The Rocky Horror Picture Show

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                     The Rocky Horror Picture Show                              Movie Script                       Prepared and Edited by:                             George Burgyan                         (                             July 5 1993                      The Rocky Horror Picture Show                              Movie Script       Cast:         Dr. Frank-n-Furter (a scientist)              Tim Curry         Janet Weiss (a heroine)                  Susan Sarandon         Brad Majors (a hero)                     Barry Bostwick        Riff Raff (a handyman)                Richard O'Brien         Magenta (a domestic)                     Patricia Quinn         Columbia (a groupie)       Little Nell (Laura Campbell)         Dr. Everett V. Scott (a rival scientist) Jonathan Adams         Rocky Horror (a creation)                 Peter Hinwood         Eddie (ex-delivery boy)                       Meat Loaf         The Criminologist (Narrator) (an expert)   Charles Gray       The Transylvanians:         Perry Bedden            Fran Fullenwider         Christopher Biggins     Lindsay Ingram         Gayle Brown             Penny Ledger         Ishaq Bux               Annabelle Leventon         Stephen Calcutt         Anthony Milner         Hugh Cecil              Pamela Obermeyer         Imogen Claire           Tony Then         Rufus Collins           Kimi Wong         Sadie Corre             Henry Woolf       Props:         Rice         Bouquet         Rings         Newspaper  (preferred: Plain Dealer)         Water  (squirt gun, or whatever)         Matches (failing which, another source of light)         Doughnut / Bagel         Rubber Gloves         Noisemaker         Confetti  (torn newspapers work well)        Toilet Paper  (preferred: Scott brand)        Paper Airplanes         Toast         Party Hat         Bell         Cards                                   Credits                             (other than actors)  Original Musical Play and Lyrics by  Richard O'Brien { "Dick number one!" }                           Screenplay  Jim Sharman                                      Richard O'Brien { "Dick number two!" }   Musical Direction and Arrangements  Richard Hartley { "Dick number three!" }              Director of Photography  Peter Suschitzley { "What did they do?" }                Film and Music Editor  Graeme Clifford{"They creamed Clifford!"}                               Design  Brian Thomson              Original Costume Design  Sue Blane { "Hey look, Sue's to blame" }                     Incidental Music  Richard Hartley                        Dances Staged  David Toguri                      Sound Recordist  Ron Barrow                      Music Recording  Kieth Grant                        Dubbing Mixer  Bill Rowe                       Dubbing Editor  Ian Fuller                     Assistant Editor  Rodney Glenn                      Camera Operator  Denis Lewiston                         Camera Focus  Mike Roberts                         Art Director  Terry Ackland-Snow                 Construction Manager  Dick Frift                          Set Dresser  Ian Hitlaker                              Make Up  Peter Ross-KingBased on original make up designed by  Pierre La Roche                          Hairdresser  Ramon Gow                             Wardrobe  Richard Pointing { "What's Richard                                                        pointing at?" }                                       Gillian Doos                   Production Manager  John Comford              First Assitant Director  Mike Gowans                           Continuety  Sue Merry                  Casting Consultants  Celestia Fox UK { "If Celestia's such a                                         fox, why is there UK after her name?" }                                       Otto and Windsor USA                Production Accountant  Ron                      Special Effects  Wally Veevers { "Hey Wally... Where's                                                     the Veev?" }                                       Colin Chilvers                   Associate Producer  John Goldstone                   Executive Producer  Lou Adler                          Produced by  Michael White                          Directed by  Jim Sharman{"Don't squeeze the Sharman!"}  General Information:                        Audience instructions are in braces. Text in quotes is to be        shouted. The instruction 'echo' means that the following line        is to be shouted in unison with the film.                This script uses a more complex method of denoting audience        comments, since in this one script there are lines from many        theaters. There are times when more than one line could be        used. In these cases, the separate comments are denoted by        "a)", "b)", etc.                Whenever Brad appears, or in introduced in some way, the line        "Asshole!" is appropriate. When Janet is introduced or appears,        the line "Slut!" is appropriate. Whenever the Narrator (Charles        Gray) appears, have "chin sex" (Someone goes up to the screen        and jumps up under it with a hand up). Dr. Scott may be booed,        but it's also appropriate to yell "Kiss Ass!"          Notes to the reader:                If you see any lines that are missing that you would like        added, then just send mail to me ( or call me        at +1-216-381-6550 or +1-216-381-5114 and they will be added to        the next version of the script. If you post comments on        alt.cult-movies.rocky-horror, then they might find their way        into this script. This is archived at          Editor's notes:          These lines are not the only lines that are said, or are        possible. This is not an authoritative work. It is more fun to        go to the movie and learn the lines from the people, perhaps        using this as a reference. The lines here might not be used at        your theater, and some of the props might not be allowed (If        something is not allowed, DON'T try to bring it into the        theater, it is a good way of spoiling the movie for everyone!!)        Make up your own lines too! The most important thing about the        movie is to have fun! That's what it's all about!                I don't want this script to be used as something to memorize        from, but rather as a means of getting lines to all of the        world quicker and helping your timing of lines.                I would like to thank everyone at my theater for yelling        things, all the people on alt.cult-movies.rocky-horror that        posted lines and a few of my friends for proofing this script.        I would also like to thank Chris Ross ( and        Adam Fox ( for making a script with a        picture of the lips on the cover (which required a lot of        scrubbing to get Windows not to barf). I would also like to        thank everyone else that I'm forgetting. Now... Let there be        lips!                If you're ever near the Cedar-Lee theater in Cleveland Heights,        Ohio then drop by and see me. (Sat @ Midnight)                          -GB! (        { "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, God said: 'Let        there be lips,' and there were. And they were good." }                                                                 Science Fiction/Double FeatureUsherette (lips)   Michael Rennie was ill                The Day the Earth Stood Still                But he told us where we stand. { "On our feet" while                   standing }                And Flash Gordon was there                In silver { echo "cum-stained" } underwear, { "It was                   gold!" }                Claude Rains was the Invisible Man. { "outa sight!" }                Then something went wrong                For Fay Wray and { echo "fucked" } King Kong;                They got caught in a celluloid { echo "sexual" } jam. {                   "69" }                Then at a deadly pace                It came from... Outer Space. { echo "It sat on where...                   Janet's Face" }                And this is how the message ran:                { "Freeze!" }        Chorus  Science fiction, double feature                Doctor X { "Sex Sex Sex Sex" } will build a creature.                See androids fighting { "and fucking and sucking on" }                Brad and Janet                Anne Francis stars in { "Deep Throat and" }                Forbidden Planet                Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh                At the late night, double feature, { echo over double                   feature "Fuck your teacher" } picture show.Usherette (lips)   I knew Leo G. Carrol                Was over { echo "fucking" } a barrel                When Tarantula took to the hills. { echo "took LSD" } {                   "Lick it, Bitch!" }                And I really got hot { "and bothered" }                When I saw Jeanette Scott { echo "When I saw Janet's twat"                   }                Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills. { echo "Fight                   a penis that spits semen and kills" }                Dana Andrews said Prunes                Gave him the runes { echo "Gave him the shits" }                And passing them used lots of skills { "Yay skills!" }                But When Worlds Collide, { clap hands, "BOOM!" }                "I'm gonna give you some terrible thrills," { echo "sexual                   thrills" or echo "I'm gonna give you some fucks and                   some thrills" }                Like a...                { "Sex-ray" }        Chorus  Science fiction, double feature                Doctor X { "Sex Sex Sex Sex" } will build a creature.                See androids fighting { "and fucking and sucking on" }                Brad and Janet { "Brian Thompson" (his name is on the                   screen at the time) }                Anne Francis stars in { "Deep Throat and" }                Forbidden Planet                Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh                At the late night, double feature, { echo "Fuck your                   teacher" } picture show.                                I wanna go { "I want to cum" }                Oh Oh Oh                To the late night, double feature, { "Rocky Horror" }                   picture show.                By RKO, { "Really Kinky Orgasms" }                Oh Oh Oh                To the late night, double feature { "Rocky Horror" }                   picture show.                { "Where's the best place to fuck?!" } In the back row,                { front row: "Fuck the back row!" while flipping them off}                { back row: "Fuck the front row" }                { "Fuck all the rows!" }                Oh Oh Oh                To the late night, double feature, { echo "Fuck your                   teacher" } picture show.                                (lips fade into a picture of a cross) { "Crucify! Crucify!                   Crucify!..." }                                { Push the steeple of the church up, "Ring the bell!"                "Knock on the door!" }     Dentonian  Here they come! (Dentonians cheer and throw rice) { throw                RICE }  Photographer  Let's get a picture. Close together now. The folks and then                the grandparents. Just of the close family. Ahhh, hold                that. Beautiful. And... (snap)                { (evil laugh) "Now I've got your souls!" }     Dentonian  Congratulations. { "Thank you" in a voice like the                dentonian }         Ralph  I guest we finally did it, huh.                                { "Hit him!... Hit him back!" }          Brad  I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and Betty                have been almost inseparable since you met in Dr. Scott's                Refresher class.         Ralph  Well to tell you the truth, Brad, That's the only reason I                showed up in the first place. (chuckles)         Betty  O.K. you guys, this is it. (everyone screams)         Ralph  Well Betty's going to throw the bouquet. { throw BOUQUET }                                { "Do you have syph?" }         Janet  I got it! I got it!         