I'd say, "No, she's not here.” I know it's crazy, Leo, but I really thought to myself, It's a joke. She's not dead. She's in London waiting for me. She's just playing out this romantic fantasy: The whole world thinks she's gone, but we meet clandestinely in London, move into a flat, disappear from everyone and live out our lives in secret! ... She would have thought of something like that, you know.

LEO          But she didn't. You did.

GEORGE   In Rome I got sore at her-I mean really mad. How dare she do a thing like this to me? I would never do a thing like that to her. Never! Like a nut, walking up the Via Veneto one night, cursing my dead wife.

LEO          In Italy, they probably didn't pay attention.

GEORGE    In Italy, they agree with you. (He shrugs) Okay, Leo, my sweet baby brother, I'm back ... in the life of George Schneider. Where the hell do I begin?

LEO            I don't know. You want to go to a dance?

GEORGE   You know, you're cute. Does Marilyn think you're cute?

LEO          Yeah. It's not enough. I want all the women to think so.

GEORGE   Everything okay at home? LEO Couldn't be better.

GEORGE   You sure?

LEO          Never ask a question like that twice. I gotta go. (He buttons his coat) How about poker on Thursday?

GEORGE   I'll let you know.

LEO          Want me to get tickets for the Knicks game Sat­urday?

GEORGE   We'll talk about it

LEO          How about dinner on Sunday? Monday? Maybe Tuesday will be my good news day? (Imitates a trombone playing "The Man I Love." GEORGE doesn't respond) Hey! Hey, Georgie.

GEORGE    I'm okay, Leo. I promise. Just give me a little time, okay?

LEO          I don't know what to do for you ... I feel so goddamn helpless.

GEORGE    Well ... Maybe you can come by tomorrow and show me how to open up tuna fish.

LEO            (Looks at GEORGE) Now I'm mad. I think it stinks, too. I'm not going to forgive her for a long time, George. (LEO goes over and embraces GEORGE. Tears well up in LEO 's eyes. He pulls away and beads for the door) I'm coming back next week and the two of us are getting bombed, you understand? I mean, I want you disgusting! Then we'll drive up to Kingston and check out this Aunt Henry. If he's got money, he might be a nice catch for you. (He turns and goes quickly. GEORGE turns and looks at the apartment, then picks up his attaché case)

GEORGE    (He takes in a deep breath) Okay, let's take it one night at a time, folks. (He heads for the bedroom. The lights come down slowly)

ACT 1 - SCENE 2

Her apartment. It is mid-February, about four-thirty on a bitter-cold afternoon. The light of a winter's day is fading fast.

The door opens and JENNIE MALONE enters and switches on the lights. -She is an attractive woman, about thirty-two. She wears a camel's-hair coat, leather boots and a woolen hat. She puts down a valise and carries a heavily loaded shoulder bag. She looks around and exhales a deep sigh

Right behind her is FAYE MEDWICK, about thirty-five. FAYE dresses a bit more suburban-not chic, but right for the weather. She carries in JENNIE 's make-up case.

FAYE          I don't care how much traffic there was, no way is it twenty-six dollars from Kennedy Airport to Eighty-fourth Street. (She closes the door) It's one thing to pay for his gas, it's another to put his daughter through college. (JENNIE. takes of her coat) Remember that cabbie last year? Picked up this sweet Mexican family at the airport, drove them into the city and charged them a hundred and sixty dollars? He told them in America the cab fare starts from the time you get on the plane. I could kill sometimes ... It's nice and warm in here. You left the heat on for two weeks?

JENNIE       I told the doorman I was coming back today. He probably turned it on this morning.

FAYE          Organized. You're so damn organized. I'd give anything to be like you. I'm hungry. We should have stopped off at the grocery. (She enters the kitchen)

JENNIE       I dropped an order off with them before I left. They may have delivered it this morning.

FAYE.         (Opens the fridge, looks in) It's all there! Jesus! You fly two thousand miles to get a divorce and you remember to leave a grocery order?

JENNIE       (Dials the phone) It's that Catholic upbringing. I majored in Discipline.

FAYE          Milk, cheese, butter, eggs, bread ... Listen, would you like a job in my house? Your own room with color TV?

JENNIE       A perfect person. The nuns loved it, but it was murder on a marriage. (Into the phone) Four-six­two, please.

FAYE          Your plants look nice too. Had them watered, right?

JENNIE       Three times a week. (Into the phone) Yes?

FAYE          You have the nerve to tell that to a woman with a dead lawn and two fallen trees?

JENNIE       (Into the phone) Thank you. (Hangs up) I'm going to change my answering service. I get such boring messages.

FAYE          Is there anything you forgot?

JENNIE     Nothing. I've got everything planned up until five o'clock. Starting at 5:01-help! If it's so warm in here, why am I shivering?

FAYE          You just cut off six years of your life. Giggling would be inappropriate.

JENNIE       I can still smell the ghost of Gus's cigar. God, what a cheap thing to be haunted by ... He proba­bly came by to pick up the rest of his clothes.

FAYE       Sidney's been complaining the dry cleaner I use does terrible work. I haven't got the nerve to tell him I keep forgetting to send it out.

JENNIE     Y'know, I never realized I had so many books I never read ... Okay, Catch-22, we're going to try it one more time.

FAYE          You see, I think that's wrong. To tackle heavy­weight material is not what you should be doing now. I would read filth.

JENNIE     Listen, you're not going to hang around till I've readjusted, are you, Faye?

FAYE       Well, you've got to go slowly. I don't want you to get the bends. (Looking out the window) Oh, God!

JENNIE       What?

FAYE          I'm watching the most gorgeous naked person across the street.

JENNIE       Man or woman?

FAYE          Can't tell. It's a rear view.

JENNIE       That's probably Lupe, the Spanish dancer. Beautiful body.

FAYE          Fantastic. Women are really terrific. No won­der we drive men crazy ... some of us ... Did you ever fantasize making love to a beautiful woman?

JENNIE       You're not going to make any advances, are you, Faye? I'm really very tired.

FAYE          It's just that sometimes I watch Sidney drool­ing over those Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, and I was wondering what I was missing in life ... Maybe I never should have left Texas.

JENNIE       What's wrong this week?

FAYE          Sidney and I had dinner with friends last week. A couple married twenty years, the man never stopped fondling his wife for a minute. They both said it was the best time of their lives-that they really never knew how to enjoy each other till now. And I thought to myself, "Shit. Twelve more years to go until the good times.”

JENNIE       Did you tell that to Sidney?

FAYE          (Putting on her coat) Not yet. I can't get an ap­pointment with his secretary.

JENNIE       I don't understand you. I know more about what's wrong with your married life than Sidney does. Why don't you speak up? What are you afraid of? What do you think would happen to you if you told him what you tell me in the privacy of this room?

FAYE          That next time you'd be picking me up at the airport.

JENNIE       Oh, God, that infuriates me. Why are we so intimidated? I wasted five lousy years living with Gus trying to justify the one good year I had with him ... because I wouldn't take responsibility for my own life. Dumb! You're dumb, Jennie Malone! All of us ... We shouldn't get alimony, we should get the years back. Wouldn't it be great if just once the judge said, "I award you six years, three months, two days and custody of your former youthful body and fresh glowing skin"!

FAYE          I would be in such terrific shape if you were my mother.

JENNIE       Don't give me too much credit. I talk a terrific life _ . Now, go on home. I want to crawl into bed and try to remember what my maiden name was.

FAYE          Are you sure you'll be all right? All alone?

JENNIE       NO. But I want to be. (They embrace)

FAYE       You can call me in the middle of the night. Sidney and I aren't doing anything. (FAYE leaves. JENNIE takes her suitcase into the bed­room)

ACT 1 - SCENE 3

His apartment. It is the next night, about S P. M. GEORGE is obviously having difficulty concentrating at the typewriter. He is wearing slacks, an open-neck shirt, woolen cardigan and slippers_ The phone rings as he is typing.

GEORGE    (Into the phone) Hello ... Yes ... Who's this? ... Leona Zorn ... Oh, yes. Yes, I received your note. I was very dismayed to hear that you and Harvey broke up ... Well, I wouldn't say we were close friends. He's a wonderful chiropractor … Dinner on Thursday? Thursday ... Thursday … Ah, nuts, I have something on for Thursday … The following Thursday? (The doorbell rings) Gee, I think I have something on for that night, too. Uh, Mrs. Zorn, will you just hold on? I want to get my doorbell. (He lays the receiver down; under his breath) Oh, Jesus! (He opens the door. LEO enters)

LEO            Sit down. I have to talk to you.

GEORGE       just a minute, Leo, I'm on the phone. (Into the phone) Mrs. Zorn? ... You said the following Thurs­day? ... I think I have something on for that night, but let me check my diary. I'll be right back. (He puts the receiver down and goes over to LEO. GEORGE beckons, gesturing that phone is "open") Leo, there's a woman on the phone asking me for a date. LEO Yeah? ... So?

GEORGE    (Whispers) Her husband was my chiropractor.

LEO            So what?

GEORGE    He left her for an ice-skater in Las Vegas. LEO What does she look like?

GEORGE    Like someone you would leave for an ice-skater in Las Vegas.

LEO            So what's your problem?

GEORGE    (Annoyed) What do you mean, what's my
problem? I don't want to have dinner with her.

LEO            What do you want to have?

GEORGE       Nothing! I want her to hang up. I don't want her to call me. Look, she's probably a very nice woman. I don't want to be cruel to her, but I don't want to have dinner with her.

LEO            Would you feel better if I took her out? What's her name? I'll talk to her.  (GEORGE stops him)

GEORGE       Leo! Please! (Back into the phone) Mrs. Zorn?. I'm sorry to keep you waiting . Uh, Mrs. Zorn, I've always found it better to be completely honest ... and ... I'm really not all that anxious to go out at this particular time ... Well, I've tried it a few times and it wasn't all that successful ... I just don't think I'm psychologically ready ... Well, I don'tthink I can give an exact date when I would be ready ... (LEO does push-ups on the floor) Well, yes, in a manner of speaking, we are in the same boat ... But we don't necessarily have to paddle together ... think we have to go up our own streams.

LEO            Jesus!

GEORGE    Well, yes, it is possible we could meet up­river one day, I don't rule that out.

LEO            Is that from The African Queen? (GEORGE pulls the. receiver away so LEO TS remark will not be beard)

GEORGE    Leo, please! (Into phone) Yes, Yes ... Well, you sound charming too ... Well, if I do reconsider, I will call ... Yes. Goodbye. (He hangs up) Christ! The guy leaves me with a bad back and his wife!

LEO            (Gets up) There just aren't enough men to go around. I want to help out, but Marilyn doesn't understand.

GEORGE    Women call me up, Leo. Women! They call me up on the phone.

LEO            What else would they call you up on?

GEORGE    But they're so frank about it. So open. They just come right out with it "How do you do. I've been recently widowed myself.” Or, "Hi! I'm a divorcee.” "I'm legally separated.” "I'm illegally separated.” One woman called, I swear to God, I think her husband was just on vacation.

LEO            It's a competitive world, George. The woman who sits waiting by the phone sits waiting by the phone.

GEORGE    Do you know I've been invited to three class reunions at schools I never even went to?

LEO            Listen, George, next to Christmas, loneliness is the biggest business in America.

GEORGE    Do you realize how much courage it must have taken for that woman to call me up just now?

LEO            And you think you were the first and only one she's called? She probably has her husband's entire list of clients. If she called you, she's only up to the "Georges.”

GEORGE    And you don't find that sad?

LEO            Certainly I find it sad. That's why they have game shows on TV ... Now, if you want to feel sorry for yourself and everyone else in the world who's suffered a loss, that's your concern. It is my job to brighten up the place. I am God's interior decorator, and he has sent me to paint you two coats of happiness.

GEORGE    Leo, don't do this to me again!

LEO            This is different. This girl requires a serious dis­cussion. I think I found buried treasure, George. Hear me out.

GEORGE    I haven't recovered from last week's buried treasure ... All right, it's my own fault. I shouldhave known in that first phone conversation with her. Three "honeys," two "sugars" and one "babe" was a sure tip-off... _ I'm very busy, Leo. I've written three hundred pages of my new book and I haven't thought of a story yet.

LEO          All right, I apologize. I misunderstood. I just thought you wanted someone to have a good time with.

GEORGE   Look at me, Leo_ I'm a nice, plain, regular person who eats fruit and wears slippers. What makes you think I'm going to like a jazzy blonde who dyes a zigzag streak of dark-blue in her hair? She looked like the cover of a record album.

LEO          But a terrific body. You've got to admit that body was put together by someone who's very close to God.

GEORGE    I booked a table in one of the finest French restaurants in New York. I put on a nice blue suit, rang her doorbell and this creature from Star Wars says hello. You know what kind of a dress she was wearing? Electric! I didn't see where it was plugged in but this was an electric dress! I swear to God, we got in and the cab driver got static on his radio. In the restaurant I prayed for another blackout.

LEO            Did I tell you to take her someplace nice? Putz! You take her to the Rainbow Room, somewhere that only out-of-towners go. But you had a good time, right? Right, George? C'mon, will ya. I went to a lot of trouble. Tell me you had a good time.

GEORGE   What do you mean, I had a good time? A thunderstorm came up, and I'm sitting there with a lightning rod. I did not have a good time. She or­dered a nine-dollar goose-liver pate and made a hero sandwich out of it ... Go home, Leo.

LEO          George, I have set that girl up with some very heavy clients from Hollywood, and they've been very nice to me every Christmas.

GEORGE   Are you telling me she's a hooker? Are you
telling me that outlet from Con Edison is a pro?

LEO          Would I do that to you? My brother? Bambi's a terrific girl. A little flashy on the exterior, yes. A little Art Deco around the wardrobe, yes. But no hooker . Why? Did she charge you any­thing?

GEORGE   For what? I was wet, I was afraid to touch her.

LEO                Bad move on my part, okay? Some like 'em hot, some like 'em milk and cookies. I know better now. But if you're telling me you're ready for a serious woman, George, I met her last night at "2x.”

GEORGE   Close the door on your way out, Leo_

LEO          I have a feeling about this, George. Don't deny me my feelings.

GEORGE    (Starting into the bedroom) Leo, please! I have my work. I have my friends. I have the Knicks, the Giants and the Mets. I have jogging and I have watercolors. My life is full. There are no more Bar-. baras left in the world. If you meet them once in your life, God has been more than good to you ... I will go out. I will meet people. But I have to find them in my own time, in my own way. I love you for what you're doing ... but don't do it any­more.