Ralph  Hey big fella { "How would you know?" }, looks like it                could be your turn next, eh?          Brad  Who knows.                { "Hit the car twice if you're an asshole!" }                (Brad hits the car twice)                                { "Be just and fear not... Be stoned and fear nothing...                except old people..." (this has to be timed right, say                "old people" when it shows the old people) }         Janet  Oh Brad, wasn't it wonderful? { "No!" }                Wasn't Betty radiantly beautiful? { "No!" }                I can't believe it. An hour ago she was just plain old                Betty Monroe, and now... { "now she's a slut" }                now she's Mrs. Ralph Hapshatt. { "Hap-SHIT will travel" }                                { "Hey Brad, did you fuck Ralph?" }          Brad  Yes Janet, Ralph is a lucky guy. { "No he's not, she's got                syph" }         Janet  Yes.     Dentonian  I always cry at weddings.                                { "Show me an angel masturbating thank you." }          Brad  Everyone knows that Betty is a wonderful little cook.         Janet  Yes.          Brad  Why Ralph himself, he'll be up for a promotion in a year or                two. { "If he doesn't get busted first" }         Janet  Yes.                                                                          Dammit Janet          Brad  Hey Janet. { "Sit on my face and wiggle" "Why? Is you nose                   longer than your dick?" }         Janet  Yes Brad?          Brad  I really love the { "Starts win an S...Sku...Sku...Sku..."                   }                skillful way... { "what a fucking genius" }                you beat the other girls... { "with whips and chains?" }                to the bride's bouquet.  { "that too..." }         Janet  Oh Brad. { "Eat your veggies, bitch!" }                                { audience echoes 'Janet's, 'Oh Brad's, 'Dammit Janet's }          Brad  The river was deep but I swam it (Chorus: Janet)                The future is ours so let's plan it. (Janet)                So please don't tell me to can it. (Janet)                I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet I love you.                                The road was long but I ran it (Janet) { echo "backwards"                   }                There's a fire in my heart and you fan it (Janet)                If there's one fool for you then I am it. (Janet)                I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet I love you.                                Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker. { echo "...that                   I play poker." }                There's three ways that love can grow { "sex, drugs and                   rock and roll" }                That's good, bad, or mediocre. { echo "That's straight,                   gay, or bi-sexual!" }                { "How do you spell slut?" } Oh J-A-N-E-T I love you so.                { "Don't drop it!" }                                { "How was your orgasm?" }         Janet  Oh, it's nicer than Betty Monroe had. (Oh Brad) { "Turn the                   flowers" }                Now we're engaged and I'm so glad (Oh Brad)                That you met Mom and you know Dad. (Oh Brad)                   {echo "That you fuck Mom and you blow Dad." }                I've one thing to say and that's Brad, I'm mad, for you                   too.                   { echo "For a screw" over "for you too" }                Oh Brad...                                { "Sluts strut" "assholes shuffle" }          Brad  Oh... dammit. { echo "Oh... shit }         Janet  I'm mad...  { echo "I'm pregnant" }          Brad  Oh... Janet. { echo "Oh... shit" }         Janet  ...for you.          Brad  I love you too. { echo "I love to screw-ew-ew-ew." }  Brad & Janet  There's one thing left to do - ah - oo. { echo "ah-choo" }          Brad  And that's go see the man who began it.  { echo "And that's                   go pick my nose and then fling it" (it goes good with                   what is on the screen) }(Janet) { "He's in the box!" }                When we met in his science exam-it (Janet) { "What the                   fuck is an examit?" }                Made me give you the eye and then panic (Janet)                   { echo "Made me piss in my pants and then panic" }                Now I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet, I love                   you.                Dammit, Janet.         Janet  Oh Brad, I'm mad. { echo "you fag" over "I'm mad" }          Brad  Dammit, Janet.  Brad & Janet  I love you. { echo "I love screw" }                                { at the picture of the cross "Symbolism" }                                { "the man in the next scene has NO FUCKING NECK" }      Narrator  I would like, { "you would, would you?" }                ah, if I may, { "You may not!" } take you on a                strange journey { "How strange?   So strange they made a                movie about it!" }                (goes for black book) { "Not the book, the MOVIE" }                (opens book) { "And this pervert took pictures, and your                in 'em!" }                It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Brad Majors {                "Asshole! and a statement to prove it!" }, and his fiancee                Janet Weiss { "Slut! and a statement to prove it" }, two                young, normal, healthy kids, left Denton that late                November evening, to visit a Dr. Everett Scott {echo                "snotssssss" }, ex-tutor, now friend to both of them. {                "Is it true that you fuck dead chickens?" } It's true                there were dark storm clouds. { "Describe your balls" }                Heavy, black, and pendulous, toward which they were                driving. { "Is it true also that you molest little                children?" } It's true, also, that the spare tire they                were carrying was badly in need of some air, { "Like your                neck" } but, uh, they being normal kids, on a night out...                well, they weren't going to let a storm spoil the rest of                their evening, were they? On a night out... { "What kind                of night?" } It was a night out they were going to                remember... { "How long?" } for a very long time.                                (Richard Nixon speech on the radio)         Nixon  I have never been a quitter... To leave office before my                term is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my                body. But as President I must put the interests of America                first. America needs a full time president... and a full                time congress...                                { All sorts of nifty stuff is done here... for example,                raise arms and sway to the windshield-wipers and sing                kumbayah (sp!).  Another neat one is for one person                (usually associated with the cast in some way) to imitate                the wipers on misc. drugs... }         Janet  Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's passes us.  { "No                it's the first, bitch!" } They sure do take their lives in                their hands, what with the weather and all.          Brad  Yes, life's pretty cheap to that type. { "So is Janet!" }         Janet  Oh. ...What's the matter, Brad darling?  { "I got cum on                the windshield" }          Brad  We must have taken the wrong fork a few miles back.         Janet  Oh, but where did those motorcycles come from? { "do-do-do-                do..." etc. to twilight zone theme }          Brad  Hmmm... well I guess we'll just have to turn back. { "No,                don't turn back!" }                (Boom!)         Janet  Oh! What was that bang? { "a gang bang!" }          Brad  We must have a blowout. DAMMIT! I knew I should have gotten                that spare tire fixed. { "Asshole!" } Well, you just stay                here and keep warm and I'll go for help.         Janet  But where will you go in the middle of nowhere?                                { "What's white and tastes like shit?" or "Try the castle!"                }          Brad  ...Didn't we pass a castle back down the road a few miles?                { Cheers! } Maybe they have a telephone we could use. {                "Castles don't have phones, asshole!" repeat whenever                appropriate }         Janet  I'm going with you.          Brad  Oh, no, darling, there's no sense in both of us getting                wet. { "She's already wet!" }         Janet  I'm coming with you! Besides darling, the owner of that                phone might be a beautiful woman { "He is!" } and you                might never come back. { "You should be so lucky!" }          Brad  Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey.                {"Brad, kick the tire if you're an asshole!"}                (they get out of the car, Brad kicks the tire) {                NEWSPAPERS over heads, start with the SQUIRT GUN }                                { at the sign: "If you don't risk it we won't have a movie"                or "Risk it, risk it!", etc... }                                                                                 Over At The Frankenstein Place         Janet  In the velvet darkness,                Of the blackest night,                Burning bright, { "What's up your ass?" } there's a                   guiding star.  { echo "there's a brand new car" } {                   "That must hurt!"}                No matter what or who you are.  Brad & Janet  There's a light... { light MATCHES on 'light' }        Chorus  Over at the Frankenstein place.  Brad & Janet  There's a light...                                { "Where's Santa Claus?!" }        Chorus  Burning in the fireplace.                                { MATCHES out on 'darkness' - "Darkness, you virgins!" if                any lights still on }  Brad & Janet  There's a light, light in the darkness of everybody's life.                                  (The following section exists in the stage performance)            Brad  I can see the flag fly                  I can see the rain                  Just the same, there has got to be                  Something better here for you and me.    Brad & Janet  There's a light...          Chorus  Over at the Frankenstein place.    Brad & Janet  There's a light...          Chorus  Burning in the fireplace.    Brad & Janet  There's a light, light in the darkness of everybody's                     life.                                { "Sing to use, oh hairless one!" }     Riff Raff  The darkness must go down the river of night's dreaming.                Flow morphia slow, let the sun and light come streaming                { "It's the amazing shrinking Riff Raff" } Into my life.                   Into my life... { "Watch out for the quicksand" or "The                   incredible shrinking Riff Raff" } { Sometime during the                   scene "E.T. on my shoulder makes me happy" }  Brad & Janet  There's a light... { MATCHES again }        Chorus  Over at the Frankenstein place.  Brad & Janet  There's a light...        Chorus  Burning in the fireplace.                There's a light, a light  Brad & Janet the darkness of everybody's life { off on 'darkness'                   }                                { "Betsy Ross used to sit at home and sew, and sew and                sew... }      Narrator  And so, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Brad and Janet                and that they had found the assistance that their plight                required. { "Are you sure?" } ...Or had they?                                { "Look!  It's Scooby-Doo on acid!" }         Janet  Brad, let's go back, I'm cold and frightened...          Brad  Just a moment Janet, they might have a phone.                { "Ding-dong asshole calling, avon couldn't make it." }                                { "Door-gasm!" as Riff opens the door }                                { "Say Jello in Spanish" or "What's satanic jello?" }     Riff Raff  Hello.                                { "Brad, how do you feel?" }          Brad  Hi! My name is Brad Majors, and this is my fiancee, Janet                Weiss. I wonder if you could help us. You see our car                broke down a few miles up the road... do you have a phone                we might use?     Riff Raff  { "Feel between Janets legs." } You're wet.                                { a) "Are you a slut?" }  { b) "Do you have your waterproof                vibrator with you?" }         Janet  Yes - { a) "How's the weather?" } { b)"Why?" } - it's                raining.                                { "Are you an asshole?" }          Brad  Yes.                                { "Riff, are you high?" }     Riff Raff  Yes...                { "God, are you gay?" ...lightning strikes, illuminating                motorcycles. "You weren't supposed to see that!" }                I think that perhaps you both better { "Fuck off" } come                inside. { "I don't care where you cum, as long as you                clean it up." }                         Janet  You're too kind.                { "Brad beat off your jacket! Janet, get that condom out of                your hair!" }                { "Can  you see the  domestic in this picture?" "No there's                a slut in the way!" }                Oh Brad, I'm frightened. What kind of place is this?          Brad  Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich                weirdoes. { "Yay rich weirdoes" }         Janet  Oh. (forlornly)                                { "Riff, how do you finger-fuck your sister?" }     Riff Raff  This way.                { "Follow the bouncing thumb" }         Janet  Are you having a party? { "No, it's my sister's bat                mitzvah" }     Riff Raff  You've arrived on a very special night. It's one of the                master's affairs. { "Which one?" }                                { echo the next line }       Magenta  You're lucky, He's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky! ha ha                ha ha ha                { echo "The banister's lucky!" over "we're all lucky" }                { "No it's not, she's got wood-worms!" }                                (clock chimes seven times)  (note: the clock reads 6                o'clock)                                                                          The Time Warp                                { "What do you think of my penis?" }     Riff Raff  It's astounding;                Time is fleeting; { "What's you favorite rock group?" }                Madness { "they suck!" } takes it's toll. { "so does New                   Jersey" }                But listen closely...                                { "For how long?" }       Magenta  Not for very much longer.                                { "How many ball's you got?" }     Riff Raff  I've got to keep control. { echo "Smoke a bowl!" }                I remember doing the time-warp. { "Kick Kick" }                Drinking { "Jack Daniel's" } those moments when                The darkness would hit meRiff & Magenta  And a void would be calling...Transylvanians  Let's do the time-warp again.                Let's do the time-warp again.                                { Here are the instructions: Do it! }      Narrator  It's just a jump to the left.           All  And then a step to the right.      Narrator  With you're hands on you hips. { echo "tits, or somebody                   else's" }           All  You bring your knees in tight.                But it's the pelvic thrust { "oooo ahhh" or "group sex"                   with each thrust }                That really drives you insane.                                Let's do the time-warp again.                Let's do the time-warp again.       Magenta  It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.                So you can't see me, { "do you douche?" } no, not at all.                In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention,                { "Where's your tits?" } Well secluded, I see all.     Riff Raff  With a bit of a mind flip { echo "Fuck" over flip }       Magenta  You're into the time slip. { "Fuck that bird!" }     Riff Raff  And nothing can ever be the same. { argue about the                   doughnut being a bagel or the other way around }       Magenta  You're spaced out on sensation.     Riff Raff  Like you're under sedation.           All  Let's do the time-warp again.                Let's do the time-warp again.      Columbia  Well I was walking down the street just having a think                When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.                He shook me up, he took me by surprise                He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.                He stared at me and I felt a change.                Time meant nothing, never would again.      Narrator  It's just a jump to the left.           All  And then a step to the right.      Narrator  With you're hands on you hips. { echo "tits, or somebody                   else's" }           All  You bring your knees in tight.                But it's the pelvic thrust { "oooo ahhh" or "group sex"                   with each thrust }                That really drives you insane.                                Let's do the time-warp again.                Let's do the time-warp again.                                (Columbia tap dances)                {                     2, 4, 6, 8 Show us how you masturbate                     3, 5, 7, 9 We know you do it all the time                     1, 2, 3, 4 Dance you little fuckin' whore                }                {                     2, 4, 6, 8 Show us how you mastubate                     3, 5, 7, 9 We know you do it all the time                     10, 20, 30, 40 now we know you're really horny                     4, 6, 8, 10 Clean it up and start again                }                {                     2, 4, 6, 8 Show us how you mastubate                     3, 5, 7, 9 We know you do it all the time                     4, 6, 8, 10 Do it for us once again                     5, 7, 9, 11 Suck my dick and go to heaven                     6, 8, 10, 12 She's so hot she'll blow a valve                }                                { after any of these "4, 6, 8, 10" and the movie finishes                it }                { "Don't fall... Don't fall... Awww!" }           All  Let's do the time-warp again.                Let's do the time-warp again.      Narrator  It's just a jump to the left.           All  And then a step to the right.      Narrator  With you're hands on you hips. { echo "tits, or somebody                   else's" }           All  You bring your knees in tight.                But it's the pelvic thrust { "oooo ahhh" or "group sex"                   with each thrust }                That really drives you insane.                                Let's do the time-warp again.                Let's do the time-warp again.                                { collapse out of exhaustion! }         Janet  Brad, say something. (whispered)          Brad  Say, do any of you guys know how to Madison?         Janet  Brad, please, let's get out of here.          Brad  For God's sake keep a grip on yourself.                                (music cue softly at first, crescendo up)                { stomp in time to Frank, or "Heel, Toe,..." }         Janet  But it... it seems so unhealthy here.          Brad  It's just a party, Janet.         Janet  Well -- I want to go.          Brad  Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.         Janet  Well then ask the butler or someone.          Brad  Just a moment, Janet -- we don't want to interfere with                their celebration.         Janet  This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad.          Brad  They're probably foreigners with ways different than our                own. They may do some more folk dancing.         Janet  Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared          Brad  I'm here -- there's nothing to worry about.                                (Janet screams and faints)                                                                       Sweet Transvestite         Frank  How do you do, I                See you've met my                Faithful handyman.  { echo "hand-job man" }                                He's just a little brought down                Because when you knocked { "He rang." }                He thought you were the candyman.                                Don't get strung out { "on drugs" or "like a tampon" } by                   the way I look.                Don't judge a book be its cover.                I'm not much of a man by the light of day { "No shit!" }                But by night I'm one hell of a lover. { echo "But by night                   I'm one sick mother-fucker!" }                                I'm a just a sweet transvestite                From Transsexual, Transylvania. { echo "From San                   Francisco, California." }                                Let me show you around                Maybe play you a sound.                You look like you're both pretty groovy. { "Bull shit!" }                Or if you want something visual { "Like a movie?" }                That's not too abysmal, { "Like a movie?" }                We could take in an old Steve Reeves Movie { "Who the fuck                   is Steve Reeves?" }          Brad  I'm glad we caught you at home,                Could we use your phone?                We're both in a bit of a hurry.         Janet  { "Left" } Right. { "Left" }          Brad  We'll just say where we are,                Then go back to the car. { echo "Then go fuck in the car"                   }                We don't want to be any worry { echo "I want to fuck Tim                   Curry" }         Frank  Well you got caught with a flat, well, { echo } how 'bout                   that?                Well, babies, don't you panic.                By the light of the night it'll all seem all right.                I'll get you a satanic mechanic. { "S&M" }                                I'm just a sweet transvestite { "Boom-chicka-boom-chicka-                   boom" }                From Transsexual, Transylvania.                                Why don't you stay for the night?     Riff Raff  { echo } Night.         Frank  Or maybe a bite?      Columbia  { echo } Bite. { "Bite not lick bitch!" }         Frank  I could show you my favorite obsession. { "Sex!" }                I've been making a man { "Not him!", or "You call that a                   man?" }                With blond hair and a tan { "You call that a tan?" }                And he's good for relieving my { "sexual" }... tension.                                I'm just a sweet transvestite { "Check him out..." }                From Transsexual, Transylvania.                { echo }  HIT IT, HIT IT!                I'm just a sweet transvestiteColumbia, Riff Raff, Magenta Sweet transvestite         Frank  From Transsexual,Frank, Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta    Transylvania.         Frank  So { "What?" }, Come up to the lab, { "I can't cum that                   far" }                And see what's on the slab. { echo "And fuck me on the                   slab" }                I see you shiver with antici - (Three seconds) { "SAY IT!"                   } - pation.                But maybe the rain                Isn't really to blame. { "No Sue's to blame (Blane)!" }                So I'll remove the cause { echo "your clothes" }...                   (Chuckles) { "What about the nasty little symptom?" }                But not the symptom.                                (applause)    (Brad and Janet are given towels)         Janet  Thank you. { "Janet's on rag..." }          Brad  Thank you very much. { "So's Brad" }                                (Columbia and Riff Raff start to undress Brad and Janet)                                { "What do you say when Brad tries to fuck you?" }         Janet  Oh!  Brad!          