LEO          At least let me describe her-a nose, a couple of eyes, one or two ears! (Following GEORGE into the bed­room) Let me leave her number. You don't have to call her right away. Whenever you feel like it! (Dimout)

ACT 1 - SCENE 4

Her apartment. A suitcase is on the sofa; JENNIE is pack­ing. The phone rings. She answers it.

JENNIE     Hello? ... Well, what a surprise. How are you, Gus? ... Fine ... And how does it feel to be an ex-husband? ... It's been a long time since I heard your "bachelor" voice. You got your old pizzazz back ... Oh, I found an old pair of your basketball sneakers in the closet, did you want them? ... Thanks, I can wear them to go shopping ... I sound down? ... Oh, I guess a combination of post-divorce blues and the Mexican water ... I'm not sure. I've got three more weeks on the soap. I've got an offer to go to Washington and do a year of rep at the Arena Theatre ... And you? ... Well, hang in, you always come up with something ... It was very sweet of you to call, Gus ... Well, I wish you every happiness, too. This has been the nicest talk we've had in a long time ... I will ... Gus! . I just wanted to say-I'm sorry! (On the verge of tears, she hangs up. The doorbell rings; she answers it. It is FAYE)

FAYE       Do you believe in miracles?

JENNIE     Do you believe in saying hello?

FAYE             Well, two miracles happened last night at "zi.” The producer of As the World Turns saw me at our table, called me today and offered me a part-

JENNIE       Congratulations! Oh, Faye, that's fantastic! Well, what's the part?

FAYE          Her name is Jarlene Indigo.

JENNIE       Jarlene Indigo?

FAYE          She's the new cellist with the Boston Sym­phony.

JENNIE       I love it. Will you have to learn to play? FAYE By Monday.

JENNIE          (Continues ber packing) What's the second mir­acle?

FAYE          Do you remember that fellow Leo Schneider who came over to our table to say hello? Sidney doesn't know, but I used to date Leo when I first got to New York. Anyway, he's got this brother, George_ He's recently widowed, about forty-two, forty-three years old I think ... You're not listening. What are you doing?

JENNIE          I am packing. If you don't know this is pack­ing, how will you learn to play a cello?

FAYE          Where are you going?

JENNIE Home. To Cleveland. I just have an over-
whelming desire to sleep in my old, tiny bed.

 FAYE         How long will you be gone?

JENNIE       A couple of days-maybe a couple of weeks.

FAYE          In Cleveland a couple of days are a couple of weeks. Can't you postpone it? Leo was going to try to get GEORGE SCHNEIDER to call this week.

JENNIE          Faye, how many times must I tell you? I don't feel like dating right now.

FAYE          Well, that's perfect. Neither does George Schneider. At least you have something in common.

JENNIE          I wonder what it is that holds our friendship together.

FAYE          He's a writer. A novelist, I think. I met him once a few years ago. Not gorgeous, but sweet-look­ing. With a very intelligent face.

JENNIE       Faye, please stop. I appreciate what you're doing. You and Sidney have been wonderful. I loved the dinner at "21," and the date you fixed me up with was unusual but charming.

FAYE          It's all right. I know you didn't like him.

JENNIE       It's not that I didn't like him. I couldn't see him. The man was six feet eight inches tall. All I could think of at dinner was what if we got married and I had a baby? I'd be giving birth for days.

FAYE             If you're going to look for things, you can find fault with everyone.

JENNIE       I don't think being uncomfortable with a man who was taller than the waiter sitting down is look­ing to find fault.

FAYE       I'm talking about everyone you go out with. You sit there and scrutinize them.

JENNIE     I scrutinize?

FAYE          Your eyes burn little holes in them. That poor fellow last night kept checking to see if his fly was open.

JENNIE       All right. I won't scrutinize if you'll stop ar­ranging my social life for me. I told you it's not important to me-why do you do it?

FAYE          I don't do it for you. I do it for me. JENNIE What?

FAYE          I have visions of arranging the perfect romance for you. Someone with a dark tragic background-Jay Gatsby ... Irving Thalberg ... Leon Trotsky ...

JENNIE       Jesus, do I have to live out my life with your fantasy?

FAYE          What the hell, I'm arranging it, I might as well pick who I like ... I don't understand, Jennie. Are you telling me you're never dating again?

JENNIE       (Putting on ber coat) Yes. YES! I have dated and I have gone to parties and I have had it. If one more man greets me at the door with his silk shirt unbuttoned to his tanned navel, his chest hair neatly combed, and wearing more jewelry around his neck than me, I am turning celibate... I am going to spend the rest of my life doing good work in the theatre. I am going to read all the classics starting with Agamemnon ... I'll work out my sex life the best I can. And don't think I'm not worried. Some­times I lie in bed thinking, Is it physically possible if you don't have sex for a long, long time, you can go back to being a virgin? Well, I'll find out. But first I'll find out in Cleveland. (She grabs her suitcase and starts out. The phone rings)

FAYE          Oh, my God, maybe that's George Schneider.

JENNIE     It's your fantasy, you answer it. (She goes. FAYE runs after her)

FAYE          (Yells) I'll give you two hundred dollars if you an­swer that phone!(But JENNIE is gone. FAYE closes the door and goes)

JENNIE Hello?

ACT 1 - SCENE 5

His apartment. It is two weeks later, about 9 P. M. GEORGE walks into tbe living room, carrying a reference book. He looks for something at the desk and around the sofa, then goes to the phone and dials, still looking about him.

GEORGE       (Into the phone) Marilyn? ... George ... Is Leo there? ... No, you can just yell into the bathroom . Ask him if he remembers where he left the phone number for a Mrs. Jenkins, or Jergins, or something like that. He wrote it down and left it for me somewhere in here last week ... Jenkins, Jergins ... (Looking through some papers) She's the old woman he told me about who used to work for the Harvard University Library about forty years ago ... No. It's research for the book ... Would you? (Spots a paper under tbe kitchen phone) Wait a minute, Marilyn, I'm gonna put you on hold. Just a second. (Pushes the "hold" button, gets the paper from under the kitchen phone and picks up that receiver) Marilyn, I found it. It was right under the other phone ... Yeah ... Give Tina a kiss for me. Goodbye. (He hangs up both phones and looks at the paper. He dials again ... And the phone rings in her empty apartment. Just then we hear the key in the door and JENNIE enters. She turns on the lights. The phone rings again. She puts down her suitcase and picks up the receiver)

GEORGE    Hello? Is this, uh ... I'm sorry. I'm not sure I have your name right ... This is GEORGE SCHNEIDER -Leo Schneider's brother? I believe he told you I would be calling you.

JENNIE       George Schneider? GEORGE The writer.

JENNIE       Oh ... God! Yes, George Schneider. It seemed so long ago ... I'm sorry, you caught me at a bad time. I just got off a plane and walked in the door.

GEORGE    Oh; I didn't know. I'm sorry. Can I call you back?

JENNIE       Well ... Yes, I suppose so but, er _ I'll be very honest with you, Mr. Schneider. I'm going through sort of a transition period right now, and I'm not planning to date for a while.

GEORGE    Date? Did Leo say I was going to call you for a date?

JENNIE       Well, he said you were going to call, so I assumed-

GEORGE    No, no. This wasn't a date call. I'm very surprised at Leo, Miss, er . Is it Jenkins or Jergins?

JENNIE     Is what?

GEORGE    Your name.

JENNIE       It's Malone. Jennifer Malone.

GEORGE    (Confused, looks at the paper) Jennifer Malone? ... No, that's wrong.

JENNIE       I could show you my driver's license.

GEORGE    That's not the name he gave me ... (He looks on the back of the paper) Oh, geez, it's on the other side. I couldn't read his writing. Serene Jurgens was the one I wanted. She's an elderly woman, about eighty-five years old.

JENNIE       Well, you know what you want better than I do.

GEORGE    Look, I am so embarrassed. I really was going to call you socially. At another time. I mean, I really was.

JENNIE       Well, let's see how it goes with Serene first. Okay? Goodbye. (She hangs up)

GEORGE    (Looks at the scrap of paper) God damn you, Leo, get your women straight, will ya? (JENNIE takes her suitcase to the bedroom. GEORGE thinks a moment about what to do, then looks at the paper and dials again. The phone rings in her bed­room)

JENNIE       (Answering it) Hello? GEORGE It's me. I'm back.

JENNIE       You and the old lady didn't hit it off?

GEORGE    Now I know who you are. The girl Leo met at "21.” Jennie Malone.

JENNIE       That sounds right to me.

GEORGE    Anyway, I'm calling back because I wanted you to know that I got the phone numbers mixed up, and I didn't want you to think I wasn't calling you. I was. I mean, I wasn't then. I am now.

JENNIE       For a date?

GEORGE    No. Not yet. I thought I'd wait and explain the last call before I went ahead with the next call.

JENNIE          a little slow. Which call are we on now?

GEORGE    This is the call back to explain the dumb call. The charming call comes after we hang up from this one.

JENNIE          so glad I'm home. If I got this message on my answering service, I'd need a private detective.

GEORGE    I'll tell you the absolute truth. I haven't made a call to a nice single girl in fourteen years. I wasn't even good at it then. If I seem inept, please bear with me.

JENNIE       You seem ept enough. The point is, Mister… err…

GEORGE    George Schneider. I got it here on the paper.

JENNIE       The point is, Mr. Schneider, as I told Faye to tell Leo to tell you, I really have to get my head together right now, and that's what I was going to do for the next few weeks.

GEORGE    Oh, I understand that. As a matter of fact, I was doing the same thing. I just didn't want to leave you with the image of some retarded romantic walk­ing around town with your number and a handful of dimes.

JENNIE       Knowing that, I will sleep better ... It was very nice talking to you, George. Goodbye. (She hangs up. He bangs up. She turns and goes into the kitchen. He thinks a moment, then looks at the paper and dials again. The phone rings in her apart­ment. She comes out of the kitchen, a little annoyed, and answers it) Hello?

GEORGE    This is the charming call.

JENNIE       I think I have a problem on my hands.

GEORGE    You don't. I promise. This is definitely our last conversation.

JENNIE       Then why did you call back?

GEORGE    I couldn't resist saying, "This is the charm­ing call" ... Seriously, I'm sorry if I intruded on your privacy. I know very much how you feel. And I liked the sound of your voice, and I also wanted to say, "I hope you get your head together in good health.” This is now the end of the charming call. Goodbye. (He hangs up. Caught off-guard, she looks at the phone, then bangs up. His call stops her halfway to her kitchen)

JENNIE       (Returns to the phone) Hello? (A laugh bubbles out of her)

GEORGE    I was just trying to place your voice. Califor­nia girl, right? U. C. L. A.?

JENNIE       Born in Cleveland and I went to Bennington in Vermont.

GEORGE    How about that? I was so close.

JENNIE       That's where I've just come from.

GEORGE    Bennington?

JENNIE       Cleveland. I was visiting family.

GEORGE   Aha.

JENNIE       Aha what?

GEORGE    Just aha. Acknowledgment. Comprehension. I understand.

JENNIE       Oh. Well, aha to you, too.

GEORGE    Leo told me what you did but I didn't pay any attention.

JENNIE       Why not?

GEORGE    His previous social arrangements for me all ended like the Andrea Doria.

JENNIE       And yet here you are calling me.

GEORGE    Only by mistake.

JENNIE       No, no. The first call was a mistake, and the second one was a call back explaining the mistake. The charming call was yours.

GEORGE    That's true. You have a very good mind, Jen­nie Malone. Now you see why you got the charming call.

JENNIE You're a writer, that's for sure. I took English
Lit. This is what they call "repartee," isn't it?

GEORGE    No. This is what they call "amusing tele­phone conversation under duress" ... So what is it you do?

JENNIE          I'm an actress. (He doesn't respond) No "aha"? GEORGE Leo didn't tell me you were an actress. JENNIE I'm sorry. Wrong career?

GEORGE    No. No. Actresses can be, uh, very nice.

JENNIE       Well, that's an overstatement but I appreciate your open-mindedness.

GEORGE   Wait a minute, I'm now extricating my mouth from my foot . _ There, that's better. So you're an actress and I'm a writer. I'm also a wid­ower.

JENNIE       Yes. Faye told me. GEORGE Faye?

JENNIE       Faye Medwick. She's the one pushing from my side.

GEORGE    Leo is getting up a brochure on me. We'll send you one when they come in ... I understand you're recently divorced?

JENNIE       Yes ... How deeply do you intend going into this?

GEORGE    Sorry. Occupational hazard. I pry inces­santly.

JENNIE       That's okay. I scrutinize.

GEORGE    Well, prying is second cousin to scrutiny.

JENNIE       Wouldn't you know it? It turns out we're related.

GEORGE    I don't know if you've noticed but we also talk in the same rhythm.

JENNIE       Hmmm.

GEORGE    Hmmm? What is "hmmm"?

JENNIE       It's second cousin to aha! ... You're a very interesting telephone person, Mr. Schneider_ How­ever, I have literally just walked in the door, and I haven't eaten since breakfast. It was really nice talk­ing to you. Goodbye. (She hangs up, waits right there expectantly) He hurriedly dials. Her phone rings; she picks it up) As you were saying?

GEORGE    Listen, uh, can I be practical for a second?

JENNIE     For a second? Yes.

GEORGE    They're not going to let up, you know.

JENNIE       Who?

GEORGE    The Pushers. Leo and Faye. They will per­sist and push and prod and leave telephone numbers under books until eventually we have that inevita­ble date.

JENNIE       Nothing is inevitable. Dates are man-made.

GEORGE    Whatever ... The point is, I assume you have an active career. I'm a very busy man who needs quiet and few distractions. So let me propose, in the interest of moving on with our lives, that we get this meeting over with just as soon as possible.

JENNIE     Surely you jest.

GEORGE    I'm not asking for a date. Blind dates are the nation's third leading cause of skin rash. ;

JENNIE     Then what are you suggesting?

GEORGE    Just hear me out. What if we were to meet for just five minutes? We could say hello,ilook each other over, part company and tell Leo and:Faye that they have fulfilled their noble mission in life.

JENNIE       That's very funny.

GEORGE   And yet I hear no laughter.

JENNIE     Because it's not funny funny. It's stupid funny.

GEORGE    You think it's smart to suffer an entire eve­ning rather than a quick five-minute "hello and goodbye"?

JENNIE       Because it's demeaning. It's like shopping. And I don't like being shopped.

GEORGE    Do you prefer window-shopping? I could stand across the street, look up and wave.

JENNIE       Am I talking to a serious person?

GEORGE    My friends tell me I have a certain charm. It's like gold, though. You have to pan for it.

JENNIE       And what if during these five minutes we took a liking to each other?

GEORGE    Then we take a shot at six minutes.