Brad  It's all right Janet. We'll play along for now and pull out                the aces when the time is right. { "You call those aces?"                }      Columbia  Slowly, slowly! It's too nice a job to rush. { "Yay Rush" }          Brad  Hi, my name is Brad Majors, and this is my fiancee, Janet                Weiss; { "Spell urinate" or "urethra" etc...} You are...      Columbia  You're very lucky to be invited to Frank's laboratory. Some                people would give their right arm for the privilege. { "or                their left tit" }          Brad  People like you maybe?      Columbia  Ha! I've seen it.                                { "Grab something useful, Brad - like a shoe!" }                (Riff Raff pours wine into a glass, takes a swig from the                bottle, and lets it drop after Columbia says "Shift it!")     Riff Raff  Come along - the master doesn't like to be kept waiting.                                { "What do you with an uncomfortable cock?" }       Magenta  Shift it.                                (Janet screeches - the elevator goes up)         Janet  Is he - Frank, I mean - your husband?     Riff Raff  The master is not yet married, nor do I expect he ever                shall be. We are simply his { "slaves" } servants. { "same                thing" }         Janet  Oh.                                { "Invisible men first, Sluts second... Assholes third...                Servants, Groupies, and Dykes to the rear" }                                { "What's your favorite color?" }         Frank  Magenta, { "Where do you get your drugs?" } Columbia, go                assist Riff Raff { echo "woof-woof" }. I will entertain...                uh huh huh... (chuckle) { "The cameraman" }          Brad  Brad Majors. And this is my fiancee, Janet "Vice". { "Slut"                }         Janet  Weiss.          Brad  Weiss? um         Frank  { "Say something in French" } Enchante.                                (Janet giggles)                                { "What does that mean?" }         Frank  Well! How nice. { "That's not what it means" } And what                charming underclothes you both have. { "That's what it                means" } But here. Put there (smocks) on. They'll make you                feel less { "Naked" } vulnerable { "Same thing" }. It's                not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer                them... hospitality { echo "Horse-brutality" }                                { "Get tough, Brad!" }          Brad  Hospitality?! All we asked was to use your telephone,                Goddammit, a reasonable request which you've chosen to                ignore.         Janet  Brad, don't be ungrateful.          Brad  Ungrateful! { When Brad removes his glasses: "It's super-                asshole!" "No, It's John Denver playing Brad Majors in the                Rocky Horror Picture Show" }         Frank  How forceful you are, Brad. Such a perfect specimen of                manhood. So... dominant (crowd has a flurry of laughs). {                "If he's so dominant, why does she need glasses?" } You                must be awfully proud of him, Janet.                                { "Are you a slut?" }         Janet  Well, yes I am. (giggles)         Frank  Do you have a tattoos, Brad?  { "How do you tattoo an                asshole?" "Whit a really small needle" }          Brad  Certainly not!         Frank  Oh well, how about you? (to Janet)         Janet  No. (giggling) { "Show him the battleship on your chest!" }     Riff Raff  Everything is in readiness, master. We merely await your                (pause) { "Orgasm" } word.                                { "When's the orgy and who's invited?" }         Frank  Tonight, my unconventional conventionists... you are to                witness a new breakthrough in biochemical research... and                paradise is to be mine... It was strange the way it                happened... suddenly you get a break... whole pieces start                to fit into place, not a sign of being... { "suck on me" }                what a fool! { "fool with me" } The answer was there all                the time, { "What was the question?" } it took a small                accident to make it happen... { "What did your parents                call you?" or "What's in your pants?" } AN ACCIDENT!Magenta & Columbia   An accident!         Frank  And that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive                ingredient, { "Who gives the best head on the Enterprise?"                } that spark that is the breath of life... Yes, { "Do you                know about gay sex and bondage?" } I have that                knowledge... { "What deodorant do you use that's strong                enough for a man but made for a woman?" } I hold the                secret... { "To life?" } to life... { "Itself?" } itself!                                { "F" } You see... { "K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E  Fucky mouse, Dildo                duck... } you are fortunate for tonight is the night that                my beautiful creature is destined to be born! { echo                "fucked!" }                                Up now! Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator...                { "What were the last words at Chernobyl?" } and step up                the reactor power three more points! { echo "THREE MORE                TRIANGLES!" }         Janet  Oh brad!          Brad  It's all right Janet.                                (colorful fluids, etc. in the order Red, Orange, Yello,                Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet) { "Red hearts, Orange stars,                Yello moons, Green Clovers, Blue diamonds, more blue                diamonds, Purple horseshoes" }                                { "Is it soup yet?" "It's not soup 'till the microwave                explodes" "Soup's on" }                (Rocky emits some guttural garbage)         Frank  Oh! Rocky!                                                                                      The Sword of Damocles         Rocky  The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head,                And I've got the feeling that someone's gonna be cutting                   the thread.                Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery.                Oh, can't you see, that I'm at the start of a pretty big                   downer. { echo "...that I've got the start of a pretty                   big boner" }                                I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of                   bed.           All  That ain't no crime.         Rocky  And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnamable dread.           All  That ain't no crime.         Rocky  My high is low, I'm dressed up with no place to go.                And all I know is I'm at the start of a pretty big downer.           All  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.         Rocky  Oh ho no no           All  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.         Rocky  Oh ho no no           All  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.         Rocky  Oh ho no no                                The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.           All  That ain't no crime.         Rocky  And I've got the feeling that someone's gonna be cutting                   the thread.           All  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.         Rocky  Oh no no no           All  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.         Rocky  Oh no no no           All  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.         Rocky  Oh no no no                     (repeat until end -- Sha-la-la)           All  Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't                   no crime,                Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't                   no crime,                Sha-la-la.         Frank  Well really. That's no way to behave on your first day out.         Rocky  Ugh Ugh  (forlornly like a puppy dog)         Frank  But since you're such an exceptional beauty, I am prepared                to forgive you.                                { "If you're horny and you know it beat your bars, if                you're horny and you know it and you really want to show                it, if you're horny and you know it beat your bars" }         Rocky  Ugh Ugh  (applause) (Rocky bangs his bars)         Frank  Oh, I just love success.     Riff Raff  He's a credit to your genius, master.         Frank  Yes.       Magenta  A triumph of your will.         Frank  Yes.      Columbia  He's O.K.         Frank  O.K. (hits tank) { "Get your tits off my tank!" }                O.K.! { "What do you think of Bill Clinton?" } I think we                can do better than that. Humph!                Well, Brad and Janet, what do you think of him?                                { "Lie bitch" }         Janet  Well, I don't like a man with too many muscles. { "Just one                big one" }         Frank  I didn't make him... for you! { "She gets him anyway" } He                carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval.                                                                                      I Can Make You a Man                                { "Describe Brad}         Frank  A weakling weighing ninety-eight pounds { "Two Brads" }                Will get sand in his face                When kicked to the ground; { echo "balls" "Don't laugh                   Rocky, that would hurt" }         Rocky  Ugh... Ugh...         Frank  And soon in the gym with a determined chin,                The sweat from his pores as he works for his cause                Will make him glisten { "What's your favorite toothpaste?"                   } and gleam.                And with massage, and just a little bit of steam, {                   "Lower! Lower! Lower!" "Missed it, missed it, now you                   gotta kiss it!" "That's why he missed it!" }                He'll be pink and quite clean                He'll be a strong man.                { "What does cum taste like?" } Oh honey...           All  But the wrong man.         Frank  He'll eat nutritious { "cum" } high protein { "cum" }. And                   swallow raw eggs... { echo "cum" } { "It's the world's                   largest dildo!" }                Try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and...                   legs                Such an effort if he only knew of my plan.                In just seven days... { "and seven nights" }Frank & Transylvanians  I can make you a man. { echo "I can make you a                   fag, just like your dad" or to be really weird "I can                   make you eat Spam, out of a can" }         Frank  He'll do press-ups, and chin-ups, do the snatch, clean and                   jerk { "off" }. { "Hey look, Rocky found a hole in the                   floor" }                He thinks dynamic tension must be hard work.                Such strenuous living I just don't understand,                When in just seven days... { "and seven nights" }                I can make you a man.                                { "What the opposite of ooh-ah" }         Frank  Ah... ooh!                                { "Kool-aid man!" }      Columbia  EDDIE!                                                                                  Hot Patootie (Bless My Soul)         Eddie  Whatever happened to Saturday night, { "Sunday morning" }                When you dressed up sharp and you felt all right?                It don't seem the same since cosmic light                Came into my life, I thought I was divine.                I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go,                And listen to the music on the radio;                A saxophone was blowing on a rock 'n roll show.                You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time.                                Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n                   roll.                Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n                   roll.                Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n                   roll.                Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n                   roll.                                { When Eddie stomps: "Eat shit... And die" }                                My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled.                My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt.                I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt                And she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine.                Get back in front, put some hair oil on                Buddy Holly was singing his very last song.                With your arms around your girl you'd try to sing along.                It felt pretty good. Woo you really had a good time.                                Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n                   roll.                Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n                   roll.                Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n                   roll.                Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n                   roll.                   (for a total of twelve times)                { when the transylvanians appear on the screen "Step, step,                step, kick. Step, step, step, kick. Step, kick, step,                kick. Kick, kick, kick kick." }                                (Frank attacks Eddie with an alpinist's pick)                                { "That's no way to pick your friends." }                                { "What's the score between you and the vault and say it                sweetly" }         Frank  One from the vaults. (chuckles)                                { "Give those (rubber gloves) to Magenta; she knows what to                do with used rubbers -- turn them inside out and use then                again." }         Rocky  Ugh...                                { "I'm upset!" }         Frank  Oh Baby... Don't be upset... It was a mercy killing... {                "Mercy, mercy, mercy." } he had a certain naive charm, {                "What did he lack?" } but no muscle (Rocky flexes a bicep)                ...Oh!                                                                                 I Can Make You a Man (Reprise)         Frank  But a deltoid and a bicep.                { "What did you have from breakfast?" } A hot groin and a                   tricep.                Makes me, oooh, shake, { echo "Boogie with a midget" }                Makes me want to Charles Atlas by the { "Balls" } ...ha-ha-                   hand.Frank & Transylvanians  In just seven days { "and seven nights" }                I can make you a man.                                { "Step, strut..." }         Frank  I don't want no distention,                Just dynamic tension.                                { "Sing it, bitch!" }         Janet  I'm a muscle fan.         Frank  In just seven days, { "and seven nights" }                I can make you a man.                Dig it if you can                In just seven days, { "and seven nights" }                I can make you a man.                                (Frank and Rocky's wedding march)Transylvanians  Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!                Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!                Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!                Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!                                { throw CONFETTI }                                { "I say that life is an illusion." }      Narrator  There are some who say that life is an illusion { "Like                your neck" }, and reality is but a figment of the                imagination. { "So's your fucking neck" } ...however, the                sudden departure of their host... { echo "your neck" } and                his creation... into the seclusion of his somber bridal                suite { echo "suite" } and left them feeling both                apprehensive and uneasy, a feeling which grew { "unlike                your neck" } as the other guests departed, and they were                shown to their separate rooms.                                (Janet and Brad are shown to their separate rooms by Riff                Raff and Magenta)                                (knock)                                { Clap hands on 'one.' "Rocky Horror sex scene, take one!"                or "Never worry Never fear, Frank the wonder fuck is                here!" }                { "Just like hamburger helper, just add the meat" }         Janet  Uhh! Who is it? Who's there?  Frank (Brad)  It's only me, Janet.         Janet  Oh, Brad darling, come in.                Oh! Brad, Oh Brad. Yes, my darling... but what if...                                { "Don't worry, I brought a rubber!" }  Frank (Brad)  It's all right, Janet, everything's going to be all right.                                { "Don't fuck with the hair!" }         Janet  Oh, I hope so, my darling.  Oh... Ah... ahh OHHH! Oh, it's                you!         Frank  I'm afraid so, Janet, but isn't it nice...         Janet  Oh, you beast, you monster... Oh what have you done with                Brad?                { "Nothing yet, he's saving the best for last" }         Frank  Oh, well, nothing. Why, do you thing I should?         Janet  You tricked... I wouldn't have... I've never... never... {                "What about the football team, boy scouts, and the girl                scouts, and the chearleading squad" etc... }         Frank  Yes, yes, I know, but it isn't all bad, is it? I think you                really found it quite pleasurable.         Janet  Oh, stop... I mean help... Brad Brad!... Oh Brad!!         Frank  Shhh. Brad's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see                you like... This! { "Assume the position" }         Janet  Like this like how?! Oh, it's your fault... you're to                blame... { "No, Sue's to blame, doesn't anybody read the                cradits?" } Oh... I was saving myself... { "For what? A                rainy day? Look outside bitch, it's pouring" }         Frank  Yes, but I'm sure your not spent yet...         Janet  Promise you won't tell Brad? { "Slut!" }         Frank  Cross my heart and hope to die... { "Stick a dildo in my                eye, shut your mouth and spread you thighs." }                                (assorted sexual noises)                                { When Magenta looks at Riff as he's leaving: "Look at my                brother, he's so fine..." }                                { "Rocky takes it up the ass, doo-dah, doo-dah... Servants                entrance in the rear, oh, doo-dah-day" }                                { "No, not the Liberace treatment!" }                { "I  know what you're thinking and it won't fit!" }                (Riff Raff scares Rocky with a candelabra, Rocky runs                away)                                { "Where's the bathroom?!" when Rocky goes down elevator                shaft }                { "Elbow sex... Elbow sex..." }                                { Claps hands on 'two.' "Rocky Horror sex scene, take two"                or "Never worry Never fear, Frank the wonder fuck is                here!" } Frank (Janet)  Oh, Brad darling, it's no good here. It'll destroy us.          Brad  Don't worry Janet, we'll be away from here in the morning. Frank (Janet)  Oh, Brad you're so strong and protective.          Brad  { "Don't fuck with the hair!" }                Ah, ah, ah, oh YOU!         Frank  I'm afraid so, Brad, but isn't it nice...          Brad  Why YOU! What have you done with Janet? { "Fucked the                shit out of her." }         Frank  Nothing. Why? Do you think I should?          Brad  You tricked me, I wouldn't have... never never... never...                { "What about the football team, boy scout pack 69, and                the girl scouts, and the chearleading squad" etc... }         Frank  Oh yes yes, I know... but it isn't all bad, is it? Not even                half bad, I think you really quite enjoyed it.                                (Brad starts moaning)         Frank  Oh... so soft...          Brad  Stop it... stop it... oh Janet... JANET!         Frank  Janet's probably asleep by now. Do you want her to see you                like THIS? { "assume the position" }          Brad  Like this, like how? It's your fault, you're to blame, I                thought it was the real thing!         Frank  Oh come on, Brad, admit it, you liked it, didn't you? It                isn't a crime to give yourself over the pleasure, Brad.                We've wasted so much time already... Janet needn't know, I                won't tell her...          Brad  Well, promise you won't tell...         Frank  On my mother's graoouuuuu { "Don't talk with your mouth                full!" }                                (Beep Beep Beep...)     Riff Raff  Master, Rocky has broken his chains and vanished. Your new                playmate is loose and somewhere on the castle { echo                "coffee" } grounds... Magenta has just released the                dogs... { echo "her sisters" } { Sometime in this scene                (sung) "E.T. on my shoulder makes me happy" }         Frank  Mmmm? Coming! { "So's Brad!" }         Janet  What's happening here? { "Switch!" } Where's Brad? {                "Switch" } Where's ANYbody?                                { as Rocky is running outside chased by dogs: "Where's the                bathroom?" or "Kibbles and bits, Kibbles and Bits, we're                gonna get os some Kibbles and Bits" or "Nipples and Tits,                Nipples and Tits, we're gonna get us some Nipples and                Tits" }                                Oh, Brad. Brad, my darling, how could I have done this to                you? { "It would have been easier without the pantyhose" }                Oh!                If only we hadn't made this journey... { echo "...this                movie" }                if only the car hadn't broken down... { echo "...the                plot hadn't broken down" }                if only we were amongst friends... Or sane persons,  {                echo "...or real actors" }                Oh Brad, Oh Brad, what have they done with him... (she                sees him on TV with Frank) Oh, Brad, Oh Brad -- How could                you?                                (Rocky emits moans and general cries of pain)                                { "Leave him alone, he's monsterbating" }         Janet  Oh, but you are hurt... Did they do this to you? { "No,                it's self inflicted" } I'll dress your wounds... baby                there... let me make it all better. { "I've got more hurt                than you've got skirt" }                                { "Hey Janet -- look three ways and smile if you want to                fuck." }      Narrator  Emotion, agitation or disturbance of the mind... Vehement                or excited mental state. It is also a power full and                irrational master... and from what Magenta and Columbia                eagerly viewed on the television monitor there seemed                little doubt that Janet was, indeed, ...its slave. { echo                "a nymphomaniac" }Magenta & Columbia   { echo }  Tell us about it, Janet.                                                                                Touch-a Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me         Janet  I was feeling done in, { "and out and in and out and in..."                   } couldn't win.                I'd only ever kissed before.      Columbia  You mean she...  { echo "You mean she's catholic?" }       Magenta  Uh huh.         Janet  I though there's no use getting { "laid" }                Into heavy petting. { "Same thing." }                In only leads to trouble                And seat wetting { Stand up, "Hey, this seat's wet!" }                Now all I want to know is how to go.                