JENNIE       But if you take a fancy to me and I don't to you-or, God forbid, vice versa-what then?

GEORGE    It's a new system. We don't have all the bugs out yet.

JENNIE       I can't believe this conversation.

GEORGE    Look, if five minutes is too exhausting, we could have two-and-a-half-minute halves with an in­termission.

JENNIE Why am I intrigued by this? ... When would
you like this momentous occasion to take place?

GEORGE   How about right now?

JENNIE       Right now? That's crazy.

GEORGE   You mean, not possible? JENNIE Oh, it's possible. It's just crazy.

GEORGE   Why not? I'm having trouble working any­way. And next week could be too late. Mrs. Jurgens and I could be a hot item.

JENNIE     But I just got off a plane. I look terrible_

GEORGE   So do I, and 1 got off one two months ago. And besides, fixing yourself up is illegal_ That's a date. This is just a quick look for Leo and Faye.

JENNIE       For Leo and Faye, huh? ... Oh, what the hell, let's give it a shot.

GEORGE    Hey, terrific! Where would you like to meet? JENNIE How does Paris strike you?

GEORGE   Outside is no good. Then it gets down to who says goodbye and who leaves first. Very messy ... How about your place?

JENNIE     That's out of the question. GEORGE Why?

JENNIE       I don't know why ... 386 East Eighty-fourth Street, apartment 12F.

GEORGE   GOt it.

JENNIE     Write it down. You have a bad history with numbers.

GEORGE   I'll be there in eight minutes.  

JENNIE     And you don't think this is a bizarre thing to do?

GEORGE   It is the weirdest thing I've ever come up with. But we may be blazing the trail for millions of others.

JENNIE     And neither of us will be disappointed if we're disappointed, right?

GEORGE   Please_ Let's not build down our hopes too much. See you. Goodbye.

JENNIE     Goodbye.  (He hangs up. She bangs up)

GEORGE    Smart! Smart move, George!

JENNIE     Dumb! You're a dumb lady, Jennie Malone! (They head in opposite directions)

ACT 1 -SCENE 6

Her apartment Twenty minutes later. The phone rings. JENNIE comes out of the bedroom. She has taken off her blouse and is buttoning a new one. She goes to the phone quickly.

JENNIE       (Into the phone) Hello? ... Faye, I can't talk to you now ... He's on his way over ... GEORGE SCHNEIDER ... Yes, your GEORGE SCHNEIDER ... It's not a date. It's a look! He looks at me and I look at him and then you don't bother us anymore ... Faye, I can't talk to you now. I'll call you back when he leaves in five minutes ... Because that's all it takes. (The doorbell rings) Dammit, he's here ... I hate you. Goodbye. (She hangs up, tucks her blouse into her skirt, looks in the mirror, does a last-minute brush job, then goes to the door. She takes in a deep breath, and then opens it. GEORGE stands there, arm extended, leaning against the doorframe. They look at each other … Finally he smiles and nods his head)

GEORGE    Yeah! Okayyyyyy!

JENNIE     Is that a review?

GEORGE    No. Just a response ... Hello.

JENNIE       (Smiles) Hello (They are both suddenly very embarrassed and don't quite know what to say or how to handle this situa­tion)

GEORGE    (Good-naturedly) This was a dumb idea, wasn't it?

JENNIE       Extremely.

GEORGE    (Nods in agreement) I think I've put undue pressure on these next five minutes.

JENNIE       You could cut it with a knife.

GEORGE    I think if I came in, it would lessen the ten­sion.

JENNIE       Oh, I'm sorry. Please, yes. (He steps in. She closes the door behind her)

GEORGE    (Looks around the room and nods) Aha!

JENNIE       Does that mean you comprehend my apart­ment?

GEORGE    No. It means I like it.”Aha" can be used in many situations, this being one of them.

JENNIE       Can I get you anything to drink? GEORGE No, thanks. I don't drink.

JENNIE     Oh, neither do I. (There is an awkward pause)

GEORGE    Although I'd love a glass of white wine.

JENNIE          So would I. (She goes to the kitchen) Please, sit down.   

GEORGE       Thank you. (But he doesn't. He wanders around the room looking at things. She brings in an opened bottle of white wine in an ice bucket set on a tray with two glasses. He spots a framed photograph of a football player in action) Is it all right if I pry?

JENNIE       Sure.

GEORGE       You can scrutinize later. (He examines the pic­ture) Oh, are you a football fan?

JENNIE       That's my ex-husband. He was a wide re­ceiver for the New York Giants.

GEORGE    No kidding! What's his name? JENNIE Gus Hendricks.

GEORGE    (Looks at picture again) Gus Hendricks? … Funny, I can't remember him. How wide a receiver was he?

JENNIE       He was cut the beginning of his second year. Bad hands, I think they call it. Couldn't hold on to the football.

GEORGE    Well, some coaches are very demanding. What does he do now?

JENNIE       Well, he was in mutual funds, he was in the saloon business, he was in broadcasting, he was in sports promotion-

GEORGE    Very ambitious.

JENNIE       He did all those in three months. He has some problems to work out. (She pours the two glasses of wine)

GEORGE    Who doesn't?

JENNIE       True enough. (She bands bim a glass)

GEORGE    Thank you.

JENNIE       Here's to working out problems. (They both drink. He looks at her)

GEORGE    Leo was right. You're very attractive. JENNIE Thank you.

GEORGE    I'm curious. You don't have to answer this ... How was I described?

JENNIE       "Not gorgeous, but an intelligent face.”

GEORGE    (Smiles) That's true. I have. You can ask my face anything. ( JENNIE sits. GEORGE is still standing) No matter how old or experienced you are, the pro­cess never seems to get any easier, does it?

JENNIE       What process?

GEORGE    Mating.

JENNIE       Mating? My God, is that what we're doing?

GEORGE    (Sits next to her on the sofa) Haven't you no­ticed? First thing I did as I passed you, I inhaled. Got a little whiff of your fragrance. In our particu­lar species, the sense of smell is a determining factor in sexual attraction.

JENNIE          This is just a guess. Do you write for Field and Stream?

GEORGE    (Laughs) Please, give me a break, will you? I haven't done this in fourteen years. If you're pa­tient, I get interesting with a little kindness.

JENNIE       You're not uninteresting now.

GEORGE    I'll tell you the truth. You're not the first girl Leo's introduced me to. There were three others ... All ranked with such disasters as the Hindenburg and Pearl Harbor:

JENNIE       Now I see. That's when the Five-Minute Plan was born.

GEORGE    Necessity is the Mother of Calamity.

JENNIE     Tell me about them.

GEORGE    Oh, they defy description.

JENNIE       Please. Defy it.

GEORGE    All right. Let's see. First there was Bambi. Her name tells you everything.

JENNIE     I got the picture.

GEORGE    Then there was Vilma. A dynamite girl.

JENNIE       Really?

GEORGE    Spent three years in a Turkish prison for carrying dynamite ... Need I go on?

JENNIE       No, I think I've had enough.

 GEORGE   Since then I've decided to take everything Leo says with a grain of panic ... And now I feel rather foolish because I was very flippant with you on the phone, and now I find myself with an attrac­tive, intelligent and what appears to be a very nice girl.

JENNIE       You won't get a fight from me on that. GEORGE With an appealing sense of adventure. JENNIE You think so?

GEORGE    It's your five minutes, too.

JENNIE       I was wondering why I said yes. I think it's because I really enjoyed talking to you on the phone. You're very bright, and I found I had to keep on my toes to keep up with you.

GEORGE    Oh. And is that unusual?

JENNIE       I haven't been off my heels in years ... What kind of books do you write?

GEORGE       Ah, we're moving into heavy territory. What kind of books do I write? For a living, I write spy novels. For posterity, I write good novels. I make a good living, but my posterity had a bad year.

JENNIE       Name some books.

GEORGE    From column A or column B?

JENNIE       Both.

GEORGE    Well, the spy novels I write under the name of Kenneth Blakely Hyphen Hill.

JENNIE       Hyphen Hill?

GEORGE       You don't say the hyphen. You just put it in.

JENNIE       Oh, God, yes. Of course. I've seen it. Drug­stores, airports ...

GEORGE    Unfortunately, not libraries. JENNIE Who picked the name?

GEORGE    My wife. You see, my publisher said spy nov­els sell better when they sound like they were writ­ten in England. We spent our honeymoon in Lon­don, and we stayed at the Blakely Hotel, and it was on a hill and the hall porter's name was Kenneth. If we had money in those days, my name might have been Kenneth Savoy Grill.

JENNIE     And from column B?

GEORGE    I only had two published. They were a mod­est failure. That means "Bring us more but not too soon.”

JENNIE       I'd like to read them someday.

GEORGE    I'll send you a couple of cartons of them. (They both sip their wine. He looks around, then back at her) I'm forty-two years old.

JENNIE       Today?

GEORGE    No. In general.

JENNIE       Oh. Is that statement of some historic impor­tance?

GEORGE    No. I just wanted you to know, because you look to be about twenty-four and right now I feel like a rather inept seventeen, and I didn't want you to think I was too young for you.

JENNIE     I'm thirty-two. (They look at each other. It's the first time their gaze really holds)

GEORGE    Well. That was very nice wasn't it? I mean, looking at each other like that.

JENNIE       I wasn't scrutinizing.

GEORGE    That's okay, I wasn't prying.

JENNIE       My hunch is that you're a very interesting man, George.

GEORGE    Well, my advice is-play your hunches. JENNIE Can I get you some more wine?

GEORGE    No thanks. I think I'd better be going.

JENNIE       Oh?... Okay. (They rise)

GEORGE    Not that I wouldn't like to stay.

JENNIE       Not that you're not welcome, but I under­stand.

GEORGE    I think we've hit it off very well, if you've noticed.

JENNIE       I've noticed.

GEORGE    Therefore, I would like to make a regula­tion date. Seven to twelve, your basic normal hours.

JENNIE       Aha! With grown-up clothes and make-up? GEORGE Bath, shower-everything.

JENNIE       Sounds good. Let's make it. GEORGE You mean now?

JENNIE       Would you rather go home and do it on the phone?

GEORGE    No, no. Dangerous. I could get the wrong number and wind up with Mrs_ Jurgens ... Let's see, what is this?

JENNIE       Tuesday.

GEORGE    How about Wednesday?

JENNIE       Wednesday works out well.

GEORGE   You could play hard to get and make it Thursday.

JENNIE       No. Let's stick with Wednesday and I'll keep you waiting half an hour.

GEORGE    (At the door) Fair enough. This was nice. I'm very glad we met, Jennie.  

JENNIE       So am I, George.

GEORGE    I can't believe you're from the same man who gave us Bambi and Vilma. (He goes. She closes the door, smiles 'and beads for her bed

 

ACT 1 - SCENE 7

Her apartment. It is a week later, about 6:30 P. M. FAYE is staring out the window through binoculars, a cigarette in her hand. She is looking a little glum.

FAYE          She's putting on weight.

JENNIE       (Offstage) Who?

FAYE          Lupe, across the street. Sagging a little, too. Another six pounds, she'll start pulling down her shades_

JENNIE       (Offstage) You sound terrible. Is anything wrong?

FAYE          We're not going away for Easter. Sidney's ear infection still hasn't cleared up. He's lost his sense of balance. He keeps rolling away from me in bed. It's a very sad state of affairs when things are worse at home than they are on the soap ... They tell me you're coming back to work on Monday.

JENNIE       (Offstage) Maybe. We'll see.

FAYE          You haven't given me a straight answer in a week. What's all the mystery about? ... Can I come in now? Jennie? I'm alone enough at nights.

JENNIE       (Offstage) Give me ten more seconds.

FAYE          Four nights in one week, he's got to be someone special. Who is he, Jennie? Have I met him? Oh, God, I hate it when I'm left out of things! (JENNIE comes out, shows off her new backless dress) It's gorgeous. I love everything but the price tag. (They remove it)

JENNIE       Oh, damn, I'm a basket case. I haven't wor­ried about looking good for someone in such a long time.

FAYE          What is going on, my angel?

JENNIE       I don't know. I've been on a six-day high and I've had nothing stronger than a Diet Pepsi.

FAYE             My God, it's George Schneider, isn't it? (JENNIE nods) Why didn't you tell me?

JENNIE       I was afraid to. FAYE Why?

JENNIE       Because after six days I think I'm nuts about him, and I was afraid if I told anyone they'd have me put in the Home for the Over-Emotional. Come on, I'm going to be late.

FAYE             (Going into the corridor) Well, tell me about him. What's he like?

JENNIE       Well, he's everything you've always wanted... (She closes the door, and they are gone)

ACT 1 - SCENE 8

His apartment, later that night.

JENNIE       (Outside his door) Don't worry, I paid for the cab. (She opens the door) Where are the lights, George?

GEORGE    (In the corridor) I don't want you to look at me.

JENNIE       George, where are the lights? (She finds them, turns them on)

GEORGE    (Entering, puts his hand to his eyes) Oh, God, that hurts.

JENNIE       Do you want to lie down, George?

GEORGE    I'm so embarrassed. Just let me sit a few min­utes. I'll be all right.

JENNIE       Just keep taking deep breaths.

GEORGE    (Dizzy, sitting on the sofa) That's the closest I've ever come to passing out.

JENNIE       Loosen your collar. I'll take your shoes off. (She kneels, starts to untie his laces as he loosens his tie and wipes his brow)

GEORGE   First I thought it was the wine. Then t thought it was the fish. Then I figured it was the bill.

JENNIE       You don't know where they get the fish from anymore. (She has his shoes offi massages his feet) You read about tankers breaking up every day, oil spill­ing all over. For all we know, we just ate a gallon of Texaco.

GEORGE    Ohh. Ohh. Careful.

JENNIE       What?

GEORGE    I have very sensitive feet. JENNIE I'm sorry.

GEORGE    That's the weakest part of my system. Even baby powder hurts.

JENNIE       You're perspiring all over. Let me get you a cold towel. (She gets up, looks around, goes to the kitchen)

GEORGE    You mean my feet were sweaty? Oh, God! Is it over between us, Jennie?

JENNIE       (Coming back in with a wet cloth) Oh, shut up. I've rubbed sweaty feet before.

GEORGE   You have? You've really been around, haven't you? ... I don't want you to think this is a regular thing, passing out on dates. I mean, I played varsity football at Hofstra.

JENNIE       I faint all the time. It's the only thing that relaxes me. (She puts the cloth on his forehead)

 GEORGE   Jesus! You paid for the taxi. How humiliat­ing! I don't want to live anymore.

JENNIE       You're not taking in enough air. (She starts to unbuckle his belt and the top button of his pants)

GEORGE    Hey! What are you doing?