I've tasted blood { echo "cum" } and I want more.Magenta & Columbia { echo } { "less" } More, { "less" } more, { "less" }                   more. { "less" }         Janet  I'll put up no resistance                I want to stay the distance { echo "I want to fuck your                   piston" }                I've got an itch to scratch { echo "I've got an itchy                   snatch" }                I need assistance.                                  { alternate lyrics:                  Taco taco taco taco!                  I want a buritto.                  Sour-cream and guacamole.                  Nacho cheese and more.                                    or                                    Fuck-a fuck-a fuck-a fuck me!                  I want to be dirty.                  Eat me beat me mistreat me.                  Creature of the night.                  }                                Toucha toucha toucha touch me!                I want to be dirty.                Thrill me chill me fulfill me!                Creature of the night.                                Then if anything grows { "Suck it!" }, while you pose,                I'll oil you up and rub you down.Magenta & Columbia { echo } { "up" } Down, { "up" } down, { "up" } down. {                   "up" }         Janet  And that's just one small fraction of the main attraction {                   echo "of the main erection" }                You need a friendly hand and I need action.                                Toucha toucha toucha touch me!                I want to be dirty.                Thrill me chill me fulfill me!                Creature of the night.      Columbia  Toucha toucha toucha touch me!       Magenta  I want to be dirty.      Columbia  Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me!       Magenta  Creature of the night.         Janet  Toucha toucha toucha touch me!                I want to be dirty.                Thrill me chill me fulfill me!                Creature of the night.                                { After each one: "Switch!" }         Rocky  Creature of the night.          Brad  Creature of the night?         Frank  Creature of the night.       Magenta  Creature of the night.     Riff Raff  Creature of the night.      Columbia  Creature of the night. { Scream! }         Rocky  Creature of the night.         Janet  Creature of the night.     Riff Raff  Owwwwwwwww! { "Say thank you! ...say it in French!" }                Mercy! (Being whipped by Frank)         Frank  How did it happen? { "Beats me, but I have a hunch" } I                understand you were to be watching...     Riff Raff  I was only away for a minute... { "Doing what?" } master {                "bating" }         Frank  Well, see if you can find him on a { "How's your forehand?                Looks ok." } monitor. { "How's your backhand? Needs work."                }     Riff Raff  Master, master... we have a visitor.          Brad  Hey, Scotty! { "Beam me up, there's no intelligent life                down here" } ...Dr. Everett Scott.     Riff Raff  You know this earthling... this person?          Brad  Why yes. He happens to be an old friend of mine.         Frank  I see. So this wasn't simply a chance meeting. { "No, it                was a date" } You came here with a purpose. { echo "...on                a porpoise. It was a dolphin!" }          Brad  I told you, my car broke down. I was telling the truth. {                "Assholes don't lie, they just shit a little" }         Frank  I know what you told me, Brad... But this Dr. Everett                Scott, his name is not unknown to me.          Brad  He was a science teacher at Denton High School.         Frank  And now he works for your government, doesn't he, Brad?                He's attached to the bureau of investigation of that which                you call UFO's!!! Isn't that right, Brad?          Brad  He might be... I don't know.     Riff Raff  The intruder is entering the building, master.         Frank  He'll probably be... entering the Zen room. Shall we                inquire of him in person?                                { "Not the triple-contact fagot magnet!" }                (Pause)                                { When Dr. Scott passes through Columbia and Magenta's                room, "Ring around the lesbians" }          Brad  Great Scott! { throw TOILET PAPER or PAPER AIRPLANES}     Dr. Scott  Frankenfurter, { "Count Chocula" } we meet at last. { "No,                we meet at first." }          Brad  Dr. Scott! { "Put 'er there!" }     Dr. Scott  Brad! What are you doing here? { "Getting good head" }         Frank  Don't play games, Dr. Scott. You know perfectly well what                Brad Majors is doing here. It was part of your plan, was                it not? That he and his female { echo "she-male" } could                check the layout for you. Well, unfortunately for you all,                the plans are to be changed. { "Not heterosexual sex                again" } You must be adaptable, Dr. Scott; { "Is Brad                gay?" } I know Brad is.     Dr. Scott  I can assure you that Brad's presence here comes as a                complete surprise to me. I came here to find Eddie.          Brad  Eddie! I've seen him!         Frank  Eddie! What do you know of Eddie, Dr. Scott?                                { "Get snotty Scotty" }     Dr. Scott  I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. You                see, Eddie happens to be my nephew. { echo "sexlife" }                                (Frank gasps and releases the magnet. Dr. Scott rolls back                a couple feet)                (Janet orgasms)          Brad  Dr. Scott.         Janet  Ah!     Dr. Scott  Janet!         Janet  Dr. Scott!          Brad  Janet!         Janet  Brad!         Frank  Rocky!                                (Rocky flips his head toward Frank)                { "Bullwinkle!" or "Ugh!" }     Dr. Scott  Janet!         Janet  Dr. Scott!          Brad  Janet!         Janet  Brad!         Frank  Rocky!                                (Rocky looks at Frank with quickly lessening interest)                { "Bullwinkle!" or "Ugh!" }     Dr. Scott  Janet!         Janet  Dr. Scott!          Brad  Janet!         Janet  Brad!         Frank  Rocky!                                (Rocky once again gleams at Frank, getting very upset)                { "Bullwinkle!" or "Ugh!" }                                { "All present and accounted for, sir!" salute }         Frank  Listen... I made you... and I can break you just as easily.                (to Rocky)                                { "Say something southern?" }       Magenta  (Rings gong) Master, dinner is prepared!                                { "What do you think of oral sex?" }         Frank  Excellent. Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be                optional. { "To-ga, to-ga..." }      Narrator  Food has always played a vital role in Life's rituals. The                breaking of break, the last meal of the condemned man, and                now... this meal. However informal it might appear, you                can be sure that there was to be little bonhomie.                                { "Why does Dr. Scott have seven forks?" "He hasn't ate                yet" }                { "...If that's the Hostess, I would hate to see the                Twinkie!" "If that's the twinkie, I'd hate to see the                cream filling!" }                                (Riff Raff and Magenta wheel in a cart and place a large                piece of meat in front of Frank. He carves the meat and                Riff Raff serves it to the others. Riff Raff pours and                spills wine before this)                                { "The Black & Decker Pecker Wrecker... It slices, it                dices, it circumcises!" }         Frank  A toast { throw TOAST } absent friends...           All  To absent friends.         Frank  And to Rocky.                                (Frank starts a verse of staccato "Happy Birthday Rocky"                and cuts it off after "Dear Rocky." Janet continues until                she realizes she is the only one left singing.)                                Shall we?                                { "Why is Rocky drinking from a specimen glass?" "'Cause                he's a piss poor actor!" }                { "What kind of wine is it?  Oh table wine..." }                { "New from Wham-O, its Frisbee Meat!" }     Dr. Scott  We came here to discuss Eddie.      Columbia  Eddie! (Frank threatens her with the slicer)  { "Shut up                bitch or you'll be breakfast!" }         Frank  That's a rather tender subject. { "That's a rather                tasteless joke" } Another slice anyone?                                { "Janet gets it... Brad gets it... Dr. Scott gets it.                Rocky gets it, but he doesn't care." }                                { a) "Did any of you see my skateboard?" }      Columbia  Excuse me. (Exits room, closes door behind her, and                screams)                { a) "Oh, There it is!"  b) "What's the matter? You ate him                before -- you can eat him again!" "Yeah. but not with                ketchup" }     Dr. Scott  (to camera) I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but is was                worst than I imagined... Aliens! { "Who the fuck are you                talking to? ...Who the fuck are we talking to?" }         Rocky  Ugh?          Brad  Doctor Scott!         Frank  Go on, Dr. Scott. { "Or as they say in East Berlin" }Or                should I say Dr. Von Scott. { "Seig Heil!" }          Brad  Just what exactly are you implying?     Dr. Scott  It's all right!          Brad  Doctor Scott!     Dr. Scott  It's all right, Brad                                                                                              Eddie     Dr. Scott  From the day he was born { "Not the night, but the day" }                He was trouble. { "With a capital 'T'" }                He was the thorn { "Not the rose but the thorn" }                In his mother's side. { "Not the ass but the side" }                She tried in vain... { echo "cocaine in both the artery                   and the vain" }      Narrator  ...but he never caused her nothing but shame. { "shame,                   shame, shame" }     Dr. Scott  He left home the day she died.                From the she was gone { "Bop shebop bop" }                All he wanted { "was Dr. Scott's cock" }                Was Rock-n-Roll porn { "and Dr. Scott's cock" }                And a motorbike { "Woooooooo..." }                Shooting up junk... { "What was he?" }                                { "What the fuck was he Chuck?" }      Narrator  He was a low down cheap little punk! { "Fuck you!" }         Scott  Taking everyone for a ride.           All  When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy { echo "finger-                   fucked his teddy" }                You knew he was a no-good kid.                But when he threatened you life with a switch-blade knife                   { echo "with a dick this size" while showing how big                   with your hands }         Frank  What a guy! { echo "What a fag" }         Janet  Makes you cry. {echo "Makes you gag" }     Dr. Scott  Und I did.      Columbia  Everybody shoved him. { echo "Everybody sucked him." }                I very nearly loved him. { echo "I very nearly fucked                   him." }                I said, hey, listen to me; { echo "I said, hey listen                   screw me;" }                Stay sane inside insanity! { echo "Stay hard inside my                   pussy" }                But he locked the door and threw away the key.                   { echo "But he pulled it out and came all over me." }     Dr. Scott  But he must have been drawn                Into something, { "What the fuck is a zum-zing?" }                Making him warn { "Who?" }                Me in a note that reads...           All  { echo } What's it say? What's it say? Eddie's voice  I'm out of my hed. { "Spelled H-E-D" }                Oh, hurry, or I may be dead. { "Spelled right" }                They mustn't carry out their evil deed. (scream)           All  When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy                You knew he was a no-good kid.                