JENNIE       Oh, stop. I'm just unbuttoning your pants.

GEORGE    Please! No premarital unbuckling! I'm all right, Jennie, really.

JENNIE       (She kneels down beside him) You look about twelve years old right now.

GEORGE    Seventeen last week, twelve this week-I'll be back in the womb by the end of the month. (She kisses the back of his hand, then caresses it with her cheek. He touches her hair with his other hand) You are the sweetest girl.

JENNIE       (Looks up at his face, smiles) Thank you. (He leans over and kisses her gently on the mouth)

GEORGE    I can't believe it's just a week. I feel like we're into our fourth year or something.

JENNIE       Have you felt that, too? As though it's not a new relationship at all. I feel like we're picking up in the middle somewhere ... of something that started a long, long time ago.

GEORGE    That's exactly how it was when I walked in your door that night last week. I didn't say to my-self, "Oh, how pretty. How interesting. I wonder what she's like.” I said, "Of course. It's Jennie. I know her. I never met her but I know her. How terrific to find her again.”

JENNIE       It's nice bumping into you again for the first time, George. (They smile and kiss again. Sbe looks up at him. He seems to have a pained expression on his face) What is it? ... Is it the painagain? (He shakes his bead "no," then turns away to hide the tears. He takes out a handkerchief to wipe his eyes) George! Oh, George, sweetheart, what? Tell me. (She cradles his head in her arms as be tries to fight back his emotions)

GEORGE    I don't know, Jennie.

JENNIE       It's all right ... Whatever you're feeling, it's all right.

GEORGE    I keep trying to push Barbara out of my mind ... I can't do it. I've tried, Jennie.

JENNIE       I know.

GEORGE    I don't really want to. I'm so afraid of losing her forever.

JENNIE       I understand and it's all right.

GEORGE    I know I'll never stop loving Barbara, but I feel so good about you ... and I can't get the two things together in my mind.

JENNIE       It all happened so fast, George. You expect so much of yourself so soon.  

GEORGE    On the way over in the cab tonight, I'm yell­ing at the cab driver, "Can't you get there faster?" ... And then some nights I wake up saying, "I'm never going to see Barbara again and I hope to God it's just a dream.”

JENNIE     I love you, George ... I want you to know that.

GEORGE    Give me a little time, Jennie. Stay next to me. Be with me. Just give me the time to tell you how happy you make me feel.

JENNIE     I'm not going anywhere, George. You can't lose me. I know a good thing when I see it.

GEORGE    (Managing a smile) Jeez! I thought I had food poisoning and it's just a mild case of ecstasy.

JENNIE       (Embraces him) I just want you to be happy. I want you to have room for all your feelings. I'll share whatever you want to share with me. I'm very strong, George. I can work a sixteen-hour day on a baloney sandwich and a milk shake. I have enough for both of us. Use it, George. Please. Use me ...

GEORGE    (Wipes his eyes, puts the hanky down) Really? Would you knit me a camel's-hair overcoat?

JENNIE     With or without humps? (Touches his hand) Why did it scare you so, George? We were sitting there touching hands, and you suddenly broke into a cold sweat.  

GEORGE    Because it's not supposed to happen twice in your life.

JENNIE     Who said so?

GEORGE    Don't ask intelligent questions. You're talk­ing to a man who just swooned into his butter plate_ (He rises) Come on. show you the house that Kenneth Blakely-Hill built.

JENNIE     And don't forget to give me those books to­night. GEORGE They're four ninety-five each, but we can talk business later. (Puts his arm around her waist) Now, then ... This is the living room. That's the hallway that leads to the bedroom. And this is the rug that lies on the floor that covers the wood of the house that Kenneth Hyphen built_

JENNIE     I want to see everything.

GEORGE   Shall we start with the bedroom? JENNIE Okay.

GEORGE   If we start with the bedroom, we may end with the bedroom.

JENNIE     Endings are just beginnings backwards.

GEORGE    It's going to be one of those fortune cookie romances, huh? Okay, my dear ... (They head toward the bedroom) Trust me.

JENNIE       I do.

GEORGE    Sure. I pass out at fish. What have you got to be afraid of? (They enter the bedroom as the lights fade)

ACT 1 - SCENE 9

His apartment. It is three days later, mid-afternoon. LEO paces in GEORGE'S living room, takes some Valium from his attaché case and swallows one with club soda.

LEO                George, will you let somebody else in New York use the phone?

GEORGE       (Enters from the bedroom, wearing a sweater over an open-necked shirt) I'm sorry, Leo. It was an im­portant call. I had to take it.

LEO            Are you all right?

GEORGE    I'm wonderful! I'm terrific! I haven't felt this good in such a long time ... Listen, Leo, I'm glad you dropped by.

LEO            You look tired. You don't have good color in your face.

GEORGE       have a painter come in Tuesday, he'll show me some swatches. Leo, will you stop worry­ing about me? I want to talk to you.

LEO            I called you one o'clock in the morning last night, you weren't in.

GEORGE    I'm glad I wasn't. Why did you call me at one . o'clock in the morning?

LEO            I couldn't sleep. I wanted to talk to you.

GEORGE    (Impatient) Leo! I am fine! Everything is won­derful!

LEO          I wanted to talk about me… I'm in trouble, George.

GEORGE   What?

LEO          (Nods) Marilyn wants to leave me.

GEORGE    (Looks at him) Oh, come on.

LEO            What is that, a joke? My wife wants to leave me.

GEORGE   Why?

LEO          She's got a list. Ask her, she'll show it to you ... She doesn't like my lifestyle, she doesn't like the hours I keep, my business, my friends, my indiffer­ence, my attitude, my coldness-and our marriage. Otherwise we're in good shape. Christ! I said to her, "Marilyn, show me a press agent who comes home at six o'clock and I'll show you a man who can't get Jimmy Carter's name in the newspapers.” I'm in the theater. Life begins at eight o'clock_ The world isn't just matinees.

GEORGE   She's not going to leave you, Leo. This has been going on for years.

LEO          I took on two extra shows this season. The money was good, we needed it. I can't tell what the future is. I've got to make it now! I've got two kids. I could be dead tomorrow.

GEORGE    (Nods) That's possible. I guess she just wants to enjoy you while you're still alive.

LEO            (Referring to GEORGE'S Wife) I'm sorry, George_

GEORGE   Oh, come on, Leo. I know how you feel. You'll work it out. You always have.

LEO            Not this time ... She's leaving me the morning after Pinocchio.

GEORGE    Pinocchio? What's that?

LEO          Tina is doing Pinocchio at school. Marilyn doesn't want to upset her until it's over. The kid isn't even playing the lead. She's a herring that gets swallowed by the whale.

GEORGE   When is the show?

LEO          The show is Thursday night. The only chance I have to keep her is if the play runs four years! I don't know what the hell I'm holding on to, anyway. I swear to God, I'll never get married again. You spend half your married life fighting to get back the feeling you had just before you got married.

GEORGE    Come on, Leo. You've got a good marriage-I know.

LEO          Really? I'll invite you to sleep in our bedroom one night, you can listen. I'll tell you, George. The trouble with marriage is that it's relentless. Every morning when you wake up, it's still there. If I could just get a leave of absence every once in a while. A two-week leave of absence. I used to get them all the time in the Army, and I always came back ... I don't know. I think it was different for you and Barbara. I'll tell you the truth, I always thought the two of you were a little crazy. But that's what made it work for you. You had a real bond of lunacy between you ... Marilyn has no craziness. No fantasies. No uncharted territories to explore. I'm sitting there with maps for places in my mind I've never been, and she won't even pack an over­night bag. In eleven years she never once let me make love to her with the lights on. I said to her, "Marilyn, come on, trust me, I won't tell anybody.” So we stop growing, stop changing. And we stag­nate ... in our comfortable little house in the coun­try ... Oh, well, another thirty, thirty-five years and it'll be over, right? (He sits back) All right, I've told someone. I feel better ... Now, what the hell is it you feel so wonderful about?

GEORGE   (Smiles) You're an interesting man, Leo. Someday I'll have to get to know you ... In the meantime there's this girl I've met-

LEO          You've gone out with her? You like her? GEORGE I like her, Leo. She's extraordinary.

LEO            (Pleased) Isn't that wonderful! You see, I knew you'd like her. I only spoke to her for ten minutes, but I saw she had a vitality, a sparkle about her-I knew she would interest you.

 

GEORGE    She more than interests me, Leo. I'm crazy about her.

LEO          Listen, I don't blame you. If I wasn't married, I'd have beaten you to the punch. Isn't that terrific! Terrific! Well, I knew once you left yourself open, you'd start to meet some women you can relate to-

GEORGE    I'm in love with her, Leo-I mean, crazy in love with her.

LEO          Well, we'll see. The point is, you enjoy being with her and that's very important for you at this time.

GEORGE    Leo, you don't hear what I'm saying ... I'm going to marry her.

LEO          Look, it's possible. I hope so. She seems very sweet. Very bright. Faye tells me there isn't a per­son who ever met her who doesn't like her. She could be wonderful for you. When things calm down, when you get to be your old self again, I would love to see it happen.

GEORGE   We're getting married on Monday. (LEO looks at him)

LEO            Monday's a terrific day to get married. You miss the weekend traffic. Seriously, George, I'm glad you like the girl.

GEORGE    We took the blood test. I got the license. It's Monday morning, ten o'clock, Judge Ira Marko-witz's chambers. I'd like you and Marilyn to be there.

LEO            To be where?

GEORGE    (Annoyed) Come on, Leo, you heard me. Jen­nie and I are getting married on Monday morning.

LEO            Wait a minute, wait a minute, back up! Play that again. What are you telling me? You mean on Mon­day morning you're marrying a girl I met for twelve seconds in a restaurant?

GEORGE    I'm marrying Jennie! Jennie Malone!

LEO            Oh, good. You know both names. So you must have had a chance to talk to her.

GEORGE I've lived with her twenty hours a day for the last two weeks, and I know everything I want to know about her.

LEO            Two weeks? You've known her two weeks? I eat eggs that are boiled for two weeks-what the hell is two weeks?

GEORGE    Wait a minute. What happened to "how in­teresting she is"? What happened to her vitality, her sparkle?

LEO            Can't you wait to see if she's still sparkling in six months?

GEORGE    Six days, six months-what the hell differ­ence does it make? I only knew Barbara eight weeks, and the marriage lasted twelve years.

LEO            George, you're vulnerable now. You're in no shape to make a decision like this.

GEORGE    Wait a minute. You know me, Leo. I'm not self-destructive. I wouldn't do something to hurt me and Jennie just to satisfy a whim. I love her. I want to be with her. I want to make this commitment.

LEO            It's my fault, George. I never should have intro­duced you to Bambi. After Bambi you were ready for anything.

GEORGE    Leo, it was the same thing when I met Bar­bara. I could have married her after the third date. I knew then she was the most special girl in the world. Well, it's twelve years later and Barbara is gone. And suddenly, miraculously, this incredible person comes into my life-a sensitive, intelligent, warm, absolutely terrific human being. I don't know. Maybe it is crazy. You always said I was. But I'm miserable every minute I'm away from her, and she feels the same way. I think marrying her is a Class-A idea, Leo.

LEO            Okay, okay. But what is she-Cinderella? She's leaving at twelve o'clock? Wait! You'd wait six weeks for a dentist appointment, and that's with pain in your mouth.

GEORGE    Have dinner with us tonight. You and Mari­lyn.

LEO            I really don't think a couple breaking up is the best company for a couple starting out.

GEORGE    Call Marilyn. Tell her. Maybe being around us will give you both a chance to work things out.

LEO            (Annoyed) Why can't you accept the fact that Marilyn and I are separating?

GEORGE    Why can't you accept the fact that Jennie and I are getting married?

LEO            Because my separation makes sense. Your get­ting married is crazy!

GEORGE    Have it your own way. But I would still like you both to be there on Monday.

LEO            George, you've always been a lot smarter than me in a lot of ways. You have the talent and the discipline I've always admired. I'm very proud of you. But once in a while I've steered you straight, and I don't think you've ever regretted it ... Wait a couple of months. Let her move in here with you. Is she against that? She's not a Mormon or anything, is she?

GEORGE    What's the point of delaying what's inevita­ble? She'll wait if I ask her.

LEO            Ask her.

GEORGE    She'll move in if I ask her. LEO Ask her. Please, George, ask her.

GEORGE    Monday morning, Criminal Courts build­ing. I'm wearing a blue suit.

LEO            Wait a month. Wait a month for me.

GEORGE    I'm not marrying you!

LEO            Wait a month for me, and I'll wait a month for you_ I'll try to work things out with Marilyn. I'll keep us together somehow, for a month, if you and Jennie will do the same for me.

GEORGE    Leo, we're not trading baseball cards now. This is my life, that's your marriage. Save it for you and Marilyn, not for me.

LEO            George, I realize. I'm not the best marriage coun­selor you could go to-the toll-taker in the Lincoln Tunnel is more qualified than me-all I'm saying is take the time to catch your breath. Sleep on it. Take twelve Valiums and wake up in a month_

GEORGE       We're wasting a lot of time, you know that, Leo? This conversation used up my entire engage­ment period.

LEO            Would you mind if I talked to her?

GEORGE    Jennie?

LEO            Yes_ Would you mind if I met with her, alone, and told her how I feel about all this?

GEORGE    Yes, I certainly would. She doesn't need an interview to get into this family.

LEO            Are you afraid she might agree with me?

GEORGE    Leo, I was always bigger than you ... and you always beat up the kids who picked on me. What Pop didn't do for me, you did. I was the only kid on the block who had to buy two Father's Day presents ... All right. Look, you want to protect me? Go ahead. You want to talk to Jennie, talk to her. But I promise you-a half-hour with her and you'll come back wondering why I'm waiting so long.

LEO            Thank you. I'll call Jennie tonight.

GEORGE    Would you like me to talk with Marilyn? I could wrap up the four of us in one night.

LEO            Listen, I could be wrong. I've been wrong be­fore.

GEORGE    When?

LEO          I can't remember when, but I must have been ... (Goes to the door) I don't know what the hell I'm doing in publicity. I was born to be a Jewish mother. (He leaves. GEORGE thinks a moment, then goes to the phone and dials. In JENNIES apartment the phone rings. She's been reading Catch-22)

JENNIE       (Answering the phone) Hello? GEORGE I love you. Do you love me? JENNIE Of course I do ... Who is this?

GEORGE    You're going to get a call from my brother. He thinks we're crazy.

JENNIE       Of course we are. What else is new?

GEORGE    Jennie, I've been thinking ... Let's call it off.
Let's wait a month. Maybe a couple of months.

JENNIE       All right ... Whatever you say.