But when he threatened you life with a switch-blade knife         Frank  What a guy!         Janet  Makes you cry.     Dr. Scott  Und I did.           All  When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy                You knew he was a no-good kid.                But when he threatened you life with a switch-blade knife                   { echo "...with a ball-point pen" }         Frank  What a guy!                                { "What does Santa say?" }           All  Oh-oh-oh...         Janet  Makes you cry.                                { "What does Fat Albert say?" }           All  Hey, hey, hey...     Dr. Scott  Und I did.                                { "What the fuck is an 'unt'?" "It's a three-fourths of a                cunt" "What happened to the other fourth?" "I ate it!" }                                (Frank pulls the tablecloth off of the table and the                slaughtered remains of Eddie are seen under the glass                surface)                                { "I told you, I hate celery!" }         Frank  Rocky! How could you? (slaps Janet)     Dr. Scott  (To Brad, who's guiding his wheelchair) This way, this way.                                (General mayhem as Frank chases Janet.  Riff Raff and                Magenta laugh, until Riff suddenly says "Shut Up!")     Riff Raff  { echo } Shut up!                                                                                         Planet Schmanet         Frank  I'll tell you once; I won't tell you twice.                You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss. { "Did you say rice?"                   throw RICE }                You apple pie don't taste too nice.                You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss. { "Did you say rice?"                   throw RICE }                                I've laid the seed; it should be all you need.                You're as sensual as a pencil; would up like an E or first                   string.                When we made it, did you hear a bell ring? { ring BELL }                                Ya gotta block? Well, take my advice.                You better wise up, Janet Weiss. { "Did you say rice?"                   throw RICE }                The transducer will seduce ya.         Janet  { echo } My feet! I can't move my feet!     Dr. Scott  { echo } My wheels! My God, I can't move my wheels!          Brad  It's as if we're glued to the spot! { echo "My socks! I                can't move my socks! }         Frank  You are! So quake with fear, you tiny fools!         Janet  We're trapped!         Frank  (sung) It's something you'll get used to. A mental mind                   fuck can be nice.     Dr. Scott  You won't find Earth people quite the easy mark you                imagine. This sonic transducer... it is I suppose, some                kind of audio-vibratory physio-molecular transport device?          Brad  { echo } You mean... { "A vibrator!" }     Dr. Scott  Yes, Brad, it's something we ourselves have been working on                for quite some time. { "a working vibrator" } But it seems                our friend here has found a means of perfecting it. { "a                perfect vibrator" } A device capable of breaking { "a                broken vibrator?" } down solid matter and then projecting                it through space and, who knows, perhaps even time itself.                { "Dr. Who's vibrator" }         Janet  You mean he's going to send us to another planet?         Frank  Planet, schmanet, Janet!                You better wise up, Janet Weiss. { "Did you say rice?"                   throw RICE }                You better wise up, build your thighs up,                You better wise up...      Narrator  And then she cried out...         Janet  Stop! { echo "More" }         Frank  Don't get hot and flustered! { "What do you do when you run                   out of KY jelly?" }                Use a bit of mustard.                                { throw HOTDOGS on "you're a hotdog!" (optional) }          Brad  You're a { echo "Stick a" } hot dog, { "up your" } but you                better not try to hurt her, { "Oscar Meyer" } Frank                Furter.                                (Magenta throws a switch on the wall labeled Medusa and                Brad turns to stone)     Dr. Scott  You're a { echo "Stick a" } hot dog, { "up your" } but you                better not try to hurt her, { "Oscar Meyer" } Frank                Furter.                                (Magenta throws a switch on the wall labeled Medusa and                Dr. Scott turns to stone)         Janet  You're a hot dog --                                { "Shut up. It wouldn't have rhymed anyway" }                (Magenta throws a switch on the wall labeled Medusa and                Janet turns to stone)      Columbia  My God! I can't stand any more of this! { "Then sit down" }                First you spurn { "Sperm?" } me for Eddie, and then you                throw him off like an old overcoat for Rocky! You chew                people up and then you spit them out again... I loved                you...d'ya hear me! I loved you And what did it get me? {                "A hole in your shirt!" } Yeah, I'll tell you -- a big                nothing. { "at least it was big!" } You're like a sponge.                You take, take, take, and drain others of their love and                emotion. Yeah, well, I've had enough! { "Peek-a-boo" }                You're gonna choose between me and Rocky, so named because                of the rocks in his head.                                { "That Columbia what a bitch, quick Magenta throw the                switch!" }                                (Magenta throws a switch on the wall labeled Medusa and                Columbia turns to stone)                                { "BLT: Bigger Left Tit" "Now we know which side Eddie                slept on" }         Frank  It's not easy having a good time...                                (Magenta throws a switch on the wall labeled Medusa and                Rocky turns to stone)                                { "What a great party, everyone's either plastered or                stoned" }                                Even smiling makes my face ache... { "then bite your                knuckle and talk to a big red door" }  and my children                turn on me... Rocky's behaving the just the way Eddie did.                { "Show us your only virgin orafice" } Do you think I made                a mistake, splitting his brain between the two on them?                                (Magenta walked over to where Frank is. Riff Raff follows)       Magenta  Ahhh! I grow weary of this world! When shall we return to                Transylvania, huh?                { "When you can speak the language" }                                { As Frank speaks the next line and Magenta's head starts                turning towards Riff "Going... going..." when she stops                moving her head "Gone!" }         Frank  Magenta, I am indeed grateful to both you and your brother                Riff Raff. You have both served me well. Loyalty such as                yours shall not go unrewarded. You will discover that when                the mood takes me, I can be quite generous.                                { "How much for a blow job?" }       Magenta  I ask for nothing... { "I'll take two!" } nothing.         Frank  And you shall receive it... in abundance!                { "Fe Fi Fo Fum, First I jack off then I" or "What's your                favorite high protein breakfast food?" }                Come, we are ready for the floor show.                                { "Look out for the finger; if you touch it, it's statutory                rape!" }                                { "Betsy Ross used to sit at home and sew, and sew, and                sew..." }      Narrator  And so, by some extraordinary coincidence, fate, it seemed,                had decided that Brad and Janet should keep that                appointment with their friend, Dr. Everett Scott. But it                was to be in a situation which none of them could have                possibly foreseen. And, just a few hours after announcing                their engagement, Brad and Janet had both tasted... {                "Frank's cock!" } forbidden fruit. { "same thing" } This                in itself was proof that their host was a man of little                morals... { "Yay little morals!" } and some persuasion. {                "Yay some persuasion!" } What further indignities were                they to be subjected to? And what of the floor show that                had been spoken of? { "Where do you masturbate?" } In an                empty house? { "When do you masturbate?" } In the middle                of the night? { "Rates are cheaper" } What diabolical plan                had seized Frank's crazed imagination? { echo "What                diabolical chicken walked on your forehead" } What indeed?                From what had gone before, it was clear that this was to                be... { "Can we have a picnic?" } no picnic. { "Aww... and                I brought the ants" (dejectedly) }                                                                                       Rose Tint My World                                A. Floor Show                                (Unfreeze - Columbia)      Columbia  It was great when it all began. { "Hip, hip" }                I was a regular Frankie fan.                But it was over when he had the plan                To start a-working on a muscle man.                Now the only thing that gives me hope { "is smoking dope"                   }                Is my love of a certain dope.                Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and                   pain.                                (Unfreeze - Rocky)         Rocky  I'm just seven hours old, { "and can't dance" }                And truly beautiful to behold.                And somebody should be told                My libido hasn't been controlled.                Now the only thing I've come to trust { "Is Janet's bust"                   }                Is an orgasmic rush of lust. { "Anal floss" }                Rose tint my world and keeps me safe from my trouble and                   pain.                                (Unfreeze - Brad)                                { "What's two plus two?" }          Brad  It's beyond me; { "What do you say when you masturbate?" }                Help me Mommy!                I'll be good; you'll see,                Take this dream away.                What's this? { "The floor!" } Let's see,                I feel sexy!                What's come over me? { "Frank!" }                Woo! He it comes again.                                (Unfreeze - Janet)         Janet  I feel released; { echo "real cheap" }                Bad times deceased.                My confidence has increased; reality is here                The game has been disbanded; my mind { echo "cunt" } has                   been expanded.                It's a gas that Frankie's landed! { "'X' marks the spot" }                His lust is so sincere. { "Kiss my ass" } (Janet kisses                   the air)                                B. Fanfare / Don't Dream It         Frank  Whatever happened to Fay Wray? { "She went ape-shit!" }                That delicate, satin-draped frame? { "Describe the                   abortion!" }                As it clung to her thigh { "What? The ape-shit or the                   abortion?" }                How I started to cry { "I'd cry too if I had abortion on                   my thigh!" }                'Cuase I wanted to dressed just the same.                                Give yourself over to absolute pleasure.                Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh.                Erotic nightmares, beyond any measure                And sensual daydreams to treasure forever.                Can't you just see it? Oh, oh, oh.                                (Frank jumps into pool, fog clears, and he is floating in                a life-ring labeled USS Titanic)                                { "Hey waiter, there's a fag in my soup.  Shhh...                everybody'll want one!" }                { "I told you Michaelangelo, the ceiling!" }                { "Why does God have his finger up Frank's ass?" }                { "That's why the Titanic sunk, fags will go down on                anything" }                { "I didn't know the Titanic was a fairy-boat" }                { "Why'd the Titanic sink?" "Because Frank blew a hole in                it and suck out all the seamen" }                                Don't dream it, be it. (four times)  { echo "Don't drink                it, Frank peed in it" }                                { "Last one in is a heterosexual!" or "Last one in has to                star in the sequel" }                                (Brad, Janet, Rocky and Columbia jump into the four                corners of the pool. Columbia hits the water last)           All  Don't dream it, be it (eight times)                                { On sixth time: "Use the force!" }                (On sixth line, De-Medusa handle falls, and Dr. Scott is                unfrozen)     Dr. Scott  Ach! { "-choo!" } We've got to get { "the fuck" } out of                this trap { "and into that pool" } before this decadence {                "Yay, decadence!" } saps our wills. I've got to be strong                { "like my hardon" }, and try to hang on { "to my hardon"                }, or else my mind { "and my hardon" } may well snap {                "crackle! pop!" } and my life will be lived... { "as a                bowl of Rice Crispies" } for the thrills!                                { "What's two plus two?" }          Brad  It's beyond me; { "What do you say when you masturbate?" }                help me Mommy!         Janet  God Bless Lilly St. Cyr.                                C. Wild And An Untamed Thing                                { "Whose pool is this?" }         Frank  My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my,                I'm a wild and an untamed thing.                I'm a bee with a deadly sting.                You get a hit and your mind goes ping.                Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.                So let the party and the sounds rock on.                We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.                Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.           All  We're a wild and an untamed thing.                We're a bee with a deadly sting.                You get a hit and your mind goes ping.                Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.                So let the party and the sounds rock on.                We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.                Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.                                We're a wild and an untamed thing.                We're a bee with a deadly sting.                You get a hit and your mind goes ping.                Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.                So let the party and the sounds rock on.                We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone, gone, gone.                Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.                                { "This is where the choreographer died" }                                (Riff Raff and Magenta enter from the rear door in silver                space-outfits)     Riff Raff  Frank N Furter, it's all over.                Your mission is a failure;                Your lifestyle's too extreme.                I'm your new commander;                You now are my prisoner.                We return to Transylvania.                Prepare the transit beam.                                  { instead of the above:                  Frank-n-Furter, the movie's almost over,                  your acting is a failure, your wardrobe's too extreme...                  I'm your new director, you now are an extra!                  We're about to roll the credits, Magenta start the                     house.                  -or-                  Frank-n-Furter, the movie's almost over,                  Your mission is a failure, the plotlines's too                     extreme...                  I just fucked my sister, you can smell my finger                  We return to have an orgy. Magenta makes me cream.                  }                                { "Look, it's a dildo for Wilson Philips" }                                { "What do you say when you get cought fucking the                   neighbor's dog?" }         Frank  Wait! I can explain!                                { "You get the purple-onion light, and you get the other                shit!" }                { when Rocky get the stuff: "Rocky do good! Rocky do good!"                }                (Frank goes and speaks to Columbia, who goes and turns on                the spotlight; and to Rocky who goes and turns on the                stage lights)                                                                         I'm Going Home         Frank  On the day I went away...           All  Good-bye...         Frank  Was all I had to say...           All  Now I...         Frank  I want to come again, { "and again, and again" } and stay.                   { "hard" }           All  Oh, my, my...         Frank  Smile, and that will mean I may. { echo "...mean I'm gay" }                'cause I've seen, oh, { "Ow!!" when Frank kicks the dick-                   shaped lever" } blue skies                Through the tears in my eyes (Magenta yawns with                   disinterest) { "Boring" }                And I realize, I'm going home. { "I'm fuckin' stoned" }           All  I'm going home.         Frank  Everywhere it's been the same...           All  ...feeling...                                { "What does it feel like when Brad cums on your face?" or                   "What's it feel like to pee into a fan?" }         Frank I'm outside in the rain...           All  ...wheeling...                                { "How much for a blow job?" }         Frank { "I'll take two!" } to try and find a game...           All  ...dealing...         Frank for sorrow, cards for pain. { throw CARDS }                'cause I've seen, oh, blue skies                Through the tears in my eyes                And I realize, I'm going home.   Frank & All  I'm going home. (3 times)                                (applause)       Magenta  How sentimental.                                { "You bitch, you made the drugs wear off!" }     Riff Raff  And also presumptuous of you. You see, when I said we were                to return to Transylvania, { "I was speaking French" } I                referred only to Magenter and myself. I'm sorry, however,                if you found my words misleading, but you see, you are to                remain here; in spirit, anyway.     Dr. Scott  Great heavens! That's a laser!     Riff Raff  Yes, Dr. Scott. A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure                anti-mater. { "Then it doesn't matter?" }          Brad  You mean... you're going to kill him? What's his crime?     Dr. Scott  You saw what became of Eddie. Society must be protected. {                "Fuck society!"  "I'm trying, I'm trying." }     Riff Raff  Exactly, Dr. Scott. And now, Frank N Furter, your time has                come. Say good-bye to all of this, { "Good-bye all this" }                and hello { "Hello" } to oblivion. { "Hi, oblivion, how's                the wife and kids? Your wife, my kids." }                                { "A blink of the eye, a twitch of the lips,                First one to scream gets zapped in the tits!" }                                (Columbia screams - get zapped)                                { "That's alright, That's OK, I like warm milk anyway." }                                (Frank cowers away, and tries to escape by climbing a                curtain - gets zapped)                                { "Rope please!... Thank you!" }                                (Rocky moans over and falls on Frank's body. Picks him up                and begins to climb the tower - gets zap, zap, zap, zapped                - falls into the pool to his death)                                { "Chest of steel... Back of steel... Shoulder of steel...                Armpit of steel... Tower of plastic!" }          Brad  Good God!         Janet  Oh! You killed them!       Magenta  But I thought you liked them. They liked you.                                { "Get paranoid!" }     Riff Raff  He didn't like me! { "Get real paranoid!" } He never liked                me!     Dr. Scott  You did right.                                { "Slowly I turn, step by step, inch by inch..." go into                smaller units if you want.. }     Riff Raff  A decision had to be made.     Dr. Scott  You're O.K. by me. (holds out his hand as to shake it with                Riff Raff)                { "Nanu, nanu... shit, wrong aliens" }     Riff Raff  Dr. Scott, I'm sorry about your... nephew. {echo "sexlife"                }     Dr. Scott  Eddie? Yes, well, perhaps it was all for the best, heh,                heh, heh.     Riff Raff  You should leave now, Dr. Scott, while it is still                possible. We are about to beam the entire house to the                planet Transsexual, in the galaxy of Transylvania. Go...                Now.                                (Brad and Janet wheel Dr. Scott out of the house)                                (to Magenta) Our mission is completed, my most beautiful                sister, and soon we shall return to the moon-drenched                shores of our beloved planet.       Magenta  Oh... sweet transsexual Land of night...                To sing and dance once more to your dark refrain.                To take... that... step to the right!Riff Raff & MagentaHa!     Riff Raff  But it's the pelvic THRUST!        Chorus  (flashback to Time Warp sequence) That really drives you                   insaaaaane       Magenta  And our world will do the time warp AGAIN!                                                                                          Super Heroes                                (Brad and Janet are crawling around on the ground outside                the castle, in mist)          Brad  I've done a lot; God knows I've tried                To find the truth. I've even lied.                But all I know is down inside I'm...           All  bleeding...         Janet  And super heroes come to feast                To taste the flesh not yet deceased.                And all I know is still the beast is...           All  feeding...                                { go up to the screen and start spinning the picture, fall                down when it stops }                (Scene starts to spin, and fades into a spinning globe,                which the narrator stops)      Narrator  And crawling { "where?" } on the planet's face { "what did                you have for breakfast?" }                Some Insects { "What're they called?" } called the human                race... { "Oh shit, that's us!" }                { "Where's your neck?" } Lost in time                { "What's your favorite TV show?" } and lost in space                { "What does this movie lack?" } And meaning.           All  Meaning...                                                                           Science Fiction / Double Feature - Reprise     Usherette  Science fiction                Double feature.                Frank has built and                Lost his creature.                Darkness has conquered                Brad and Janet                The servants gone to                A distant planet.                Wo, oh, oh, oh.                At the late night, double feature,                Picture show.                I want to go, oh, oh, oh.                To the late night, double feature,                Picture Show.               
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