GEORGE    And I'd like you to move in here with me. Until we decide what to do.

JENNIE       I'll move in whenever you want. GEORGE I'm crazy about you.

JENNIE       I feel the same way.

GEORGE    Then forget what I said. It's still on for Mon­day morning.

JENNIE       I'll be there with my little bouquet! (They hang up. JENNIE looks thoughtful. GEORGE's gaze is drawn to a framed photo of Barbara) Curtain

ACT 2 - SCENE 1

His apartment. It's the next afternoon. GEORGE is stretched out on his sofa, the phone to his ear. He is in the midst of a difficult conversation.

GEORGE       Of course I am ... Yes ... An incredible girl Mom, why would I marry her if I wasn't? ... Her father sells insurance in Cleveland Yes, he also lives there, that's why he works there. (He holds the receiver aside and emits a deep sigh of exasperation. Then he puts the phone back to his ear) ... I just told you Monday morning. In a judge's office ... How can it be, Mom? How can it be a big wedding in a judge's office? ... You'll meet her when you come up from Florida_ (Another deep sigh. The doorbell rings) Hold it a second; Mom, the doorbell's ringing ... No. Mine! (He shakes his head, puts down the phone, opens the door. JENNIE stands there, beaming)

JENNIE          I'm so crazy about you, it's ridiculous. (She throws her arms around him and kisses him) You're the most perfect man who ever lived on the face of the earth.

GEORGE       Jeez, if I hear that one more time today ... What are you doing here?

JENNIE          I just had a physical, a facial and a dental. don't want to get returned because of an imperfection. And I bought you a present. (She takes a package from her purse and hands it to him)

GEORGE       What is it?

JENNIE          Open it. (He does. It is two books bound in fine leather) Two from column B. I bought them at Doubleday's. They had to order them from the publisher_

GEORGE       (Overwhelmed) You had them bound? In leather?

JENNIE          Guaranteed to last as long as Dickens and Twain.

GEORGE       I'm speechless. I'm so thrilled, I don't know what to say ... I mean, the leather binding is beautiful-but to think I sold two more books! (He hugs her) Hey! I left my mother on the phone.

JENNIE          In Florida? I want to speak to her.

GEORGE       Morn? ... The next voice you are about to hear is that of Jennie Malone, a girl who brings dignity and respect to the often maligned phrase, "future daughter-in-law"!

JENNIE          (Into the phone) Mrs. Schneider? ... Hello ... I'm very happy to meet you ... Oh, how nice. Well, I am too ... I hope you know you have a very special and wonderful son.

GEORGE       She knows, she knows.

JENNIE          No ... No, it's not going to be a big wedding. It's going to be in a judge's office.

GEORGE       (Into the phone extension) She drinks, Mom And she's a jockey at Belmont. (He hangs up)

JENNIE          All right, I will ... Yes ... As soon as we get back from Barbados ... God bless you, too. (JENNIE, suddenly taken with tears, hands the phone to GEORGE )

GEORGE       (Into the phone) Mom, I'll be right with you. Hang on. Watch Mery Griffin. (He lays the phone down and embraces JENNIE) She can drive you completely nuts and then say something that just wipes you out.

JENNIE          Listen, let you work. Don't be late tonight. I'm making spaghetti with fresh basil sauce.

GEORGE       Wait a minute. I bought you a present too. (He goes to a drawer, opens it and takes out a ring box) I was going to wait until after dinner, but I think I'm going to be eating a long time. (He hands it to her. She is excited, knowing full well what it probably is)

JENNIE          (Beside herself) Oh, George, George, what have you done?

GEORGE       It's a car.

JENNIE          (Taking out a small diamond ring) Oh, George .

GEORGE       It's no big deal. It's just a wholesale engagement ring.

JENNIE          But we'll only be engaged for two more days_

GEORGE       Well, what I paid, that's all it's going to last.

JENNIE          This is too much emotion for me in one day.

                        Come a half-hour late-I need more time to cry.

                        (And she rushes to the door, stops and goes back to the phone) Hello, Mom, he gave me a ring. (She runs out, and into her own apartment)

GEORGE       (Into the phone) Mom? ... No, she left ... Thank you ... Of course she knows about Barbara ... Well, in my day we discuss things, Mom ... What else am I doing? You mean besides getting married? ... Well, I bought a new sports jacket . Gray ... You can never have too much gray, Mom ...

                        (Dimout)

 

ACT 2 - SCENE 2

Her apartment. The doorbell rings. JENNIE goes over to it.

The lights come up on his apartment. GEORGE, having finished his long conversation with his mother, dials the phone, sitting up. JENNIE opens the door. FAYE stands there, her hair in curlers, covered with a scarf

JENNIE          I thought you were taping two shows today.

FAYE             We're on a lunch break. If I asked you for an enormous favor, would you say yes and not ask any questions?

JENNIE          Yes.

FAYE             How long are you keeping this apartment. (The phone rings)

JENNIE          My lease is up in two months. Why?

FAYE             Would you let me have the key? (JENNIE looks at her. The phone rings again. She picks it up. It is GEORGE)

JENNIE          Hello?

GEORGE       My mother said no. I'm awfully sorry.

JENNIE          I am too.

GEORGE       I think we could have made a go of it, but this is too great an obstacle.

JENNIE          Don't worry about it. I have other things to do.

GEORGE       She found someone else for me. But good news: You're invited to the reception.

JENNIE          So we can still see each other.

GEORGE       Certainly. We can chat over an hors d’oeuvre. I'm going to take a bath now. I. know you like to follow my schedule.

JENNIE          I read it. It was in the Times.

GEORGE       Then there's no point in talking. Goodbye.

JENNIE          'Bye! (They both bang up. He turns and heads for his bathroom as the lights go down on his apartment.)

JENNIE          (turns to FAYE) Why do you want the key?

FAYE             You promised no questions.

JENNIE          That's before I knew the favor.

FAYE             Please. (JENNIE sees that FAYE is serious. She crosses to her dresser, takes out a spare key, goes to FAYE and hands it to her)

JENNIE          I don't want to know, Faye, but if it's something stupid, please don't do it.

FAYE             Then take the key back, because I don't know a smart way to have an affair.

JENNIE          Ohhh, Christ! What have you done?

FAYE             Everything but consummation. That's why I need the key.

JENNIE          When did all this happen?

FAYE             All what? So far it's only ten percent cocktail talk ... But I'm leaning toward "happening.”

JENNIE          I don't want to know who it is. FAYE It's a secret I'll keep to my grave. JENNIE Why won't you tell me?

FAYE             Because it's not important who it is. It's only important that I want to do it. Don't you understand, Jennie? If I don't have something like an affair, I'll scream.

JENNIE          Then scream!

FAYE             Well, I thought I'd try this first.

JENNIE          Listen, maybe you're right. You're a grown lady, you know what you're doing.

FAYE             The hell I do.

JENNIE          Then why are you doing it?

FAYE             You tell me_ Why are you getting married to a man you've known two and a half weeks who was married to a woman he idolized for twelve years? Because yesterday was lousy and it seems right today. I'll worry about tomorrow the day after.

JENNIE          "The Wit and Wisdom of Women in Trouble.” Someday we'll collaborate on it ... Is there anything I can do to help?

FAYE             Just leave me a map of all quick exits from the apartment ... I've got to get back to making America cry. (Holding up the key) Listen, I may never use this, but you're the best friend I ever had.

JENNIE          When is this-thing going to take place?

FAYE             Oh, not for a few days. I have to be hypnotized first. (She exits. The phone rings; JENNIE answers it)

JENNIE          Hello? ... Hello, my angel . I thought you were taking a bath ... Oh, you are! ... No, I do not want to hear you blow bubbles ... I do not want to hear your rubber duck. You're down to three years old, George, and sinking fast. (The doorbell rings) Oh, I think that's Leo ... I'll see you for dinner ... Well, I'm having spaghetti and you're having baby food. 'Bye! (She hangs up and opens the door)

LEO                Hello, Jennie.

JENNIE          Leo-come on in. (He enters) I really enjoyed dinner the other night. Marilyn is a very sweet girl.

LEO                Thank you. We'll have to have you out to the house when you two get settled.

JENNIE          I'd love it ... Would you like some coffee and stale cookies? I'm trying to clean out the kitchen.

LEO                A few minutes. That's all I'm staying. I just wanted to state my case and leave.

JENNIE          Oh? That sounds serious ... All right. Please sit.

LEO                (Decides to stand) This is none of my business, you know. I have no right coming up here.

JENNIE          I think loving your brother is very much your business.

LEO                I'm glad you feel that way. Because I do. The reason I wanted to talk to you, Jennie-and if I'm out of line here, tell me ... the reason I came up here today ... The foundation for my thoughts ... The... the structure for my desire to ... to delineate the ... What the hell am I saying? The structure to delineate-what is that?

JENNIE          You think George and I are going too fast.

LEO                Exactly. Thank you! Christ! I thought that sentence would take me right into middle age.

JENNIE          Two weeks is very fast.

LEO                In some circles it's greased lightning ... Be that as it may-and I hasten to add that I have never used expressions like "Be that as it may" or "I hasten to add"-but I'm having trouble. This is delicate territory, and I'm dealing with someone I care very much about.

JENNIE          Leo, I told George I'd wait as long as he wanted. Two weeks, two months-I don't care how long. He said, "No. It's got to be Monday, the twenty-third. It's all arranged" ... What is it you're afraid will happen, Leo?

LEO (Takes a news clipping from his wallet) I don't know. I'm not sure. Listen, I once did some work for an insurance company and they published these statistics-it was in every national magazine ... (Reads) "The greatest loss that can happen to a man or woman, in terms of traumatic impact to the survivor, is the death of a spouse. The loss of a parent, a child, a job, a house-any catastrophe-is not deemed as devastating as the death of a husband or wife.” In time, thank God and the laws of nature, most people work through it. But it needs the time ... And I wouldn't want you and George to be hurt because that time was denied to him-to both of you.

JENNIE          I see ... Have you and George talked about this?

LEO                I can't always read George's mind. He keeps so much bottled up. Maybe he spills it all out when he's aloneat the typewriter. I don't know.

JENNIE          Can I ask you a question?

LEO                What?

JENNIE          What was it like when Barbara died?

LEO                Ohhh ... I don't think you want to go through that, Jennie.

JENNIE          No, I don't ... But you just made it clear how important it is that I do. Tell me, Leo.

LEO                (Thinks, takes his time) All right ... They were very close. I mean, as close as any couple I've ever seen. After ten years, they still held hands in a restaurant. I'm married eleven years and I don't pass the salt to my wife ... When George first found out how ill Barbara was, he just refused to accept it. He knew it was serious, but there was no way she was not going to beat it. He just couldn't conceive of it. And Barbara never let on to a soul that anything was ever wrong. Her best friend, at the funeral, said to George, "I just didn't know" ... She was beautiful, Jennie, in every way. And then in the last few months you could see she was beginning to slip. George would go out to dinner or a party and leave early, trying not to let on that anything was wrong -and especially not letting on to themselves ... And then one morning George called me from the hospital, and he said very quietly and simply, "She's gone, Leo.” And it surprised me because I thought when it was finally over, George would go to pieces. I mean, I expected a full crackup, and it worried me that he was so held together ... I saw him as often as I could, called him all the time, and then suddenly I didn't hear from him for about five days. He didn't answer the phone. I called the building. They said they didn't see him go in or go out, and I got plenty scared. I went up there-they let me in with the passkey-and I found him in the bedroom sitting in front of the television set, with the picture on and no sound. He was in filthy pajamas, drenched in perspiration. There was a container of milk on the floor next to him that had gone sour. He must have dropped eight or nine pounds. And I said to him, "Hey, George, why don't you answer your phone? Are you okay?" And he said, "Fine. I'm fine, Leo.” Then he reached over and touched my hand, and for the first time in a year and a half, the real tears started to flow. He cried for hours-through that whole night. I still couldn't get him to eat, so the next morning I got our doctor to come over, and he checked him into Mount Sinai. He was there for ten days. And he was in terrible shape. His greatest fear was that I was going to commit him someplace. When he came out, he stayed with me about a week. I couldn't even get him to take a walk. He had this panic, this fear he'd never make it back into the house. I finally got him to walk down to the corner, and he never let go of my arm for a second. We started across the street and he stopped and said, "No, it's too far. Take me back, Leo.” A few weeks later he went into therapy. A really good doctor. He was there about a month, and then suddenly he decided he wasn't going back. He wouldn't explain why. I called the doctor and he explained to me that George was making a very determined effort not to get better. Because getting better meant he was ready to let go of Barbara, and there was no way he was going to let that happen. And then one day, bang, he took off for Europe. But not new places. Only the ones he'd visited with Barbara before. When he came back he looked better, seemed more cheerful. So in my usual dumb, impulsive way, I figured he would want what I would want if I were in his place-companionship. Well, companionship to him and me, I found out, were two different things. But he has good instincts. He knows what's right for him. And God knows what I off_red wasn't right ... until the night I saw you sitting there with Faye and I said, "Oh yeah, that's for George.” I swear to you, Jennie, you are the best thing that could happen to that man. I was just hoping it would happen a little later . _ I'm sorry. No matter how I say all this, it doesn't seem to come out right. But you wanted to hear it. I just felt I had an obligation to say it. I hope you understand that, Jennie.

JENNIE          I'm trying hard to.

LEO                In other words, I think the smart thing to do is wait ... to get one thing over with before you start something new. Is it unfair of me to say that?

JENNIE          Maybe it was your timing that was wrong. It was the most detailed, descriptive, harrowing story any woman who's just about to get married ever heard.

LEO                I'm sorry. The bluntness comes from twenty-one years in the newspaper business.

JENNIE          Jesus God, what a thing to hear. I know you're concerned about your brother-maybe you should have given a little consideration to your future sister-in-law.

LEO                Jennie, please .

JENNIE          Forgive me. I'm sorry. But just let me get angry a second, because I think I deserve it.

LEO                I came here to talk, I didn't come here to fight.

JENNIE          No, maybe you're right, Leo. Maybe George really hasn't dealt with Barbara's death yet. And maybe I haven't asked enough questions. I can only deal with one thing at a time. Let me experience my happiness before I start dealing with the tragedies ... Even if there were no Barbara to deal with, this is scary enough. And I'm goddamned petrified!

LEO                Well, you shouldn't be.

JENNIE          What do you mean, I shouldn't be? The thing I was most frightened to hear, you just sat there and told me.

LEO                That he loved her?

JENNIE          Yes!

LEO                That he was miserable when she died?

JENNIE          Yes! Yes! Of course I know it, but I don't want to hear it. Not now. Not today. My God, I'm moving into the woman's house Monday afternoon.

LEO                That's my point.

JENNIE          I'll wait as long as he wants. But it was his choice. He picked the date. And if that's not the sign of a man who wants to get healthy quickly, I don't know what is ... Who picked me out as the stable one, Leo? I've just come from five years of analysis and a busted marriage. I couldn't believe how lucky I was when George came into my life ... that he was going to make everything all right. And look at me -I'm so damned nervous everything might fall apart. It all feels like it's hanging by a string, and this sharp pair of scissors is coming towards me-snapping away.

LEO                Jennie, I swear to you, the only reason I brought it up at all is because I feel so responsible. I'm the one who made this match.

JENNIE          Well, let me put your mind at rest. There are powers even higher than matchmakers. I promise you, Leo, even if what we're doing is not right, I'll make it right.

LEO                (After a pause) Okay, I'll buy that. (Shakes her hand, smiles) I'll see you Monday, kid. (He starts out)

JENNIE          Leo, do me a favour. Don't tell George what we talked about. Give us time to get to that ourselves.

LEO                I'm not even talking to George. I can't understand why he waited this long. (He opens door and leaves. She beads for the bedroom)

 

ACT 2 - SCENE 3

His apartment. Monday morning, about p A. M. GEORGE, dressed in a neat blue suit, is looking in the mirror at the tissue covering a shaving cut on his jaw. He glances at his watch; be is very nervous. He goes over to the phone and dials.

GEORGE       (He listens for a minute, then speaks distinctly into the phone) Doctor Ornstein ... It's GEORGE SCHNEIDER again ... I don't think I can wait any longer for you to get out of your session ... I know this is a weird message to be leaving on a recording ... I realize I should have called you sooner, but frankly I was nervous about it ... I'm getting married in about forty-five minutes and ... She's a wonderful girl and I know I'm doing the right thing ... I'll be at 273-4681, extension n74, Judge Markowitz's chambers, in case you have to tell me something of the utmost importance, uh ... Goodbye. (He bangs up and wipes his brow with a hanky, realizes he's wearing slippers, runs toward the bedroom. The doorbell rings. He yells out) It's open! (The door opens and LEO comes in wearing a dark-blue suit and a white carnation in his lapel)

LEO                I've been waiting downstairs fifteen minutes. I watered my carnation three times. Are we getting married today or not?

GEORGE       (Returning, shoes in band) I cut myself shaving. I can't stop bleeding. Was there any royalty in our family?

LEO                Yeah. King Irving from White Plains. Come on. The cab is going to cost you more than the honeymoon.

GEORGE       I slept twelve minutes-and I woke up twice during the twelve minutes.

LEO                Let's go, George. The judge has a lot of murderers to convict today.

GEORGE       (Looks at him) Who is she, Leo? I'm marrying a girl, I don't know who she is.

LEO                Don't start with me! Don't give me trouble, George! You drove me and all your friends half-crazy and now suddenly you want information?

GEORGE       I can't breathe. What a day I pick not to be able to breathe. What should I do, Leo?

LEO                I'll buy you a balloon, you can suck on it! George, I've got to know. Are you calling this off? Because if you are, I can still catch a workout at the gym.

GEORGE       (Yells, annoyed) Will you have a little goddamn compassion! I can't even get my ex-analyst on the phone. A lot they care. Fifty dollars an hour and all they do is protect you from doing neurotic things in their office. (Gets a boxed carnation from the refrigerator) Listen, if you're too busy, run along. Take the cab. I don't want you at my wedding anyway. You're going to stand there and make funny faces. You do it all the time.

LEO                I did it at my wedding, never at yours. (Sees GEORGE fumbling hopelessly with the cellophane wrapping of the carnation) What are you doing? What is that, a forest fire? Hold it, hold it, hold it! (He pins the carnation on GEORGE 's lapel)

GEORGE       You never told me what you and Jennie talked about.

LEO                She wasn't home.

GEORGE       She told me I'm very lucky to have such a concerned brother.

LEO                And she told me I'm the one she really wants. She's just marrying you to make me jealous. Let's go, George. (Starts to push GEORGE to the door) If you're late, this judge fines you. (LEO ushers GEORGE almost all the way out. He balks at the door)

GEORGE       You were right, Leo. It's all too soon. I should have waited until eleven, eleven-thirty. Ten o'clock is too soon.

LEO                Will you come on?

GEORGE       I didn't even have breakfast!

LEO                I'll buy you an Egg McMuffin at McDonalds! (LEO hustles GEORGE Out)

 

ACT 2 - SCENE 4

Her apartment. FAYE comes out of the bedroom in a sexy black negligee, wearing dark glasses, nervously smoking a cigarette, brushing her hair. She takes perfume from her bag, sprays it all over. Music plays on the radio. She goes to the door, looks out furtively.

His apartment. A key opens the door. LEO rushes to the phone, dials a number, takes the phone with him as he searches through desk drawers in a slight panic. The phone rings in JENNIE 'S apartment. FAYE is startled, looks at it. It rings again as LEO mutters, "Answer it, come on!" Finally she turns off the music and answers the phone.

FAYE             Yes?

LEO                Faye?

FAYE             What number did you want, please? LEO It's all right, Faye. It's me, Leo.

FAYE             Leo who?

LEO                Faye, I haven't got time to play espionage! I can't meet you now. I've got to rush back out to the airport. George forgot the airline tickets and his traveler's checks, the limousine had a flat on the Long Island Expressway, and Jennie's got the heaves ... Can we do it tomorrow?

FAYE             No. Tomorrow's no good. Sidney and I are going to the marriage counselor.

LEO                What time do you get through?

FAME             I'm going there so I don't have to come here!

LEO                Cool it, cool it! Let's not get untracked before the train gets started-

FAYE             Leo, please. Let's forget it. I can't go through with it.

LEO                Why?

FAYE             I was seen by two little girls in the elevator.

LEO                Faye, please stop treating this like it's the Watergate break-in. You think we're the only ones doing this? What do you think they have lunch hours for? ... I've got to run. There are two people about to leave for their honeymoon who aren't talking to each other. I'll call you later.

FAYE             No, Leo-

LEO                I'm hungry for you ... hot, steaming, roasting, burning hungry with desire. (Kissing and hissing sounds) 'Bye. (Hangs up, looks at his watch) Oh, shit! (He rushes out of the apartment. FAYE bangs up and sits there glumly)

FAYE             This is definitely my last affair. (She goes into the bedroom. Dimout)

 

ACT 2 - SCENE 5

His apartment. It is a week later, about 8 P. M. We hear the sound of thunder, then of rain. The door opens. GEORGE enters, carrying straw bags and suitcases. He looks rather bedraggled. JENNIE follows him in, carrying suitcases and her shoulder bag, along with a large straw hat and bongo drums -bought in the tropics, no doubt. She drops them with a thud, then goes over to the sofa and falls into it, exhausted, her legs outstretched. GEORGE picks up his mail, which was tied with a rubber band and left inside his door. He closes the door, and stands there going through the letters meticulously. Both are silent and there is some degree of tension between them.

JENNIE          (Looks up at the ceiling, mournfully) That was fun! Three days of rain and two days of diarrhea. We should have taken out honeymoon insurance.

GEORGE       (Without looking up) Don't forget to put your watch back an hour.

JENNIE          I don't want the hour. Let 'em keep it! ... _ Any mail for me? (He opens and reads a letter)

GEORGE       (Looks at her) You've only been living here thirty-eight seconds.

JENNIE          Are you going to read your mail now?

GEORGE       It's from my publisher. He wants some revisions.

JENNIE          Again? You "revised" in Barbados ... Is there anything soft to drink?

GEORGE       (Testy) I think there's some beer. I could strain it if you like.

JENNIE          No, thanks. We have all the "strain" we can handle. (She crosses to the fridge) I read somewhere you can tell everything about a person by looking inside his refrigerator. (She opens it) Oh, God! Is this the man I married? Cold and empty, with a little yogurt?

GEORGE       call the grocer in the morning and have him fill up my personality.

JENNIE          (Takes out a half-empty bottle of Coke with no cap on it) You want to share a half a bottle of opened Coke? None of that annoying fizz to worry about. (She takes a swig)

GEORGE       (Looks at ber, not amused) How many glasses of wine did you have-on the plane?

JENNIE          Two.

GEORGE       How many?

JENNIE          Four.

GEORGE       You had seven.

JENNIE          I had six.

GEORGE       And two at the airport. That's eight.

JENNIE          All right, it was eight. But it wasn't seven. Don't accuse me of having seven.

GEORGE       (Gets up) You're tight, Jennie. (He picks up the suitcases and coats)

JENNIE          Ohhh, is that what's been bothering you all day, George? That I drank too much? I can't help it: I don't like flying. I asked you to hold my hand, but you wouldn't do it. So I drank some wine instead.

GEORGE       (Starts for the bedroom with the bags) I did hold your hand. And while I was holding it, you drank my wine. (He goes into the bedroom)

JENNIE          All right, George. Get it all out. You're angry because I ate your macadamia nuts, too, aren't you? And your package of Trident chewing gum. And I read the Time magazine you bought before you. You're sore because I knew what happened to "People in the News" ahead of you. (She glances through the mail)

GEORGE       Don't mix up my mail, please.

JENNIE          (Puts it back) Pardonnez-moi. I'll "revise" it later. (He takes off his jacket. She tries to be more cheerful) It's a little glum in here ... We need plants. Lots of plants, from the floor to the ceiling. And sunshine. How do we get some sunshine in here?

GEORGE       I think our best bet is to wait for the morning. (He picks up her bags)

JENNIE          Oh, God! Humor! At last, humor!

GEORGE       Look, it's been a lousy day. And because of the time difference, we get an extra hour of lousy. Why don't we just write it off and go to bed.

JENNIE          I'm hungry.

GEORGE       (Starts to unpack some tropical souvenirs) You just had dinner on the plane.

JENNIE          Airplane food is not dinner. It's survival. Come on, let's get a chili-burger.

GEORGE       I don't want one.

JENNIE          Don't be ridiculous. Everybody wants a chili-burger. Come on, George, a big, greasy, nongovernment-inspected burger dripping with illegal Mexican chili. (She gooses him with the Coke bottle)

GEORGE       (Pulls away angrily) Cut it out, dammit!

JENNIE          (Startled by his sudden hostility) I'm sorry.

GEORGE       How many times do I have to tell you? I don't want a goddamn chili hamburger!

JENNIE          Chili-burger. The ham is silent, like Hyphen Hill.

GEORGE       Oh, very good. Give the girl two gallons of wine and the repartee really gets quick.

JENNIE          Well, never as quick as you, George. Ah'm jes a dumb ole country girl from Cleveland.

GEORGE       I noticed. Sitting on the plane with pen poised over the New York Times crossword puzzle for three and a half hours without ink ever once touching paper.

JENNIE          I'm sorry, George. Am I not "literary" enough for you? How's this? "Up your syntax!"

GEORGE       Swell. I'll try it tonight. I've been looking for a thrill. (He goes into the kitchen. She sits, angry now, trying to figure out how to handle all this. GEORGE comes back in with a glass of water)

JENNIE          I've tried everything, including my funniest faces, to get a smile out of you since eight o'clock this morning.

GEORGE       Why don't you try an hour of quiet? (He pops a Tylenol)

JENNIE          I tried it in Barbados and it turned into twenty-four hours of gloom.

GEORGE       Listen, I'm walking a very fine line tonight. There are a lot of things I would like to say that would just get us both in trouble. I don't want to deal with it now. Let's just go to bed and hope that two extra-strength Tylenol can do all they claim to do. Okay? (He starts to cross back into the bedroom)

JENNIE          I'd just as soon hear what you had to say.

GEORGE       I don't think you would.

JENNIE          Why don't you be in charge of saying it and I'll be responsible for not wanting to hear it. (He looks at her, nods, then looks around and decides to sit opposite her. She looks at him. He stares at the floor)

GEORGE       As honeymoons go, I don't think you got much of a break.

JENNIE          Really? I'm sorry if you felt that way. I had an intermittently wonderful time.

GEORGE       Well, I don't know what you experienced in the past. I'm not a honeymoon expert, but personally I found me unbearably moody.

JENNIE          Two days in seven isn't much of a complaint -which I never did. And I think we ought to limit this conversation to present honeymoons.

GEORGE       Why?

JENNIE          Because that's where we're living.

GEORGE       You can't get to the present without going through the past.

JENNIE          Jesus, George, is that what you did in Barbados? Compare honeymoons?

GEORGE       (Stares at her) Why don't you ever ask me questions, Jennie? Why do you treat our lives as though there never was a day that happened before we met?

JENNIE          I'm not overly curious, George. If there are things you want to tell me, then tell me ... but Christ, does it have to be our first night in this house?

GEORGE       Jesus, I was wondering when that perfectly calm exterior was going to crack. Thank God for a little antagonism.

JENNIE          Antagonism, hell. That's pure fear. We haven't even started this conversation yet and I'm scared to death.

GEORGE       Why?

JENNIE          I have terrific animal instincts. I know when my life is about to be threatened.

GEORGE       Aren't you even curious to know who the hell we are? I mean, I think you've got some goddamn romantic image of this man with a tragic past right out of Jane Eyre.

JENNIE          You're the one with the writer's imagination, not me.

GEORGE       All right, I'll start. Who is Gus? I would appreciate some biographical information on the man you spent a few important years of your life on. I mean, he's got to be more than a comic figure in a football jersey who pops up in a conversation every time we need a laugh.

JENNIE          I never thought of him as comic.

GEORGE       Really? Well, anyone who's described as pulling the wine cork out of the bottle with his teeth didn't seem like heavyweight material to me.

JENNIE          I wish to hell I knew what you're trying to get at.

GEORGE       Oh, come on, Jennie. Tell me something-anything ... What was your honeymoon like? Would you say your sex life was A) good; B) bad; or C) good and bad. Pick one!

JENNIE          Why are you doing this to me? I don't understand. Do you expect me to stand there and give a detailed description of what it was like in bed with him? Is that what you want to hear?

GEORGE       Okay, Jennie, forget it.

JENNIE          If you want the truth, I don't think I ever knew the first damn thing about sex, because what happened to you and me in Barbados was something I never dreamed was possible. I hope you felt the same way, George. You never gave me any cause to doubt it . I'm sorry. This is very painful for me to talk about ... But I'll try, George, try anything that's going to make us move closer to each other.

GEORGE       I said forget it.

JENNIE          (Yells) No, goddammit! You're not going to open me up and walk away from it. I went through one marriage ignorant as hell. At least let me learn from this one. What else? Ask me!

GEORGE       You're doing fine on your own.

JENNIE          Please, George. I'm not going to blow five years of analysis in one night because you haven't got the nerve to finish what you've started. I've al-ways had problems with confrontations. If my father just looked at me with a curve in his eyebrow I fell apart. But I swear to God, I'm going to get through this one. (He tries to leave the room; she blocks his way) No other questions? (He doesn't answer) Then can I ask you a few?

GEORGE       Why not?

JENNIE          Tell me about Barbara.

GEORGE       (Looks at her) She was terrific.

JENNIE          Oh, I know she was pretty. I see enough pictures of her around here. Tell me about your honeymoon. You went to Europe, didn't you?

GEORGE       Paris, London and Rome. And if you want a romantic description, it was a knockout.

JENNIE          I got the adjectives, George, what about the details? Big room? small room? view of the park? overlooking the Seine? fourposter bed? What was the wallpaper like?

GEORGE       Stop it, Jennie!

JENNIE          Why? What's wrong? Would you rather make out a list? What's safe to talk about and what's hands-off?

GEORGE       (A deep breath) Jesus, I don't have the strength for this kind of thing anymore.

JENNIE          You were doing fine two minutes ago.

GEORGE       (Looks at his hands) Sweating like crazy ... I'm sorry, Jennie, I don't think I'm up to this tonight.

JENNIE          Why, George? Why is it so painful? What are you feeling now? Do you think that I'm expecting you to behave a certain way?

GEORGE       No. I expect it. I expect a full commitment from myself ... I did it twelve years ago _ . But I can't do it now.

JENNIE          I'm in no hurry. What you're giving now is enough for me. I know the . rest will come.

GEORGE       flow do you know? How the hell did you become so wise and smart? Stop being so goddamn understanding, will you? It bores the crap out of me.

JENNIE          Then what do you want? Bitterness? Anger? Fury? You want me to stand toe to toe with you like Barbara did? Well, I'm not Barbara. And I'll be damned if I'm going to re-create her life, just to make my life work with you. This is our life now, George, and the sooner we start accepting that, the sooner we can get on with this marriage...

GEORGE       No, you're not Barbara. That's clear enough.

JENNIE          (Devastated) Oh, Jesus, George. If you want to hurt me, you don't have to work that hard.

GEORGE       Sorry, but you give me so much room to be cruel, I don't know when to stop.

JENNIE          I never realized that was a fault until now.

GEORGE       I guess it's one of the minor little adjustments you have to make. But I have no worry-you'll make them.

JENNIE          And you resent me for that?

GEORGE       I resent you for everything!

JENNIE          (Perplexed) Why, George? Why?

GEORGE       Because I don't feel like making you happy tonight! I don't feel like having a wonderful time. I don't think I wanted a "terrifically wonderful" honeymoon! You want happiness, Jennie, find yourself another football player, will ya? I resent everything you want out of marriage that I've already had. And for making me reach so deep inside to give it to you again. I resent being at L or M and having to go back to A! And most of all, I resent not being able to say in front of you ... that I miss Barbara so much. (He covers his eyes, crying silently. JENNIE has been cut so deeply, she can hardly react. She just sits there, fighting back her tears) Oh, Christ, Jennie, I'm sorry ... I think I need a little outside assistance.  

JENNIE          (Nods) What do you want to do?

GEORGE       (Shrugs) I don't know. I don't want to make any promises I can't keep.

JENNIE          Whatever you want.

GEORGE       We got, as they say in the trade, problems, kid. (He goes to her, embraces her bead, then goes into the bedroom, leaving her stunned and alone. Dimout)

 

ACT 2 - SCENE 6

Her apartment. It is two days later, about three o'clock on a sunny afternoon. The living room is empty.

FAYE comes in from the bedroom, wearing a sheet-and apparently nothing else. Her hair is disheveled. She is distraught.

LEO SCHNEIDER comes out of the bedroom, zipping up his pants. He is nude from the waist up.

LEO                I'm sorry.

FAYE             Forget it.

LEO                Don't be like that.

FAYE             What should I be like?

LEO                It was an important phone call. I bad to take it.

FAYE             It's not taking it that bothered me_ It's when you took it I felt was badly timed.

LEO                Half my year's gross income depended on that call. He's my biggest client. Come on back ... Faye? What do you say? They won't call again.

FAYE             You mean you actually left this number? I changed taxis three times and walked with a limp into the building and you gave out this number?

FAYE             Jesus-I'm worried I'm going to be emotionally scarred for life, and you're getting rich.

LEO                You're so tense, Faye. You've been tense since I walked in the door. I knew when I came in and we shook hands, things weren't going to be relaxed.

FAYE             I'm no good at this, Leo. I'm nervous and I'm clumsy.

LEO                Don't be silly. You've been wonderful. FAYE I'm sorry about your shoes.

LEO                just a little red wine. They're practically dry.

FAYE             Your socks too?

LEO                Don't worry about it ... Hey, Faye-Faysie! Have I offended you in some way? Have I been inconsiderate? Insensitive?

FAYE             Aside from adultery, you've been a perfect gentleman. I don't know . I just didn't think it would be so complicated. So noisy.

LEO                Noisy? What noise?

FAYE             My heart. It's pounding like a cannon. They must hear it all over the building.

LEO                I'll turn on the radio, they'll think it's the rhythm section ... Hey! Would you like to dance?

FAYE             With red wine in your shoes? You'll squeak.

LEO                (Pulling FAYE to her feet) C'mon.

                        (Singing)

                        Flamingo ...

                        Like a flame in the sky . Flying over the island ...

                        (Taking her cigarette) Gimme that.

                        (Singing)

                        To my lover nearby ...

                        (Sings a scat phrase, starts dancing with FAYE ) Hey, Flamingo ...

                        In your tropical hue ...

FAYE             You're crazy, Leo.

LEO                Words of passion and romance .

FAYE             You're embarrassing me.

LEO                And my love for you ... (Sings a scat phrase) One dip. Just give me one old-fashioned dip. (He dips her)

FAYE             Let me up, Leo. I'm in no mood to be dipped! (She slips a little and they slide to the floor)

LEO                Jesus, you're pretty.

FAYE             I'm not.

LEO                Don't tell me you're not. I'm telling you you're pretty.

FAYE             All right, I'm pretty. I don't want to argue.

LEO                You're pretty and you're sweet and you've got the softest face.

FAYE             You've done this a lot, haven't you, Leo?

LEO                You get some particular thrill in dousing me with ice water?

FAYE             You're so good at it. I admire your professionalism_ It's all so well-crafted. Like a really well-built cabinet.

LEO                Where do you find a parallel between my lovemaking and woodwork?

FAYE             I may be new at this, Leo, but I'm not naïve. You've had affairs with married women before, haven't you?

LEO                NO...

FAYE             Leo ...

LEO                There was one woman, but she was waiting for her divorce to come through.

FAYE             A lot?

LEO                Maybe one other.

FAYE             You've done it a lot.

LEO                A few times, I swear.

FAYE             A lot.

LEO                Yes, a lot. But they were never important to me. Today is important to me. (Trying to caress her, he struggles with the sheet) What is this tent you're wear-ing?

FAYE             (She gets up, moves away) Please, Leo. A lot of meaningless affairs does not raise my appreciation of what we're doing.

LEO                It's not just the phone call that's bothering you. It's something else. You know what the problem is? You don't have a good enough reason to be here.

FAYE             That's a funny thing to say to a woman who shopped in twelve stores for the right underwear.

LEO                Well, then, maybe we rushed it_ I rushed it, okay? Maybe this isn't the right time for you, Faye.

FAYE             What do you know about it? A couple of lousy affairs and you're suddenly Margaret Mead? Listen, when Jennie began having trouble with Gus, she decided to see an analyst. And I asked her, "When was the day you finally realized you needed one?" And she said, "It was the day I found myself in his office.” Well, I'm here in your office ... and I need something in my life. I already tried Transcendental Meditation, health foods and jogging. And I am now serenely, tranquilly and more robustly un-happy than I have ever been before . So don't tell me this isn't the right time, Sidney!

LEO                Leo.

FAYE             Leo! Oh, shit!

LEO                Oh, Faye, sweet Faye ... You are so much more interesting-looking than you were twelve years ago. You've got so damn much character in your face.

FAYE             Why does that not overjoy me? Why is life going by so fast, Leo? First I was pretty. Now I'm interesting-looking with character! Soon I'll be handsome followed by stately and finally, worst of all, remarkable for her age.

LEO                Gloomy! You're taking a gloomy perspective, Faye. Gloom is the enemy of a good time.

FAYE             You were right before, Leo. I don't have a good enough reason to be here. Because what I want, I can't have. I want what Jennie has: the excitement of being in love again. I'm so much smarter now, I could handle everything so much better. I am so jealous of her I could scream. I did for her what I wish I could have done for myself. And in return I got her apartment to do exactly what I swore, when I was young and pretty, I would never end up doing when I became interesting-looking with character.

LEO                I think you're a very confused person, Faye.

FAYE             I've noticed that ... I think you'd better leave first, Leo. I have to stay for a while and practice my limp.

LEO                I was crazy about you, Faysie… Never stopped thinking about you all through the years. I used to skim through the trades to see if you were working or not-

FAYE             Why didn't you ever try to get in touch with me?

LEO                I heard you were happily married. FAYE I heard you were, too.

LEO                Go trust people.

FAYE             I never told you this, but my mother didn't like you.

LEO                I never met her.

FAYE             I know, but I used to tell her about you. She said, "I know his type. He's the kind that needs lots of women. ' I could call her and say, "You were right, Mom"-but how do I explain how I found out?

LEO                I wonder what would have happened if we had married each other?

FAYE             Well, I would hope a hell of a lot more than happened today ... What's your opinion?

LEO                I think we'd have turned out swell.

FAYE             You don't really believe that, do you?

LEO                No.

FAYE             Then why did you say it?

LEO                I thought it would make you happy.

FAYE             You're awful.

LEO                Why? Because I want to please you? Are we better off deluding ourselves that ours would have been one of the great love affairs of midtown Man-hattan? I know what it is and you know what it is -why do we have to call it something we both know it isn't?

FAYE             Because a woman needs delusion.

LEO                (Putting on the rest of his clothes) Not me. I need something new. It's why I like show business. There's another opening every three weeks. I can't be monogamous, Faye. What can I do, take shots for it? But in our system I'm put down as a social criminal. I can't be faithful to my wife, and I hate the guilt that comes with playing around. So I compromise. I have lots of unpleasurable affairs. And what makes it worse-I really do care for Marilyn. I can't stop, and I don't expect her to understand. So we end up hurting each other. I don't like it, Faye. I don't like crawling into bed at two o'clock in the morning and feeling the back of a cold, angry woman. And I don't like you coming up here under any false pretenses. I would love to make love to you, but that's the end of the sentence. I don't want a fine romance. I don't want to dance on the ceiling or have my heart stand still when "she" walks in the door. Because I really don't want to hurt anyone anymore. All I want is a little dispassionate passion ... Let George and Jennie handle all the romance for the East Coast. The man is half-crazed right now, and he's welcome to it ... I'll tell you what I do want, Faye. I want a woman who looks exactly like you and feels like you and thinks exactly like me.

FAYE             Boy, did I ever come to the wrong store to shop.

LEO                So what have we got here? We got one romantic unhappy woman, one indifferent frustrated man and one available and unused bedroom ... is what we got here.

FAYE             It's too bad. You finally got me in the mood, and your honesty got me right out of it.

LEO                Anyway, I like you too much. Making love to people you like is very dangerous.

FAYE             Good. Save it for your enemies.

LEO                (Looks at his watch) Well, I can still get some work done. Can I drop you downtown?

FAYE             You mean, leave together? Suppose someone sees us?

LEO                Listen, they could have seen us in bed and never suspected anything. Come on, get dressed.

FAYE             Leo, as a lover, you make a terrific friend. Would you mind giving me one warm, passionate and very sincere kiss? I'll be goddamned if I'm going home empty-handed.

LEO                (Steps toward her) Hold on to your sheet, kid, kissing is my main thing. (He gently puts his arms around her and gives her a soft, warm kiss on the lips. She pulls back, looks at him, and then suddenly feeling very safe, she leans forward again and they kiss deeply and passionately. His hands start to roam over her back. He gently puts her down on the sofa and begins to kiss her neck and her face as ... the door opens and JENNIE walks in. She sees them and freezes)

JENNIE          Oh, God! I am sorry! (They both jump up. LEO backs away)

FAYE             Oh, Jesus! LEO Oh, Christ! JENNIE I should have called. I didn't think-

LEO                It's all right. It's okay. No harm done_ We're all adults. It's a grown-up world. These things happen. We have to be mature-

FAYE             Oh, shut up, Leo.

JENNIE          I just came by to pick up the rest of my summer clothes. I can do it later. I'm so sorry. (She backs up toward the door)

FAYE             Don't think, Jennie. Don't think until I talk to you tonight. Promise me you won't think.

JENNIE          I won't_ I promise ... Goodbye, Leo. Say hello to Maril-! Goodbye, Leo! (She turns and goes out, closing the door)

FAYE             This is one of those situations in life that a lot of people find humor in-I don't! (She goes into the bedroom)

LEO                That's a first for me. That has never happened -+before. Never caught by a sister-in-law. Never! (He leaves, slamming the front door)

ACT 2 - SCENE 7

His apartment, about an hour later_ GEORGE comes out of the bedroom, wearing a sports jacket and carrying a raincoat and fully packed suitcase and attache case_ He puts a note on the desk and starts for the door. JENNIE enters, looking a little glum, sees GEORGE and his luggage.

GEORGE       Hi.

JENNIE          Hi.

GEORGE       You had some messages. (Takes the piece of notepaper from the desk) I was going to leave this for you. I don't know if you can read my writing ... Jill James at CBS called and said you start shooting again on Monday. They'll send the pages over tonight. Also, Helen Franklyn called and said you have a reading for the new Tom Stoppard play Monday at ten. And Faye called a few minutes ago, said it was urgent she talk to you and can you have lunch with her on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday ... And that was it.

JENNIE          (Stunned; doesn't respond immediately) I'm sorry, I wasn't listening ... I couldn't take my eyes off your suitcase.

GEORGE       I tried to explain everything in a letter. I left it on the bed.

JENNIE          Good. I was worried that I wasn't getting any mail ... Where are you going?

GEORGE       Los Angeles. Someone at Paramount is interested in The Duchess of Limehouse as a film.

JENNIE          When did all this come up?

GEORGE       Two weeks ago.

JENNIE          Why didn't you tell me?

GEORGE       I had no reason to go two weeks ago.

JENNIE          Leave it to you to make a point clear. How long will you be gone?

GEORGE       I don't know.

JENNIE          Where will you stay?

GEORGE       I don't know.

JENNIE          Just going to circle the airport for a few days?

GEORGE       You never lose your equilibrium, do you?

JENNIE          You think not? I'd hate to see an X-ray of my stomach right now.

GEORGE       I don't think being apart for a while is going to do us any damage.

JENNIE          Probably no worse than being together the past few days.

GEORGE       But if it's really important to get in touch with me, Leo will know where I am.

JENNIE          And I'll know where Leo is.

GEORGE       (Goes to the door, turns back uncomfortably) I don't think I have anything else to say. How about you?

JENNIE          (Shrugs) I have no statement to make at this time.

GEORGE       I'm glad a lot of work is coming your way. I know it's important to you. It's what you want.

JENNIE          I'm glad you know what I want, George ... If you told me five years ago, I could have saved a lot of doctor money.

GEORGE       I was busy five years ago.

JENNIE          You don't have to remind me. Interesting how this all worked out. You pack up and go and leave me with all your memories.

GEORGE       I'm sorry, but you can't get a five-room apartment in the overhead rack.

JENNIE          Is there anything you want me to take care of while you're gone?

GEORGE       You seem to be taking care of it fine right now.

JENNIE          Oh, I tripped over the wire and set off the trap, didn't I? ... Everything I say can be so cleverly twisted around by you that you always end up the victim and I'm the perpetrator. God forbid I'm not as fast with a thought or a phrase as you, and you pounce on it like a fat cat.

GEORGE       Fat cats are very slow on the pounce because they're fat, but I got your point.

JENNIE          (Very angry) Oh, go on, get the hell out of here, will you! If you're going to leave, leave! Go! Your Mystery Plane is waiting to take you, shrouded in secrecy, to your Phantom Hotel on the intriguing West Coast. Even your life is turning into a goddamn spy novel-

GEORGE       (Puts down the valise) I've got a few minutes. I don't want to miss what promises to be our most stimulating conversation since I thought you were an eighty-five-year-old woman on the phone.

JENNIE          Isn't it amazing the minute I get angry and abusive, it's one of the few times I can really hold your attention ... What can I say that will really hurt you, George? I want to send you off happy. (She swarms over him, punching him. He throws her onto the sofa)

GEORGE       Just going is reward enough. (He starts out. She runs ahead of him and grabs the suitcase to fling it out. He throws her to the floor)

JENNIE          You know what you want better than me, George ... I don't know what you expect to find out there, except a larger audience for your two shows a day of suffering ... I know I'm not as smart as you. Maybe I can't analyze and theorize and speculate on why we behave as we do and react as we do and suffer guilt and love and hate. You read all those books, not me . But there's one thing I do know. I know how Iftel. I know I can stand here watching you try to destroy everything I've ever wanted in my life, wanting to smash your face with my fists because you won't even make the slightest effort to opt for happiness-and still know that I love you. That's always so clear to me. It's the one place I get all my strength from ... You mean so much to me that I am willing to take all your abuse and insults and insensitivity-because that's what you need to do to prove I'm not going to leave you. I can't promise I'm not going to die, George, that's asking too much. But if you want to test me, go ahead and test me. You want to leave, leave! But I'm not the one who's going to walk away. I don't know if I can take it forever, but I can take it for tonight and I can take it next week. Next month I may be a little shaky. But I'll tell you something, George. No matter what you say about me, I feel so good about myself -better than I felt when I ran from Cleveland and was frightened to death of New York. Better than I felt when Gus was coming home at two o'clock in the morning just to change his clothes. Better than I felt when I thought there was no one in the world out there for me, and better than I felt the night before we got married and I thought that I wasn't good enough for you ... Well, I am! I'm wonderful! I'm nuts about me! And if you're stupid enough to throw someone sensational like me aside, then you don't deserve as good as you've got! I am sick and tired of running from places and people and relationships ... And don't tell me what I want because I'll tell you what I want. I want a home and I want a family-and I want a career, too. And I want a dog and I want a cat and I want three goldfish. I want everything! There's no harm in wanting it, George, because there's not a chance in hell we're going to get it all, anyway. But if you don't want it, you've got even less chance than that ... Everyone's out there looking for easy answers. And if you don't find it at home, hop into another bed and maybe you'll come up lucky. Maybe! You'd be just as surprised as me at some of the "maybe's" I've seen out there lately. Well, none of that for me, George. You want me, then fight for me, because I'm fighting like hell for you. I think we're both worth it. I will admit, however, that I do have one fault. One glaring, major, monumental fault ... Sometimes I don't know when to stop talking. For that I'm sorry, George, an& I apologize. I am now through! (She sits back on the sofa, exhausted)

GEORGE       (Looks at her for a long time, then says warmly) I'll tell you one thing-I'm glad you're on my side.

JENNIE          (Looks over at him) Do you mean it, George?

GEORGE       I didn't hear half of what you said because I was so mesmerized by your conviction. I'm not a doctor, Jennie, but I can tell you right now, you're one of the healthiest people I ever met in my life.

JENNIE          (Smiles) Funny, I don't look it.

GEORGE       I am crazy about you. I want you to know that.

JENNIE          I know that.

GEORGE       No. You don't know that I'm absolutely crazy nuts for you.

JENNIE          Oh. No, I didn't know that. You're right.

GEORGE       I want to walk over now and take you in my arms and say, "Okay, we're finished with the bad part. Now, what's for dinner?" But I'm stuck, Jennie. I'm just stuck someplace in my mind and it's driving me crazy. Something is keeping me here, glued to this spot like a big, dumb, overstuffed chair.

JENNIE          I could rearrange the furniture.

GEORGE       Don't make it so easy for me. I'm fighting to hold on to self-pity, and just my luck I run into the most understanding girl in the world.

JENNIE          I'm not so understanding.

GEORGE       Yes, you are. You just said so yourself. And I swear to God, Jennie, I can't find a thing I would want to change about you ... So let me go to Los Angeles. Let me try to get unstuck ... I'll be at the Chateau Marmont Hotel. I'll be in my room unsticking like crazy.

JENNIE          Couldn't I go with you? I wouldn't bother you. I would just watch.

GEORGE       Then the people next door would want to watch, and pretty soon we'd have a crowd. (He picks up his suitcase) Take care of yourself.

JENNIE          George! (He stops, looks at her) Would you mind very much if I slept in my apartment while you're gone? I feel funny about staying in this place alone.

GEORGE       (Nods) I understand ...

JENNIE          If you don't call me, can I call you?

GEORGE       (A pause) You know, we may have one of the most beautiful marriages that was ever in trouble. (He goes out. Sbe goes to the door, watches him go, then comes in and closes the door. Dimout)

 

ACT 2 - SCENE 8

Her apartment. The next day. The doorbell rings. FAYE opens the door. It is LEO.

LEO                Oh? Hello! Do I look as surprised as you?

FAYE             What are you doing here?

LEO                I just dropped by.

FAYE             To see me?

LEO                NO.

FAYE             Thank God. I was afraid it was one of those habits you can't break.

LEO                Is Jennie home?

FAYE             She's in the shower. She moved back last night ... So much for our matchmaking business.

LEO                Actually I came back hoping to find my wallet. I think I dropped it in the bedroom yesterday during the mass exodus.

FAYE             Jennie found it. She woke up in the middle of the night with a credit card lump under her head. (She gives him a small Manila envelope, held with a rubber band. He looks at it)

LEO                She didn't have to put my name on it. It's humiliating enough. Did she say anything about us?

FAYE             That's not her style ... I was prepared to tell her I'd been drugged. You don't mind, do you?

LEO                Look, why don't we just write off yesterday? Even my horoscope said, "Stay outdoors.”

FAYE             I'm in the process of forgetting about it. I'm seeing Jennie's old doctor on Monday.

LEO                That's terrific. I'm glad you're doing something constructive about your problems.

FAYE             And what about you, Leo? What are you doing?

LEO                (Shrugs) Nothing! I have no intention of changing. So why should I pay some doctor to make me feel guilty about it?

FAYE             And what about you and Marilyn? Are you going to separate?

LEO                Yes. But not this year. We have too many dinner dates ... (He stands) Well, I'll see you around, kid.

FAYE             Every place but here.

LEO                Keep your options open. It makes life more interesting.

FAYE             Why is it the more you say things I don't like, the more attractive you get?

LEO                That's what's going to cost you fifty bucks an hour to find out ... We never did finish that warm, passionate, friendly kiss_

FAYE             You know what? I think I'm just crazy enough to do it. (They kiss. JENNIE walks in from the bedroom in a bathrobe, drying her hair with a towel)

JENNIE          Faye, was that the phone I heard before? (She stops, seeing them. They break apart) Jesus, is that the same kiss from yesterday?

LEO                My regiment was just called up and I'm trying to say goodbye to everybody ... Maybe next week the three of us can meet in a restaurant, because I'd like to explain this whole silly business. We'll all wear hoods, of course.

JENNIE          Leo ... Have you heard from George?

LEO                No ... but give him a couple of days, Jen. He'll figure it out. (Kisses her, starts out, stops) Jesus, life was so simple when we were kids. No matter how much trouble you got into outside, when you got home you always got a cupcake. (He leaves)

FAYE             (Looks sheepishly at JENNIE) I feel so foolish. Do you hate me?

JENNIE          (Smiles) I could never hate you.

FAME             Well, I have another confession to make to you ... Leo was never the one I wanted to have an affair with.

JENNIE          Who was?

FAYE             A certain ex-wide receiver from the New York Giants.

JENNIE          Gus?

FAYE             I lusted for that man in more places than my heart.

JENNIE          Then why did you pick Leo?

FAYE             Because I was intimate with him before I met Sidney ... I just wanted to practice with someone I already knew.

JENNIE          You have a peculiar bookkeeping system.

FAYE             Anyway, Sidney and I are going to an adult motel in New Jersey this weekend. From now on, I'm only cheating with the immediate family ... I've got to go. Are you sure you'll be all right? I mean, staying here all alone?

JENNIE          Wait a minute. Am I having a déjà vu or have we played this scene before?

FAYE             The dialogue does seem awfully familiar. I remember saying, "Shit. Twelve more years to go until the good times" and then falling in love with the girl across the street.

JENNIE          Oh, God. Our life is on a loop. Does this mean I have to go out with the giant from Chicago again?

FAYE             I'd better go before Leo comes in with a bottle of red wine. (She crosses to the door, opens it, then turns back) There's a lesson to be learned from all this ... I wonder what the hell it is. (She leaves. Fadeout)

 

ACT 2 - SCENE 9

His apartment. The door opens. GEORGE enters and turns on the lights. He looks a little travel-weary.

GEORGE       (Putting down his suitcase) Jennie? Jennie? (He looks around, then goes into the bedroom. It's apparent no one is home. He comes back into the living room. In her apartment, JENNIE goes to the refrigerator, takes out an apple, then goes to the sofa and sits. GEORGE picks up the phone, and starts to dial just as JENNIE picks up the receiver. She dials 213555-12t2. He finishes dialing and gets a busy signal. He hangs up, takes a manuscript from his attaché case)

JENNIE          (Into the phone) Los Angeles ... I'd like the number of the Chateau Marmont Hotel ... Yes, I think it is West Hollywood ... (She waits. He paces) 656-1010 Thank you. (She disconnects with her finger, then starts to dial just as he goes back to the phone, picks it up and starts to dial. She gets halfway through the number when she suddenly hangs up) Patience, Jennie! Don't pressure him. (She sits back just as he completes his dial. Her phone rings. She jumps and clutches her bosom) Oh, God, I'm so smart! (She reaches over and picks up the phone) Hello?

GEORGE       Serene?

JENNIE          Who?

GEORGE       Is this Serene Jurgens? ... It's George Schneider, Leo's brother. I just arrived on the Coast, darling. At last, I'm free.

JENNIE          (Near tears) Tell me you're joking, George. Right now I wouldn't know humor if it hit me with a truck.

GEORGE       Oh. Well, then you'd better pull off the highway ... How are you? What have you been doing?

JENNIE          Watching the telephone. Nothing good on until now ... How's the weather there?

GEORGE       (Looks around) Oh, about eighty-four degrees. A little humid.

JENNIE          Same here ... How are you, George?

GEORGE       Dumb, Dummy Dumbo.

JENNIE          Why?

GEORGE       Well, when Barbara and I had a fight, I'd walk around the block and come back twenty minutes later feeling terrific ... At the airport I said to myself, "Of course. That's what I should do.” And that's what I did.

JENNIE          I can't believe it. You mean, you just walked around the block?

GEORGE       Yes.

JENNIE          What's so dumb about that?

GEORGE       I was in the Los Angeles airport when I thought of it.

JENNIE          Well, where are you? Here or there?

GEORGE       Wait, I'll look. (He looks around) Looks like here.

JENNIE          You're back! You're in New York!

GEORGE       I never even checked into the Chateau Marmont . I got unstuck in the TWA lounge.

JENNIE          Oh, George ...

GEORGE       I sat there drinking my complimentary Fresca, and I suddenly remembered a question Dr. Ornstein told me to ask myself whenever I felt trouble coming on. The question is "What is it you're most afraid would happen if?"

JENNIE          I'm listening.

GEORGE       So I said to myself, "George, what is it you're most afraid would happen-if you went back to New York ... to Jennie ... and started your life all over again?" And the answer was so simple ... I would be happy! I have stared happiness in the face, Jennie-and I embrace it.

 

JENNIE          (Tearfully) Oh, George. You got any left to embrace me?

GEORGE       From here? No. You need one of those long-armed fellas for that.

JENNIE          Well, what are we waiting for? Your place or mine?

GEORGE       Neither. I think we have to find a new one called "Ours.”

JENNIE          Thank you, George. I was hoping we would.

GEORGE       Thus, feeling every bit as good about me as you do about you, I finished the last chapter of the new book on the plane. (He takes up the manuscript. The last few pages are handwritten) I've got it with me. You want to hear it?

JENNIE          The last chapter?

GEORGE       No. The whole book. JENNIE Of course. I'll be right over.

GEORGE       No, I'll read it to you. I don't want to lose my momentum. (He opens the manuscript folder, settles back; so does she. He reads) You ready? ... Falling Into Place, by George Schneider. Dedication: "To Jennie ... A nice girl to spend the rest of your life with ... .” (He turns the page) Chapter One ... .”Walter Maslanski looked in the mirror and saw what he feared most ... Waiter Maslanski .” (The curtain begins to fall) "Not that Walter's features were awe-some by any means He had the sort of powder-puff eyes that could be stared down in an abbreviated battle by a one-eyed senior-citizen canary ...” Curtain